Dear Mandy...

It's pretty amazing how I can go back to VJC and still feel it's home even though I've left the college for a good 2 years! Haha... and well, ironically, it's sad that I keep going back, because I know very well that this present council, the VJC 23RD SC will be the last council I'll oversee and guide for one full term.

And it's sad for me. All along, I've wanted to be a guide to the Councillors, especially in year 2 when there're no seniors to guide them through a new phase... And well, how much I've done or rather, I managed to do, is really not a lot... and sometimes, I can tell that my presence is not wanted... but I still do it. Haha.. call me thick skinned... oh well....

It's still pretty amazing how we can never get tired about talking about our past in VJC... from nominees onwards to the end of A levels, to life after VJC, to well, each other's progress in their respective fields... it's really something that I miss, and harbour inner wishes of it being more often than what it is now. But I'm harbouring wishful thoughts... how oft it is when a council graduates, we all go our separate ways, and meeting up becomes something of a distant memory, as each of us are busy, and unable to meet at the same time as others can! It's kinda saddening.. but well, maybe that's why I'm in VJC ever so often...

In any case... I love VJC...

Dear Mandy...

Well, it's been another week, and it's left me feeling more confused and lost than I did when I first started out...

On Monday, S3 was still around, so we had this huge Pow-wow to settle all the Outstanding matters, and also the pressing matters... I guess he's right to say we're all fighting out own fires... I realise I have a lot of little campfires I have to attend to myself, and it doesn't take a scientist to know that I'd be in for a tough time without S3 around... For all of us actually... So, on Monday, S3 left. And I found myself feeling insecure... and very very lost... I had a call from Lee Min, to arrange for our meeting for her to pass me her birthday present. Apparently, Marcello fell sick, and it's suspected HFM, so I offered to go to the doctor's with her, and well, encountered what I must say, an appalling call from her boyfriend! Well, apparently, he's encountered some problems with Lee Min, and was so called, checking up on my relation with her... after reassuring him, well, things ironed out. But, I don't know... so it made Monday having 2 things to make me think about.

Tuesday saw the first day without S3 around... and no, it wasn't fun, to say the least. I had myself arrowed with a lot a lot of things, that well, normally isn't my jobscope, and I found myself, Lincoln and Wilson, running around just trying to bat down small fires that had escalated out of our reach. It wasn't fun, no... I find myself being overloaded with work... and then, looking at my other commitments as well, I found myself with more ambiguity and feeling ever so more lost than when I began.

Wednesday was a half day for me, not before we had Crescendo Coord meeting that I ended up being more than not, slightly miffed as I realised my role in that meeting was not very significant. After that, I took my half day off and I went to VJC to leave with the 23rd SC for National Schools' Cross Country Championship finals. Well, VS won the double champions for C and B div, and well, VJC won 3rd for A Boys and 4th for A Girls. It was quite a good day... but it was also the first match support of 23rd that I saw, and I was far from impressed... but I was still hopeful and optimistic of their potential and their talents, I guess they just needed more guidance and experience... 22nd however, felt that they needed to wake up. Seeing how it's their 3rd match support, well, I can understand why they feel pissed off with 23rd... but, well, I sincerely believe they can do better... I shan't dwell more on this, because, what's done is done, and I hope 23rd can improve on their match support.

I return over to camp on Thursday to find fires brewing that require immediate attention, including one that seemed to be not our problem, but something that we can rectify anyway... so we shot up and hopped around, and in the end, after a meeting with CPT Ricky, a discussion with Han yuan, and a pow wow with Lincoln and Wilson, we managed to bat down the fire to a manageable one, and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief... being that the next day was Good Friday, I managed to get off work early and just relax as the DO, but that was until 2 recruits from CHarlie started to fight and were awarded 14 days SOL... so that warranted an incident report, and also the start of their reports... sigh... not much fun for them, I can assure you...

Friday saw me at home recuperating from DO duty at home... sleeping.. and I realised how sleep deprived I was when I took 6 hours of sleep straight away.

Today I went to school to run, and I did... had a long chat with Meng Siong, Santosh, Jing-Yi, Joel about NS and stuff like that, and then we had fun going to Siglap and buying lunch... following which, Shefong, me, Jing-Yi and Santosh had another long chat... and then I met Britney, went to 7-11 to have lunch with them, and then after that, I sat in for the 23rd SC Red Shirts meeting.. it was a long one, which is always the case for the first meeting of ECO... and I remembered that our first meeting to settle the basic structure was always with the seniors... and quite sadly, there were no real seniors there to teach them the roles... It's quite sad, honestly... and I realised that it would be very difficult for me to re create the dynamic and well organised working style of ECO as I'm in no position to say anything. But I'm glad and optimistic for this batch of Red Shirts to recreate that dynamic quality that the Red Shirts have always had, which was lost somewhere along the way... and to make that impact again.

But when I left, I found myself contemplating a lot of things... and I found myself even more confused... until Dommy dear put me back on track... I realise what she said is true... thanks Dommy... I owe u one...

I cannot turn back time, and I cannot recreate the past. I can only embrace the present.. and do whatever change I can do... I am me... and I ought to be happy with that fact... :)

Dear Mandy...

It's been 2 weeks... so long... so tired, and really have wanted to let go... just lie down low and sleep away my whole life... I don't know what exactly was wrong with this week, but it really drained me...

On Sat, 1 Apr 06, Me, Ken, Shane and WC had dinner to celebrate our birthdays... Shane was 27 Mar, WC 2 Apr, me 3 Apr and Ken 7 Apr... we had Kenny Rogers and Shane was so nice to make reservations for us! The servings were huge! I really ate till I couldn't down another mouthful... that was before we hit the arcade, and then we had a loong chat at Mac. Then WC drove the three of us home to S'goon Nth, and then he went off home to Tampines... so nice of them right? We're all BMT buddies, the 4 of us, and we're really quite close. We meet up once in a quarter year? And we just talk and talk... haha... it's a nice feeling.

On Sunday, 2 Apr 06, I watched Ice Age 2, and it is really cute... though not as stress relieving as Pink Panther, but the fact that I watched it with my beloved Councillors made it all the more worthwhile...

Monday, 3 Apr 06, my birthday. Thanks to everyone who remembered and took the effort to wish me happy birthday... Especially to Lee Min!! She even took the effort to get me a present! Gosh, and I didn't even remember to wish her happy birthday on hers! Sigh sigh... I really am thankful for her lorz... Of course, there were the people who I really didn't expect to remember, like Shi Ying, Kristy P... and well, there were the people who didn't remember... sigh. It's ok. I appreciate you remembering no matter how late. :) But then again, it may have been my birthday, but it didn't make any difference... I didn't have my birthday off, since it was the day of CO Conference, and there was also the Unit Safety Meeting, and also the rehearsal for the Army Mess Happy Hour.. so, I didn't really get to enjoy my birthday... oh well. I didn't expect much anyway... :)

Tuesday was IPPT for regulars, and well, after which I had to go to SISPEC's Rocky Hill Mess for the Army Mess Happy Hour. I spent almost a whole day there.. majority of the time I was doing nothing... until the actual event. Even then, I didn't do much. There were so many changes that kept being made... in the end? I just ended up standing around, eating, drinking, and being lost in my own thoughts. After the whole event, I spent an hour on the phone with Britney... Catching up on 23rd's progress, and finding out from Britney just what exactly was going on... I must admit, I found my junior a very fun person to talk to. Haha... But the day didn't end happily... Due to a major miscommunication, I found myself having to conduct battalion PT the next day... and unfortunately for me, the AI had so many errors that I found myself making as many corrections as the number of pages the AI had. In the end, Samuel said he'd conduct, so we spent a good half hour at the Ops Room printing a new AI, and making all the corrections...

Wednesday saw me being the safety officer of Bn PT, but as I felt I needed to run, I joined 'C' Coy for Speed Training, which by the way, was 2.4km worth of sprints and jogging... It was really physically demanding, and I'm quite happy i completed the whole thingy. Haha... after that, I spent the whole day in the office, finishing up the minutes for CO Conference, and then going out for a quick dinner, where I managed to get my karaoke CD and that night, I had a quick selection of song with Meng Kit, YC, Ah Hoe and JD... It was kinda fun!

Thursday kickstarted with another IPPT for regulars, and after that, I went to clear my e-mails in the office. After that, I went to rehearse somemore, before I went of to Ministry Of Sound, which is where we had the Engineer Idol Finals, and also the 39th Engineers' Anniversary Celebrations... The whole place was nice, but after a while, I realised that I'm not a clubbing kind of person... Our emcee was Caroline Cheong... and our judges included MC King and Margaret Lee of JCrew... That night, I sang ???????and I got a total of 26/40. MC King said I didn't have the idol image, Margaret said she found my voice soothing, and when she closed her eyes, she could actually find herself appreciating how it was. The next judge said I sing like Jay Zhou, partly because she couldn't hear what I was singing, but she said I had a nice voice. And the last judge said that he liked my performance... I was quite touched. Of course, I wasn't in top 3, but I'm already quite happy I tried.

I met Chiew Mei, and her friends, Michelle, Dalena and Zhiyi (I think that's the spelling) that night, and well, it was great seeing Chiew again... That night, well, I understood just how much I wished I had someone to hold me, and someone to tell me everything will be alright... Because that night, at MOS, Chiew took care of me, and well, I sort of took care of her as well... and we just chatted, and walked around, and well, it felt really nice to be able to not be the one that's strong... I just didn't need to be strong, and there was no stress... I didn't have to make anything happen... I just needed to be a normal person who's just giving and caring for another person... I miss that feeling so much... but I don't ever get it often.

Then that night, Gabriel and I went back to camp together. Thanks to his parents who drove us to pick up some ice cream and some drinks before we headed back to camp... where we enjoyed our ice cream over watching Wong Fei Hung on the TV... haha... then we went to sleep.

Today I was in the office for majority of the time, and once again, I found myself in another meeting... this time, a coord meeting for Crescendo... it was a long, boring meeting whereby I can honestly say I wasn't needed, but oh well... then I spent the day worrying about rounds for GPMG... sigh... I just wish I had a break...

Dear Mandy...

This week has been a total hell... I thought that even with my boss at Exercise and all, I'd be able to have a bit more breathing space... Well, it didn't turn out that way... surprisingly? My main jobscope was very much lessened... but on other aspects, like covering for him and the Ops Warrant who wasn't around was enough to drive both me and my Trg Spec crazy... Let me elaborate...

On Sunday I went out for a birthday dinner for Sangeeta and David, and I did have fun... amidst all the pranks, the girls being late, and the catching up between everyone... I realised how much I miss the feeling of a family.... to days of everyone staying in school late, and being able to just talk to someone when you feel like it... But well, in camp, I sometimes feel the need to talk to someone, but when I scroll through my phone book sometimes, I realise that there's actually nobody much I can call sometimes... Sure, there's people I can call, but the thing is, I don't feel right bothering them too much... you know? And something that Rachel told me about how I'm giving Anhua the wrong signals left quite an impact on me... which is... am I really doing things that a friend should? I ought to think more.

Monday was relatively tiring... Being DO is not fun, that I can ascertain. I managed to finish CO Conference minutes, only to have the vetted copy returned to me when I finished clearing the Armskotes.. so I spent the next 2 hours at my computer, updating the minutes, which I have to send out later... then I cleared 'D' armskote at sometime past midnight... sigh... Next day had to be neutral for 3SIG SOC, before I headed back to camp only to be presented with some e-mails to clear and a very heavy head... I suffered from a slight fever, and had to spend sometime in bunk during lunch break to rest up. That was before I got arrowed to go for Engineer Idol. So with a heavy heart, I went for VS130 meeting, where I know I have to do more work. :)

Wednesday saw me waste $30 on taxi fare, cause I forgot to bring along the cd for the auditions for Engineer Idol. So I made this huge U-Turn back to camp, before going back down to another camp for the auditions. It turned out to be a waste of time... They videocamed each performance and we can redo until we felt it was good enough... the best performance from each individual will be sent up for vetting, together with an interview, so yeah.. It was quite a waste of time...

What made me happy on Wednesday?. I went up to NTU for dinner with Amy, Hui Zhi, Kristy P and my twinnie darling! I especially haven't met KrisP for a LOOONG time, so I was actually very happy... We chatted about old times, and we had a very nice meal, if I say so myself... :) Then I went to see their hall, and well, I think I want to stay there... haha... :)

Thurs was the time the killer started... I went down to Khatib Camp with the PTI and my Trg Spec for BUC result verification. The results were horrendous, to say the least... It started this huge bomb of work all over... We rushed to tell the admins what to do, and to compile the results, and based on inaccurate percentages as well... so we worked until 11.30pm, and thanks Tryph, Jessamyn, for listening to me rant when u both were already so busy... I appreciate everything...

On Friday, I went for Track and Field selection and ran 400m, but not very fast... haha... dunno why, no more motivation anymore.... then had to rush back to finish compiling the results... and then with all the work done, I ended up volunteering to conduct an IPPT come Monday evening, and I need to rush... Rush Rush Rush... sigh sigh sigh... so many things to do right? Nothing much I can do except to suck it up... I'll do what I can...

Dear Mandy...

This week was great! Cause I was at VJC for the 23rd Elects Camp! :) And that's the main thing that made my day...

On Sunday night, me and Jing-Yi stayed over in school.. we were the only two councillors in the room that night! And we did a lot of things... from sitting there, reading through the timetable for the camp, to walking over the school, to supper at 7-11, followed by bathing in the wee hours of the morning, and then a couple of phone calls, to music softly playing in the night while we lay on the floor, chatting to each other before dozing off at about 0200hrs in the morning.

The next day kickstarted with the Elects coming in, and us sitting there, observing the 22nd in charge of the camp. Well, my main objective, actually, was to observe the Elects, and also the conduct of the camp by 22nd. And their way of conducting the camp was pretty interesting.. there was a DISCO, a WELCO for the camp, and a few other unique approaches to making the camp a good one. Well, Jing and I left for lunch, and we met Audrey and Nigel, before meeting Kelvin for lunch at parkway... we had a good time together... chatting and catching up on old times. After that, we returned to school to observe the cheering and mass dance sessions. 23rd struck me as an enthusiastic lot, though possessing some attitude, but still, they try... 22nd tried to be good camp facilitators, but somehow, lost their cool along the way. It's ok though, we all learn somehow or rather to handle our emotions only later in the camp, as we too lost our cool along the way when we were conducting the camp for 21st. The night was fun for me... I helped set up the candle game, and had the chance to talk to Deborah of is it Debra, who had a sprained ankle... The night then ended with me, Jing, Nigel, Yulan sleeping in the treehouse... :) Nice place to sleep, if I say so myself.

Day 2 started with PT, which sort of surprised me with the number of casualties. I ended up with a pretty good workout... dashing from area to area, and well, ending with Mr. Chad Goh himself conducting a decentralised cool down before the hike brief. After that, I went to watch a softball match, but ended up flaring at the last group who was there for the situational games. Though it was only a friendly, the way they refused to listen to the seniors who were nicely offering advice, the way they shouted at the red shirts across the "crowd", did nothing but piss me off to a point I couldn't take it and flared up at them... it was uncalled for, and well, I aplogised for that. After that, it was cheering where the red shirts pumped themselves and ended up crying... and then mass dance was pretty good... danced with Carene for friendship, and found their mass dance needing of polishing... but will they get it...? I wonder...

Then the hike. I joined Cygnus, Shikin and Cheok's group, and the elects with me were Jireh, Jared, Beertini, Elise, Andy and the ever thankful Britney.We had fun! Haha... we sang, we chatted, we competed... We had a lot of fun, and I really bonded with Cygnus pretty fast! Haha... then the sweets and the sugar cane juice I treated them to... well, it was worth it. Now I owe them ice cream! :S Haha... my group was first! Haha... yay! After that, we sat down and had dinner and chatted a lot a lot... before Mr. Goh gave everyone, including the seniors, a hamburger each before we all left to school. The seniors sat in Mr. Goh's lorry, and we sang lots of songs on the way back.

Reached back to school and I prepared to leave, though not until I saw the Elects going for toilet session, and it made me remember my own days... :) I left after that, albeit sadly... but I know that there's only so much time I could afford.

I followed up the next day back in Camp, and had 81 e-mails to clear... shocked is beyond explanations. Haha... but I tried my best to clear them all, which I did albeit with some effort, and then had to rush the CO Conference stuff... and of course, all the result tabulation and stuff like that... it was a headache all by itself. Of course, Thurs was slightly better as well... but nevertheless, I was happy on Thurs...

I met up with Lee Min, whom I have not met or called for the last 4 years, and she has a darling son! Haha.. he's totally adorable, and is so like his mother! Haha... I mean, after 5 mins of meeting, he wanted me to go everywhere with him already! Holding my hand, bringing me everywhere... and I carried him and walked all the way to Lot 1 Shopping Mall, and back... he's honestly adorable... haha... Of course, meeting my good friend from way back was probably what made the night so much more special... I didn't want to go back to camp! Hahaha...

Friday was the MR Parade for 321 SCE at Nee Soon Camp, albeit after CO Conference, which ended pretty early... 3 hours only... :) Yay...

Today... well, I'm fine... haha... driving was fun I guess... haha...

Well, I'm quite positive about the 23rd Council... I've seen some potentials, and some people who need brushing up... but it's like that for every council... they have to work out the kinks themselves, and along the way, perhaps... they'll bond and be a good council... It's always the bonds that make Council so much more special... I'm optimistic for them.

Nil Sine Labore...

Dear Mandy...

I just returned from 60/05 OCC Commissioning Parade, and it was reminiscent of my Commissioning Parade... The parade though not like ours, but it was still same... impactful and meaningful... especially when they did the 14-1-2, I felt the same feeling I did when we did it... that euphoria and sense of achievement... I guess for me, that was the highlight of the parade... A synchronised movement, coordinated and in step, and yet, speaking of long ages ago, when war was fought with people standing in ranks and taking turns to fire... so many meanings inculcated into a single drill... it made me smile, thinking of everything... and of course, it didn't surprise me when Meng Siong cried... because, I know I cried for mine...

Commissioning is really a big deal for us... it signifies the fruition of 9 long months of training... and in those 9 months, we've toiled, sweat, laughed and cried, and in those months, we forged friendships, went through rough times, and made the most out of whatever moments we had... We could have been studying, we could have been training, we could have been finding time to just chat with each other... but in some weird sense, it all feels like yesterday... the smell of stale sweat, the cuts and bruises... the times of low morale and great excitement... they're memories to be kept... and one I shall not forget.

Along that journey, I encountered many things... I encountered a lost relationship, I encountered my juniors, but most of all, I encountered many revelations about myself that I had never seen before... and in some weird sense? I'm glad... haha... though I may not have seen them before, I'm glad I saw them now...

I'm an officer of the SAF. And I'm proud to be one, despite all the challenges that come my way, despite all the misgivings that I harbour... I know that this is an achievement that I'm glad to say I have.

To lead, To excel, To Overcome. OCS!

Dear Mandy...

It's been a long week... and I seem to say the same of every week, but this week was seriously quite tedious... I mean it...

Lesson plans played the major highlight in this week's edition of life in the office... I mean, I got thrown a grand total of about 16 lesson plans to update, and I've hit the ALL TIME HIGH of updating 5O LESSON PLANS! Haha.. take that! Of course, then add on the fact that I had to find and update the ATP lesson plan within 1 hr! Haha... I'm pretty proud of my achievements with respect to less on plans lorz... even if it meant working until 11pm one night, and until 9pm for the other... :S

Of course, Lesson plans actually sparked an e-mail conference that resulted in some tensions being raised here and there... and well, with me stuck in between... and there was the other argument between another two parties... with me stuck in between again... I felt really unhappy, and very very uncomfortable... it was a horrible position to be... And one I know won't be the last... We're also currently in this huge revolutionary change, and though I know it'll be for the better of our unit, it is difficult. But I'm willing to give it a shot.

Then came that long chat with my boss again... and I'm glad that I have MAJ Lim as my boss. Haha... he's really very nice, and I know that I can go to him when I have any problems. I also got enlightened quite a fair bit after talking to him, and well, I'm honestly quite thankful I guess. I may be busy, overworked, but at the very least, I know that I'm quite happy where I am.

I need to clear my SOC soon. :) I wanna clear it fast. Haha... Then got one less problem on my hands... though range is really the most pressing problem for me...

Alright, over with my Army happenings... moving on to personal things...
I'm trying my best to not let things affect me, but in some funny way, it still does. I get sad and I wish I could tell her, but she's always busy... and then I realise that there's really no one else that I'd rather tell, so in the end, I just pent it back up inside of myself and make myself become really tired emotionally... sigh... But, I'm still optimistic. I'm happy to be her friend..

I'll be strong for her....

Dear Mandy...

This week was been a relatively ok week, I think... apart from seeing my boss become quite upset with certain things, and a few weird happenings. in camp, things were slightly better... Thus, for the first time in a long time, I shall not write about camp...

On Wednesday, I went out with Kalyn... it was supposed to be dinner actually... we ended up shopping at Far East instead. Had dinner at this Japanese Restaurant at Far East before we took a bus home... the whole way through, we chatted about some things, the past... and also singing... haha... then walked her home... so yep. That was my Bn Nights' Out.

Friday... well, nothing very significant...

Today is Victorians' Day... and well, I had a blast... it felt so like old days... 19th was organising the event, and well, in the end, I helped them with the things.. shifting stocks, doing decor... so from 11am till 1400hrs, I was quite happy to help them. Then the event kick started, and I wondered if I should go back to VS to see Victorian's Day... in the end, I couldn't leave VJC, and I know I ought to be guilty, but thing was, I ended up being relieved instead... I could do mass dance, where people were greatly needed, and I could play floorball, because Jason added me into Sunshine team... and I could help out 19th with some things as and when they needed me... I felt more needed there, and in the end, I was happy with my choice.

I met so many 19th today... Chi Ching mommy, Wendy dear, Lauretta Xue Jie, Harminder, Harish, Kin Fei, Ervin, Pearlyn, Jiahuan, Stephanie, Edward, Izzati, Eugene, Ian Tan, Ian Cheng, Benjamin Tung, Weihan, Li Dan, Tan En and Sadu. And of course, my beloved council... Joanna, Sangeeta, Priya, Li Juan, Hui Zhi, Rachel, Sharon, Zahida, Melissa, Hui Yi, Amy, Jason, Edrei, Sanjay, Deepak, David, Sanjeewa... We were really... really. united... 19th and 20th... and of course, there was Yulan... the only 21st who appeared today...

I wondered...will we still be so committed to Council and VJC as we grow older... will we still be close friends? Or will we just be just like a leaf? Once its term is over, it falls to the ground, just to be blown away by the wind? I realised, that I walked away from VJC with a group of dependable, reliable friends... friends I know I can always rely on to be there... friends I trust so much... friends I treasure. I was happy today.

Nil Sine Labore.

Dear Mandy...

Another week has passed, and it seems to me as though I'm living it a week by a week... And it's really kinda weird to me, because I realise that it becomes increasingly harder for me to keep track of time in general cause I cannot really remember everything that has happened within a week anymore... I'll try to recap...

So far, in camp wise, the most interesting thing that has happened to me must be the fact that CO Conference held on Friday started at 0830 hours till 1630 hours, and I'm not joking... I was struggling to stay awake the moment the CO Conference became the SMS Audit meeting... And the thing is... I have absolutely no idea how detailed my minutes are going to be, because the meeting had a life of it's own... like, a new topic can just literally develop by itself, and I'm left wondering how in the WORLD am I going to write about that point, and then a totally new topic comes out of nowhere, and I'm left trying to grasp where my minutes is going to come from, and how I'm going to handle my minutes. Not fun, I swear.

Then well, I had a friendly chat with my boss, and he praised my batch of officers... well, those that he sees working often I suppose? Me, Gabriel, Meng Kit, Zhiyuan, Maureen, John, etc.. and I really felt quite happy when he did it... and of course, he told me some of my mistakes, and that made me really understand where I needed to improve as a dys3. Well, I really am thankful for such an understanding boss... and also for the really hardworking and meticulous trg spec and ops WO that I have... :)

Now, I'm once again ever thankful for the good friends that I have in camp, of late, Gabriel, Maureen and Zhiyuan... for being there for me, and listening to me, and stuff like that... Gabriel for work related things, Maureen and Zhiyuan for other stuff...

Now, on to things out of camp? Well, I'm beginning to understand how important it is to be unconditionally there for someone you honestly love... as in, it's really surprising how I just wish for her to be happy... and how I'm really willing to take all the unhappiness, as long as she's happy. But it can really be very saddening and disconcerting, to the extent that I end up being melancholy and withdrawn and immersing myself in work, ending up losing track of time, I suppose.. resulting in my present memory lapses. But, I'm pretty certain what I'm doing will eventually result in me being happy, because if it makes her happy... I will be happy too.

Dear Mandy...

I'm afraid I've done something wrong, and I'm afraid that I've lost someone very important to me because I said the wrong thing... I really don't know. I'm paranoid now...

I spend half my day today walking with some of the 22nd around Singapore... from VJC to Bedok Reservoir park to Tampines Mall to Hougang Heartland mall... and it was a last minute on impulse thing that I did... I ended up enjoying the walk, the company, it felt so much like EOCC days... and also because it took my mind off a lot of things that have been pressing on me for the last week or so. I guess I was so lost in the walking and enjoying the moment that I ended up being pretty much over excited, and over tired at the end. My knees started aching like they did after 24km route march, and I guess I know that I pushed myself a tad too hard... but I enjoyed it... that's what's important... it's been sometime since I last enjoyed pushing myself past the limit.

Also, the 7km run with Meng Siong and Syazwan this morning... we ran at a comfortable pace, and we chatted the whole time through, just like old days in VS and VJC... it felt awfully good... Meeting up with friends who I haven't seen for a long time... And it's with two friends who've been with me since Sec 1. I realise how much I appreciate such meetings now...

It does make me wonder about how much time I'll actually have to catch up with my friends once I actually head out to the working world... I'm kind of sad that some of us will definitely drift away, and some will go on their own individual ways, but I guess that the memories we shared are very much important, and they'll always be to me.

Dear Mandy...

Hey... what a week this has been! I've been so busy, I completely forgot which day of the week I was in, and I kept thinking of the wrong things on the wrong dates. I wish I had a nice family back in VJC, but I'm glad for the understanding boss I have, and the committed Officer colleagues that I have.

I was so drained this week.. gosh. Haha... but it's perfectly fine with me... it takes my mind off certain things, and from thinking too much. So I'd really prefer to be drained and just totally hide away in my small little corner in the mess and not be bothered by people. Haha... I can live with being low profile, in fact, I think I'd probably love it... I've really had enough of being known... I'd like to be less well known now... to finally be able to focus on the things I want to...

It sounds like a simple wish right? And it honestly is... I just... I dunno. Haha... it seems kinda impossible for that to happen to me... no matter who I tell of this wish... they'll all say that that won't happen. Haha... I guess that may be true... but I'll try.

I got very disappointed on Wednesday... but I knew better than to let it show. It's no big reason la... just... something. :)

Dear Mandy...

I'm appalled... I think I should hide away... I cannot believe how over confident I think of myself, nor the way of how pushy I actually have become... It's not good... not good at all... Can I be the same me I once was?

I need to be less caring, less sensitive, less emotional and not think so much. I should work until I drop. I shouldn't care abt people.

What should I do?

Dear Mandy...

I've got so much on my mind, I'm bogged! Haha... there's a lot of things I need to do... but then again, I'm still apprehensive about taking a step forward and talking to higher authorities... Though I am glad about the very nice superiors that I have.

VS130.... haha... the organising committee for the VS 130th Anniversary Dinner... I'm looking forward to having a blast being the YOUNGEST member of the committee... Hee... It's like organising a mass scale gala dinner, quite like Council days, but I'd have to balance it with my work, and also, all the up and coming activities that my S3 has put me in as well, though I'm happy that 2 of the 3 major activities will be over by 16th Feb o6... haha. I think it'd be a good experience... and a good learning event for me. I know that I may complain a bit, but I believe in the end, I will be happy I joined. :)

I have my IPPT to clear, my SOC to clear... My Combat shoot is coming up... sighhhh... Haha... I see my responsibilities all coming up, and I'm slightly overwhelmed by everything I have to do... Haha... It's a good challenge though, and now I guess I understand why Dy S3 is not an easy job. Then again, any role is never easy, and until you fully grasp it, you won't enjoy it... but up till now, I think I quite like my job, save the fact that I need to find some time to run... maybe I ought to wake up earlier... haha...

Valentine's day or in my case, friendship day is coming up. Haha... happy Friendship day, everyone. I think I'll have SMS Audit that very day. Sadly... haha... but then again, there's no one special that I have to do anything for though, and well, if you honestly ask me... haha... nvm... personal thought.

I went up to NTU for the 2nd time in 2 months on Thursday, and I met Jessamyn, Maggie, Wenting, Jacqueline Seng, Sara and Tingting... haha... and Maggie and Wenting started joshing me about remembering Lily Chan and Xinhui... dunno la... haha... but they seem pretty stressed with Uni... not having enough time for themselves, and things like that... but I'd honestly like to try it out...

I don't know what to do with my life... haha... I guess I get that a lot.

Dear Mandy...

It's now CNY... how fast time has flown... I'm already close to 2 months in 30SCE... It really felt pretty surreal... u know... about how I'm supposed to be already ingrained into the lifestyle of 30 SCE, to know pretty much what I'm supposed to know, and yet... I'm still trying... you know? There's still DOO duties to be familiar with... and there's still so many up and coming events, including my IPPT and SOC to clear, that I honestly feel like there's so much more I need to do to make myself more proficient... I'll keep trying. :)

On a separate note... I really need to re find my place in almost everywhere... What do I want to be, and what do I want to achieve? It's been so long since I've last contemplated that thought... I feel... as I always say... like a great big pea rattling around in a pan with other peas, not knowing where I belong of fit in... yeah. That pretty sums up my feelings... haha... oh don't get me wrong, I may be afraid of faulting or not making things happen, but I am still thankful for the challenges.

Life is funny sometimes... and yes, I'm beginning to just like this line in the Sonnets: The sun itself sees not till the heavens clear... if you people know what I'm talking about.. :)

Dear Mandy...

Have you ever felt like you're not good enough for somebody? I feel that all the time... It's not really so much if I'm a good friend or not, I think I make an above average friend... It's whether I'm good enough for the girl of my dreams...

I'm not saying I have someone in mind... it's just... I've never seen myself as being a perfect boyfriend for my special someone. I have my flaws... and it's not something I'm proud to say I have... I'd like, very much, to be that sweet, loving, wonderful boyfriend that all the girls that are happily attached say about their boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't live up to the expectations of my special someone... I try... so so hard sometimes... but it's not always enough...

You know? I want to always be there for my special someone... to be able to protect her from harm and the harsh realities of the world... to be her strength, her support... to be her superman? Haha... that's a literal term... but I'm not all that. How can I be? I'm restricted... I'm a workaholic... I'm so much contradicting what I want to be for my special someone... I don't even know if I have the courage to tell my special someone that I feel something more than just friends towards her...

Haha... 4 failed relationships, and I place the blame on myself, because if I had been able to do more, perhaps it wouldn't be 4 failed relationships, but one wonderful, meaningful one... I'm afraid I've lost the capacity to take that kind of pain anymore, u know? It's to the extent that... well... I'm just happy to... to be seen and not overseen? As in... that as long as she's happy, and she's still in contact with me... I guess I'll be happy for her as well... Maybe I won't even want to get attached anymore... because... I'm not certain I can bring my special someone happiness anymore...

It's just a few thoughts that went through me when I watched "Sweet November" and "A Cinderella story"... it just sets me thinking, you know?

Dear Mandy...

It's the long CNY break now, and I could really use the breather... haha... everyone's busy this time of year. Be it school, or army... things are pretty hectic around this time.

The new applications for the VJC 23rd SC have came in... and so are the Musicfest forms! Haha... everything's picking up once again, and pretty soon, it's going to be the match support season! I can't wait to go down to the matches that are coming up! To cheer, and revel in the supporting phase... SO MUCH FUN!!!

Haha... alright... got nothing else to say le... will write more when I'm in the mood...

Dear Mandy...

I'm so touched by a testimonial I just received online...

"Friendship is never an accident. It is always the result of high intentions, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution. It represents the wise choice of many alternatives. This guy understood every bit of that and i am thankful to have such a fren... heez..=) Take care ya? Seeya soon!!!"
-Jasmine

It's awfully sweet and simple... yet touching and really really... it's one of my most favourite testimonials by far! Actually...it's easily one of my top 2 most favourite and most meaningful testimonials... Jasmine's and Kristy mei's... :) I'm awfully thankful for them... especially Jasmine's testimonial, cause I've hardly done anything much for her... So... thank you Jas... :)

On a separate note.. CNY is coming... wow... so fast... and then, and then... it'd be Valentine's Day! Haha... I guess it's going to be another lonely day. :)
I love me friends.

Dear Mandy...

I now understand why people are workaholics... I think I'll become one before time... When I'm out of the office, and someone calls me, and it's Army related, I can get all flustered, and wish I was back in the office with all my things around me... and well... it does stop me from thinking about a lot of other things... and I'm definitely more focused...

And yet, it is draining... I am very tired at the end of the day, and it is all I can do before I lie on the bed as one of the earliest people in the bunk to sleep... Haha.. so unlike me right? I find that no matter how many hours of sleep i get.. I'm not rested enough the next day to be fulling awake the entire day in the office... but I digress...

I find joy in going to NTU to find people... friends... haha... and It's nice... really... to be able to find someone non-army related... where for that 2 hours plus, you are just... you... even in Uniform... can u believe? I forget I'm in uniform when I was there! Haha... I almost reverted to myself if it wasn't for the fact that I'm green and the others are not! Haha..

Goshz... I'll end here... haha...

Dear Mandy...

I was in VJC all alone in the Council room when I came across our old SDD file... I sat down, and started flipping through the file, and suddenly, I felt transported back in time, to 2003/2004... to being an active VJC Councillor. And that feeling... that... adrenaline rush! That nostalgia... I almost broke down right there and then... as I thought back on every single event, every single activity that we'd been through together as Councillors of the 20th Students' Council.

It's so sad? That our Council all go our own separate ways... but I do believe... someday, we'll all be back together again... but never a full council. I believe strongly abou that... that someday... :)

Dear Mandy...

Isn't it funny how everything is actually ambiguous, but it all depends on personal opinion to make it seem not ambiguous? Haha... I mean, it's perfectly alright to take a side, but if you look at it, and be neutral about it, you realise that actually, you can see that the truth lies that it can go either way... for every one thing, there is an opposite... I remember Newton's laws of forces... For every force exerted there is an equal and opposite force... try using that in real life... :)

Well, I've been thinking and thinking a lot of late, whenever I am awake, alert and free... about lots and lots of things... and if you ask me... I have absolutely no idea why I'm thinking so much either! Haha... it's weird, but a sort of calm weird cause I'm thinking of things that are related to me.. that may make me a better person, that may make my life slightly better, but I digress. Haha...

I've never felt so miffed before... haha... two good juniors of mine who confirmed the movie of Elizabethtown on thurs, just cancelled it yesterday! So sad!! :( Haha... but nvm... things like this always happen. So, yep! I'm used to it!

I sent my mei off to NYU today, and it was such a huge party there... haha. But I'm sad to see her go.. she's been such a good friend.... :) Haha... I like talking to her... haha..

Alright... that's all for now... may write more later if I start contemplating even more things... haha... so yep. Later!