Heyz Mandy....

I'm seriously tired out... life is taking it's toll on me, and well..... it doesn't help that at the class chalet, I only spend the nights with my class... I enjoyed myself throughly at night.... the chat sessions, the bowling, the late night snack shopping, the movies... and most importantly, the company. I really got to know Pris, I-Lynn, Sanjee, Mojo, Leo, Jerry and ManHon a lot better, but what really was memorable for me... was the fact that I actually let go of some of the stress and actually felt relaxed for once... thanks to my beloved 03S13... u guys rock!

Okay.... she's still always there for me! That's really heartwarming to know... :P... I know, it's kinda dumb, but well, she may only want to be friends, but I really like her still... I dunno... just hope that things work out in the end...

Okie... me wanna write a story.

The void deck seemed to have an eerie glow in the dim moonlight. He sighed and slumped deeper down. The walls around him seemed to resemble a prison, closing in on him, shutting him away from the troubles of the world. Surprisingly, he welcomed the feeling of loneliness, reveling in the fact that he would be alone, away from the tribulations he had been going through.

His body was battered and bruised, and he could taste blood on his lips. He was always getting himself into such fixes, not knowing how difficult the situation was until he was in too deep... until he was unable to extricate himself. And sometimes, he wondered why he even bothered. His friends all seemed to be loyal, but at the last possible minute, chickened out. He scoffed at their cowardice, at their lack of courage, but he knew deep inside, he was scoffing at his stupidity.

He tried to hold back what was coming, but it was inevitable. One drop, then another, and soon, a flood of tears came. Because of his stupidity, he had lost his true friends to a world of gangsterism... his loved ones had tried time and time again to dissuade him, to turn him back to the right path, but he had turned a deaf ear on them. Now, he knew he was wrong... and he could only wonder if it was too late.

Suddenly, a gentle voice came to him. He turned to look into a pair of deep, caring brown eyes. She had came... but he did not deserve her. She knelt down beside him, and he could not tear himself away from her eyes. Without saying a word, she wrapped her arms around him and placed his head onto her shoulder. An indescribable feeling engulfed him... he felt at home. It had been so long since he had last felt that way. The warm feeling seemed to wash away all the hurt and the pain he had acquired and he had been feeling.

"You're always welcome home, son." she murmured.

As the sun slowly began to rise, so did he put away his past and move on, a new beginning with the sunrise.

Heyz Mandy...

She said she only wants to be normal friends...I ought to be happy with it right? Wrong. I dunno...as in... I don't know if I will stop liking her or what, but it just feels... I don't know... really really weird.It's just a feeling... like...I never really did anything much... but somehow or rather... things just got really out of hand... a lot of people started knowing,and well... you can probably fill in the blanks. Saw her today... and we crossed eyes once... but that was it. I didn't say hi to her or whatever, just said what I had to Jo and left. I don't really know how to react around her anymore Mandy... I still like her... I really do... What am I to do, Mandy? I guess I can only clear up this big mess that has happened... and just revert back to just her friend... but I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything more than what a friend should...

She's really a sweet and nice girl...I should be happy that she even accepts me as her friend, to be honest... for someone as lousy and lowdown as me. I shall not be unhappy... but I couldn't sleep last night...I kept thinking about her and what she said...and only caught like 3 hours worth of shuteye... Wenting, Hwee, Pat and Jo know about this now... but no matter how I smile or how I try,I just don't feel the same. Sure,I laughed at Amir's jokes, but my smiles... my actions...they just don't mean anything at all... they're just smiling for the sake of smiling,laughing for the sake of laughing. And this morning.... it really hurt so darn much.... I just can't believe that all this happened, to be honest. So this is what they call denial.

I guess....in the end, as long as she's happy, in the end, I will too...

Heyz Mandy...

I'm in this really bad situation now... and I know that everyone would tell me not to feel this way, but I hate myself. I wish I didn't care for anyone, and I wish that I wouldn't be affected by everyone's words or actions... though no doubt there are people who have never made me feel this way before, but I don't know... I don't feel right at home, I don't feel right in school, I don't feel right anywhere... suddenly I feel like being all alone isn't such a bad idea after all... I know that I've always been dependent on really close friends, because I used to believe that as long as I have friends, the world is a brighter place... as long as there's love, my life is complete. I was wrong.

Even though you have friends, when people who are closer to you actually say things that hurt you straight to the heart, does having friends actually make the World a brighter place? When there's love, but there's insecurity and there's uneasiness whereever you go, is your life complete? I'm so muddled by all these truths, all these harsh facts of reality... I so want out Mandy... I really do... why is everything this way? Why is everything I believed in disintegrating into thin air? Everything is so ambiguous Mandy... I know so much yet so little... I feel so much yet so meagre... How am I supposed to react? Yeah, be less sensitive, be less emotional... somebody will tell me that. Maybe they're right... I should change myself... I should. But how? And why? Just because I'm no longer who I am? Or am I? I'm so confused...

My beliefs, once so strong... and now so weak... they seemed so true Mandy, so so true... but why are they not so now? Why does it seem as though these two years are going to be nothing but tiredness, constant relentless studying and a loss of personal identity to being one of which you are just nothing but a person born and bred for studying? In a society where studying is the only way of survival, is that the reason why? But... why? I don;'t want to lose who I am, but what i believed in are now all so untrue...everything has been a lie, has it not? Jessamyn just told me that she hates JC cause people are so fake... and there's this horrible suspicion that it is true where I am now too.... not everyone, no, definitely not... but some people... and it's not just one... it's so many... so so many....

Sometimes I find myself fighting so hard to cling on to things I believed in... it's so sapping, so draining... and even though there's always someone who has never made me feel bad before... somehow or rather.... I miss the cohesive balances I used to have... I love 20th, I luv 03S13, and I definitely love the friends I've come to know... but I just see a lot of things I've never wanted to see in my life... and how... how I can only slowly tire out... and just.. I dunno... see myself slowly fading away?

Thanks Jessamyn... I feel much better now... I ought to see pple as being evil huh? :)

Heyz Mandy...
Doing PW now but thought I'd just come over and blog for a while... for the past few days, my life has been anything but interesting, taken up mostly by PW and MT studying... but of course, there were some really really memorable moments with her, but oh well... i'll go into each part one by one k Mandy? :)

Firstly, A Level Chinese exam... after all that extra chinese lessons and all that studying for Chinese, I hope it paid off... the paper had a very interesting comprehension passage... it was talking about the movie "Fly me to Polaris" in which Richie Ren and Ceceilia Cheung acted in... it was such a sweet sweet story... haha... shall I tell you about the movie Mandy? I think I should... :) "Fly me to Polaris" starts in a hospital for the disabled. This guy is blind actually, so he can't see... but he's got certain characteristics, like always drinking lemon tea with a lot of salt. After that... oh well...there was this nurse who always takes care of him. He fell for her... yeahz, and he only wrote it in his diary. This nurse treated him very well, cutting his hair for him, cutting his nails for him and just chatting and joking with him. Then, one day, he got involved in a car accident and died. Miraculously, he got a chance to come back for 3 days, but the conditions were that the people would not recognise him anymore. When he went back, he found out that the nurse was actually in love with him too... she was so upset that she had lost her personal confidante and closest friend... but no matter how he tried, he could not let her know who he was, for he was restricted by some unseen force... but in the end, she found out... but on his last day on the Earth. They spent their last hour together, she lying in his arms and holding him tightly, and he wishing that he could have more time with her. But all too soon, his time came and he left her with a series of shooting stars. It's a really romantic story, and one that you'll like even more if you had watched it... I would love to tell you the small details, but if I do... I doubt one day is enough for me to complete the story... :)

Then, pw. I'm really tired out... been sleeping at midnight or later for the past 4 days, and I still have dance choreography to do, because we have to show Mr. Teo the dance by 14th Nov, that's in like, 4 days!? Goodness... and we're one quarter through the dance... stress... and then tmr is oral presentation already... I'm so tired Mandy... but I'll hold on... for her... :)

And her... I had lunch with her, and the whole incident was really sweet Mandy... I'm thinking of asking her out someday... but well, wait and see yeahz? Haha... Hui Yi says I'm sweet when I told her what I intend to do... oh well... first, must see if i can even get the correct conditions and reageants... and, all this could be one-sided only... just have to wait and see...

OKay, better get back to pw... take care Mandy. LUV YA!

Heyz Mandy...
I guess there's no denying that I've fallen for her too deep... but I don't dare to talk to her... She's really a wonderful girl Mandy... someone sweet and nice and caring, and everything good... haiz... but I dunno... she's a swan and I'm a duck... kinda incompatible rite? *sighzy*

This period of time has been anything but fun. A Lev mt and pw is taking it's toll on me, and I'm getting sick of pw totally... haiz... hang on in there... it'll only be 3 more days. :s

Heyz Mandy...

Okayz, I don't know what is wrong with me... but I somehow feel that maybe I better stop caring for people. I don't want to fall for anyone anymore... it hurts too much, too often, too drastic a result. And to be honest... I never expected that I'd feel this way. I don't know... I really don't...

I'm a deluded and disillusioned person, according to her... okayz, maybe... haiz... whatever... I suddenly like the ballads I'm listening to... of course, since they're korean and japanese, I don't think I can write what the words are... but anyway, let's just say they reflect me? Sad, lonely, lost, dejected, and well, more or less off about myself.

To my mei, Hui Yi... glad that you're over your PMS-ing period, really glad for you. And, well, I didn't really do much... you got over the period yourself, so be proud of urself, cause you're really strong. All the best with you and OPH.

I've seen too much, done too much. I need... as in I really really really need a break. I'm so tired, I can't concentrate on my chinese studying, and there's too much going on at one time... I really don't know what I should do... I can't miss lectures because of whatever happened during GM... And similarly, I get so tired after every day... and on Mon, we still have Orientation 1 ad-hoc meeting... and we still have to do Project Work, because we have PW Oral presentation coming up... I WANT TO CONCENTRATE ON MY CHINESE! WHY DOESN'T THE COLLEGE UNDERSTAND!? And I heard that it's the science teachers who refuse to let up on the lectures, cause of SARS break... how long is an epidemic that wasn't caused by us going to haunt us with the effects it brings? Sometimes, i really don't get it...

Okay... sometimes I really wonder if VJC is really the place for me... as in, I love 20th, I love 03S13, I love my friends in VJC... and the teachers are quite nice... (quite being the word here... I still have my grievances)... but... in a world whereby I've lost my confidence in myself, to the extent that I'm putting on a facade... losing focus, losing faith... feeling better alone... yeahz, that probably sums me up. I really don't know what's come over me, and now, I don't dare to talk to her, and well, I really seem to be different... to me that is, I've been pretending to be alright... the only people who have managed to see through my mask is Hui Yi and Joanna... but... I'm not telling them anything as well.... until I want to I guess...? Oh whatever... I'm a failure, and I'm a loser. Nothing to say, nothing to defend.