Dear Mandy,
I'm in a revolving world of spinning thoughts and messy feelings, and I don't really like it. Everything seems to be coming together in a world of mumbo and jumbo, and in the end, i'll probably get gumbo. I feel once again like a pea in a great big pan with other green peas.. not knowing where I belong or where I fit in... or in this case... what constitutes the real me.
In this season of a certain.. stepping back.. I'm starting to lose a bit of sensing about who I really am. Though the basis is easy... but the execution is difficult, and the ideology that comes with it, confusing. We can understand the basis, but the execution is seriously daunting. And when we try to analyse why, we come across so many gray areas that make things so difficult and seriously mind boggling. But this doesn't address the question as to why the sudden loss of self identity... why the sudden... lapse of being unsure of who I am.
Who is the real me? How do I treat my close friends? Am I constant in my actions to everyone? And... how much am I willing to compromise on being who I am, or doing what I feel, in accordance to what others deem of me. Is the final question asked, what is the basis for my doing certain things? Then why the contradiction? How am I to acknowledge that this person is one of my closest friends about, and then ask me to treat that person as to how I'd treat a normal acquaintance? The two sides don't seem to tally to me, and though I know that there is a reason for having to be as such, but they just don't seem to match. Reverting back to being normal acquaintances and working it back up is one thing... completely having to change the way I do things, is another matter completely... am I slowly becoming somebody I'm not...?
I'm wondering if this is really God's plan for me... is all this suffering because God wants to make me into a better person? To relinquish my smaller radius of personal space, and learn how to treat everyone the same. Gosh... I have completely no idea. I should probably spend more time in prayer...? But somehow... where does this entire line end, and where does it start? And what are the grey areas that need clarification? And at the end of the day... the who, what, where, when and why... still fall short of answers that can truly truly answer my confusion.
I don't know anymore... you know? I thought I did, and I thought that I could handle things well, and be submissive and all, and everything else. But perhaps that rainbow at the end of the storm is just what it is. An illusion of light. Nothing concrete... it's a painful realisation, huh?
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Dear Mandy...
Does not being needed feel that way sometimes? Does the sweet tangy taste of romance constantly call out and beckon to you? Does reading, even so much as watching a couple get together after all the obstacles bring a tender twist to your heart, wondering "Why can't that person be me?"
Well.. I don't have all the answers... but there have been times whereby I feel that way myself. I can be reading about Menion Leah fighting all the trolls and gnomes in "The Sword of Shannara" and find myself adrenaline rushed, only to sigh ruefully when he finds his comfort in the arms of Shirl Ravenlock, the girl he falls in love with. I could be watching Yamada Taro fighting to accustom himself to living out of his comfort zone and sympatising with him, and then feel a tender twist when I see how Takako helps bring back the smile to his face. It's quite amazing, this tender emotion that people call love, and every now and then, I can't help but smile tenderly at how amazing it really is.
And yet, I find myself trusting in the Lord for His time, and though impatient at times, perhaps the whole essence of it all is that it's really trusting in His time. It isn't easy, definitely.. but it's really the promise of something beautiful at the end of the journey that would motivate most people to learn how to trust in the Lord, and really not be anxious in what is going on. Sure.. there are times when I really wish that the person I like would so much as tell me something encouraging, or what not, but then, I'm reminded that I should find my soul's satisfaction in God alone when I pray about things... It'd be nice to have that kind of affirmation... but isn't God's affirmation so much better? =)
But of course, we're just human, so once in a while, a bit of affirmation that comes my way is really appreciated. Like how Gayne thanked me today for having been there to support and encourage her while she was freaking out about collecting her A Level results... it gave me this nice warm feeling. Of course, there comes along some feedback about yourself in general, and you are alikened to an alarming wake up call that not everyone's like you. *Shrug* So we learn, so we pick ourselves out.
But what Cheryl told me also stays strong with me. That I should just be myself... just be a bit wary of the things I do. Jacob also gave me good advice.. about how I should maintain a purely professional relationship with people i don't know until I'm sure that they're worth sharing more with. It's probably a learning lesson, but I'm glad for it in any case.
I'll keep walking, and as I walk, I'll keep learning.
Does not being needed feel that way sometimes? Does the sweet tangy taste of romance constantly call out and beckon to you? Does reading, even so much as watching a couple get together after all the obstacles bring a tender twist to your heart, wondering "Why can't that person be me?"
Well.. I don't have all the answers... but there have been times whereby I feel that way myself. I can be reading about Menion Leah fighting all the trolls and gnomes in "The Sword of Shannara" and find myself adrenaline rushed, only to sigh ruefully when he finds his comfort in the arms of Shirl Ravenlock, the girl he falls in love with. I could be watching Yamada Taro fighting to accustom himself to living out of his comfort zone and sympatising with him, and then feel a tender twist when I see how Takako helps bring back the smile to his face. It's quite amazing, this tender emotion that people call love, and every now and then, I can't help but smile tenderly at how amazing it really is.
And yet, I find myself trusting in the Lord for His time, and though impatient at times, perhaps the whole essence of it all is that it's really trusting in His time. It isn't easy, definitely.. but it's really the promise of something beautiful at the end of the journey that would motivate most people to learn how to trust in the Lord, and really not be anxious in what is going on. Sure.. there are times when I really wish that the person I like would so much as tell me something encouraging, or what not, but then, I'm reminded that I should find my soul's satisfaction in God alone when I pray about things... It'd be nice to have that kind of affirmation... but isn't God's affirmation so much better? =)
But of course, we're just human, so once in a while, a bit of affirmation that comes my way is really appreciated. Like how Gayne thanked me today for having been there to support and encourage her while she was freaking out about collecting her A Level results... it gave me this nice warm feeling. Of course, there comes along some feedback about yourself in general, and you are alikened to an alarming wake up call that not everyone's like you. *Shrug* So we learn, so we pick ourselves out.
But what Cheryl told me also stays strong with me. That I should just be myself... just be a bit wary of the things I do. Jacob also gave me good advice.. about how I should maintain a purely professional relationship with people i don't know until I'm sure that they're worth sharing more with. It's probably a learning lesson, but I'm glad for it in any case.
I'll keep walking, and as I walk, I'll keep learning.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Dear Mandy,
It's pretty amazing how wonderful God is, and even now, I'm feeling rather in awe of His ways of working.. I guess that it's really true.. When you're patient and trust fully in God's plan for you and His timing, it all seems to unfold rather beautifully, that you just simply HAVE to stop whatever you're doing, and just give thanks to Him in prayer.
I got these verses yesterday from Cheryl and Pila, and also as I read the chapter today, got another affirmation.. let me show you the verses...
It's pretty amazing how wonderful God is, and even now, I'm feeling rather in awe of His ways of working.. I guess that it's really true.. When you're patient and trust fully in God's plan for you and His timing, it all seems to unfold rather beautifully, that you just simply HAVE to stop whatever you're doing, and just give thanks to Him in prayer.
I got these verses yesterday from Cheryl and Pila, and also as I read the chapter today, got another affirmation.. let me show you the verses...
"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires;
but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the SPIRIT desires."
-Romans 5:8
"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him,
who have been called according to His purpose."
-Romans 5:28
"And those He predestined, He also called;
those He called, He also justified;
those He justified, He also glorified."
-Romans 5:30
"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
-Romans 5:31
but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the SPIRIT desires."
-Romans 5:8
"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him,
who have been called according to His purpose."
-Romans 5:28
"And those He predestined, He also called;
those He called, He also justified;
those He justified, He also glorified."
-Romans 5:30
"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
-Romans 5:31
It almost seems like it's a letter from God himself to inspire and motivate people, and it has really motivated me. It's... just great... =) Victorians' Day and the OVA dinner both are flowing so smoothly now, and I really am thankful that the Lord saw it through. =)
Though I'm a bit worried about the projects, as well as the essays that are staring me in the face, but in some essence, I'm just learning how to life the troubles up to the Lord, and just trust in His divine plan for me. That's probably the best thing for me at the moment.. to work hard, trust in the Lord.
Though I'm a bit worried about the projects, as well as the essays that are staring me in the face, but in some essence, I'm just learning how to life the troubles up to the Lord, and just trust in His divine plan for me. That's probably the best thing for me at the moment.. to work hard, trust in the Lord.
I will trust in the Lord and be patient; will learn step by step how to guard a heart... =)
Ok, so I guess that as the events loom nearer day by day, I'll just keep working at it. V-Day, OVA Dinner, and then, finally, STEP DOWN!!! =) Now that, I'm looking forward to it... =)
Ok, so I'm also quite sianz, that I kana recall manning... but what to do? I guess that it's just going to be back to the army. It's time to take out my uniform, polish my boots, and suit up... because... it's back to the camp for me. =)
Ok, so I'm also quite sianz, that I kana recall manning... but what to do? I guess that it's just going to be back to the army. It's time to take out my uniform, polish my boots, and suit up... because... it's back to the camp for me. =)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Dear Mandy,
Well... CNY has passed, and I'm back in school... it's been... an eventful CNY... and I guess that really, it has been as festive as the season promised to be. :)
In any case though, I find myself once again at a loss as to the balancing of all my commitments. Haha.. it's really corny. Okay, apart from the weekly lectures and tutorials, I have my project work meetings that are coming in, and weekly DG, followed by "Step Up" programme, and the odd event that pops up here and there, like the OVA dinner that is this weekend. Soon, as the mid-term break comes, not only will I find myself studying, or doing projects, but similarly, I'll find myself planning Victorians' Day and the OVA dinner and dance. After that is over, here would come my EL 2111 mid term test, and consequently, the submission of SSA1203 essay 2, as well as the term assignment of an individual essay of EL 2111, followed by all the project presentations and submissions... shoot me.
How did this semester get to be so busy? One can only wonder why... because I myself have absolutely no idea how I got so busy! *Rawr* But the thing is... it's kinda weird, because as tired as I am, I somehow still manage to get by... I guess I have to thank Cheryl for her constant reminders of what I shouldn't be doing.. haha... it's no secret that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't draw my strength from the Lord, and rely too often on my own strength, and thus, get easily worn out, and extremely tired... I guess that in the year of Sabbath, as I look through the Psalms a day, and see the lamentations of the Psalmists, and the trust that they eventually hold in the unfailing love of the Lord, I am encouraged. This week, especially, the memory verse that we're to remember really speaks to me.
Then the question of patience comes in... it's great if our hearts have the right attitude, and we are in tune with the Lord's plan, but are we then willing to trust in God, for His perfect timing? These are the two challenges that Joel always challenges us in cell... Are we willing to trust in the Lord's plan. and are we willing to trust in His time? Just yesterday, I felt a word from the Lord, that somewhere in this hectic schedule that I'm undergoing, I somewhat forgot that it is Him who makes all things possible... and that along the way, I kinda lost sight of putting the Lord as my priority... Immediately, I repented that night in prayer, and all the insecurities that I had been feeling all kinda disappeared... I felt... like the Lord was affirming some things that I'm going through now, and it was nice being in God's presence.
In all honesty though, I have been feeling inferior of late, especially with the proceedings towards certain stuff... but Pila, Cheryl, Zhiyuan and Jacob really helped me put things into perspective, and though I'm still slowly coming to terms with the special nature that the Lord has created me to be, I trust that in the Lord's words, I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. So I want to really just claim that special love of Jesus... and to be patient in His plan and time.
Special thanks to Cheryl, Sis, Ben, Wei Liang and Zhiyuan, for helping me get over the shock of the car accident that I had on Monday... it wasn't my fault, but well, it is my first accident after all, so I was in a bit of a shock. Praise God for His strong and firm hold on me, that despite my shock and lost stupor, He kept me calm enough to continue driving, to take down the particulars of the other driver, to analyse the situation and the damage... How awesome is our God? Very. :)
Well... they call the rain Heaven's tears... and I came across this really interesting line somewhere...
Well... CNY has passed, and I'm back in school... it's been... an eventful CNY... and I guess that really, it has been as festive as the season promised to be. :)
In any case though, I find myself once again at a loss as to the balancing of all my commitments. Haha.. it's really corny. Okay, apart from the weekly lectures and tutorials, I have my project work meetings that are coming in, and weekly DG, followed by "Step Up" programme, and the odd event that pops up here and there, like the OVA dinner that is this weekend. Soon, as the mid-term break comes, not only will I find myself studying, or doing projects, but similarly, I'll find myself planning Victorians' Day and the OVA dinner and dance. After that is over, here would come my EL 2111 mid term test, and consequently, the submission of SSA1203 essay 2, as well as the term assignment of an individual essay of EL 2111, followed by all the project presentations and submissions... shoot me.
How did this semester get to be so busy? One can only wonder why... because I myself have absolutely no idea how I got so busy! *Rawr* But the thing is... it's kinda weird, because as tired as I am, I somehow still manage to get by... I guess I have to thank Cheryl for her constant reminders of what I shouldn't be doing.. haha... it's no secret that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't draw my strength from the Lord, and rely too often on my own strength, and thus, get easily worn out, and extremely tired... I guess that in the year of Sabbath, as I look through the Psalms a day, and see the lamentations of the Psalmists, and the trust that they eventually hold in the unfailing love of the Lord, I am encouraged. This week, especially, the memory verse that we're to remember really speaks to me.
Psalm 37: 3 -4
"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the Lord and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
How apt! It's rather in tune with the service that Pastor Khong gave last Sunday, about the blessings of Safety, Satisfaction and Success in the Lord. A few of the more important things he said were to deny ourselves, and that if our hearts seek to delight the Lord in all that we do, then He will grant us the desires of our heart... because, as Joel said before last time, when we seek the Lord with all our heart, and our walks with Him are strong and we are attuned to His frequencies, then the desires of our hearts will be in accordance with that of His plan, and He will grant us our prayer requests. "Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the Lord and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Then the question of patience comes in... it's great if our hearts have the right attitude, and we are in tune with the Lord's plan, but are we then willing to trust in God, for His perfect timing? These are the two challenges that Joel always challenges us in cell... Are we willing to trust in the Lord's plan. and are we willing to trust in His time? Just yesterday, I felt a word from the Lord, that somewhere in this hectic schedule that I'm undergoing, I somewhat forgot that it is Him who makes all things possible... and that along the way, I kinda lost sight of putting the Lord as my priority... Immediately, I repented that night in prayer, and all the insecurities that I had been feeling all kinda disappeared... I felt... like the Lord was affirming some things that I'm going through now, and it was nice being in God's presence.
In all honesty though, I have been feeling inferior of late, especially with the proceedings towards certain stuff... but Pila, Cheryl, Zhiyuan and Jacob really helped me put things into perspective, and though I'm still slowly coming to terms with the special nature that the Lord has created me to be, I trust that in the Lord's words, I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. So I want to really just claim that special love of Jesus... and to be patient in His plan and time.
Special thanks to Cheryl, Sis, Ben, Wei Liang and Zhiyuan, for helping me get over the shock of the car accident that I had on Monday... it wasn't my fault, but well, it is my first accident after all, so I was in a bit of a shock. Praise God for His strong and firm hold on me, that despite my shock and lost stupor, He kept me calm enough to continue driving, to take down the particulars of the other driver, to analyse the situation and the damage... How awesome is our God? Very. :)
Well... they call the rain Heaven's tears... and I came across this really interesting line somewhere...
"I love walking in the rain, and feeling the raindrops on my face..
For it is then, that nobody can differentiate the tears from the rain."
For it is then, that nobody can differentiate the tears from the rain."
As such, I guess that at this point in time, I'm still learning how to balance all my commitments, and at times, when I cry in the rain, and feel the Lord crying with me... I am comforted in His presence. Finding solace in solace... that's something new, isn't it? :)
Friday, February 08, 2008
Dear Mandy,
It's already the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year... and it's been quite a good one this year I guess...
How is that remotely possible? Well, I managed to meet up with me cousins for the first time in a long while... and though there were mixed opinions from each of us, the main bulk of us managed to meet up.. and it's quite interesting to see how everyone has grown, and how everyone has matured. All of us are going through different walks of life, and going through different challenges... but for one day... we're just cousins, and not people struggling in our individual obstacles. Of course, as one of the older ones, watching over them is inevitably one of my roles, that I can't deny? BUt I was really just glad that I didn't have to explicitly take over the role of guardian when it was just me with them. :)
These days... it's been rather amazing. I guess that few people would know what I'm referring to... :) It's been sweet, but as I trust the Lord in taking the next step forward, I just pray that I'll be able to hear Him speak to me. And I'd so want to live out that plan that He has in store for me.
Even as I trust in Him, and walk forward in faith, I just believe that He will make a way for me. :)
I love you, Lord. :)
It's already the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year... and it's been quite a good one this year I guess...
How is that remotely possible? Well, I managed to meet up with me cousins for the first time in a long while... and though there were mixed opinions from each of us, the main bulk of us managed to meet up.. and it's quite interesting to see how everyone has grown, and how everyone has matured. All of us are going through different walks of life, and going through different challenges... but for one day... we're just cousins, and not people struggling in our individual obstacles. Of course, as one of the older ones, watching over them is inevitably one of my roles, that I can't deny? BUt I was really just glad that I didn't have to explicitly take over the role of guardian when it was just me with them. :)
These days... it's been rather amazing. I guess that few people would know what I'm referring to... :) It's been sweet, but as I trust the Lord in taking the next step forward, I just pray that I'll be able to hear Him speak to me. And I'd so want to live out that plan that He has in store for me.
Even as I trust in Him, and walk forward in faith, I just believe that He will make a way for me. :)
I love you, Lord. :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Dear Mandy,
Well... time flies and it's the 3rd week of Sem 2 of 07/08 AY.
How do I feel? Weird and tired. And lost. Yes, I'm lost. I'm a bit blur about my lectures, and I'm a bit worried of all my commitments this semester. *Rawr...* Yeah.. that's really how I feel about my academic life. I find joy in my tutorials and some of my readings and lectures... but at the end of the day, I look back, and I realise that getting this engine cranked up is really a difficult thing... doesn't take a scientist to know why also. I guess I really need to work hard.
Throughout this journey that I've taken, one thing's for sure, and that's God has been so real and has been with me every step of the way. I really am thankful for His wondrous love, and the fact that I am a son of God... He really holds me tightly in His embrace, and I know that despite all my mishaps and inequities... when I turn back to the Cross, He welcomes me with open arms and an unfailing love. The immense reality of this truth never fails to amaze me.
I guess that it's really a reflective mood and season, and as I find myself really wishing for more time to do the things I really want to do, I too understand that at the moment, it's more of a calling than anything else... to really rethink and reflect about my walk.. and more importantly, to make time. *Time is in our hands, it's of the essence...* How quite so true...
I miss a lot of people... Thank God for Zhiyuan and Fionna, who I've been turning to these few days with regards to lots of things... Zhiyuan and I have been running ever so frequently at ECP these days for the goals of $200 and $400.. haha... I do enjoy these runs at ECP... First a run that really pushes me cause I haven't been running for quite some time, followed by some static stations... and then a nice long chat at the breakwaters, before showering and heading off for lunch and mugging sessions... it's a great way to spend the morning and early afternoons.. with one of my closest friends about.. haha.. 10 years! :)
Thanks to Fio too.. for hearing me rant and rave over the phone that eventful Saturday... :)
I miss Jacob and Kristy loads.. haha... wherever you two are at this moment, be safe.
I'm thankful for JB Tribe... more so for the NUS gang, and well, the 6 of us that technically were brought together because of the musical... and of course, Cheryl.. haha... THAI EXPRESS ROCKS!! :p
Well.. I'm just going to take things a step at a time, and see where the Lord leads me.. :) I'll be rather reflective and solemn. :)
Psalms 28:7 -
"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song."
Well... time flies and it's the 3rd week of Sem 2 of 07/08 AY.
How do I feel? Weird and tired. And lost. Yes, I'm lost. I'm a bit blur about my lectures, and I'm a bit worried of all my commitments this semester. *Rawr...* Yeah.. that's really how I feel about my academic life. I find joy in my tutorials and some of my readings and lectures... but at the end of the day, I look back, and I realise that getting this engine cranked up is really a difficult thing... doesn't take a scientist to know why also. I guess I really need to work hard.
Throughout this journey that I've taken, one thing's for sure, and that's God has been so real and has been with me every step of the way. I really am thankful for His wondrous love, and the fact that I am a son of God... He really holds me tightly in His embrace, and I know that despite all my mishaps and inequities... when I turn back to the Cross, He welcomes me with open arms and an unfailing love. The immense reality of this truth never fails to amaze me.
I guess that it's really a reflective mood and season, and as I find myself really wishing for more time to do the things I really want to do, I too understand that at the moment, it's more of a calling than anything else... to really rethink and reflect about my walk.. and more importantly, to make time. *Time is in our hands, it's of the essence...* How quite so true...
I miss a lot of people... Thank God for Zhiyuan and Fionna, who I've been turning to these few days with regards to lots of things... Zhiyuan and I have been running ever so frequently at ECP these days for the goals of $200 and $400.. haha... I do enjoy these runs at ECP... First a run that really pushes me cause I haven't been running for quite some time, followed by some static stations... and then a nice long chat at the breakwaters, before showering and heading off for lunch and mugging sessions... it's a great way to spend the morning and early afternoons.. with one of my closest friends about.. haha.. 10 years! :)
Thanks to Fio too.. for hearing me rant and rave over the phone that eventful Saturday... :)
I miss Jacob and Kristy loads.. haha... wherever you two are at this moment, be safe.
I'm thankful for JB Tribe... more so for the NUS gang, and well, the 6 of us that technically were brought together because of the musical... and of course, Cheryl.. haha... THAI EXPRESS ROCKS!! :p
Well.. I'm just going to take things a step at a time, and see where the Lord leads me.. :) I'll be rather reflective and solemn. :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Dear Mandy,
If I say right now that I'm tired, disillusioned, and overwhelmed, I wonder what would happen. Truth is, I'm kinda on the edge of the boat right now, barely clinging on, and wondering just what has been happening.
In all honesty, I have this funny feeling that there's really just too much I'm bearing upon my shoulders at the moment, and truth being said, I feel like throwing in the towel and running away for the longest moment to a place whereby I'm unaccountable to anyone, and able to hide my face, and be an unknown. The Maldives seem like a nice place, though I sincerely think Antarctica would be the most ideal. Or, I could, like in the book "Since I don't have you", go to Oia and hideaway there for as long as I could possibly do... since Oia seems like a place for people to escape to. And yet, I know that there's too much here for me to just put down and go. I don't have that kind of courage, and I definitely don't have that kind of money to begin with.
I know that God has placed all these obstacles along the way for a reason, and I also know, quite well, that I need His blessings to get through it all. I do feel His peace, but I dunno if these feelings I have are feelings of inadequacy, or feelings of pure overwhelmed emotions, induced by the folly of the devil. *sighs*
Sis' Professor talked to me today, and encouraged me to aim for 2nd Upper Class Honours... that way, I can be eligible for one year Masters' Programme, and NUS Sponsorship, if MOE doesn't want to sponsor me, which is all good and well. But I need to continue working hard, and looking at it at the moment, I'm a long way from 2nd Upper Class Honours. I resolve to work hard.
Come March, I will say goodbye to OVA, and that is a very big relief to me. I don't have to be the one who gets all the arrows anymore, and I don't have to be responsible for major decisions anymore. It has been a good term, I've learnt a lot? But I also know that it's time to move on, and focus on myself for once. Victoria... both VS, VJC and OVA have taught me a lot, but right now, if I want to return all the Victoria has given me, I have to first and foremost focus on my own studies, ensure I do well enough before I can finally return and teach the next generation of students.
I'm glad I joined "STEP-UP" Programme, actually, and I honestly feel the Lord calling me to this area of serving. However, in the preparatory service learning course, and the thoughts that ensured, have left me swimming in a furore of thoughts that are all jumbled up. It's making me unlike myself, thinking too much, and really... just making me too caught up in my own thinking, that I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm losing what is essentially me in trying to figure out these thoughts, and it's dangerous... Kristy always reprimands me when I think too much, cause she knows how much it'd affect me.. I need to stop thinking too much.
Arhx. On to a run tmr. :)
If I say right now that I'm tired, disillusioned, and overwhelmed, I wonder what would happen. Truth is, I'm kinda on the edge of the boat right now, barely clinging on, and wondering just what has been happening.
In all honesty, I have this funny feeling that there's really just too much I'm bearing upon my shoulders at the moment, and truth being said, I feel like throwing in the towel and running away for the longest moment to a place whereby I'm unaccountable to anyone, and able to hide my face, and be an unknown. The Maldives seem like a nice place, though I sincerely think Antarctica would be the most ideal. Or, I could, like in the book "Since I don't have you", go to Oia and hideaway there for as long as I could possibly do... since Oia seems like a place for people to escape to. And yet, I know that there's too much here for me to just put down and go. I don't have that kind of courage, and I definitely don't have that kind of money to begin with.
I know that God has placed all these obstacles along the way for a reason, and I also know, quite well, that I need His blessings to get through it all. I do feel His peace, but I dunno if these feelings I have are feelings of inadequacy, or feelings of pure overwhelmed emotions, induced by the folly of the devil. *sighs*
Sis' Professor talked to me today, and encouraged me to aim for 2nd Upper Class Honours... that way, I can be eligible for one year Masters' Programme, and NUS Sponsorship, if MOE doesn't want to sponsor me, which is all good and well. But I need to continue working hard, and looking at it at the moment, I'm a long way from 2nd Upper Class Honours. I resolve to work hard.
Come March, I will say goodbye to OVA, and that is a very big relief to me. I don't have to be the one who gets all the arrows anymore, and I don't have to be responsible for major decisions anymore. It has been a good term, I've learnt a lot? But I also know that it's time to move on, and focus on myself for once. Victoria... both VS, VJC and OVA have taught me a lot, but right now, if I want to return all the Victoria has given me, I have to first and foremost focus on my own studies, ensure I do well enough before I can finally return and teach the next generation of students.
I'm glad I joined "STEP-UP" Programme, actually, and I honestly feel the Lord calling me to this area of serving. However, in the preparatory service learning course, and the thoughts that ensured, have left me swimming in a furore of thoughts that are all jumbled up. It's making me unlike myself, thinking too much, and really... just making me too caught up in my own thinking, that I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm losing what is essentially me in trying to figure out these thoughts, and it's dangerous... Kristy always reprimands me when I think too much, cause she knows how much it'd affect me.. I need to stop thinking too much.
Arhx. On to a run tmr. :)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Dear Mandy,
If there's anything that I'm glad about this week, it's the fact that Cheryl and I had a nice heart to heart talk over MSN last night, where we shared about a lot of stuff. :) It's nice to have such a conversation with Cher. We both agreed somewhere in our conversation that we had drifted apart, and it was kinda amazing that after our drifting, we don't lose much of our conversational tones.
I'm currently in "Living with Mathematics" lecture, and trying to understand what's going on. It's fun, definitely,but I never expected that I had to be proving linguistics! Haha... so in some essence, taking this module, and learning about reasoning is making things quite fun. But the time is really unearthly, from 6 to 8pm on Mon and Thurs.. sigh.
Ok, blog later!
If there's anything that I'm glad about this week, it's the fact that Cheryl and I had a nice heart to heart talk over MSN last night, where we shared about a lot of stuff. :) It's nice to have such a conversation with Cher. We both agreed somewhere in our conversation that we had drifted apart, and it was kinda amazing that after our drifting, we don't lose much of our conversational tones.
I'm currently in "Living with Mathematics" lecture, and trying to understand what's going on. It's fun, definitely,but I never expected that I had to be proving linguistics! Haha... so in some essence, taking this module, and learning about reasoning is making things quite fun. But the time is really unearthly, from 6 to 8pm on Mon and Thurs.. sigh.
Ok, blog later!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
| You Are An INFJ |
 The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable |
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Dear Mandy,
Well, I went running with Zhiyuan today, and it was... a great run, to be perfectly honest, though our stamina dropped like, totally that we were almost exhausted at the end of a 5km run, but it was nonetheless the feel of the run that made it all worthwhile. After the run, we went to sit by the breakwaters, and just calmly took in the early afternoon sun, and had a conversation that wasn't stilted and was, in a sense, a good time of sharing, and fellowship.
Church today was great... I really enjoyed the sermon, and realised in all essence, how important it is to not just pay lip service, but to also just immerse in the word, and to saturate our minds and bodies with that of the word of God. Of course, when PS Melvyn started talking about how humans rely on their 5 senses, and the spirit is a separate entity, it started me thinking about Rene Descartes' Meditations, which speaks of essentially the same thing... incidentally, the topic that PS Melvyn was talking about is meditation.
As school starts tomorrow, I'm just looking forward to a new semester, empowered by God, and being strong in the commitments that I'm taking up. I'll just trust in God for the best. :)
Well, I went running with Zhiyuan today, and it was... a great run, to be perfectly honest, though our stamina dropped like, totally that we were almost exhausted at the end of a 5km run, but it was nonetheless the feel of the run that made it all worthwhile. After the run, we went to sit by the breakwaters, and just calmly took in the early afternoon sun, and had a conversation that wasn't stilted and was, in a sense, a good time of sharing, and fellowship.
Church today was great... I really enjoyed the sermon, and realised in all essence, how important it is to not just pay lip service, but to also just immerse in the word, and to saturate our minds and bodies with that of the word of God. Of course, when PS Melvyn started talking about how humans rely on their 5 senses, and the spirit is a separate entity, it started me thinking about Rene Descartes' Meditations, which speaks of essentially the same thing... incidentally, the topic that PS Melvyn was talking about is meditation.
As school starts tomorrow, I'm just looking forward to a new semester, empowered by God, and being strong in the commitments that I'm taking up. I'll just trust in God for the best. :)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Dear Mandy,
The view of the beach
Today... I met up with one of my 3 bestest friends around, and it was nothing short of wonderful time of catching up and sharing, and I really thank God for good weather and a great time.
Kristy and I
Kristy and I go way back to JC 1, and we went through a lot of ups and downs in our friendship, befpre we reached where we are now. I really am glad for such a wonderful friend, and the 5 hours of conversation that we had was really insightful and it really was so much to catch up on. When we parted ways, it was a lingering sense of farewell, but with an anticipation for the next catch up session- at least that's what i felt.
We went to Coffee CLub Express first, where we shared about our fears and everything over a pot of Earl Grey tea and her cappuchino, before we headed to Bedok Jetty to sit, talk and share over a slowly setting sun... it was... the catch up that we had been wanting to have, but failed to have for slightly more than a year... wow. Praise God for His grace... because this is one friend that I've always cherished, and made a lot of plans with... so I thank God, honestly for all the memories shared.
When we went back to VJC to tour around, it brought back so many memories of our Council days... of sitting on the Council stairs, studying together, painting banners, doing mass dance... basically our term of office as Councillors... singing the Council song, preparing for match support... crying tears of joy, crying tears of sadness.. the hugs our Council shared, the cheers our Council cheered... and we all were one entity, one body... one Council.
Missing 20th.. :)
Monday, January 07, 2008
Dear Mandy,
I lost my phone, so please don't contact me until I get my new SIM card. I've already de-activated my SIM card, so if you get any calls or smses frm my number.... well, you know that it's not me. :)
Hmm... honestly, I feel quite stupid to have lost my phone, being perfectly honest... but I guess that I was more worried that the person who took my phone would use my phone to contact my friends, and then that'd be even worse! But praise God... M1 Customer Service disabled my SIM card quickly, and said that they'd deliver my new SIM card tomorrow afternoon, so really, praise God!
That being said.. I'm just somebody with a wrecked body, looking forward to more rest, and turning up being groggy... and it was this grogginess that led me to be in a stupor.. which is definitely not good.. haha... oh well, what will be will be, I guess... it's just a moment of lost causes, and I trust that the Lord has a plan for this.
So, I'll just move onwards. :)
I lost my phone, so please don't contact me until I get my new SIM card. I've already de-activated my SIM card, so if you get any calls or smses frm my number.... well, you know that it's not me. :)
Hmm... honestly, I feel quite stupid to have lost my phone, being perfectly honest... but I guess that I was more worried that the person who took my phone would use my phone to contact my friends, and then that'd be even worse! But praise God... M1 Customer Service disabled my SIM card quickly, and said that they'd deliver my new SIM card tomorrow afternoon, so really, praise God!
That being said.. I'm just somebody with a wrecked body, looking forward to more rest, and turning up being groggy... and it was this grogginess that led me to be in a stupor.. which is definitely not good.. haha... oh well, what will be will be, I guess... it's just a moment of lost causes, and I trust that the Lord has a plan for this.
So, I'll just move onwards. :)
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Dear Mandy,
As the first week of the new year comes to an end, it still doesn't really feel like the new year has settled in. Perhaps it's just the fact that it's just another year, and having lived in the past 21 years in the same routine, with some interesting excerpts here and there, it's just another cycle, it's just moving on.
Ironically, we don't really move on, as I realised some time back, when I took Bukit Batok Secondary School for their Sec 2 level camp. I realised my passion for teaching when I was debriefing the kids, and even when I was just... you know... handling the group of kids... I dunno.. I guess that in essence, that this is going to be what I love doing.. teaching, being a camp instructor... being more than what I can do. Going over the extra mile... or, as one of Rainie's nicknames used to be, making a difference.
And yet, I take a step back and ponder over the immaculate wonders of my life thus far, and make out certain unmovable memories that will remain forever in my mind, and close to my heart. What they are? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out... and for me to share with my closest friends about.. I know I know.. I'm being a tad cheeky on this, but hey! That's just me. :)
As the holiday comes to a close in about a week's time, I'm apprehensive about what's going to come... a new semester, added responsibilities... it's going to be more than just a rollercoaster ride this turn around, as there's no more excuses for mistakes and errors, or to say that I have yet to adapt to university. I have, and now, it's time to improve and be better. I'm aiming for a CAP of 4.0 and above this semester, and I want to do well.
Looking at it in perspective, I think that I'm really grateful to the Lord for having been there for me every step of the way. His amazing grace never fails, and even as we embark on the "Psalms a day", I've grown in my walk with GOd, and looking forward to growing somemore. It's to the extent that even though I'm really tired, I make an effort to do QT, because I know that He misses me when I don't.. and that some time spent with the Lord is better than no time spent at all. I love being in His presence and HIs embrace, and to see the beauty of His plan in His time. I describe my Christian walk as a flower... that it blooms with time. :)
That being said, I'm thankful also to some people who have never stopped being there for me every step of the way. I'm especially glad that some of them are coming back!! To that, I refer to Kristy and Grace. And I'm also glad for the dearest friends that I hold dear. Sharon, Zhiyuan, Meng Siong, Jacob, Sabrina, Dominique, Gayne, ShuXin and many mre... thank you all for having tided through 2007 with me.
Onwards to 2008.
As the first week of the new year comes to an end, it still doesn't really feel like the new year has settled in. Perhaps it's just the fact that it's just another year, and having lived in the past 21 years in the same routine, with some interesting excerpts here and there, it's just another cycle, it's just moving on.
Ironically, we don't really move on, as I realised some time back, when I took Bukit Batok Secondary School for their Sec 2 level camp. I realised my passion for teaching when I was debriefing the kids, and even when I was just... you know... handling the group of kids... I dunno.. I guess that in essence, that this is going to be what I love doing.. teaching, being a camp instructor... being more than what I can do. Going over the extra mile... or, as one of Rainie's nicknames used to be, making a difference.
And yet, I take a step back and ponder over the immaculate wonders of my life thus far, and make out certain unmovable memories that will remain forever in my mind, and close to my heart. What they are? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out... and for me to share with my closest friends about.. I know I know.. I'm being a tad cheeky on this, but hey! That's just me. :)
As the holiday comes to a close in about a week's time, I'm apprehensive about what's going to come... a new semester, added responsibilities... it's going to be more than just a rollercoaster ride this turn around, as there's no more excuses for mistakes and errors, or to say that I have yet to adapt to university. I have, and now, it's time to improve and be better. I'm aiming for a CAP of 4.0 and above this semester, and I want to do well.
Looking at it in perspective, I think that I'm really grateful to the Lord for having been there for me every step of the way. His amazing grace never fails, and even as we embark on the "Psalms a day", I've grown in my walk with GOd, and looking forward to growing somemore. It's to the extent that even though I'm really tired, I make an effort to do QT, because I know that He misses me when I don't.. and that some time spent with the Lord is better than no time spent at all. I love being in His presence and HIs embrace, and to see the beauty of His plan in His time. I describe my Christian walk as a flower... that it blooms with time. :)
That being said, I'm thankful also to some people who have never stopped being there for me every step of the way. I'm especially glad that some of them are coming back!! To that, I refer to Kristy and Grace. And I'm also glad for the dearest friends that I hold dear. Sharon, Zhiyuan, Meng Siong, Jacob, Sabrina, Dominique, Gayne, ShuXin and many mre... thank you all for having tided through 2007 with me.
Onwards to 2008.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Merry Christmas!
This is a picture of Angkor Wat in the wee hours of sunrise, and truth be told... it is a majestic sight. I've only just came back from Cambodia on Saturday, China before that, and well, also been for Christmas Service, as well as "Tell the World - A Christmas Eve Service" and now, it's Christmas. A lot has happened in the last few trips, eventful, and full of God's grace, and being perfectly honest, I've been awed constantly by what has happened and have seen, once again, the beauty of God's plan in His time.
This is a picture of a dance that the children that I spent time with in Sunrise CHildren's village put up. In truth? Time in Siem Reap (the place in Cambodia where the Orphanage was situated) seemed to pass by so slowly... time was not of the essence, and I found myself really enjoying the sweet, somewhat crawling pace of life, as for once, I didn't really feel pressurised into having to conform to a otherwise hectic life of planning, events and activity. I was content to just take things a step at a time, without thinking too much (Ok, I know, this is not possible. Fine..) and just enjoying the time with my friends.
During the time in Cambodia, it was... really much a time of fellowship over Munchkins, puns and accents. Well, the big picture for me, however, was still the immaculate presence of God, and how He watched over all of us. Sure, we met a lot of unexpected circumstances, but in all honesty, it was a through and through experience about God and His amazing grace. For the 7 of us who went up there... XiaoYun, Rachel, Audrey, Joel, Randy, Isaac and I, I guess we all walked away with a new learning experience and a whole new outlook on life.
Christmas is here, but the honest truth is that it hasn't really sank in, apart from the fellowship that I share with my church friends. If anything, I'm really growing to love each and everyone of them, and after having spent close to a year and a half in JB tribe, I guess I can safely say that I really couldn't picture myself being anywhere else. :)
Christmas is a celebration of Love and of life... and I completely agree with that. God's greatest gift and blessing, was when He sent Jesus to us on this very blessed day. And because of that, we have eternal life. Well... that just makes Christmas even so much more meaningful to me. :)
Merry Christmas, everyone. God bless you. :)
Merry Christmas!
This is a picture of Angkor Wat in the wee hours of sunrise, and truth be told... it is a majestic sight. I've only just came back from Cambodia on Saturday, China before that, and well, also been for Christmas Service, as well as "Tell the World - A Christmas Eve Service" and now, it's Christmas. A lot has happened in the last few trips, eventful, and full of God's grace, and being perfectly honest, I've been awed constantly by what has happened and have seen, once again, the beauty of God's plan in His time.
This is a picture of a dance that the children that I spent time with in Sunrise CHildren's village put up. In truth? Time in Siem Reap (the place in Cambodia where the Orphanage was situated) seemed to pass by so slowly... time was not of the essence, and I found myself really enjoying the sweet, somewhat crawling pace of life, as for once, I didn't really feel pressurised into having to conform to a otherwise hectic life of planning, events and activity. I was content to just take things a step at a time, without thinking too much (Ok, I know, this is not possible. Fine..) and just enjoying the time with my friends.
During the time in Cambodia, it was... really much a time of fellowship over Munchkins, puns and accents. Well, the big picture for me, however, was still the immaculate presence of God, and how He watched over all of us. Sure, we met a lot of unexpected circumstances, but in all honesty, it was a through and through experience about God and His amazing grace. For the 7 of us who went up there... XiaoYun, Rachel, Audrey, Joel, Randy, Isaac and I, I guess we all walked away with a new learning experience and a whole new outlook on life.
Christmas is here, but the honest truth is that it hasn't really sank in, apart from the fellowship that I share with my church friends. If anything, I'm really growing to love each and everyone of them, and after having spent close to a year and a half in JB tribe, I guess I can safely say that I really couldn't picture myself being anywhere else. :)
Christmas is a celebration of Love and of life... and I completely agree with that. God's greatest gift and blessing, was when He sent Jesus to us on this very blessed day. And because of that, we have eternal life. Well... that just makes Christmas even so much more meaningful to me. :)
Merry Christmas, everyone. God bless you. :)
Monday, December 03, 2007
Dear Mandy,
In the blink of an eye... 3 exams are over... and to think that this time last week, I was fretting and worrying over my exams... wow.
Yesterday, we had a guest speaker... Nick Vujicic... and he is a living testament to the abundant grace of God. Born without limbs, the outlook he adopts towards life, and his simple purpose in life sets it all for him. Though indefinitely, maybe he comes from a well to do family that can provide the healthcare that he needs... but one cannot dispute the fact that his emotions are going to be a tad similar to everyone else- the initial despair, the hopelessness, the feelings of defeat and anguish- the temptation of giving up. But God came to him, an gave him a purpose. At the age of 25, he has lead thousands of people to salvation, and he believes that that is God's purpose for him. That through his predicament, he can lift up other people; that he can be a major blessing to people... that he can be the spark that people need to find their way back to the arms of our great God.
I brought Fionna to the service, and she hasn't changed much, to say the least. It was truly heartwarming to see this student of mine, who used to give me attitude, become a somewhat gentler and more mellow young lady, with no loss in her usual spunk and sass. And the best part of it all, is that it was really thanks to God for giving her good friends, and changing her heart. Well, I believe that Nick's message really reached out to her too.
When I went on stage to hug Nick, I mean, really, he's one great guy. And when he said "I love you", something struck me, and I've been thinking about it ever since.
During his message, he said that humans basically need to hear 2 things:
1) that we are loved
2) that everything's going to be alright
How often it is, that the most basic things are what makes us happy and contented? I was doing my philosophy revision paper just a while ago, and in Plato's Republic, Cephalus implies that being rich is necessary but not sufficient for happiness. And that really got me thinking, I guess... haha... Where did we lose our innocence and naivity of what make u essentially human? Aud says that the devil came in and clouded our minds, and I guess that that's really true too.
The exams so far.. well, God's been with me throughout this entire journey, and I'm really glad that He has helped me through this period... Prayer really calm me down, nd honestly speaking, it has helped me answer some tough questions in the exams too! Haha.. Praise God for His abundant grace!!
Well, as I look at it, 2 more papers remain, and after that, I fly off to China, and subsequently, Cambodia. Then come back, rush-write all the Christmas cards, then do some last minute Christmas shopping.. and that's when the mad rush escalates again. Rush the planning for Dinner and Dance for OVA, attend FCBC's Countdown party, do the 2 camps I'm called up to do, plan my modules for next semester, clear the OVA Dinner and Dance, and try to push away Victorians' Day, which is hard to do, looking at it. Darn.
Life's busy! Haha.. but I guess that's just the way it is..
In the blink of an eye... 3 exams are over... and to think that this time last week, I was fretting and worrying over my exams... wow.
Yesterday, we had a guest speaker... Nick Vujicic... and he is a living testament to the abundant grace of God. Born without limbs, the outlook he adopts towards life, and his simple purpose in life sets it all for him. Though indefinitely, maybe he comes from a well to do family that can provide the healthcare that he needs... but one cannot dispute the fact that his emotions are going to be a tad similar to everyone else- the initial despair, the hopelessness, the feelings of defeat and anguish- the temptation of giving up. But God came to him, an gave him a purpose. At the age of 25, he has lead thousands of people to salvation, and he believes that that is God's purpose for him. That through his predicament, he can lift up other people; that he can be a major blessing to people... that he can be the spark that people need to find their way back to the arms of our great God.
I brought Fionna to the service, and she hasn't changed much, to say the least. It was truly heartwarming to see this student of mine, who used to give me attitude, become a somewhat gentler and more mellow young lady, with no loss in her usual spunk and sass. And the best part of it all, is that it was really thanks to God for giving her good friends, and changing her heart. Well, I believe that Nick's message really reached out to her too.
When I went on stage to hug Nick, I mean, really, he's one great guy. And when he said "I love you", something struck me, and I've been thinking about it ever since.
During his message, he said that humans basically need to hear 2 things:
1) that we are loved
2) that everything's going to be alright
How often it is, that the most basic things are what makes us happy and contented? I was doing my philosophy revision paper just a while ago, and in Plato's Republic, Cephalus implies that being rich is necessary but not sufficient for happiness. And that really got me thinking, I guess... haha... Where did we lose our innocence and naivity of what make u essentially human? Aud says that the devil came in and clouded our minds, and I guess that that's really true too.
The exams so far.. well, God's been with me throughout this entire journey, and I'm really glad that He has helped me through this period... Prayer really calm me down, nd honestly speaking, it has helped me answer some tough questions in the exams too! Haha.. Praise God for His abundant grace!!
Well, as I look at it, 2 more papers remain, and after that, I fly off to China, and subsequently, Cambodia. Then come back, rush-write all the Christmas cards, then do some last minute Christmas shopping.. and that's when the mad rush escalates again. Rush the planning for Dinner and Dance for OVA, attend FCBC's Countdown party, do the 2 camps I'm called up to do, plan my modules for next semester, clear the OVA Dinner and Dance, and try to push away Victorians' Day, which is hard to do, looking at it. Darn.
Life's busy! Haha.. but I guess that's just the way it is..
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Dear Mandy,
The countdown is nearing as I'm preparing to leave the house in about 30 minutes more and have my exam that is due at 1pm. Yes, my battle is about to begin, and what Cheryl told me yesterday really was super comforting. She said that I have God on my side, and that He'll provide for me. Haha... suddenly, my troops seem much more ready for battle. Thank you, Cher.. :)
Well, even as I'm mentally psyching myself for the exam, I guess I should just go in and give it my all. No point panicking, no point being paranoid... just go in there, and give it nothing less than my best. What will be, will be. *Frowns* That seems to be my favourite phrase these days.. haha.. *smiles*
Being paranoid about my exams is something that's always been the case, you see? I mean, last time in VJC, I actually blanked out during my maths exams... and ended up flunking my math prelim exams... well, I was sent for the re-test, upon my teacher, Mrs. Chuah, wanting to give me a 2nd shot. I didn't let her down this turn around as I hopped back with a C, which is um, well, I think I scored a 62 for the exam, a huge jump from my 42 in my prelims. It spear-headed me to a B for my A levels for Maths... and well, that's why I love Mrs. Chuah so much. ^^
And yet, university has been an immensely emotional rollercoaster journey thus far, but the first semeste is coming to an end, and I'm resolving to leave it all up to God already. My preparation phase this week has been really productive, to say the least, and I guess that right now, the important thing is just not to panic and to just go in there, and do my best. Forget all the past experiences that I faced of academic inability i VJC, and forget all the past assessments that I've had for Linear Algebra. The time is now, the determining factor is here. It's do or die now.
And even as I take my foot off the pedal, and let Jesus take the wheel, I do too, have to thank the people who kept me calm and composed last night... Sabbie, Rainie, Meng Siong, Zhiyuan, Jacob, Benny, Cheryl and PILA!! Hahaa.. yes yes, Pila, you. :) Thank you for just talking to me, even if it was just 4 simple sentences!! Hahaa.. :)
Well, onwards to my first battle of the exam war!! :)
The countdown is nearing as I'm preparing to leave the house in about 30 minutes more and have my exam that is due at 1pm. Yes, my battle is about to begin, and what Cheryl told me yesterday really was super comforting. She said that I have God on my side, and that He'll provide for me. Haha... suddenly, my troops seem much more ready for battle. Thank you, Cher.. :)
Well, even as I'm mentally psyching myself for the exam, I guess I should just go in and give it my all. No point panicking, no point being paranoid... just go in there, and give it nothing less than my best. What will be, will be. *Frowns* That seems to be my favourite phrase these days.. haha.. *smiles*
Being paranoid about my exams is something that's always been the case, you see? I mean, last time in VJC, I actually blanked out during my maths exams... and ended up flunking my math prelim exams... well, I was sent for the re-test, upon my teacher, Mrs. Chuah, wanting to give me a 2nd shot. I didn't let her down this turn around as I hopped back with a C, which is um, well, I think I scored a 62 for the exam, a huge jump from my 42 in my prelims. It spear-headed me to a B for my A levels for Maths... and well, that's why I love Mrs. Chuah so much. ^^
And yet, university has been an immensely emotional rollercoaster journey thus far, but the first semeste is coming to an end, and I'm resolving to leave it all up to God already. My preparation phase this week has been really productive, to say the least, and I guess that right now, the important thing is just not to panic and to just go in there, and do my best. Forget all the past experiences that I faced of academic inability i VJC, and forget all the past assessments that I've had for Linear Algebra. The time is now, the determining factor is here. It's do or die now.
And even as I take my foot off the pedal, and let Jesus take the wheel, I do too, have to thank the people who kept me calm and composed last night... Sabbie, Rainie, Meng Siong, Zhiyuan, Jacob, Benny, Cheryl and PILA!! Hahaa.. yes yes, Pila, you. :) Thank you for just talking to me, even if it was just 4 simple sentences!! Hahaa.. :)
Well, onwards to my first battle of the exam war!! :)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Dear Mandy,
And the exams are looming nearer and nearer.. I've got 5 more days till the start of the first paper, and well, these days, studying in VJC and in NUS have made me rather productive, I feel, but I'm still apprehensive.
Well, I evaluated the odds, and I realised that I like studying in VJC more than in NUS... I feel more carefree there, and it's honestly home to me. I have the swing, which has become my favourite companion, and the garden, and the two friends who I'm really comfortable around, as well as the occasional surprise guests that come by, like Si Min and Nigel. Haha.. the two friends who I study a lot with are Zhiyuan and Meng Siong, who've been with me since Sec 1. Meng is this... hardworking machine who's always got his aim that he works relentlessly for... of the three of us, he's easily the most hardworking and ambitious one. Then there's Zhiyuan, who's the alternative point of view. Of the three of us, he's easily the most realistic and unorthodox one. Ever seen someone study Chemistry standing on his chair? Well... u get the idea.
When I study with these two people, I feel a natural need to study hard, and at the same time, a natural ease that allows me to see clearly what is going on. They provide so many insights, and it is heartening to know that all of us are going through similar situations, and we share it outwardly with each other. It's a really nice feeling, and one that makes me feel better irregardless of things.
I'm worried for the exams still, but I can sense that I'm getting better.. well, more prepared. But I guess until I take the first paper, I won't really settle down and get into the mood... It struck me when I managed to find some personal time for myself at the swing on Thursday, how much I've missed having personal time to myself to just... think. And I think I prayed to God while I was there, cause many thoughts were going through my mind, and I just kinda felt God easing all my worries and fears about life in general. His presence was really... comforting. And I got a glimmer of that long awaited personal reflection time that I craved badly.
Similarly, I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready to head back into a relationship for now... and that, until I finish all the commitments on my hand, which will stretch all the way to either January 14 or March 10, depending on whether I get Victorians' Day at hand, I'll probably remain single. Time is definitely not on my hand, and I'm not keen to just jump into a r/s for the sake of it again.
I'm also looking forward to working as a camp instructor again, with a camp in the first week of January! Whoo-hoo! Haha... back to days of momentary escapism and camaradrie amongst the instructors. I guess that camps really are a form of momentary bliss.. haha.. an offer to be away from the normal stress of the working word. A campfire to hype the mood, a group of campers that you know you can motivate. And also, more learning lessons for us NOT to get too close to our campers. That is something that I'm defintely going to learn.
On a side note... I need a break. And I don't know when I'll get it, but I know that in God's arms I can find my rest, and that where I am weak, He is strong. I'm really glad that Kristy's coming back soon... and I also have to find time to meet up with Maggie, Gracie, Gayne, Rainie, Zhiyuan, Jacob, and also, for my Church friends like Pila and Cheryl. Haha.. I've got a packed schedule... but I'll get by it. Because everything in His time. My Lord will provide for me.
And the exams are looming nearer and nearer.. I've got 5 more days till the start of the first paper, and well, these days, studying in VJC and in NUS have made me rather productive, I feel, but I'm still apprehensive.
Well, I evaluated the odds, and I realised that I like studying in VJC more than in NUS... I feel more carefree there, and it's honestly home to me. I have the swing, which has become my favourite companion, and the garden, and the two friends who I'm really comfortable around, as well as the occasional surprise guests that come by, like Si Min and Nigel. Haha.. the two friends who I study a lot with are Zhiyuan and Meng Siong, who've been with me since Sec 1. Meng is this... hardworking machine who's always got his aim that he works relentlessly for... of the three of us, he's easily the most hardworking and ambitious one. Then there's Zhiyuan, who's the alternative point of view. Of the three of us, he's easily the most realistic and unorthodox one. Ever seen someone study Chemistry standing on his chair? Well... u get the idea.
When I study with these two people, I feel a natural need to study hard, and at the same time, a natural ease that allows me to see clearly what is going on. They provide so many insights, and it is heartening to know that all of us are going through similar situations, and we share it outwardly with each other. It's a really nice feeling, and one that makes me feel better irregardless of things.
I'm worried for the exams still, but I can sense that I'm getting better.. well, more prepared. But I guess until I take the first paper, I won't really settle down and get into the mood... It struck me when I managed to find some personal time for myself at the swing on Thursday, how much I've missed having personal time to myself to just... think. And I think I prayed to God while I was there, cause many thoughts were going through my mind, and I just kinda felt God easing all my worries and fears about life in general. His presence was really... comforting. And I got a glimmer of that long awaited personal reflection time that I craved badly.
Similarly, I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready to head back into a relationship for now... and that, until I finish all the commitments on my hand, which will stretch all the way to either January 14 or March 10, depending on whether I get Victorians' Day at hand, I'll probably remain single. Time is definitely not on my hand, and I'm not keen to just jump into a r/s for the sake of it again.
I'm also looking forward to working as a camp instructor again, with a camp in the first week of January! Whoo-hoo! Haha... back to days of momentary escapism and camaradrie amongst the instructors. I guess that camps really are a form of momentary bliss.. haha.. an offer to be away from the normal stress of the working word. A campfire to hype the mood, a group of campers that you know you can motivate. And also, more learning lessons for us NOT to get too close to our campers. That is something that I'm defintely going to learn.
On a side note... I need a break. And I don't know when I'll get it, but I know that in God's arms I can find my rest, and that where I am weak, He is strong. I'm really glad that Kristy's coming back soon... and I also have to find time to meet up with Maggie, Gracie, Gayne, Rainie, Zhiyuan, Jacob, and also, for my Church friends like Pila and Cheryl. Haha.. I've got a packed schedule... but I'll get by it. Because everything in His time. My Lord will provide for me.
"Just a closer walk with Thee
Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea
Daily walking close to Thee
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be...
I am weak, but Thou art strong
Jesus, keep me from all harm
I'll be satisifed as long
As I walk, let me walk, close to Thee
Just a closer walk with Thee
Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea
Daily walking close to Thee
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be..."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Dear Mandy,
I have absolutely no idea why I'm feeling really demoralised, tired and down and out of sorts. And it's really freaking me out. I just get this feeling like I'm not going to do well for exams, and I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing now is right, or if I'm going to get anywhere, or even... if what I'm pursuing right now is what God has for me.
It's disconcerting to say the least, and the comments that I have received for my Sociology essay aren't exactly the best. I thought that I'd done it pretty ok, but well, I kinda missed the objective, and it wasn't what they were looking for. Coming at this kinda time, it really isn't the best feeling whatsoever, and it just gets me wondering how well I'm going to be doing for my Philosophy paper as well. Coupled with the fact that this morning's lab quiz didn't go as well, I'm wondering just what is it that I'm doing right here, right now.
Am I really cut out for this sort of higher education clause? I can't remember what I've studied the day before, I'm losing sleep, and I should be stressed, but instead, I feel myself somewhat being lost in this huge vortex of a lack of direction, and a very... frail figure, like as though any minute now, I'm going to fail my exams. I really don't know what I need to get myself back on track, and I know that I'm running out of time to find that winning formula to do well, and be prepared for the exams. Just what is going on with me?!
Ugh. I'm just holding on as well as I can without breaking down, but I let myself be affected one time too many by others around me, and I really... just sincerely... wish that there was more that I could be doing, or can do. In truth, I kinda admit that despite my increase in my efforts, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to pay off. And that feeling, completely and totally sux. It;s worse than in JC, where I know that I focused too much on Council and ended up rushing to catch up, because I know that I didn't really build up my foundations. But isn't now different? I mean, I'm trying and putting in more effort... and yet... I'm just... short of the mark. *sighs*
Who am I trying to kid? My days of strong academia are really fading out... how did I manage to juggle everything in VS? I guess I now know.. the subjects that I had tuition for, I did exceptionally well, and flopped in those that I didn't have. But that isn't supposed to be the case now, isn't it? I mean.. what have I gotta do..? Go find tuition for uni subjects? That's impossible! But well... I chose this path, and I know that God led me to it. I just have to trust in Him, and put my best foot forwards.. that's all that I can do for now. But it is still awfully disconcerting... I need to get this out of my system and evaluate myself better.
Well, as of now, the only thing I have left is just to keep trying and try harder. I just have to I guess.. because.. as of now.. I'm fighting a battle that I have to succeed myself. Watching ElizabethTown gave me a couple of mixed effects... let me explain.
Drew Baylor's major flop at Mercury Shoes, and his being a completely charming person to his relatives at ElizabethTown at his father's funeral kinda sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling to come to terms with my inadequacy, and yet, I'm also having to live up to this stereotype of what is typically me. I don't know, but in sense, I'm just trying really hard, to find a firm, secure footing. In comes Claire Colburn... Claire is a happy-go-lucky woman, who is an intruguing presence to Drew. Drew spends a lot of time with Claire, and after the night that they spend together, Drew admits all his hidden feelings to Claire. And Claire, sweet, sweet Claire, told him that it really doesn't matter. And this line that she told him, really struck me: "You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to FAIL BIG and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me." It really struck me, and I think that that is an affirmation that I just have to keep trying. University was never meant to be easy, and even right now, I'm seeing that. What will be will be. I'll just keep working at it, and trust that God will somehow lead me out of this battlefield with my head held high, and having conquered the 1st Semester of University life as an undergraduate.
Life isn't all it's spruced out to be, but everything in its time. I'll keep working on it.
I have absolutely no idea why I'm feeling really demoralised, tired and down and out of sorts. And it's really freaking me out. I just get this feeling like I'm not going to do well for exams, and I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing now is right, or if I'm going to get anywhere, or even... if what I'm pursuing right now is what God has for me.
It's disconcerting to say the least, and the comments that I have received for my Sociology essay aren't exactly the best. I thought that I'd done it pretty ok, but well, I kinda missed the objective, and it wasn't what they were looking for. Coming at this kinda time, it really isn't the best feeling whatsoever, and it just gets me wondering how well I'm going to be doing for my Philosophy paper as well. Coupled with the fact that this morning's lab quiz didn't go as well, I'm wondering just what is it that I'm doing right here, right now.
Am I really cut out for this sort of higher education clause? I can't remember what I've studied the day before, I'm losing sleep, and I should be stressed, but instead, I feel myself somewhat being lost in this huge vortex of a lack of direction, and a very... frail figure, like as though any minute now, I'm going to fail my exams. I really don't know what I need to get myself back on track, and I know that I'm running out of time to find that winning formula to do well, and be prepared for the exams. Just what is going on with me?!
Ugh. I'm just holding on as well as I can without breaking down, but I let myself be affected one time too many by others around me, and I really... just sincerely... wish that there was more that I could be doing, or can do. In truth, I kinda admit that despite my increase in my efforts, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to pay off. And that feeling, completely and totally sux. It;s worse than in JC, where I know that I focused too much on Council and ended up rushing to catch up, because I know that I didn't really build up my foundations. But isn't now different? I mean, I'm trying and putting in more effort... and yet... I'm just... short of the mark. *sighs*
Who am I trying to kid? My days of strong academia are really fading out... how did I manage to juggle everything in VS? I guess I now know.. the subjects that I had tuition for, I did exceptionally well, and flopped in those that I didn't have. But that isn't supposed to be the case now, isn't it? I mean.. what have I gotta do..? Go find tuition for uni subjects? That's impossible! But well... I chose this path, and I know that God led me to it. I just have to trust in Him, and put my best foot forwards.. that's all that I can do for now. But it is still awfully disconcerting... I need to get this out of my system and evaluate myself better.
Well, as of now, the only thing I have left is just to keep trying and try harder. I just have to I guess.. because.. as of now.. I'm fighting a battle that I have to succeed myself. Watching ElizabethTown gave me a couple of mixed effects... let me explain.
Drew Baylor's major flop at Mercury Shoes, and his being a completely charming person to his relatives at ElizabethTown at his father's funeral kinda sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling to come to terms with my inadequacy, and yet, I'm also having to live up to this stereotype of what is typically me. I don't know, but in sense, I'm just trying really hard, to find a firm, secure footing. In comes Claire Colburn... Claire is a happy-go-lucky woman, who is an intruguing presence to Drew. Drew spends a lot of time with Claire, and after the night that they spend together, Drew admits all his hidden feelings to Claire. And Claire, sweet, sweet Claire, told him that it really doesn't matter. And this line that she told him, really struck me: "You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to FAIL BIG and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me." It really struck me, and I think that that is an affirmation that I just have to keep trying. University was never meant to be easy, and even right now, I'm seeing that. What will be will be. I'll just keep working at it, and trust that God will somehow lead me out of this battlefield with my head held high, and having conquered the 1st Semester of University life as an undergraduate.
Life isn't all it's spruced out to be, but everything in its time. I'll keep working on it.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Well, I'm just sitting here, supposed to be reading eithe CH2292A notes or doing some Philosophy, when I suddenly felt aimless and lonely, and decided to write in to you.
Now, is officially the mugging season, and I'm cranking up my engine *rev rev...* to become a mugger machine. And as of now, I think I'm in pretty good stead, I just need to really get my biological clock to adjust to sleeping at 2am, and to wake up at the times I've planned to wake up. Of late, it's been hard to wake up... haha... oh well... mugging is the life, the essence.. or, as someone told me, I'm officially married to my books. *shrug*
I really wonder how these exams are going to be like, and how I'll fare. I mean.. I'm really a tad slow for now, but I realised that I've covered a fair bit of ground also. Which, in all honesty, surprises me. I'm beginning to understand how to study English Language, and I love studying my sociology. Philosophy has given me new insights, which I realise I've been using when some people come to me with their problems... and China Film Studies.. the lecturer is driving me nuts. That being said, Linear Algebra stands as my biggest problem for now, but Meng Siong is helping me.
Well, on and off. That's my mentality. On and off. No no, not like the Karate kid "Wax on.. wax off.. wax on.. wax off.." *SHeesh* The on and off mentality is to take things with a pinch of salt. Knowing when to say yes and when to politely reject. Yep, learning how to say no is really a great tool when tempered with compassion and humility.
ARh. 18 more days till the big EXAMS! Haha.. forwards!!
Well, I'm just sitting here, supposed to be reading eithe CH2292A notes or doing some Philosophy, when I suddenly felt aimless and lonely, and decided to write in to you.
Now, is officially the mugging season, and I'm cranking up my engine *rev rev...* to become a mugger machine. And as of now, I think I'm in pretty good stead, I just need to really get my biological clock to adjust to sleeping at 2am, and to wake up at the times I've planned to wake up. Of late, it's been hard to wake up... haha... oh well... mugging is the life, the essence.. or, as someone told me, I'm officially married to my books. *shrug*
I really wonder how these exams are going to be like, and how I'll fare. I mean.. I'm really a tad slow for now, but I realised that I've covered a fair bit of ground also. Which, in all honesty, surprises me. I'm beginning to understand how to study English Language, and I love studying my sociology. Philosophy has given me new insights, which I realise I've been using when some people come to me with their problems... and China Film Studies.. the lecturer is driving me nuts. That being said, Linear Algebra stands as my biggest problem for now, but Meng Siong is helping me.
Well, on and off. That's my mentality. On and off. No no, not like the Karate kid "Wax on.. wax off.. wax on.. wax off.." *SHeesh* The on and off mentality is to take things with a pinch of salt. Knowing when to say yes and when to politely reject. Yep, learning how to say no is really a great tool when tempered with compassion and humility.
ARh. 18 more days till the big EXAMS! Haha.. forwards!!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Dear Mandy,
It's raining now, and a sweet, old song came to mind...
"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
and let me be alone again."
It's a nice song and a very old one at that, and well, I love hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it falls... "Heaven's tears" someone calls it.. and I start to wonder. Are they tears of joy, or tears of sadness? Haha.. maybe I think too much. ^_^
Well, God has been so great, and so real this week, that I'm really overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. Not only did He bless me with love, and a broken spirit, He also gave me assurance of my efforts in Him, when the mission trip's planning, DnD planning all made progress, and my grades gave me renewed vigour to press on. Except that I've been procrastinating.. haha..
I haven't been able to really get down to studying these few days, and though I attribute it to Philosophy essay and Sociology term assignment, I know that it's more than just that. But today, during service, where it talked about wisdom and intelligence, somehow or rather, I just know that God as speaking to me. And when I responded to altar call, and my own cell leader came to pray for me, I knew what I have to do. And it's FULL INTENSIVE MUGGING!! Hahaha.. oooh, I like that.
Recently rekindled some stagnant friendships, and the feelings are good nonetheless... and I also came to a harsh realisaton about a couple of facts also. It's really interesting, sometimes... how God's plan works, but I can also sense that His time and His plan is beautiful. And truth be told, I'm really really thankful that Rachel brought me to church, and I got saved. God has been so real to me, and I just don't know how to thank Him for all the grace He has given me.
Special thanks has to go out to Jacob. Haha.. of late, we've been having so many interesting conversations, that I'm finding myself more relaxed and happy. Hahaa.. of course, and Deepak.. for all the Linear Algebra funness... and Zhiyuan... the dude who always gives me an honest perspective about things. Of course, thank Pila for all her nice nice songs, and KrisK for hearing me rant about some stuff.. haha.. thanks guys!!
It's raining now, and a sweet, old song came to mind...
"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
and let me be alone again."
It's a nice song and a very old one at that, and well, I love hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it falls... "Heaven's tears" someone calls it.. and I start to wonder. Are they tears of joy, or tears of sadness? Haha.. maybe I think too much. ^_^
Well, God has been so great, and so real this week, that I'm really overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. Not only did He bless me with love, and a broken spirit, He also gave me assurance of my efforts in Him, when the mission trip's planning, DnD planning all made progress, and my grades gave me renewed vigour to press on. Except that I've been procrastinating.. haha..
I haven't been able to really get down to studying these few days, and though I attribute it to Philosophy essay and Sociology term assignment, I know that it's more than just that. But today, during service, where it talked about wisdom and intelligence, somehow or rather, I just know that God as speaking to me. And when I responded to altar call, and my own cell leader came to pray for me, I knew what I have to do. And it's FULL INTENSIVE MUGGING!! Hahaha.. oooh, I like that.
Recently rekindled some stagnant friendships, and the feelings are good nonetheless... and I also came to a harsh realisaton about a couple of facts also. It's really interesting, sometimes... how God's plan works, but I can also sense that His time and His plan is beautiful. And truth be told, I'm really really thankful that Rachel brought me to church, and I got saved. God has been so real to me, and I just don't know how to thank Him for all the grace He has given me.
Special thanks has to go out to Jacob. Haha.. of late, we've been having so many interesting conversations, that I'm finding myself more relaxed and happy. Hahaa.. of course, and Deepak.. for all the Linear Algebra funness... and Zhiyuan... the dude who always gives me an honest perspective about things. Of course, thank Pila for all her nice nice songs, and KrisK for hearing me rant about some stuff.. haha.. thanks guys!!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Yeah, I've kinda disappeared for a good month plus, but the truth is, I haven't really been having any inspiration of late to do any blogging. But after doing so much linear algebra, and still uncertain of how well I'll do for the mid term tests, I'm seriously dying out. Haha... what can I say? Hmm... this is Week 8 of uni.. and here's some of my views!
1) No matter how hardworking you are, the workload never stops piling up, and it's a never ending flow of tutorials, readings, lectures, projects and essays... and when you have a mid term test, you make a huge sacrifice of studying for the mid term test, and neglect your daily routine of lectures and tutorials, and when your mid term test is over, your workload and the amount of catching up to go for indefinitely doubles, and you find yourself suffocated by the amount of work you have to do to catch up. Even as I take this 1hr break from my linear algebra revision, I'm mentally counting the number of readings, tutorials and webcast lectures I have to catch up on. If it helps, of my entire Sociology course book, I've only read 1 out of 10 readings. Each reading is about 15 pages... I rest my case.
2) Next, it doesn't mean that the more hardworking you are, the more definite you will do well for your exams and essays. I mean, objectively speaking, if we are to really be on par, then oh gosh... we'd have to survive with like 4 to 5 hours of sleep each night, give up going out too often, and give up your personal time to actually be able to keep up to mark with all that's going on, and to have extra time to do extra revision so you can ensure that you retain everything that you have learnt, and can apply them when the time comes.
3) Uni is hard to adapt to, given that the pace is crazier than JC, and the diversity of everything is WHOA!!!! Hahaha... I'm trying hard to find similarities between all the modules, but all 5 are rather diverse, and well, so much in depth that it really makes JC pale in comparison. Whoever said that Uni isn't as stressful as JC? I'm aiming for a good CAP score of abt 4.0, and well, to look at it that way, and my recent English test of 18/30, I need to work even harder than I am now...
Well, those are the 3 main views that I have at the moment, and well, if anybody disagrees, I welcome the disagreements. Of course, I have had moments of inspiration, and moments of dissipation... but hey... that's life, isn't it? And I think God gave each of us our own set of challenges, aspirations and expectations to hit, and I do believe that if God leads us to it, He will lead us through it. He will make a way, when there seems to be no way. Amen!
I need a breather, and after this mid term tests are over, I will go for a nice long run. Hahaha... I miss running... and of course, I miss the times in VJC where we'd have all those long, nice chats about nothing in general. Or sitting at the Council stairs, sitting by the swings, and the endless bouts of Polar Bear. Hahaha... memories won't fade away? But time doesn't wait for us... it always moves on, and that's the irony of time. Time can come to a standstill in nostalgia, yet moves doubly fast when the nostalgia ends.
And of course, there's Rainie... things between us have mellowed down, indefinitely... cause both of us are busy with exams and our own stressful academic lives, and she'll be going to Shanghai this coming Thursday. Will I miss her? Yeah, I will, because despite the mellowing of emotions, she's still by and large, a very important part of my life. She's still my motivation at times, and I do realise that when I get depressed, she's still the first few people I think of, and the one I would really like to turn to.
Well, back to Linear Algebra! :)
Yeah, I've kinda disappeared for a good month plus, but the truth is, I haven't really been having any inspiration of late to do any blogging. But after doing so much linear algebra, and still uncertain of how well I'll do for the mid term tests, I'm seriously dying out. Haha... what can I say? Hmm... this is Week 8 of uni.. and here's some of my views!
1) No matter how hardworking you are, the workload never stops piling up, and it's a never ending flow of tutorials, readings, lectures, projects and essays... and when you have a mid term test, you make a huge sacrifice of studying for the mid term test, and neglect your daily routine of lectures and tutorials, and when your mid term test is over, your workload and the amount of catching up to go for indefinitely doubles, and you find yourself suffocated by the amount of work you have to do to catch up. Even as I take this 1hr break from my linear algebra revision, I'm mentally counting the number of readings, tutorials and webcast lectures I have to catch up on. If it helps, of my entire Sociology course book, I've only read 1 out of 10 readings. Each reading is about 15 pages... I rest my case.
2) Next, it doesn't mean that the more hardworking you are, the more definite you will do well for your exams and essays. I mean, objectively speaking, if we are to really be on par, then oh gosh... we'd have to survive with like 4 to 5 hours of sleep each night, give up going out too often, and give up your personal time to actually be able to keep up to mark with all that's going on, and to have extra time to do extra revision so you can ensure that you retain everything that you have learnt, and can apply them when the time comes.
3) Uni is hard to adapt to, given that the pace is crazier than JC, and the diversity of everything is WHOA!!!! Hahaha... I'm trying hard to find similarities between all the modules, but all 5 are rather diverse, and well, so much in depth that it really makes JC pale in comparison. Whoever said that Uni isn't as stressful as JC? I'm aiming for a good CAP score of abt 4.0, and well, to look at it that way, and my recent English test of 18/30, I need to work even harder than I am now...
Well, those are the 3 main views that I have at the moment, and well, if anybody disagrees, I welcome the disagreements. Of course, I have had moments of inspiration, and moments of dissipation... but hey... that's life, isn't it? And I think God gave each of us our own set of challenges, aspirations and expectations to hit, and I do believe that if God leads us to it, He will lead us through it. He will make a way, when there seems to be no way. Amen!
I need a breather, and after this mid term tests are over, I will go for a nice long run. Hahaha... I miss running... and of course, I miss the times in VJC where we'd have all those long, nice chats about nothing in general. Or sitting at the Council stairs, sitting by the swings, and the endless bouts of Polar Bear. Hahaha... memories won't fade away? But time doesn't wait for us... it always moves on, and that's the irony of time. Time can come to a standstill in nostalgia, yet moves doubly fast when the nostalgia ends.
Thank God though, for His presence and His love... that sweeps over me to tide me through rough times. I'm constantly reminded of His promises to me, like how during service yesterday, Joel prayed for me, using the example of the Samarian woman... and I really felt God's words through Joel hitting me hard.
And of course, there's Rainie... things between us have mellowed down, indefinitely... cause both of us are busy with exams and our own stressful academic lives, and she'll be going to Shanghai this coming Thursday. Will I miss her? Yeah, I will, because despite the mellowing of emotions, she's still by and large, a very important part of my life. She's still my motivation at times, and I do realise that when I get depressed, she's still the first few people I think of, and the one I would really like to turn to.
Well, back to Linear Algebra! :)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
ON BENDED KNEE - BOYZ II MEN
Darling I, I can't explain,Where did we lose our love,
'Girl it's driving me insane.
And I know I just need one more chance,
To prove my love to you.
And if you come back to me,I'll guarantee,
That I'll never let you go.
CHORUS:
Can we go back to the days
Our love was strong.
Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong.
Can somebody tell me How to get things back,
The way they used to be.
Oh God, give me the reason,
I'm down on bended knee.
B-SECTION:
I'll never walk again,
Until you come back to me,
I'm down on bended knee.
So many nights I dream of you.
Holding my pillow tight I know,
That I don't need to be alone.
When I open up my eyes,
To face reality,
Every moment without you,
It seems like eternity.
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me.
REPEAT CHORUS.
MIKE:Baby, I'm sorry,
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I'm sorry I let you down.
Please forgive me.
I'm gonna swallow my pride,Say I'm sorry,
Stop pointing fingers, The blame is on me.
I want a new life,And I want it with you.
If you feel the same,Don't ever let it go.
You gotta believe in the spirit of love,
It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more.
No I don't believe our love's terminal.
I'm down on my knees,Begging you please,
Come home.
REPEAT CHORUS TWICE.
REPEAT BRIDGE.
Wanna build a new life,
Just you and me.
Gonna make you my wife,
Raise a family.
REPEAT BRIDGE.
This song is one of my personal favourite... it's a song that's sad, impactful, and yet those kind of slow ballads that are way up my alley. Hmm... well... this song can describe my feeling at the moment also... things now are rather confusing, complicated... and as I struggle to find my footing and my place, I find myself constantly being swept from under my feet...
Of late, I started to think about some things, and I realised that the stress is really accumulating. Not only do I have to balance my studies and projects, I now have to handle the DnD, as well as my pending reservist dates... Am I worried? Yeah, I don't deny it.. And yet, I find myself unwilling to tell people about these stress... I just take it all upon myself, clam up, and try to swim my way through a river fraught with obstacles. Might as well just shoot myself while I'm at it, because I seriously don't know where else to go or what else to do.
Arrows, trust, reliability, responsibility... I know I am all those, and capable of taking on much more... but some people don't seem to understand it when I say I really want to take a break from being the guy who's always at the forefront, leading the charge. I really have enjoyed being that silent guy in uni thus far... the one who just keeps to himself, minding his own business, and not worrying about having to face the scores of expectations people set upon you just because you are this guy that everyone knows.
I guess it's at this point i have to say that one reason why I'm hung on as long as I have is cause of God's grace, my motivation, support and inspiration in Rainie, and that group of close friends I have who never let me fall too far...
"You gotta believe in the spirit of love, It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more." This line stands out so much in the song I posted... I really believe that love can heal all things, and time heals all wounds. I really do.. And that's why I believe that tears aren't weakness... I believe tears are emotions, tears are expressions.. tears are only human. You cry when you're happy, you cry when you're sad, you cry when you're afraid, you cry when you're lonely and by yourself... and most importantly... you cry because you're strong enough to admit that sometimes you need a good cry, a warm hug and the presence of someone you love to give you that security that everything is going to be alright.
And... well... I guess that right now... I need just that...
Darling I, I can't explain,Where did we lose our love,
'Girl it's driving me insane.
And I know I just need one more chance,
To prove my love to you.
And if you come back to me,I'll guarantee,
That I'll never let you go.
CHORUS:
Can we go back to the days
Our love was strong.
Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong.
Can somebody tell me How to get things back,
The way they used to be.
Oh God, give me the reason,
I'm down on bended knee.
B-SECTION:
I'll never walk again,
Until you come back to me,
I'm down on bended knee.
So many nights I dream of you.
Holding my pillow tight I know,
That I don't need to be alone.
When I open up my eyes,
To face reality,
Every moment without you,
It seems like eternity.
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me.
REPEAT CHORUS.
MIKE:Baby, I'm sorry,
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I'm sorry I let you down.
Please forgive me.
I'm gonna swallow my pride,Say I'm sorry,
Stop pointing fingers, The blame is on me.
I want a new life,And I want it with you.
If you feel the same,Don't ever let it go.
You gotta believe in the spirit of love,
It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more.
No I don't believe our love's terminal.
I'm down on my knees,Begging you please,
Come home.
REPEAT CHORUS TWICE.
REPEAT BRIDGE.
Wanna build a new life,
Just you and me.
Gonna make you my wife,
Raise a family.
REPEAT BRIDGE.
This song is one of my personal favourite... it's a song that's sad, impactful, and yet those kind of slow ballads that are way up my alley. Hmm... well... this song can describe my feeling at the moment also... things now are rather confusing, complicated... and as I struggle to find my footing and my place, I find myself constantly being swept from under my feet...
Of late, I started to think about some things, and I realised that the stress is really accumulating. Not only do I have to balance my studies and projects, I now have to handle the DnD, as well as my pending reservist dates... Am I worried? Yeah, I don't deny it.. And yet, I find myself unwilling to tell people about these stress... I just take it all upon myself, clam up, and try to swim my way through a river fraught with obstacles. Might as well just shoot myself while I'm at it, because I seriously don't know where else to go or what else to do.
Arrows, trust, reliability, responsibility... I know I am all those, and capable of taking on much more... but some people don't seem to understand it when I say I really want to take a break from being the guy who's always at the forefront, leading the charge. I really have enjoyed being that silent guy in uni thus far... the one who just keeps to himself, minding his own business, and not worrying about having to face the scores of expectations people set upon you just because you are this guy that everyone knows.
I guess it's at this point i have to say that one reason why I'm hung on as long as I have is cause of God's grace, my motivation, support and inspiration in Rainie, and that group of close friends I have who never let me fall too far...
"You gotta believe in the spirit of love, It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more." This line stands out so much in the song I posted... I really believe that love can heal all things, and time heals all wounds. I really do.. And that's why I believe that tears aren't weakness... I believe tears are emotions, tears are expressions.. tears are only human. You cry when you're happy, you cry when you're sad, you cry when you're afraid, you cry when you're lonely and by yourself... and most importantly... you cry because you're strong enough to admit that sometimes you need a good cry, a warm hug and the presence of someone you love to give you that security that everything is going to be alright.
And... well... I guess that right now... I need just that...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Dear Mandy,
I went back to VJC to study today, and truth being told... it felt like old days... I won't say I was very productive... but I did manage to complete the tutorial for Linear Algebra I, which wasn't by any chance easy.. and I got started on my tutorial for EL 1101E, and had fun with Zhiyuan and Meng Siong in our chats.
I kinda wished I had more time to study and everything, but I guess I'm thankful for what I managed to complete. I'm actually looking forward to longer studying hours in a conducive environment... wherever it may be... be it at VJC, sometimes at home, with Rainie... well, really, the sense of completing an assignment or a reading really can be quite euphoric. It's weird... haha... an adrenaline rush from readings... never thought I'd say that in my life.
Had to rush off to Andrew's birthday party after that, and truth be told, I love his singing. His voice is so deep and so mellow that I really lost myself in it... THen there were the speeches by people about him... about what a good friend he has been, or the things that he has done that makes him so special, and indeed, I found myself quite enthralled by the ongoing speeches, and along the way, I started wondering what people would say about me. Haha... it's kinda weird, but I brushed the notion aside quickly, because I am pretty content with life thus far... well, the key word being pretty.
I trust God with what's going on in my life... but I do wish that Rainie was back in my life. Things between us of late haven't been the very smooth sailing... it suddenly occurred to me by and large, what has been causing rifts in our relationship have been mostly external factors. Though I'm not keen to say what external factors, but we have let what has been going on affect us... it's quite weird, to say the least.. but I sense that we have been shortchanged in our relationship. I myself haven't been the most secure in that knowledge either, and I'm gradually learning... though slow, but gradually.
But thanks be to God... for He always provides, and the affirmation that I received both from Him and Rainie give me the strength that I need to carry on strongly... I trust in God... and I believe in Rainie... :)
Dawn breaks... :)
I went back to VJC to study today, and truth being told... it felt like old days... I won't say I was very productive... but I did manage to complete the tutorial for Linear Algebra I, which wasn't by any chance easy.. and I got started on my tutorial for EL 1101E, and had fun with Zhiyuan and Meng Siong in our chats.
I kinda wished I had more time to study and everything, but I guess I'm thankful for what I managed to complete. I'm actually looking forward to longer studying hours in a conducive environment... wherever it may be... be it at VJC, sometimes at home, with Rainie... well, really, the sense of completing an assignment or a reading really can be quite euphoric. It's weird... haha... an adrenaline rush from readings... never thought I'd say that in my life.
Had to rush off to Andrew's birthday party after that, and truth be told, I love his singing. His voice is so deep and so mellow that I really lost myself in it... THen there were the speeches by people about him... about what a good friend he has been, or the things that he has done that makes him so special, and indeed, I found myself quite enthralled by the ongoing speeches, and along the way, I started wondering what people would say about me. Haha... it's kinda weird, but I brushed the notion aside quickly, because I am pretty content with life thus far... well, the key word being pretty.
I trust God with what's going on in my life... but I do wish that Rainie was back in my life. Things between us of late haven't been the very smooth sailing... it suddenly occurred to me by and large, what has been causing rifts in our relationship have been mostly external factors. Though I'm not keen to say what external factors, but we have let what has been going on affect us... it's quite weird, to say the least.. but I sense that we have been shortchanged in our relationship. I myself haven't been the most secure in that knowledge either, and I'm gradually learning... though slow, but gradually.
But thanks be to God... for He always provides, and the affirmation that I received both from Him and Rainie give me the strength that I need to carry on strongly... I trust in God... and I believe in Rainie... :)
Dawn breaks... :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Dear Mandy,
And oft it seems that the likes of time are simply a test of reality. Understand what I just typed, well, neither do I. I'm typing gibberish, and it feels like just the right thing to do.
I'm kinda lost... Lost in the frails and demands of university, lost in my own thoughts... and lost in the happenings around me. I'm just simply lost. I'm trying to cope with the everyday hassles of life, and yet, find myself seriously wanting. I've got to try to refind the me that I once was... because even I myself have realised that I'm losing that gentle, sensitive side of me... Perhaps I'm finding that it's better to protect yourself in a sense, because I don't really know most of the people that I'm going for lectures or the soon to take place tutorials. But I don't want to lose that soft, sensitive and understanding side of me in this plethora of growing up problems.
I can't seem to fathom the right words to say at the right times, and I cannot seem to hide my emotions as well as I used to...
Hmmm... perhaps I've been taking too much on for my own good? I have absolutely no idea... but studying sociology has been interestingly fun, and it did give me new insights when I went through the textbook just now... I can definitely relate to the part whereby it says that "They cannot cope with their personal troubles in such a way as to control the structural transformations that usually lie behind them."
Isn't it quite so true? I mean, how often has it that we face problems because of what society seems to deem as what the normal, average person should obtain? Or how we're completely bound by the rules that society throws at us? It really did open up my views about the whole thing, and well, so far, it hasn't changed my perspective much, but I'm pretty certain that in due time, it will.
After all is said and done... I guess I have to trust that God will be there for me, and that He will make a way. We all go through our tough times in life... but I believe God will bring us through it all. I just have to remain prayerful, and seek Him in times of need.
I have to say thank you to JoAan, Dommy, Sharon Tey, Sabrina, Jacob and Zhiyuan... for being there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. :)
And I have to say thank you to Rainie.. for being my motivation, inspiration.. I'm sorry of late I've been quite not the same... but I'll be back.. this i promise. Forgive me...
And oft it seems that the likes of time are simply a test of reality. Understand what I just typed, well, neither do I. I'm typing gibberish, and it feels like just the right thing to do.
I'm kinda lost... Lost in the frails and demands of university, lost in my own thoughts... and lost in the happenings around me. I'm just simply lost. I'm trying to cope with the everyday hassles of life, and yet, find myself seriously wanting. I've got to try to refind the me that I once was... because even I myself have realised that I'm losing that gentle, sensitive side of me... Perhaps I'm finding that it's better to protect yourself in a sense, because I don't really know most of the people that I'm going for lectures or the soon to take place tutorials. But I don't want to lose that soft, sensitive and understanding side of me in this plethora of growing up problems.
I can't seem to fathom the right words to say at the right times, and I cannot seem to hide my emotions as well as I used to...
Hmmm... perhaps I've been taking too much on for my own good? I have absolutely no idea... but studying sociology has been interestingly fun, and it did give me new insights when I went through the textbook just now... I can definitely relate to the part whereby it says that "They cannot cope with their personal troubles in such a way as to control the structural transformations that usually lie behind them."
Isn't it quite so true? I mean, how often has it that we face problems because of what society seems to deem as what the normal, average person should obtain? Or how we're completely bound by the rules that society throws at us? It really did open up my views about the whole thing, and well, so far, it hasn't changed my perspective much, but I'm pretty certain that in due time, it will.
After all is said and done... I guess I have to trust that God will be there for me, and that He will make a way. We all go through our tough times in life... but I believe God will bring us through it all. I just have to remain prayerful, and seek Him in times of need.
I have to say thank you to JoAan, Dommy, Sharon Tey, Sabrina, Jacob and Zhiyuan... for being there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. :)
And I have to say thank you to Rainie.. for being my motivation, inspiration.. I'm sorry of late I've been quite not the same... but I'll be back.. this i promise. Forgive me...
Friday, August 17, 2007
Dear Mandy,
"To be or not to be, that is the question." I guess this is an awfully famous quote that philosophers always use. Today marks the end of my first week in university, and truth be told, it's been quite tiring, to say the least. Though I did enjoy a couple of my university lectures, there were some that leave me worried, and a bit apprehensive about how well I'm going to do in uni.
I enjoyed my Philosophy, Sociology and English lectures, and though my China Film studies and math lecturers leave much to be desired, I think that I can do well if I put in effort and keep up with my readings, and my tutorials. It's time to be a different person... to be a hardworking mugger, and stop being involved in too many activities for my own good.
That being said.. a lot of people have sensed the change in my personality... where once I was the world's most sociable idiot, I've become a reserved chap whose sole purpose is to study hard and make it. And a lot of people have been even surprised at my change, but I realised that I kinda like being this way. Low profile, relatively unknown, and not being watched by everyone. It's nice to not have to shoulder the responsibility of answering to the demands of the social world, and to sit quietly and observe the world go by. Though I'm still the same spunky, crazy guy to my close friends, they too can sense my desire to become a deep, contemplative individual.
Of late, it seems everyone has been having a lot of personal problems to handle.. just want to say "Jiayou" to everyone, and there will be a brighter day. Hang in there, and if you have to, cry... I've learnt that tears are not a sign of weakness, but emotions... and it takes more courage to cry than to be strong. I believe that, i really do.
Rainie... thank you... for everything. You're still my inspiration, my pillar of support, and I'm thankful that you're in my life... I miss you...
"To be or not to be, that is the question." I guess this is an awfully famous quote that philosophers always use. Today marks the end of my first week in university, and truth be told, it's been quite tiring, to say the least. Though I did enjoy a couple of my university lectures, there were some that leave me worried, and a bit apprehensive about how well I'm going to do in uni.
I enjoyed my Philosophy, Sociology and English lectures, and though my China Film studies and math lecturers leave much to be desired, I think that I can do well if I put in effort and keep up with my readings, and my tutorials. It's time to be a different person... to be a hardworking mugger, and stop being involved in too many activities for my own good.
That being said.. a lot of people have sensed the change in my personality... where once I was the world's most sociable idiot, I've become a reserved chap whose sole purpose is to study hard and make it. And a lot of people have been even surprised at my change, but I realised that I kinda like being this way. Low profile, relatively unknown, and not being watched by everyone. It's nice to not have to shoulder the responsibility of answering to the demands of the social world, and to sit quietly and observe the world go by. Though I'm still the same spunky, crazy guy to my close friends, they too can sense my desire to become a deep, contemplative individual.
Of late, it seems everyone has been having a lot of personal problems to handle.. just want to say "Jiayou" to everyone, and there will be a brighter day. Hang in there, and if you have to, cry... I've learnt that tears are not a sign of weakness, but emotions... and it takes more courage to cry than to be strong. I believe that, i really do.
Rainie... thank you... for everything. You're still my inspiration, my pillar of support, and I'm thankful that you're in my life... I miss you...
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Dear Mandy,
"Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
No birth, identity, form - no object of the world,
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;...
The body, sluggish, aged, cold - the embers left from earlier fires,
... shall duly flame again;'
-Walt Whitman
Loss is something that we all have to deal with someday. But these words that Walt Whitman wrote in his book of poems entitled "Leaves of Grass" make me feel that loss is always a learning lesson for something. "Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost" is so so true. I guess sometimes, we always forget that even if physically, someone is gone away from us, departed the planet to another paradise, he or she always has a special place in our hearts. And in that safe haven of our hearts, he or she comes alive in our memories, is remembered in our words, and is renunciated in our actions.
Abt Rainie? I shall use poetry again:
"I ne'er was struck before that hour
With love so sudden and sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
And stole my heart away complete."
- Anonymous
- Anonymous
I don't really know who wrote that, so I'll just put anonymous. But it is quite sweet, the 4 little lines that describe the moment whereby you realise you're actually in love. It's a sweet, tender emotion. The first week of the 4 have just went by, but truth be told, it feels like an eternity since those 7 days went by, and there just seems to be 3 more to go.
I was watching 7th Heaven Season 2, and surprisingly 2/3 of the episodes I watched talked about loss in some way. Be it when Lucy's friend died in a car accident, or the announcement of the pending departure of Matt to an out-of-state university, some of the things that the Camden family said to each other, made me tear, for I was thinking about Rainie. But then again... what Wilson told Lucy stayed with me a bit... Here's how the conversation went:
Lucy: You said a member of the club?
Wilson: I meant the club that nobody wants to be in? The one where you lose someone you love and become an unwilling member. You're in it whether you want to be or not.
Lucy: I kind of thought that's what you meant. Because that's how I feel. Like I'm not like other people anymore. They want to help, they say they know. But they don't... not really.
Wilson: Look Lucy, I've been having a hard time lately. On prom night, I kinda realised that I like Mary, but I don't want to tell her.
Lucy: Why?
Wilson: Because I'm afraid of us getting too close. I'm afraid if I get close to her, she'll die.
Lucy: That's so weird. I feel the same way. Like everyone I know is 1 second away from leaving the planet... Me included. And you know, for the first time, I realise that I want to do something while I'm here. I mean, I must have been left for some reason. God must have some purpose for me to be living, if not, why was I not in that car?
Wilson: Right after my wife died, I felt the same way... why didn't I die? Why her? That was so unfair. I wanted to do something purposeful with my life. You can too, by being a great sister, a great daughter, and a good friend.
The rest of the story is kinda long, but the main gist of it all is that, when there was loss, they both felt the same urge to do something purposeful with their lives. Though the loss that they felt was a far greater loss - death, loss is essentially still pretty much the same. WHen you lose someone important to you, you lose a part of yourself, and that pretty much kills you. Some people may say that "It was meant to be", others just say things like "This really sucks!", but more often than not, people don't say out what they really feel, because they don't know if anybody else will understand exactly what it is they're going through. And that inwardly, they actually are glad to be alive, and yet, moving on is the hardest part of it all.
In another episode, there were 2 incidents that touched me greatly.This little girl, Sarah lives with her alcoholic father. THe Camdens helped restore the trailer's electricity, water and plumbing, and even furnished the trailer that it looked like home. However, it meant that his daughter had to stay with his mother or a foster home. The father, Joe, loves his daughter to bits, and vice versa. And he didn't want to give her up, but his condition would prompt social services and the police department to step in. And Joe was quite distraught, but Rev Camden said that if he really loved Sarah, he would do the right thing, as hard as it is. And Joe, for the love of his daughter, let Sarah go with his mother, so that he could be in a better shape to get over his alcoholism. And when he was sober, he would get Sarah back.
The Camden siblings then put together a thanksgiving for their parents, to thank them for having done such a good job raising them up, only to have Matt announce that he was going to an out-of-state university to study. Rev Camden then said that Matt had decided that he wanted to go away, and Annie said that though they'll miss him, but they want him to be happy, and so, it was time for him to leave the nest.
And yet, the most impactful statement that really really hit me came from Simon when he said "If you love someone, you have to let them go. And I love Sarah, and as hard as it is, it's best if she goes with her grandmother."
Someone once told me "If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. They may be happier in greener pastures." And these days, I believe that God has been leading me to slowly, but surely, be comfortable in trusting Him that He will make all things beautiful in His time. It's amazing how He works, and truth be told, I am learning how to trust Rainie more and more. Though I still know not how to show her that I trust her, and that I have done it the wrong way and using the wrong words, but I believe God's plan for us is beautiful.
At the end of this 1 month, whatever answer that Rainie gives, I will accept and respect her decision. But it won't ever change the fact that I'm still going to try my best to be her best friend, and I want to still be there for her in every aspect possible. So, that's the only promise that I can make. If I do get a 2nd chance, I will cherish and do my best to make it work with unconditional love and unconditional trust.
God bless all of you who read this article, for God has been so good to me, and I believe that He wants to bless all of us. I love Rainie, and I will let God take the wheel of my life, and let Him plan my journey for me. :)
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Dear Mandy,
To put it mildly.. I miss Rainie.
I made a stupid mistake of doubting her and not trusting her enough, and well, now, we're on this one month "back to best friends" thing before we eventually re-evaluate whether or not we will take that step forward to going steady. I really wish I could turn back time, and take back whatever I had said that night... because I really am finding it difficult to cope without her presence around.
These last 3 days have been frought with tears at most weird moments, that deep, aching in the heart, that solitude, the heart-wrenching feeling of loneliness... it's all kind of difficult to surmise in words just how painful the feeling actually is. Without Rainie around... everything just doesn't seem to be as nice...
I guess the old saying of "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone" can technically be used here. I haven't lost Rainie yet... and I intend to make the most of this 1 month to regain her trust in me... I believe that she still has feelings for me... I just have to make sure that they grow stronger in this month, and that I myself get over that insecurity that she's going to leave me.. because I know now, that when she committed herself to me, her heart only belongs to me. I was daft not to see that... and this time around... if she gives me a second chance, I really am going to trust her, and fully appreciate this chance.
I pray that God will give me a 2nd chance in this relationship as well... that the things I do will find favour with Rainie, and eventually bring us both back together.
Rainie... if you do come by here... I miss you. I miss everything about you... I love you. I really do.
To put it mildly.. I miss Rainie.
I made a stupid mistake of doubting her and not trusting her enough, and well, now, we're on this one month "back to best friends" thing before we eventually re-evaluate whether or not we will take that step forward to going steady. I really wish I could turn back time, and take back whatever I had said that night... because I really am finding it difficult to cope without her presence around.
These last 3 days have been frought with tears at most weird moments, that deep, aching in the heart, that solitude, the heart-wrenching feeling of loneliness... it's all kind of difficult to surmise in words just how painful the feeling actually is. Without Rainie around... everything just doesn't seem to be as nice...
I guess the old saying of "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone" can technically be used here. I haven't lost Rainie yet... and I intend to make the most of this 1 month to regain her trust in me... I believe that she still has feelings for me... I just have to make sure that they grow stronger in this month, and that I myself get over that insecurity that she's going to leave me.. because I know now, that when she committed herself to me, her heart only belongs to me. I was daft not to see that... and this time around... if she gives me a second chance, I really am going to trust her, and fully appreciate this chance.
I pray that God will give me a 2nd chance in this relationship as well... that the things I do will find favour with Rainie, and eventually bring us both back together.
Rainie... if you do come by here... I miss you. I miss everything about you... I love you. I really do.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Ecclesiastes 3:10-11
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Where life suddenly became a very emotional journey for myself, I'm brought once again back to the foot of the cross. What do I mean? Well... let's see..
To say that after working so much in society, I've become rather jaded with all the hidden facets of working life that people always never say about. The politics, the ironies, the system that threatens to destroy the passion that people joined the particular profession for. Ultimately the fact that we are all just human never fails to sink into this particular part of reality. How oft it has been that the innocent, naive outlook on the world just seems to sink back into a deep, bottomless pit that leaves us groping in amazement at the wonder of how dark the world really is.
Sure... we find along the way moments of joy, and moments that serve to let us remember the passion that we joined our profession for. And yet... I'm beginning to realise that it's difficult for passion to sustain when there're so many factors that threaten to stifle that passion, and put an end to creativity and innovation. In a sense, Pastor was right when he said today in SOL that Singaporean minds have been programmed to always strive to be the best. It isn't until we all get much older that we realise our childhood could have been really sad. Sure, we're thankful that we managed to get such a good education, and even because of it, we're where we are, but it's rather sad when we see that grades are all that matters, and see a gradual loss of mannerisms and charisma that once was predominant in students. And in a sense, this competitive edge that was instilled in us can be what leads us to backstab each other in an attempt to make it, once again, to the top of our respective fields. It becomes a devious, entangled web of deceit and war, which, in all honesty, irks me. Whoever said war had to be fought by the armies when our personal wars are enough?
And then, there're the standards of society that we have to relate to, and the conformities that silently dictate the way we work. It does get draining, but then, things took a twist.
Of the last 2 weeks, the book of Daniel kept being raised up. Both in SOL, in service and even by Rainie. It's been quite amazing, and well, I stopped to think about what God was trying to tell me. And it hit me all at once, when Rev Melvyn was praying for Pastor Eugene today. There's going to be a lot of challenges that are going to rise up, and I need to be courageous, having a pure heart, and the ability to move amongst kings to get through these challenges.
Today during service, they were singing 'Beautiful saviour', and well, I cried. I really didn't want to... but God seemed to convict me, and I fell to my knees and prayed. Praise God, for Joel then knelt beside me, and prayed for me. God seemed to send him Ecclesiastes 3:10-11 to say to me, and Joel told me 3 times before he ended the prayer that God loves me. And I really believed it, and I knew, that yes, God is moving powerfully amongst us.
Today's message was on Abraham, and as I listened, I realised that the 2nd and 3rd point that Rev Melvyn was talking about spoke a lot to me. Walking in step even though we don't understand, and worshipping in sacrifice even when we cannot afford it. The essence of it all was, very simply, until we have obeyed, we will not understand, faith comes from the word of God, and to beieve in God for the impossible and to give back to God the greatest blessings that He has given us.
I responded to altar call... I realised that I needed direction, and well, I just basked in the Lord's presence and His love washed over me. I knew then and there, that God will provide a way out for me, but it's only whether I trust him. I told Joel what happened later, and He told me that God is speaking very powerfully to me, and that I should learn to trust God and His plans for us in all that we do. In God's time, He would make all things beautiful...
Without a doubt, I really thank Rainie for having been there for me. For listening to me tell her the details of what happened in camp, and for being my confidante in times of desolation. I really am thankful to her for having been there for me, and I pray that God will continue to watch over our relationship, and that He would send His angels to protect us. I guess right now, we all just need God...
Praise God for His unconditional love, and all of His blessings!
Ecclesiastes 3:10-11
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Where life suddenly became a very emotional journey for myself, I'm brought once again back to the foot of the cross. What do I mean? Well... let's see..
To say that after working so much in society, I've become rather jaded with all the hidden facets of working life that people always never say about. The politics, the ironies, the system that threatens to destroy the passion that people joined the particular profession for. Ultimately the fact that we are all just human never fails to sink into this particular part of reality. How oft it has been that the innocent, naive outlook on the world just seems to sink back into a deep, bottomless pit that leaves us groping in amazement at the wonder of how dark the world really is.
Sure... we find along the way moments of joy, and moments that serve to let us remember the passion that we joined our profession for. And yet... I'm beginning to realise that it's difficult for passion to sustain when there're so many factors that threaten to stifle that passion, and put an end to creativity and innovation. In a sense, Pastor was right when he said today in SOL that Singaporean minds have been programmed to always strive to be the best. It isn't until we all get much older that we realise our childhood could have been really sad. Sure, we're thankful that we managed to get such a good education, and even because of it, we're where we are, but it's rather sad when we see that grades are all that matters, and see a gradual loss of mannerisms and charisma that once was predominant in students. And in a sense, this competitive edge that was instilled in us can be what leads us to backstab each other in an attempt to make it, once again, to the top of our respective fields. It becomes a devious, entangled web of deceit and war, which, in all honesty, irks me. Whoever said war had to be fought by the armies when our personal wars are enough?
And then, there're the standards of society that we have to relate to, and the conformities that silently dictate the way we work. It does get draining, but then, things took a twist.
Of the last 2 weeks, the book of Daniel kept being raised up. Both in SOL, in service and even by Rainie. It's been quite amazing, and well, I stopped to think about what God was trying to tell me. And it hit me all at once, when Rev Melvyn was praying for Pastor Eugene today. There's going to be a lot of challenges that are going to rise up, and I need to be courageous, having a pure heart, and the ability to move amongst kings to get through these challenges.
Today during service, they were singing 'Beautiful saviour', and well, I cried. I really didn't want to... but God seemed to convict me, and I fell to my knees and prayed. Praise God, for Joel then knelt beside me, and prayed for me. God seemed to send him Ecclesiastes 3:10-11 to say to me, and Joel told me 3 times before he ended the prayer that God loves me. And I really believed it, and I knew, that yes, God is moving powerfully amongst us.
Today's message was on Abraham, and as I listened, I realised that the 2nd and 3rd point that Rev Melvyn was talking about spoke a lot to me. Walking in step even though we don't understand, and worshipping in sacrifice even when we cannot afford it. The essence of it all was, very simply, until we have obeyed, we will not understand, faith comes from the word of God, and to beieve in God for the impossible and to give back to God the greatest blessings that He has given us.
I responded to altar call... I realised that I needed direction, and well, I just basked in the Lord's presence and His love washed over me. I knew then and there, that God will provide a way out for me, but it's only whether I trust him. I told Joel what happened later, and He told me that God is speaking very powerfully to me, and that I should learn to trust God and His plans for us in all that we do. In God's time, He would make all things beautiful...
Without a doubt, I really thank Rainie for having been there for me. For listening to me tell her the details of what happened in camp, and for being my confidante in times of desolation. I really am thankful to her for having been there for me, and I pray that God will continue to watch over our relationship, and that He would send His angels to protect us. I guess right now, we all just need God...
Praise God for His unconditional love, and all of His blessings!
Monday, July 09, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Well, it's been a while, and where normally I'd blog about my camps, somehow, I feel compelled to blog about something else.
These few days have really been quite draining... emotionally, physically and mentally.. I guess that to run around from place to place after camp really doesn't help in making you feel any more rested...
I think back about my Secondary School, JC and army days, and suddenly realise that I miss those days, all of a sudden. When you become an adult, you suddenly realise that you're pretty much on your own... you have to fend for yourself, increased responsibility, and more often than not, you find yourself in a huge, lonely world of your own, and you miss the days of being in a bunk, or being in school, working with a bunch of dynamic individuals who you had made such a strong bond with.
Be it VSPB, Council or my army buddies, the main fact remains that when you felt troubled, you knew that you could just walk into any of their rooms, or turn to any of them during school, and you know that they're there for you. And we can also end up sharing our fears and our worries together... that's what I guess I was missing. Now, working as a camp instructor, I found back a bit of that open option when we all finally find time after lights out or during wash-up that we sit and try to bond. But the sad fact is, very rarely is it anything more than just friends... there's not much sharing of your inner fears, and more commonly, there sometimes isn't anything more than just working together to get things done.
But I'm quite glad that God blessed me with a wonderful tribe, who's quite supportive of things. But more importantly, I'm very thankful that God blessed me with Rainie, Jacob and ZhiYuan. Jacob and ZhiYuan have been the most influential pillars of support and advice, and have been there for me when I needed guidance in certain things.
But Rainie has been everything to me. She's been my confidante, my secret keeper. The one that I turn to when the sun doesn't seem to shine, and the one that never gives up on me. I share the most with her these days... and I feel that it's not going to be the end. For someone so young, she displays a maturity that belies her age, and that honestly makes me very glad that I have someone like her. Praise God for His blessings and His miracles.... because He gave me one in Rainie...
Well, it's been a while, and where normally I'd blog about my camps, somehow, I feel compelled to blog about something else.
These few days have really been quite draining... emotionally, physically and mentally.. I guess that to run around from place to place after camp really doesn't help in making you feel any more rested...
I think back about my Secondary School, JC and army days, and suddenly realise that I miss those days, all of a sudden. When you become an adult, you suddenly realise that you're pretty much on your own... you have to fend for yourself, increased responsibility, and more often than not, you find yourself in a huge, lonely world of your own, and you miss the days of being in a bunk, or being in school, working with a bunch of dynamic individuals who you had made such a strong bond with.
Be it VSPB, Council or my army buddies, the main fact remains that when you felt troubled, you knew that you could just walk into any of their rooms, or turn to any of them during school, and you know that they're there for you. And we can also end up sharing our fears and our worries together... that's what I guess I was missing. Now, working as a camp instructor, I found back a bit of that open option when we all finally find time after lights out or during wash-up that we sit and try to bond. But the sad fact is, very rarely is it anything more than just friends... there's not much sharing of your inner fears, and more commonly, there sometimes isn't anything more than just working together to get things done.
But I'm quite glad that God blessed me with a wonderful tribe, who's quite supportive of things. But more importantly, I'm very thankful that God blessed me with Rainie, Jacob and ZhiYuan. Jacob and ZhiYuan have been the most influential pillars of support and advice, and have been there for me when I needed guidance in certain things.
But Rainie has been everything to me. She's been my confidante, my secret keeper. The one that I turn to when the sun doesn't seem to shine, and the one that never gives up on me. I share the most with her these days... and I feel that it's not going to be the end. For someone so young, she displays a maturity that belies her age, and that honestly makes me very glad that I have someone like her. Praise God for His blessings and His miracles.... because He gave me one in Rainie...
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Dear Mandy...
Well, if I thought Secondary School camps were tiring, I guess that's because I hadn't met Primary School camps... The last 3D2N spent with Hougang Primary for their Primary 5 outdoor adventure camp really gave me a reality check when I realised just how much more patience, energy and resilience was needed.
Not saying that they were a bad bunch of kids, but it was pretty obvious to me that some of the students were pampered, and quite difficult to talk sense to. They stood so firmly by their own decisions that honestly speaking, I felt that explaining things or even telling them things seemed to fall on deaf ears, if the explanations didn't fit what they wanted to hear. I got pretty exasperated at times, and truth be told, I wasn't the only one either.
I was assigned Group 2, which happened to be the best class of the Pri 5s, I think.. and well, we all had our own little problems with each individual group. I wonder if I had handled my group well, actually... I had a guy who had problems differentiating if he was more female or male... a guy who was super stubborn, another guy who always wanted things to go his way, another guy who was quick to put the blame on people... and a whole lot more... that trust me, I'd rather forget than remember.
My best camper for the group was Claudia, who had the most initiative in the group, and was pretty helpful. Truth be told, I sincerely couldn't find a person that really stood out... though for previous camps I could easily point out 2 or 3 individuals who had been outstanding, but for this group, I had to go with who had shown more initiative and benefited the group. In this case, it had to be Claudia... of course, I enjoyed making fun of Marilyn, the group's "Meh Meh", and was pretty impressed by Sharlene and Alison's calm, composed manner when it came to clearing the abseil station. Of the guys... Ye Heng was pretty nice, and Joshua really knew what he was doing when it came to things. That's about all there is to it.
As June comes to a close, I'm quite looking forward to July... where there'll be lesser camps, and more funny things... OVA Meeting, the holiday to China... and hopefully a break as well.. I can't even get a firm foothold on the events that I have on hand to do, and as I look at it, I seriously feel like I have to plan my time really well. It's all such a huge transition for me... and I do feel apprehensive... 21 years of age, and still not sure of the world and my place in it... and the coming of important, life changing decisions that could possibly shape my path. That's what's scary...
I'm just glad that God is with me... and also glad that He sent Rainie to be a part of my life. I really love the times that we both pray together, because it makes me feel like there's 3 people praying... Rainie, me and God... His presence always seems to be near us when we pray together, and it makes me feel really really blessed. :)
Well, if I thought Secondary School camps were tiring, I guess that's because I hadn't met Primary School camps... The last 3D2N spent with Hougang Primary for their Primary 5 outdoor adventure camp really gave me a reality check when I realised just how much more patience, energy and resilience was needed.
Not saying that they were a bad bunch of kids, but it was pretty obvious to me that some of the students were pampered, and quite difficult to talk sense to. They stood so firmly by their own decisions that honestly speaking, I felt that explaining things or even telling them things seemed to fall on deaf ears, if the explanations didn't fit what they wanted to hear. I got pretty exasperated at times, and truth be told, I wasn't the only one either.
I was assigned Group 2, which happened to be the best class of the Pri 5s, I think.. and well, we all had our own little problems with each individual group. I wonder if I had handled my group well, actually... I had a guy who had problems differentiating if he was more female or male... a guy who was super stubborn, another guy who always wanted things to go his way, another guy who was quick to put the blame on people... and a whole lot more... that trust me, I'd rather forget than remember.
My best camper for the group was Claudia, who had the most initiative in the group, and was pretty helpful. Truth be told, I sincerely couldn't find a person that really stood out... though for previous camps I could easily point out 2 or 3 individuals who had been outstanding, but for this group, I had to go with who had shown more initiative and benefited the group. In this case, it had to be Claudia... of course, I enjoyed making fun of Marilyn, the group's "Meh Meh", and was pretty impressed by Sharlene and Alison's calm, composed manner when it came to clearing the abseil station. Of the guys... Ye Heng was pretty nice, and Joshua really knew what he was doing when it came to things. That's about all there is to it.
As June comes to a close, I'm quite looking forward to July... where there'll be lesser camps, and more funny things... OVA Meeting, the holiday to China... and hopefully a break as well.. I can't even get a firm foothold on the events that I have on hand to do, and as I look at it, I seriously feel like I have to plan my time really well. It's all such a huge transition for me... and I do feel apprehensive... 21 years of age, and still not sure of the world and my place in it... and the coming of important, life changing decisions that could possibly shape my path. That's what's scary...
I'm just glad that God is with me... and also glad that He sent Rainie to be a part of my life. I really love the times that we both pray together, because it makes me feel like there's 3 people praying... Rainie, me and God... His presence always seems to be near us when we pray together, and it makes me feel really really blessed. :)
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Dear Mandy,
And 2 camps with 1.5 days of rest in between is seriously no joke. I now have a very sore throat and a voice that has become very very deep. But I really enjoyed myself...
I took Jurong West Secondary School for my first ever Jalan Bahtera camp from 14 to 16 June, and I was assigned Grp 3, which consisted of half the class of 2E2 2007. I was a bit apprehensive when the whole thing began, being perfectly honest. I mean, I haven't been at Jalan Bahtera since I was in Sec 4, and man... I was quite worried.
THe time spent at JWSS in the morning was pretty fun. It was my first experience with CAMP HA, and seeing how the Major Groups challenged each other with their cheers and everything. My group had 9 girls and 5 guys, including a sec 3 hockey player. My partner was Norvin, and he took the other half of 2E2. And we had a moment of momentary laughter when we tried to learn their school song. It was hilarious to see us learning, even if I do say so myself.
I guess what was the most impacting for myself for my 2E2 DareAngels during the camp was simply that I gave them a lot of nicknames, and my group was awfully close. JoAan became JoAan-nified, YuanNing became Ah Yuan, JiaXin became XiaoXin, Michelle became Mich, Jing Qi became QiQi, and lastly, Charlene had the most! Charmander, Char-manified, Elephant Cat Mouse and CHar. Hahahaha... she almost pengz. Hahah... I guess that for 2E2, their campfire item was very adventurous. It was something different, and especially in the case of JoAan, I hope I managed to nurture and encourage a budding and promising young leader.
As camp ended for JWSS, I reflected myself and spent some quiet time with God, and I prayed for each of those DareAngels. Yes, indeed they have dared to challenge themselves, and they have even gone one step further in thinking out of the box, and making the best out of what they have. I was awfully awfully proud of those Sec 2 angels.
Hougang Secondary School had their camp from 18 to 20 June 2007, and they were a different lot to begin with. THe groups were randomly formed with people from all the classes, and they were Sec 3s and 4s. In general, the Hougeans, as they are called, were more mature, and it took a lot more than just being plain childish and rah-rah to get their engines cranked up. Along the way to JBAC, I had to think in the short time span that I had, how I was going to motivate them to break out of their shells.
Well, in all honesty, as time passed by, they slowly broke out of their shells, and by the end of night activity, I found out that my Group 5 Accomplished were not people who responded well to rah-rah, but instead, were individuals seeking insight and reason. I stand corrected, but I feel that my Group 5 (G5) are good kids; they just wished that they were spoken to like adults, and explained to about why certain things were done. And it really inspired me to understand that I am always going to be involved in teaching.
That being said, I started to realise that each and every one of my G5 had a different approach to things, and I started to take my time to try and break through to each of them. The most prominent thing about G5 has to be their maturity and the calmness that they adopt to doing things. I could hardly rush them unless it was really urgent. And well, the unique individuals. They were really a mixed bunch of personalities... the extremely quiet, the enthusiastic, the jokers, and others far between. And I guess for them, it was harder to gel as a unit, as as team. So imagine how proud I felt of them when they all worked together to make things happen as the camp wore on. They continually got closer, and closer.
2 people I was very impressed and proud of had to be Jazreel and Shiny. Jazreel had to be constantly motivated and encouraged to go up and clear the horizontal trapeze. She climbed up halfway then came down... went up again, then crossed to the first line, then backtracked. It took her close to 15 minutes before she attempte to cross the trapeze...and even then, she took quite some time... normally, I'd be a bit edgy, but with Jazreel, God somehow told me that I needed to be patient, and Praise God for His grace as I continued to encourage her non-stop. Jaz lost her footing and slipped in her attempt to reach the 5th rope, but her efforts impressed everyone who were there. For Shiny, it was his daring attempts to overcome his fear of heights to clear the challenge pole. He slipped on his first attempt, and fell head first, and became the joke of the group, but on his 2nd attempt, despite his fear, he cleared it.
As the campfire came, and went, I was very very proud of my G5. They gelled, they were united, they proved their teachers wrong. And as we headed back to school, I spent some quiet time again with God, and prayed for the members of G5. God told me that compared to the first day that they came for camp till the end of camp, they have improved significantly, and they have been an impressive, and promising batch of young adults.
Next camp will be next week, and I return to a Primary School for the camp. Praise God for His shower of blessings!
I haven't been able to spend much time with Rainie these few days, and truth be told, I have missed her... We still managed to sms and chat to each other occasionally, but I miss being able to share things with her face to face. I guess nothing beats talking to someone in person because then, u'd be able to see the true emotions that person is showing. It's more endearing. :)
Well, onwards to the next challenge!
And 2 camps with 1.5 days of rest in between is seriously no joke. I now have a very sore throat and a voice that has become very very deep. But I really enjoyed myself...
I took Jurong West Secondary School for my first ever Jalan Bahtera camp from 14 to 16 June, and I was assigned Grp 3, which consisted of half the class of 2E2 2007. I was a bit apprehensive when the whole thing began, being perfectly honest. I mean, I haven't been at Jalan Bahtera since I was in Sec 4, and man... I was quite worried.
THe time spent at JWSS in the morning was pretty fun. It was my first experience with CAMP HA, and seeing how the Major Groups challenged each other with their cheers and everything. My group had 9 girls and 5 guys, including a sec 3 hockey player. My partner was Norvin, and he took the other half of 2E2. And we had a moment of momentary laughter when we tried to learn their school song. It was hilarious to see us learning, even if I do say so myself.
I guess what was the most impacting for myself for my 2E2 DareAngels during the camp was simply that I gave them a lot of nicknames, and my group was awfully close. JoAan became JoAan-nified, YuanNing became Ah Yuan, JiaXin became XiaoXin, Michelle became Mich, Jing Qi became QiQi, and lastly, Charlene had the most! Charmander, Char-manified, Elephant Cat Mouse and CHar. Hahahaha... she almost pengz. Hahah... I guess that for 2E2, their campfire item was very adventurous. It was something different, and especially in the case of JoAan, I hope I managed to nurture and encourage a budding and promising young leader.
As camp ended for JWSS, I reflected myself and spent some quiet time with God, and I prayed for each of those DareAngels. Yes, indeed they have dared to challenge themselves, and they have even gone one step further in thinking out of the box, and making the best out of what they have. I was awfully awfully proud of those Sec 2 angels.
Hougang Secondary School had their camp from 18 to 20 June 2007, and they were a different lot to begin with. THe groups were randomly formed with people from all the classes, and they were Sec 3s and 4s. In general, the Hougeans, as they are called, were more mature, and it took a lot more than just being plain childish and rah-rah to get their engines cranked up. Along the way to JBAC, I had to think in the short time span that I had, how I was going to motivate them to break out of their shells.
Well, in all honesty, as time passed by, they slowly broke out of their shells, and by the end of night activity, I found out that my Group 5 Accomplished were not people who responded well to rah-rah, but instead, were individuals seeking insight and reason. I stand corrected, but I feel that my Group 5 (G5) are good kids; they just wished that they were spoken to like adults, and explained to about why certain things were done. And it really inspired me to understand that I am always going to be involved in teaching.
That being said, I started to realise that each and every one of my G5 had a different approach to things, and I started to take my time to try and break through to each of them. The most prominent thing about G5 has to be their maturity and the calmness that they adopt to doing things. I could hardly rush them unless it was really urgent. And well, the unique individuals. They were really a mixed bunch of personalities... the extremely quiet, the enthusiastic, the jokers, and others far between. And I guess for them, it was harder to gel as a unit, as as team. So imagine how proud I felt of them when they all worked together to make things happen as the camp wore on. They continually got closer, and closer.
2 people I was very impressed and proud of had to be Jazreel and Shiny. Jazreel had to be constantly motivated and encouraged to go up and clear the horizontal trapeze. She climbed up halfway then came down... went up again, then crossed to the first line, then backtracked. It took her close to 15 minutes before she attempte to cross the trapeze...and even then, she took quite some time... normally, I'd be a bit edgy, but with Jazreel, God somehow told me that I needed to be patient, and Praise God for His grace as I continued to encourage her non-stop. Jaz lost her footing and slipped in her attempt to reach the 5th rope, but her efforts impressed everyone who were there. For Shiny, it was his daring attempts to overcome his fear of heights to clear the challenge pole. He slipped on his first attempt, and fell head first, and became the joke of the group, but on his 2nd attempt, despite his fear, he cleared it.
As the campfire came, and went, I was very very proud of my G5. They gelled, they were united, they proved their teachers wrong. And as we headed back to school, I spent some quiet time again with God, and prayed for the members of G5. God told me that compared to the first day that they came for camp till the end of camp, they have improved significantly, and they have been an impressive, and promising batch of young adults.
Next camp will be next week, and I return to a Primary School for the camp. Praise God for His shower of blessings!
I haven't been able to spend much time with Rainie these few days, and truth be told, I have missed her... We still managed to sms and chat to each other occasionally, but I miss being able to share things with her face to face. I guess nothing beats talking to someone in person because then, u'd be able to see the true emotions that person is showing. It's more endearing. :)
Well, onwards to the next challenge!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Dear Mandy...
I was just thinking back about a couple of things, and a lot of random thoughts just flowed into my head... and well, some of them came from my own quiet time with God yesterday, and others with recent events.
I guess a lot of times, we ourselves find that we are unable to really understand the things that God has written for us... and many a time, we are crying out to God, asking Him, why? More oft than not, we only find out that it is God's best plan for us, or it is a test of faith in Him, or a challenge that we have to overcome in order to proceed on to the next better plan God has for us.
Once again, someone I hold very dear to me cancelled an outing... it's the 2nd one in as many weeks as well. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed or upset, but when I see people who have not even seen their other halves or best friends for 6 months, or hardly even contacted them for a year, and yet, their relationships still remain very much strong, I am encouraged. And I understand that it's just God's way of testing our relationships, and also, how strong we are in Him. For, as in what Joel told us during our Cell on Boy Meets Girl, if two people in a friendship or relationship have a very strong covenant with God, then they won't ever be too far apart from each other, because they find their strength, and their solace in God.
Yesterday, as I was doing my quiet time with God, I was reading Romans Chapter 12, and I came across these verses:
Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere."
Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Romans 12:14-16 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited."
And well, I kinda just felt very much at ease with the world in general. God has been so great, and He has really blessed me abundantly. He blessed me with Rainie, He has been protecting me, and He has led me through a path that has been uniquely designed for me by Him... I'm running my own race, even as I speak, and for that, I am very thankful. I'm not running another person's race... I'm running mine.
And at the end of it all, I'm brought back to the Bible verse that Rainie and I both love:
1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
And I tell myself, that love is by and large the greatest emotion, and the most unconditional concern we can give anybody... :) That is my inspiration for now.
I was just thinking back about a couple of things, and a lot of random thoughts just flowed into my head... and well, some of them came from my own quiet time with God yesterday, and others with recent events.
I guess a lot of times, we ourselves find that we are unable to really understand the things that God has written for us... and many a time, we are crying out to God, asking Him, why? More oft than not, we only find out that it is God's best plan for us, or it is a test of faith in Him, or a challenge that we have to overcome in order to proceed on to the next better plan God has for us.
Once again, someone I hold very dear to me cancelled an outing... it's the 2nd one in as many weeks as well. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed or upset, but when I see people who have not even seen their other halves or best friends for 6 months, or hardly even contacted them for a year, and yet, their relationships still remain very much strong, I am encouraged. And I understand that it's just God's way of testing our relationships, and also, how strong we are in Him. For, as in what Joel told us during our Cell on Boy Meets Girl, if two people in a friendship or relationship have a very strong covenant with God, then they won't ever be too far apart from each other, because they find their strength, and their solace in God.
Yesterday, as I was doing my quiet time with God, I was reading Romans Chapter 12, and I came across these verses:
Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere."
Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Romans 12:14-16 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited."
And well, I kinda just felt very much at ease with the world in general. God has been so great, and He has really blessed me abundantly. He blessed me with Rainie, He has been protecting me, and He has led me through a path that has been uniquely designed for me by Him... I'm running my own race, even as I speak, and for that, I am very thankful. I'm not running another person's race... I'm running mine.
And at the end of it all, I'm brought back to the Bible verse that Rainie and I both love:
1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
And I tell myself, that love is by and large the greatest emotion, and the most unconditional concern we can give anybody... :) That is my inspiration for now.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Dear Mandy...
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear...
Our presence automatically liberates others."
The essence of this scene only serves to let me know just how much when we shine forth God's light, how we, in turn, give others the opportunity and the liberty to shine forth God's light and be the best that they can be for Jesus, for their loved ones... and for themselves.
How often is it, that we are all consumed by our own fears... and like the "Leap of faith", how afraid we are of stepping out into nothingness. Or how, sometimes, we are just afraid to trust. And when we are afraid of our own power... when we are afraid that we ourselves will get consumed by our own pride, our egos, our... human self esteem or inferiority complexes that will in turn eat at us each and every day... robbing us of our right to shine.
CHildren shine... they really do. Their innocence and naivity makes them the perfect examples for those of us who have lost ourselves in the hectic rush of everyday work. We become... robots where we only remember of our own work.. and neglect that we do need a little light, love, care and concern from those around us. But each step we take to let more of that other someone in, is a stepping stone to emitting our own light in our own worlds.
The question is... are we willing to? Or are we too scared to step forth and shine?
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