Dear Mandy,

If I say right now that I'm tired, disillusioned, and overwhelmed, I wonder what would happen. Truth is, I'm kinda on the edge of the boat right now, barely clinging on, and wondering just what has been happening.

In all honesty, I have this funny feeling that there's really just too much I'm bearing upon my shoulders at the moment, and truth being said, I feel like throwing in the towel and running away for the longest moment to a place whereby I'm unaccountable to anyone, and able to hide my face, and be an unknown. The Maldives seem like a nice place, though I sincerely think Antarctica would be the most ideal. Or, I could, like in the book "Since I don't have you", go to Oia and hideaway there for as long as I could possibly do... since Oia seems like a place for people to escape to. And yet, I know that there's too much here for me to just put down and go. I don't have that kind of courage, and I definitely don't have that kind of money to begin with.

I know that God has placed all these obstacles along the way for a reason, and I also know, quite well, that I need His blessings to get through it all. I do feel His peace, but I dunno if these feelings I have are feelings of inadequacy, or feelings of pure overwhelmed emotions, induced by the folly of the devil. *sighs*

Sis' Professor talked to me today, and encouraged me to aim for 2nd Upper Class Honours... that way, I can be eligible for one year Masters' Programme, and NUS Sponsorship, if MOE doesn't want to sponsor me, which is all good and well. But I need to continue working hard, and looking at it at the moment, I'm a long way from 2nd Upper Class Honours. I resolve to work hard.

Come March, I will say goodbye to OVA, and that is a very big relief to me. I don't have to be the one who gets all the arrows anymore, and I don't have to be responsible for major decisions anymore. It has been a good term, I've learnt a lot? But I also know that it's time to move on, and focus on myself for once. Victoria... both VS, VJC and OVA have taught me a lot, but right now, if I want to return all the Victoria has given me, I have to first and foremost focus on my own studies, ensure I do well enough before I can finally return and teach the next generation of students.

I'm glad I joined "STEP-UP" Programme, actually, and I honestly feel the Lord calling me to this area of serving. However, in the preparatory service learning course, and the thoughts that ensured, have left me swimming in a furore of thoughts that are all jumbled up. It's making me unlike myself, thinking too much, and really... just making me too caught up in my own thinking, that I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm losing what is essentially me in trying to figure out these thoughts, and it's dangerous... Kristy always reprimands me when I think too much, cause she knows how much it'd affect me.. I need to stop thinking too much.

Arhx. On to a run tmr. :)