Searching for the ever elusive victory within

Dear Mandy,

As I sat pondering at my new cubicle in school (yes! I got my own seat now!), I can't help but wonder what it is that makes us who we are. There are, well, many definitions of who we should be. Some say we should be an all-achiever - go for the best in everything we do. Some say we should carpe diem, seize the day! Others say we should just enjoy life for what it's worth. But... these are opinions, thoughts... they may not be what we embrace as who we are. They may be ways to succeed in society, or to cope with the everyday stresses of life. But they may not be the true challenge that we innately seek to overcome.

Wait. Did somebody say challenge? Yes. As human beings, we love to overcome, because it piques our confidence. When we successfully dig out boots in and overcome an obstacle, we get a confidence boost. We want to aim higher, run faster, and then suddenly, we run out of steam. Or we get complacent. Or, in the worst case scenarios, we fail. And then, we throw in the towel, we give up. And for those who never get out of the shadow of the pain or the mode of self-pity, their once shining light gradually dims and waits, anxiously, for a chance to shine again.




And that reminds me of this clip about quicksand - facing our fears.
If we don't admit our fears, we'll never be able to face them head on. In this case, well, some background about this movie? A team of replacement players were put together to win 3 games in 4 weeks because the original team went on strike due to insufficient wage demands. Sounds similar to something that happened recently, but i digress.
And so, the coach, McGinty opens the floor to his players to share their deepest fears.
The quarterback, Shane Falco, played by Keanu Reeves, shares about quicksand - after an amusing tirade about spiders and bees.

In his explanation about quicksand, Falco states that he is afraid of messing up the game, because one mistake leads to a consecutive fall into subsequent ones - like you're sinking slowly into quicksand.

In short, everyone of us are afraid of messing up. We are afraid there is no second chance.. or we are afraid to give second chances. So we tread everything carefully, and we forget for what we live our lives for. Personal dogmas are sidelined, beliefs take a back seat, and above all else, we lose who we are in the process.




The thing is, it is possible to face our fears, and live life the way we want it to, when we have someone alongside, as in here, when Andrew asks Margaret to marry him.
See.. they're both scared. They're complete opposites. And 3 days ago, Andrew loathed Margaret.

It would be so much easier to just walk away.
But they just... can't.
Because well, there's that possibility that they could be making the biggest mistakes of their lives in walking away, and because what happened in those 3 days in Alaska made them realise how much they really like each other.

The ever elusive victory within is when you hold on tightly to something you believe in, and you refuse to let go. You may be scared, but you take steps to overcome it. You may not always succeed, but you don't lose yourself when you don't.

I'm not saying fears are easy to overcome.
I'm not saying that it is easy to live life the way we want it to.
I'm just saying that with God, all things are possible.
We just need to believe and take a huge step of faith forwards.
Then perhaps, everything will change. =)

Marathon Musings

Dear Mandy,

I ran the Nike WeRunSG 10km run last Sunday, and this morning, I conquered the Adidas King of the Road 16.8km run today.

And it is funny, because a marathon is something that you have to pace yourself well. Know when to rest, when to chiong, when to maintain your pace... and it is so similar to life.

Over the weekend, a question that reverberated in my mind after sermon is simply this: How much do I love the Lord?

And as I ran the Adidas KOTR this morning, I experienced the joy of having someone run/walk with me throughout the journey. It reminded me clearly that the Lord walks with me, even in the times when I feel like giving up, and especially in the times when I feel that I can't make it. =)
I think God is awesome.

I posted the above on my facebook wall, and I think it's just so apt?

Many a time, we ask ourselves, or rather, I ask myself "How much do I love God"?

But have I ever stopped to consider that I can never match the love that the Lord has for me? Whether I know it or not, He always walks with me. And I pale so much in comparison to what He has done for me on the cross.

It makes me wonder.

^"19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

- Matthew 28:19-20

This is a similar verse to what was preached over the weekend... I really stopped to ponder. But truly, God's promise is that He is always with us. And if He is always with us, it's like, He's this friend? That whether you know it or not is always walking beside you. He paces you... because He knows best. I had a good pacer today who helped me see that.

And the thing is this. Can people see Jesus in you?

Preach the Gospel... how about seeing it in a lighter way? Introduce the friend that is always with you. That friend, is Jesus.

Some musings

Dear Mandy,

Somehow, this year has been a year of random musings, but also a year of struggles? Somehow, the church theme every year never fails to amaze me when I do my milestone marker checks, and this time is not any different either. The year of Sabbath cause me to draw so much nearer to God, because there was ample time to read His Word and spend time in His presence... and in the year of an Extreme Disciple, it's a lot of dying to self and being challenged for time, and struggling with multiple issues that seem to come one after another.

And then I wonder.

I placed this as my FB status just a while ago:
"In life, we learn, adapt and apply.

We are all unique, so see every one as an unique individual.
We are all special, so see every one with their maximised potential.
We are all people, so see every one with lens of compassion.

I sometimes wonder... =)"

And they really stem across from a talk I had with my VP yesterday, as well as certain things that I've observed... In the helter-skelter way of the world, and of how the expectations have come down severely on several areas, I am left wondering how else do we see the world? It led me to wonder as I was driving to school in the morning, if I'd lost that inner tranquility and serenity that I have inside of me... and I find that scary.

The last time I lost that inner tranquility and serenity, God decided to send me to Canada for exchange. It made me miss Canada badly..

But then again, with the need for change as stated in the earlier "Sandra Dee' entry, as well as the increasing expectations that seemingly enfold me, I found solace in a simple chat with my VP, of which the details I am not going to disclose here. In essence, what she shared, I resonated with. Across the other sphere of the ocean, I'm not sure it may be the same mindset and perspective.

And yet, that led me to think of the concept of individual and family. We are all individuals that are created uniquely and differently by the Lord... but... at the same time, we are also people who should not live in isolation but in community. And within a community, as Sociology experts will tell you, there are certains social norms, mores, cultures and taboos that exist within every community.

The question I am pondering about is: when we are part of a community do we conform or do we be ourselves.

Ideally, we reach the middle point. We are who we are while assimilating into a culture. Happens most of the time. But in our attempt to be who we are, there are different thresholds of acceptance and tolerance for different cultures. And yet, in different cultures, there are different degrees of compliance and adaptation to do. I find myself straddled in between in many different spheres of my life. And it is a rather scary thought process, and one that I find even more marred.

At the end of encounter, I walked away knowing that in anything, I want to live to please God alone. Easier said than done. My personality is a more accommodating and easy-going one.. but I still am human with my own frustrations and my underlying "wounded tiger will bite" kind of reservation and acceptance.
And when I started wondering "what's wrong with me?", I started to be very concerned and worried.

I may have lost the essence of who I am.

And that? Truly is scary.

Goodbye to Sandra Dee...

Dear Mandy,



If you know Grease, then you'll definitely know this clip and what happens after.

I don't know. With a recent spate of events and all, I can't help but feel like there're so many things that I need to relook at and all.

And just like Sandy...
It could mean a complete overhaul.

The only difference, Sandy is sure of the overhaul that she has to make.
I on the other hand... I have my reservations? I don't know if it is a pride thing, or it is a stubbornness thing...? But to overhaul... it is scary.

Needless to say, I am scared.
Needless to say, I am confused.
Needless to say... I am upset, and my heart feels like it weighs a ton.

And yet....
I trust that the Lord will turn my tears into something good. =)
And so,
"Goodbye to Sandra Dee.."

Term 3 has ended...

Dear Mandy,

I have completed my first term as a teacher... and am duly amazed at how the Lord has worked in my life.

Sure there have been ups and downs in my time at AMKSS as a teacher... Times where I feel I didn't conduct a good lesson, times when I feel I didn't engage the class enough, times when I feel that my class management could have been a whole lot better. And times when I feel that I did a really good job.

I guess the students are the best gauge. And other than the fact that some students asked me to be more firm and to give them more hands on work, I find myself realising the need to toggle between the two extremes - a teacher-centered approach and a student-centered approach. But that takes time to gel.

All in all, I am just thankful. =)

He turns your fears into unexpected joy..

Dear Mandy,

I just collected my gown, my transcript and my GESL records... and was surprised at my GESL report. Amazingly, I had received an "Exceeding Expectation" for all the areas of the GESL evaluation, and these were from feedback from my group members as well as my supervisor... And I could only thank God?

Throughout the duration of the GESL project, honestly, I felt that I could have done so much better. Especially after the initial programme of the terrarium towards the CNY Spring Cleaning, that period was at my all time low, and we were running on minimal manpower, I had to call in NYP Primers to help balance out the numbers, and even then, we had many last minute arrangements to make. It was a challenge to balance out the role of being the GESL leader, while at the same time ensuring that things flow, and running everything, while looking after NYP in the capacity that I had. I prayed a lot too.

So when I see my GESL grade, I could only... well... thank God?
It really is quite true when you look at it and then you realise that what you thought was horrible, when you commit your actions to the Lord and your heart seeks to bring Him glory, somehow He will bless.

I remember the verse that He gave me ever since I started being a teacher earlier this year:

Proverbs 3:3-4 (NIV)

^"3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
    bind them around your neck,
    write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
    in the sight of God and man. "

Truly... when I serve God in whatever capacity I can with the right attitude and heart, the Lord does bless. GESL meant so much to me because I was leading a group of dynamic individuals, and I was also doing something to bless the community. That, in all its essence and honesty, started off as a step of faith and obedience, and it became a blessing.When I remain faithful to the Lord, and as I do what I do out of love, the Lord will turn my fears into unexpected joy.

The entire GESL project was truly a journey of faith with my God.

And my God never fails. =)

Praise God.

Some Random Thoughts...

Dear Mandy,

I guess that even as the time has passed by so quickly, I stop to wonder about many things. Some I wish I could share openly here, others I'm happy to share, and the rest somewhat either confuses me or saddens me.

Life is like that.
A kaleidoscope of varying emotions, situations and conclusions.
And we sometimes don't really have a foothold on them.

But I guess that when we don't have a foothold on them, it becomes very clear that there are things that are just out of our control.
God says in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans He has for us. And His plans are to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future.
And that gives me great comfort. =)

But truth be told...
I doubt life was meant to be that messy to begin with.
I've always thought that life with God would have a clear picture.
But I find myself looking forward to my break, and yet wishing I don't have to go because I have much to clear.. and in that, I find myself torn.

How ironic. On the brink of my holiday, and all I'm thinking about is how confused I am and the amount of work that I need to get done.
But... my holiday is time between God and I.
So I will take it.

Simply because I need to draw near to God.
So holiday, here I come. =)

Some Post-Practicum Thoughts

Dear Mandy,

Practicum ended last Friday, and if anything, it was a very challenging and steep learning curve, but one that I left fraught with much emotion, purpose, and questions in my mind. Positive and negative alike.

I guess the greatest impact made on me were by the students. I absolutely love 3-3 and 3A1, and who can compare to my ever wonderful 2-3? I guess as I reflected on my lessons with them, I know that my motivation to improve as a teacher is because I want to see these children excel. To see them do well beyond their expectations, and to find confidence in their abilities above any other. They are people of potential, and they are beloved children of God, and I am quietly anticipative to know how well they'll fare.

Of course, I thank God that I'm in a very cooperative and helpful English Department! My CTs, Han Tong and Mrs. Hairul are amazing, and I think I like working in the environment that aids in nurturing and developing their personnel. I guess I really thank God for the favour that He has blessed me with? And with the kids and with the teachers, I realise that it is unmerited favour, and definitely not one to be taken lightly.

Then, there are the lessons themselves and the CCA that I'm taking.. much to learn, much to improve.

But then, a few questions come into my mind.
What can I do to improve myself as a teacher so that I can improve them as people. Syllabus development vs wholistic education is an ongoing debate that will hardly ever end, and so it is with much thought that I daresay this... Do what benefits the students most. Wholistic education merged with syllabus development is never easy, but I guess that it can be done.

That being said, this practicum period has really taught  me much, but it also showed me that I need to start being realistic. I cannot run the way I used to, and if I am called to teach, then I need to make concession and arrange my priorities in different ways and manners. I'm still praying and asking God to illuminate the way for me in certain areas, but in the same way, I also see my character flaws, and I'm also asking the Lord to change me to be more like Him.

I am tired though.. I think that it's been a long 10 weeks, and there is a need to take a breather before I bounce back into the fray. =)

Many thoughts, little time... or is it?

Dear Mandy,

So many thoughts and questions that keep going in my head... Some are redundant, some recalcitrant, and it kind of makes me wonder... "How come I don't have time to sit down and reflect about these questions and come to an astute solution?"

Imagine my surprise when God gently chided me... "Child, you didn't make time."

How ironic, isn't it? We always claim we don't have time, but we forget that we ourselves determine how we use the time that we have on our hands.

Many a time, we are afraid to use the time for what it's really worth. I know that the bulk of my time recently have been to do lesson plans or to complete marking assignments... on top of that... there's of course, time for rest and time for food. We tend to forgo the latter, and not really the former.

So I guess I was pleasantly surprised when I realised that I was ahead of my lesson planning (cheers).
Only to be brought back to earth thereafter, realising that my marking has piled up (no-cheers).
And the multiple other administrative stuff that I have to do, such as chase homework (goodness).
It's never ending, and it never stops.

So we keep running as though we are built on the world's toughest steel that will never wear or tear.
In my dreams.

We are human beings. We are meant to rest. We are called to be still and know that He is God.

And yet... I somehow find that God gets compartmentalised very quickly when the going gets tough.
I think it's because I know He understands, so I compartmentalise.

I should re-evaluate myself. =)

Simplicities

Dear Mandy..

Somewhere along the way... life got complicated.

I feel sometimes like I don't understand myself. =)
Or rather... I'm trying to understand myself, but often find myself short.

So... I feel like there are times when I try too hard to be understood.
Perhaps there's not much reason to be.

Then you suddenly realise.
Life is complicated because we choose to make it complicated.

Live simply so that others may simply live...

Random thoughts that go through my mind.
I'm surprised.

I guess as humans, we sometimes hope against all hope that we are appreciated and affirmed.
And we lament we don't get appreciated and affirmed enough.
I'll go the other way.

Perhaps we are affirmed and appreciated enough. Just not the way we expect it to be.
Or not the way we receive it, as Gary Chapman says.

A heart tug.
I think I found the term. =)
Or maybe a gravitated heart?
Hmm... nah. Too abstract.

And then I go one fullll circle...
And just simply say "oh. whatever. Que Sera Sera." =)

Dear Mandy,

There come several times in life when you realise that you're really taking on too much, and then you start to break down.

I remember in JC, Year 1... the week of the Promotional Examinations, it was raining daily, and as Councillors, we have to do morning duty. When it rains, we'd have to don these big yellow raincoats, and set up cones, and direct traffic so that the students coming to school can be dropped off quickly and effectively. As one of the councillors who're early, I'd always be one of those who'd start setting up the wet weather routes, and then hand over to the Councillors who are on duty when they come... I remember one particular day, when the Councillors were all late, and it were just 3 to 4 of us on duty. No Councillor came to help, even though we had called for help... In the end, our seniors came down to take over, and when I went up to the Council room all haggard and exhausted and wet, I saw a room full of my own Councillors. I walked away, broke down and cried.
I flunked my Physics paper that day.

And one month later, I got my Promotional results. OOOO. I had to go and beg and plead for a half mark for my biology paper so that I can get promoted. I got it, and I got EOOO... Nice.

And on top of that, we had to prepare for so many things. I got overwhelmed.
That I told my President I'm considering resigning from Council.

I didn't in the end of course. I had really good Councillors who rallied around me and helped me get through that difficult period of time.


And in the midst of practicum, I find myself trying to swim... Yes. Trying. Because it feels like I'm swimming with this big metal weight behind me, pulling me down. I would love to get rid of the weight, except that I am afraid that it may harm the sea creatures beneath me.
Not the best analogy, I know. But I'm sure you get the idea.

I haven't broken down this badly in a long run, but over the last one to two months, I have been severely drained. Trying to balance everything in my life has seriously taken its toll on me, and I feel like I've even changed to become somebody that I'm not. Yesterday, PS Kim Meng gave an altar call for people who feel like they have been giving too much and they are tired to respond to the altar call. So I went.. without a second doubt, I went.

And the moment I knelt down, I felt God's presence. So imagine my surprise when thereafter, I felt three hands on me. And to my surprise, they were my cell members. They took turns to pray for me, and I felt so overjoyed that God was affirming me with the prayers and the actions of my cell members. And Shaun came to pray for me, blessing me with Isaiah 40:29-31--- "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
I broke down terribly when Shaun pulled my head and rested it on his shoulders.

Shaun said that he knows that I am tired, and the Lord knows it. And the Lord is affirming me that He is pleased.

And so, I think I am faced with decisions in life. Whether I should continue juggling everything and stretch myself across so many areas... or I should focus my energy on one, and look to grow that one area in my life.

I made an appointment with Jesus at 5pm later today.
I know that He'll speak there and then. =)

Leadership is synonymous with brokenness and humility..

Dear Mandy,

Even as yesterday I was at leaders' meeting, and PS Roland and PS Eugene shared, I cannot help but agree with some of the things that were shared.

PS Roland shared his takeaways from the Bogota G12 Conference, and the quotes from John Maxwell truly resonated within me..

"Everything rises and falls on leadership."

"Leadership is not a value - it is a state of being."

PS Eugene's sharing truly made me even more reflective. He shared that "Leadership is about brokenness and humility". Sharing from Matthew 19:30, "³⁰ But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." As I started to think more about it, I wondered... brokenness and humility are two separate nouns altogether. Where one is a state of being (brokenness), the other is actually a value (humility). And then the big question: what's the difference between the two?

A value is something internalised, and that shapes your character. So humility is something that you attempt to be in all spheres of life. But a state of being is not forever. It is seasonal? And it does not have a fixed time, but it does not go on as long as a value would. As such, if I were to put them in an analogy, a value is like the sky, and a state of being would be a particular seasons. Sometimes, a season goes beyond the expected 3 months, sometimes it is less than an expected 3 months. And so, brokenness is like that. We don't know how long it may be, or when it may begin, but it is seasonal, and we will come out of it stronger.

And it truly made me think.. How do we see leadership these days? A lot of people in this world have ended up taking it as a position of authority, and even gotten proud with it in the process. And it truly caused me to reflect about my outlook on leadership and authority.. Have I been proud? Taking my position as a leader for granted? And the truth is, I think there have been moments that I have been feeling that way. And so, in my quiet solitude last night before the Lord, I humbly told the Lord that "I don't know how best to lead. But I know You do. Teach me."

I believe God heard my prayer, and He will answer in His time. 

Perhaps in the last sharing on unity, and this sharing on leadership, I try to find the connection between both. In my devotion this morning, it was directing us to keep our brothers and sisters in prayer. Talking about "prayer is for the small things that worry us and for the big things that overwhelm us". So true.

So for us as leaders, what does it mean...? How can we as leaders work towards unity? 

I had two thoughts...

1) Seek first to understand, then to be understood

2) Check back to make sure that what you understand is what the speaker intends to convey.

It starts from sincere love, and seeking to understand and listen to what people have to say.

Perhaps the biggest question for me was, do I? 

I will be praying. =)

IPOD 2012.. a lesson on unity, family and love.

Dear Mandy,

In the events that have unfurled over the last few weeks, a lot of questions about unity seemingly creep into my mind.

What truly constitutes unity? That's probably the first question most people would have.
To me... I think I consider a community that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm. Of course, I believe that it also has one alignment in heart and purpose... To glorify God would be my ideal purpose. Imagine if everyone were to edify, affirm and encourage, without seeking self-gratification or being inward-looking half the time? It would be amazing, wouldn't it? Because everyone seeks to encourage, nobody would feel lonely; because everyone seeks to affirm, people would be happy; because everyone seeks to edify, people would be open to share. How beautiful!

 

The clouds at the Ngee Ann Polytechnic Field

At IPOD 2012, NYP BB Primers sent a very small team of 14 people including Officers to participate. Essentially, we were the smallest Company represented today at IPOD 2012. And yet... I learnt so much from these lovely group of people.

 Team NYP

 The boys soccer team got thrashed badly in the group stages with 4-1, 4-1 and 3-0. The girls' Captain's Ball team made it to the 4th position. But through it all, I saw how both teams played for each other. They supported, they pushed themselves, and they truly gave their all. It wasn't much about winning. It was more of knowing what role they had to fulfill, and what they had to do in order for each other to be able to contribute to the success of the team.

Seeing how they rallied around each other when someone was injured. Taking additional time out from their lunchtime to support each other. Forsaking their rest time so they can cheer the other group on. And huddling together just so that they can draw strength from one another. When they were down, they started to cheer and encourage one another. It was a beautiful beautiful sight to behold.

And through it all, I cried when I debriefed them. I felt they played so well, that they truly deserved to get something away from it all. It's only the 2nd time I've openly shown my emotions to the Primers in tears.. but I somehow believe with all my heart that God taught them a lesson far more valuable than victory. That the process is sometimes more important than the end product.

They are a lovely bunch of people, and I know God has something great for them in store. I pray that this company will grow in size, but yet, always retaining that humble grounding.
That we are first and foremost a united family that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm, before we are a CCA in NYP.
That much, I believe is the mandate God has for NYP.

So imagine my heart's emotions when the I/C of the organising Committee for IPOD 2012, Olivia, smsed Jiejia to say that though we are not the biggest in number, but we have a one of a kind EXPLOSIVE passion and enthusiasm.
I knew, in my heart, that God has called NYP Primers to a new beginning- one that first began with love.

And so, I simply smiled.

Reminiscing about Canada..

Dear Mandy,

This is one reason why I love Canada so much. =)


Kudos to Angie for taking such a beautiful picture! =)

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!!

Dear Mandy,

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!

Happy holidays to all! =)

Reflections on Code Blue Season 2

Dear Mandy...



As I finished watching Code Blue Season 2, it really struck me that most medical dramas such as Grey's Anatomy, cannot avoid looking at the medical scenarios without thinking and reflecting about life.


I've included this scene about Hiyama and Shiraishi here, because it is the very scene that I talked about in my previous post. And as I watched the scene again, I can't help but realise that more and more pieces of this scene are put together.


They're medical doctors, Shiraishi is not suspended, but she chose to use her spare time to comfort Hiyama instead of getting some rest or getting documentations done. Hiyama puts on a strong front, but Shiraishi knows her well enough that she would insist on giving her a makeshift hug to let her know it is ok to cry. And Hiyama must trust Shiraishi well enough to carry oon crying and sharing.

Do we really see that in the world today? In people?
Or do we increasingly live in a society that is increasingly unappreciative?

Well, I was doing a reading on discipline methods and classroom management, and there was a line that said "Teachers do not have much autonomy or control over the syllabus, but they are the ones held responsible for the performance of the students", or something along those lines. And I smiled ruefully, because many a time, we are responsible for things we did not initiate or do. And in trying to keep up with these responsibilities and the expectations of the world and the people around us, we more or less end up losing ourselves and become more inward looking.

So perhaps we should reconsider. What would Jesus do?
He never cared. He would leave the crowd, go to a mountain by himself to pray.
And what are we doing?
Getting caught in a rat race.

Time to re-evaluate my priorities and my beliefs. =)

Code Blue Ep 8: Mihoko Hiyama

Dear Mandy,

As I finished watching Code Blue Season 2 Episode 8, I'm drawn to what Mihoko Hiyama went through, and once again, am amazed at how I can relate to Mihoko...

In tending to a brain-dead 6 year old child, Tsubasa, his mother cries when she slowly comes to a realisation that her son is dead already. So in tears, she says that she would like to hug her child with her two arms. Mihoko, moved and trusting in the mother, unhooks the breathing machine, and lets his mother hug him. Point to note: the child would have died in a couple of hours, at most a day. The mother did not sign the "Do not resuscitate" form.

So, imagine what happens when the mother's brother decides to sue Mihoko and the hospital, because he thinks that she killed his nephew.

Mihoko is shaken, the hospital is shaken, and what is endearing is how Aizawa, Shiraishi, Saijima and Fujiwara rally around her. Mihoko breaks down because the mother's brother says in her face "you're a murderer". And it was heartwrenching when Mihoko says "I told myself I'll always remember the thanks that a patient gave me. Never did I expect that today I'll be called a murderer." And cries. Shiraishi, sitting beside her, initially pats her back, but is shoved away by Mihoko. So, she boldens, moves nearer, and pulls Mihoko near in a simple hug. Mihoko resists, but breaks down even more in the process.

So at the hearing, Tachibana, Mihoko's supervisor, tells Mihoko to share her true feelings. She is encouraged also by the head of Surgery. So she shares the true proceedings as to what happened. Especially how she thought that she had established understanding with Tsubasa's mother, before proceeding to unhook the machine. Of course, she was blasted with it, but Mihoko, infuriated, blasts out by saying "signing the DNR form is as though you are asking his mother to say her child is dead! And I just want to minimise any further pain to her!" before pausing and saying "any doctor who asks someone to sign a DNR form and remains calm and methodological about it is completely nuts."

At the end of the episode, Aizawa finds Mihoko in the emergency room. After a brief conversation, Mihoko cries badly as she says "I'm afraid to face the patients anymore. I'm scared of interacting with them."

As I reflected on Mihoko's predicament.. I realise that people hurt people. And sometimes, people want to get revenge as a means of venting their own anger, sadness and hurt. And more importantly... people are always focused on the end product, and very few people actually focus on the process. And I somehow sense that it is in the process, that there are much unseen tears, blood and perspiration. Simply because people don't care. As long as the end product looks good, that's all that matters. And that is a sad fact.

I realise that as much as I trust people, somewhere deep down, I'm scared too. We all have been hurt along the way by people in one way or another.. and many a time, nobody truly sees the hard work behind all the events and activities that are put out. Increasingly, we live in a world that is not as appreciative as it used to be? And perhaps that's why God calls us to live life differently. God is always concerned about our processes, our lives, and what we go through. And He's there every step of the way.

Perhaps that's why the old saying goes? People may fail you, but God never fails.
So, despite all my fears, apprehensions, and shortcomings, God still cares and loves.
I'd pray for Mihoko.. really. =)

Shiraishi in Episode 3 of Code Blue Season 2

Dear Mandy...

I just finished watching Code Blue Season 2's episode 3. It was a really heartwrenching moment for me actually..

The scene begins with talking about how human beings are generally people who lie? And in the disaster whereby someone fell, and there was a stampede, Shiraishi came across this guy who had breathing difficulties. So on the spot, being emergency doctors, Shiraishi had to insert a catheter into his lungs. However, due to the guy having heart problems, was forced to do surgery there and then.

The Shiraishi of Season 1 would have faltered, and considered the feelings of the people around, but as her experiences have, moulded her to become a cool, calm operating doctor, doing what is needed without room for emotional consideration. She was forced to stop massaging the heart of the victim, because his heart simply would not take it. And in her face, the guy's mother screamed "Are you a devil? How can you stop when he still has consciousness?" To which, Shiraishi just looks down and mumbles an apology.

It isn't until afterward when Shiraishi and Aizawa are forced to take the train back to the hospital as they were the last two on the spot, that Shiraishi lets her emotions run over her when she sees a mother and child conversing in the train. Aizawa shields her from public eye by standing in front of her, and Shiraishi just lets her emotions flow.

As i reflect on Shiraishi and what she did... part of me can't help but understand and resonate with what she is going through. How many times have I had to shelf my emotions and just do what is required of me, only to truly truly come back thereafter, and let the emotions wash over me overwhelmingly? The truth? Quite a few. So I really thank God that He comes through in my moments of weakness.

I'm not as strong as I seem to be, and yes, I do cry. I do worry.
I just happen to become really good at shelfing things. =)
Thank God for Him, because otherwise, I'm not sure what I'll be.

So.. will I stop shelfing things? I don't think so.
Will I start to share more so that I don't let the shelf clutter too much? Well, I'm not sure.

But I do know that God clears that shelf for me ever so often.
It's just a difficult and lonely journey to walk, but one that's never alone. =)

Comeback Madonna Special!

Dear Mandy,


When I watched this movie, and this song came on in Episode 11, I really fell in love with it.

It speaks of pursuing your dreams, it speaks of coming back in a different light, but living true to your dreams and beliefs.
If you ask me, it is kind of hard to live out your dreams in today's world, and I take my hat off to those who do.

I sometimes have weird and crazy thoughts of going to try out for auditions when the Korean companies come to Singapore? But I also know that's not my calling. I love to sing, I enjoy dancing, but truth be told, I see myself living out my childhood dream of being a teacher in time to come. God has been really good, and the experiences that I've gone through thus far, have always led me to come back to a teaching approach and profession.

But in any case.. this is one song that will always remind me not to give up when the going gets tough. =)
I love the bridge the most. =)

I hope you enjoy this song and be as inspired by it as I was. =)

Dear Mandy...

It's not even been 24 hours yet, and somehow, the year ahead looks challenging already. =)

GESL... Ministry... NIE... each bring to the table a different issue, and I'm tempted... very tempted... to just put down the World and say farewell as I travel around it. But as I say: I'm tempted. I know I won't do it.

In just a paltry 24 hours.. it's driving me to an extent that I'm already asking God to help see me through this year. Because for starters... it's not going to be easy, because if this is an inclination of what is to come, then I think I'm in for a rough ride. Then again.. nobody said it'd be easy.

I'll see it through by grace. =)