Heyz Mandy...

Well, a lot has happened of late... let's see what happened... :p

Sports day... leading up to it was 5 days of intensive and time-wasting cheerleading practice... oh well... not that I would have bothered udner normal circumstance, but the fact that there was a Maths test that Saturday, I got kinda pissed off anywayz... yeahz... Luckily my partner was Jacinth... otherwise, I may have just erupted... :P

Anywayz, the training paid off when we clinched 2nd for CHeerleading Comp... but unfortunately, Pegasus came in last for the VJC Annual Sports meet.... hehe... u win some u lose some... ran 4 * 400m as well, but unfortunately, we came in last too... ran my best... but felt I could have done much much better... Anywayz, thanks to my angel who noted my unhappiness and came to find me, and spent the whole time with me... I really appreciate everything that you've done for me... From the time you came to look for me until the time you left... Every little detail... :) Still stays within me.

Maths test went okayz, but of course, there were the little flaws that me, being me, was prone to making... but oh wellz... no place for regrets, will have to work harder... but of course, I'll also have to hope with all my heart that the teachers don't decide to put the test immediately after a huge event... yeahz....

Yesterday we had a looong meeting about the restructure of Council... I ended up leaving hyperly pissed off, and thinking about what Bryan told me... haha... in a sense, and ironically, he has a point... oh well... what can I do or say... I'm stepping down in abt less than a month... I shall just do what I can, in the hope that 21st will buck up, and everything else that goes along with it...

Okayz, that's it for now... will update more next time. :)

Heyz Mandy...

Been sometime... and well, I'm becoming more and more disappointed with the way things are becoming... I mean... I'm already trying my utmost best to do what I can sometimes... and when things don't go well, I do get pissed off... and what some people can do, is just say that I got pissed off again, because that's just me, and say things like how they don't see how my getting pissed off can get anything done. I mean, they didn't even do anything to help out, and all they can do is comment and comment and comment... okay, so some people who tried to help did tell me to relax more often, get less pissed... but seriously speaking... I really feel like not committing to Council anymore. I mean, what's the point? I feel like I'm giving my all, losing all my personal time to a cause I dedicated myself to, for serving the school, and in the end, it just ends off with Councillors who are letting go because 21st has become more active, because of personal, ugly reasons that they harbour... how ironic...

Now, Siva has taken the optional idea... so now, pple can just come if they want to, and if they don't, then just do it ourselves... I really think no point making ourselves worried about attendance and committment anymore... it's just one more added problem I don't have the energy and the capacity to border over... it's easier to do things yourself.

Dear Mandy...

Heyz... I really feel hyperly out of place... haha... no matter where I go... in Council too... and I dunno... bu I feel like there's nothing much I can do except just carry on with life... heard a lot of things from people who I talked to yesterday, and it really got me thinking... about a lot fo things... about 20th, and some other stuff.

Looking at my previous entry, I suddenly feel that a lot of things can never be an idealistic case... it's like... I realised that I always believed that every single Councillor joined Council with some intention to serve Victoria... that word... VICTORIA, the epitome of my existence in Council. But as I look at the attitudes that some of us are adopting now... I'm seriously seeing for myself the true colours of certain people. How ironic... we have not even stepped down yet, and already we are acting like we are. Has everyone forgotten that we still have to guide 21st? Or have they already taken that their term of being in 20th is finally over, they have their personal time now? I seriously wonder... what did being a Councillor mean to some people, and how much was your intention to serve prevalent over your own personal reasons? True, without a doubt, throughout our term, people were committed, people served... but now that 21st is gradually taking over our duties, does it mean that we should have every reason to stop our work, to stop doing our work, to stop doing things in general? Look at something simple like Welfare Room duty, for example... enough said... We keep telling 21st to buck up, to put in more committment, to be exemplary Councillors... let me pose a question: Are we setting the example for them? I guess the answer will definitely vary from person to person, so yeah... I shan't comment. In fact, I know that I probably don't have the right to ask that question to everyone directly, because, like a lot of people would disagree, and continue arguing, saying that a lot of things come first... that 21st should be smart enough to know things, they should buck up themselves... but well, we should think about ourselves first. Evaluate ourselves first. I try so darn hard to set an example for them... but... nvm. People will just say I'm letting my emotions get the better of me anyway, no point. Well, I'm sorry for saying all these out to you, Mandy, but I seriously don't know how else to say things... because since nobody will agree/listen to them anyway, I can only turn to you.

Today, Jacob and Siva brought up the box to collect the Councillors letters to each other, to like, tell each other how we feel... and I have a lot to say... because as individuals, we all are special... but well... I dunno. The idea seems to have lost its impact on me... and I'm surprised that it has... though I still do support the idea and everything, but honest words from my heart are: I've lost all feeling from my heart for now, except to a special person. Give me some time to heal and get back my heart's feelings before I say anything else, but now, my heart seems to be filled with bitterness and a lot of hurt and pain... Haha... wonder how long I've kept all these feelings bottled up inside of me... perhaps... too long... yeahz... and now at the end of the term, I just gotta find some avenue to let it out... sorry Mandy.... yeahz... but thank you.

Shall end off here... see you.

Dear Mandy...
Back in the computer lab for GP, and surprisingly, I'm beginning to see things from an alternate point of view... suddenly out of the blue, I'm beginning to grow more and more unhappy at the things that are happening with regards to lessons, and Council. Its's like, I feel like as though I'm losing my patience, and getting tired out more easily... Let me see...

I feel like I've reached saturation point for lessons now... so so sick and tired of everything that is going on... taking time off to be alone and have personal thoughts is so difficult, and well, everything is going at a pace that is so frightfully fast, that keeping up seems to be all that I'm doing every single day... time to rest is lost, and now, I can't even control my attention span in class. It just seems as though I can only sit there, but I'm only physically there... I'm not there mentally... and I end up falling asleep against my will... the need to replenish my lack fo sleep is such a huge urge... and well... this can't keep up, but I'm afraid that it already has... I don't want a repeat of last year's falling ill just before Promos, and doing badly again... but what can I do? Everyday there's something new that disallows me to even call in sick... thankfully, the illnesses that I have been facing are relatively minor, and in a few days, I'll automatically heal and be back on my feet,.... but how much longer can my body keep up with this mental torture? I seriously am in doubt.

Okayz... and now, I dunno. I mean, when the year began and we had that major thrashing out session with 20th, everything went smoothly... it actually was FUN doing things, even if it was like, dirty work? But now... where has all that commitment gone to? Where is everyone's sense of belonging, and are people still looking out for each other, or are they just there for the sake of being there? There's so many things going on, and I can only stand and watch and stare, because I've come to realise that I don't belong in the Council... I just don't fit in. I don't know if it was my being myself that caused this... little... I don't know, feeling to have grown and bred inside of me, until now, it's extremely unbearable? It's so ironic... because I can safely say that people don't listen... yeahz... and though I agree that I'm also partly at fault, and guilty of that particular trait too, but all the differing opinions of Councillors in 20th have seriously turned against us. Add on the fact that there's a lot of animosity that is being kept under the carpet, just not being said out, says alot about people. I guess that a lot of us just want to end off our term happily? But I seriously am tired of everything... I'll tell you more next time, Mandy...

Thank goodness I still have my dear angel (my junior). Without her, I'm afraid that I would have broken down a long time ago.