POCARI SWEAT run 2013

Dear Mandy,

The details:

16/06/2013
Pocari Sweat Run 2013 10km
Distance: 10km
Time: 1h 11min 50secs

I was slower than my expected timing of 1h 10mins, but I guess I know where I went wrong. Silly me started way too quickly, covering the first 5km in 32minutes when normally I would hit
close to 35 mins instead. And it was kinda funny because at the start of the run, the first 7km, I was still quite relaxed, especially when I reached the 7km mark at about 46 minutes to go... Then, the last 3km, I slowed down very much, to the extent that I was walking literally, and when I hit the last 1km, I was at a timing of 1h 4mins... And it was a little bit disconcerting, to say the least...? But I cannot deny I ran with much effort, for at thr post 8km mark, my arms actually felt heavy... Signs of physicsl exertion? And unlike sundown marathon, my legs actually are aching a fair bit and threatening to cramp up!

And yet, the Lord spoke during and after the run... During the run, at the 6km mark, this song came into my mp3 player: 'blue skies' by Point of Grace, and the lyrics on the last page.

The Lord used this song to remind me of a devotional that I did earlier this week, that no matter what circumstances or sutuations I find myself in, God is always with me. Amazingly, this song sings that God is blue skies, and we should keep looking up to see God.. This morning's devotional tells me that
God is the creator of everything, and Blue Skies represent God because God created them! And just as I made the roundabout u-turn in the midst of this song, I was presented with a magnificent ciew of the Singapore flyer with a blue sky, and a strong breeze from the Lord... I know God was there with me, for wind always represents that the Lord is there with me every step of the way. It led me to run a good 1km till the 7km mark.

Of course, everything spiralled after the 7km mark, and at the end of it all, as I walked to the car, God spoke to me about a verse and reminded me of the book I am reading now, "Relentless" by John Bevere.

The verse is 2 Timothy 4:7, which says "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
And the quote from the book says "how you begin is not nearly as important as how you finish."

And as I reflected on these nuggets that God gave me, I realised that it is linked to how this particular run went... I
started extremely well, but faltered at the end, which is really when it matters most. Well, i did finish it, but I could have done much better had I paced myself better at the start. And that's the funny truth.

So, it was a good run with God, but it was also one frought with many learning lessons.. =)

Of Rules and Men

I have been reading Philip Yancey's "Grace Notes", and yesterday and today, he was talking about the life of Leo Tolstoy. You can find out more through Wikipedia, but to sum it up, he was a man who had a sudden spiritual awakening in the 1870s and started to live life radically, with an attempt to live by the Sermon on the Mount. He came up with several rules and regulations on how he should live his life, and many a time, failing to live up to it, which devastated him on several accounts. Unfortunately, in so doing, he jeopardized not just his own life, but those of his family as well. His wife, and his 13 children.

It made me think.

Humans make the rules, and they themselves complicate matters when they go to severe extremes. I find it quite ironic actually.
It was Gandhi, ironically, one person inspired by Tolstoy's works who actually said this:

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

It made me really think and wonder why he would have said what he said. One may discount these words were it to be a layman or a common passerby, but by one of the world's greatest thinkers and peace advocates, it must say a lot, doesn't it?

Along the way, have we become overly bounded by rules, stifled by stigmas and tied down by culture that we have forgotten about the freedom of choice and the joy of loving the Lord with our hearts, minds and souls? Even Jesus himself summarised the whole Commandmants to be two: to love God, and to love people.

It seems simple, isn't it? But attaining it does seem to be tough.

Along the way, as people forget that we are people who are learning to love and continual work in progress, we put in certain rules and guidelines that otherwise justify the way we are supposed to love. And hence, the general guidelines that Paul says love should be in 1 Corinthians 13 become extrapolated to become a suffocating set of rules that have good intentions, but implicit conformity.

Of course, people may say that the Bible too gave specific examples of love? "And this is love, that we will lay our lives down for another". That is an ideal level of love, which I am believing will be the ideal state that we hope to achieve. Truth is... when the tyre meets the road? How many of us will be able to say that?

I am inclined to believe, as a linguist and looking at culture and context, there aren't too many situations where we will lay our lives down for others.

In today's context, there are many other ways where we can "lay our lives" down for our brothers and sisters. Supporting them in times of need and sadness, helping them when they need it, and giving that ever comforting touch or encouragement when they need it.

And yet, there is also a loophole.

If you had to make a choice to lay your life down for two people at the same time, which would you choose? The one you are closer to, or the one you are not so close to?

Do the rules state it?

Of course not.

Then people will put in rules, and in different cultures, the rules would change.

In other words, rules are good, but people who put in a rule for everything under the sun border on two different categories: those that want to always be in control, and those that want to always be sure they are doing right. The question then, is, who is right?

Perhaps someone can give me some insight into this. Because I for one am starting to question what I am living for if I were to follow all the rules and regulations that are put in place because of human fallacy. Or should I sarcastically say, people who aim for ideals and forget that humans are fallible.

It has been long...

Dear Mandy,

It has been very long since I last wrote to you. And it has really been quite a roller coaster ride. Amazingly, this is my first post this year, and I can imagine as how language death gradually occurs? I can foresee that my blog death may have inadvertently begun. How quaint. =)

I am learning to balance, trying not to struggle.
Maybe my "a pea rolling around in a great big pan with many other peas" moment again?

I reread a post I wrote years ago that Jasmine Goh linked on her blog... and it made me wonder.
The expectations of people vs what you feel and know vs what God says is right.
They can be different, and yet, they can be the same.

Does age and spiritual maturity necessarily mean being able to hear God better?
That's the question that I'm seeking to know too...

Stardust

Dear Mandy,

 

I just watched "Stardust". Yes.. it is a very old show, but a really good one, and I kind of wonder why I didn't watch it earlier, considering the DVD has been with me for almost 3 years! But I didn't regret watching it, and for the first time in quite some time, it is a story that left me with many thoughts, and some wonderful revelations as well.

 

Some background story? The lead actor, Tristan, is the son of a human being as well as the sister of the King of Stormhold (a place of magic where witches and magic live) who had been put into slavery by a witch. While young Tristan was trying to woo the heart of Victoria, the King of Stormhold ventured to find the heir to his throne by having them find a diamond and make it into a ruby through royal blood. In so releasing the diamond, it knocks the Evening Star out of space to Stormhold. It is this falling star that causes Tristan to find out his roots and history, and using the Babylon candle, get to the evening star, otherwise known as Yvaine. However, Yvaine not only possesses the diamond, the witches are also after her for the heart of a star will cause everlasting life and youth and beauty. Michelle Pfeiffer sets off on a mission to get the fallen star to their home so that they can devour Yvaine's heart and be young again.

Upon many twists and turns, the story eventually blossoms to one of how true love gradually unfolds. Here, I share the clip where Yvaine confesses her love for Tristan.



I must admit that the words that Yvaine speaks touched a chord in my heart. Forget Claire Danes and her amazing ability for monologues and for the viewers to feel her emotions through just looking at her face and hearing her speak? But I realise it is this kind of untainted love that people are seeking but hardly very finding. Yes, love is a choice, which is all too evident when Yvaine says that love is unconditional? But it also balances out the emotions, when she says that "it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing."

Perhaps that is the essence of true love? It is a choice to nurture, sustain and grow the emotions.
She goes on to say her heart can barely contain the emotions.. "like it doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion, nothing but knowing you love me too. Just your heart in exchange for mine."
And perhaps that is one of the best personifications of love? A willingness to commit, a willingness to give to each other, knowing that there is a safe haven to share, to love, and to trust.

Very elusive for us today I guess?

 

But perhaps, it isn't really that far away too? Yvaine goes through her fair share of hurt when a wrong message is conveyed to her that Tristan has gone back to Victoria, his one true love? And that could be the case with some relationships in the world today. We choose not to trust our partners, but to listen to the words, the suggestions, the advice, the inputs from people without first discerning what is the most applicable to us. A safe route isn't necessarily the best route at times? But that being said, it would be foolish to tread a road without much consideration for a well nurtured growth of emotions and feelings.

I long for a love like Yvaine's and Tristan's. 

And I know, that story, is probably in God's plan for me. =)

Someday, I too, will have that beautiful story.

In conclusion, as Joyce's maid-of-honour said yesterday?

"We should all believe that fairy tales come true. Because Joyce's childhood dream of being married has been fulfilled today."

=) I will believe.

Searching for the ever elusive victory within

Dear Mandy,

As I sat pondering at my new cubicle in school (yes! I got my own seat now!), I can't help but wonder what it is that makes us who we are. There are, well, many definitions of who we should be. Some say we should be an all-achiever - go for the best in everything we do. Some say we should carpe diem, seize the day! Others say we should just enjoy life for what it's worth. But... these are opinions, thoughts... they may not be what we embrace as who we are. They may be ways to succeed in society, or to cope with the everyday stresses of life. But they may not be the true challenge that we innately seek to overcome.

Wait. Did somebody say challenge? Yes. As human beings, we love to overcome, because it piques our confidence. When we successfully dig out boots in and overcome an obstacle, we get a confidence boost. We want to aim higher, run faster, and then suddenly, we run out of steam. Or we get complacent. Or, in the worst case scenarios, we fail. And then, we throw in the towel, we give up. And for those who never get out of the shadow of the pain or the mode of self-pity, their once shining light gradually dims and waits, anxiously, for a chance to shine again.




And that reminds me of this clip about quicksand - facing our fears.
If we don't admit our fears, we'll never be able to face them head on. In this case, well, some background about this movie? A team of replacement players were put together to win 3 games in 4 weeks because the original team went on strike due to insufficient wage demands. Sounds similar to something that happened recently, but i digress.
And so, the coach, McGinty opens the floor to his players to share their deepest fears.
The quarterback, Shane Falco, played by Keanu Reeves, shares about quicksand - after an amusing tirade about spiders and bees.

In his explanation about quicksand, Falco states that he is afraid of messing up the game, because one mistake leads to a consecutive fall into subsequent ones - like you're sinking slowly into quicksand.

In short, everyone of us are afraid of messing up. We are afraid there is no second chance.. or we are afraid to give second chances. So we tread everything carefully, and we forget for what we live our lives for. Personal dogmas are sidelined, beliefs take a back seat, and above all else, we lose who we are in the process.




The thing is, it is possible to face our fears, and live life the way we want it to, when we have someone alongside, as in here, when Andrew asks Margaret to marry him.
See.. they're both scared. They're complete opposites. And 3 days ago, Andrew loathed Margaret.

It would be so much easier to just walk away.
But they just... can't.
Because well, there's that possibility that they could be making the biggest mistakes of their lives in walking away, and because what happened in those 3 days in Alaska made them realise how much they really like each other.

The ever elusive victory within is when you hold on tightly to something you believe in, and you refuse to let go. You may be scared, but you take steps to overcome it. You may not always succeed, but you don't lose yourself when you don't.

I'm not saying fears are easy to overcome.
I'm not saying that it is easy to live life the way we want it to.
I'm just saying that with God, all things are possible.
We just need to believe and take a huge step of faith forwards.
Then perhaps, everything will change. =)

Marathon Musings

Dear Mandy,

I ran the Nike WeRunSG 10km run last Sunday, and this morning, I conquered the Adidas King of the Road 16.8km run today.

And it is funny, because a marathon is something that you have to pace yourself well. Know when to rest, when to chiong, when to maintain your pace... and it is so similar to life.

Over the weekend, a question that reverberated in my mind after sermon is simply this: How much do I love the Lord?

And as I ran the Adidas KOTR this morning, I experienced the joy of having someone run/walk with me throughout the journey. It reminded me clearly that the Lord walks with me, even in the times when I feel like giving up, and especially in the times when I feel that I can't make it. =)
I think God is awesome.

I posted the above on my facebook wall, and I think it's just so apt?

Many a time, we ask ourselves, or rather, I ask myself "How much do I love God"?

But have I ever stopped to consider that I can never match the love that the Lord has for me? Whether I know it or not, He always walks with me. And I pale so much in comparison to what He has done for me on the cross.

It makes me wonder.

^"19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

- Matthew 28:19-20

This is a similar verse to what was preached over the weekend... I really stopped to ponder. But truly, God's promise is that He is always with us. And if He is always with us, it's like, He's this friend? That whether you know it or not is always walking beside you. He paces you... because He knows best. I had a good pacer today who helped me see that.

And the thing is this. Can people see Jesus in you?

Preach the Gospel... how about seeing it in a lighter way? Introduce the friend that is always with you. That friend, is Jesus.

Some musings

Dear Mandy,

Somehow, this year has been a year of random musings, but also a year of struggles? Somehow, the church theme every year never fails to amaze me when I do my milestone marker checks, and this time is not any different either. The year of Sabbath cause me to draw so much nearer to God, because there was ample time to read His Word and spend time in His presence... and in the year of an Extreme Disciple, it's a lot of dying to self and being challenged for time, and struggling with multiple issues that seem to come one after another.

And then I wonder.

I placed this as my FB status just a while ago:
"In life, we learn, adapt and apply.

We are all unique, so see every one as an unique individual.
We are all special, so see every one with their maximised potential.
We are all people, so see every one with lens of compassion.

I sometimes wonder... =)"

And they really stem across from a talk I had with my VP yesterday, as well as certain things that I've observed... In the helter-skelter way of the world, and of how the expectations have come down severely on several areas, I am left wondering how else do we see the world? It led me to wonder as I was driving to school in the morning, if I'd lost that inner tranquility and serenity that I have inside of me... and I find that scary.

The last time I lost that inner tranquility and serenity, God decided to send me to Canada for exchange. It made me miss Canada badly..

But then again, with the need for change as stated in the earlier "Sandra Dee' entry, as well as the increasing expectations that seemingly enfold me, I found solace in a simple chat with my VP, of which the details I am not going to disclose here. In essence, what she shared, I resonated with. Across the other sphere of the ocean, I'm not sure it may be the same mindset and perspective.

And yet, that led me to think of the concept of individual and family. We are all individuals that are created uniquely and differently by the Lord... but... at the same time, we are also people who should not live in isolation but in community. And within a community, as Sociology experts will tell you, there are certains social norms, mores, cultures and taboos that exist within every community.

The question I am pondering about is: when we are part of a community do we conform or do we be ourselves.

Ideally, we reach the middle point. We are who we are while assimilating into a culture. Happens most of the time. But in our attempt to be who we are, there are different thresholds of acceptance and tolerance for different cultures. And yet, in different cultures, there are different degrees of compliance and adaptation to do. I find myself straddled in between in many different spheres of my life. And it is a rather scary thought process, and one that I find even more marred.

At the end of encounter, I walked away knowing that in anything, I want to live to please God alone. Easier said than done. My personality is a more accommodating and easy-going one.. but I still am human with my own frustrations and my underlying "wounded tiger will bite" kind of reservation and acceptance.
And when I started wondering "what's wrong with me?", I started to be very concerned and worried.

I may have lost the essence of who I am.

And that? Truly is scary.

Goodbye to Sandra Dee...

Dear Mandy,



If you know Grease, then you'll definitely know this clip and what happens after.

I don't know. With a recent spate of events and all, I can't help but feel like there're so many things that I need to relook at and all.

And just like Sandy...
It could mean a complete overhaul.

The only difference, Sandy is sure of the overhaul that she has to make.
I on the other hand... I have my reservations? I don't know if it is a pride thing, or it is a stubbornness thing...? But to overhaul... it is scary.

Needless to say, I am scared.
Needless to say, I am confused.
Needless to say... I am upset, and my heart feels like it weighs a ton.

And yet....
I trust that the Lord will turn my tears into something good. =)
And so,
"Goodbye to Sandra Dee.."

Term 3 has ended...

Dear Mandy,

I have completed my first term as a teacher... and am duly amazed at how the Lord has worked in my life.

Sure there have been ups and downs in my time at AMKSS as a teacher... Times where I feel I didn't conduct a good lesson, times when I feel I didn't engage the class enough, times when I feel that my class management could have been a whole lot better. And times when I feel that I did a really good job.

I guess the students are the best gauge. And other than the fact that some students asked me to be more firm and to give them more hands on work, I find myself realising the need to toggle between the two extremes - a teacher-centered approach and a student-centered approach. But that takes time to gel.

All in all, I am just thankful. =)

He turns your fears into unexpected joy..

Dear Mandy,

I just collected my gown, my transcript and my GESL records... and was surprised at my GESL report. Amazingly, I had received an "Exceeding Expectation" for all the areas of the GESL evaluation, and these were from feedback from my group members as well as my supervisor... And I could only thank God?

Throughout the duration of the GESL project, honestly, I felt that I could have done so much better. Especially after the initial programme of the terrarium towards the CNY Spring Cleaning, that period was at my all time low, and we were running on minimal manpower, I had to call in NYP Primers to help balance out the numbers, and even then, we had many last minute arrangements to make. It was a challenge to balance out the role of being the GESL leader, while at the same time ensuring that things flow, and running everything, while looking after NYP in the capacity that I had. I prayed a lot too.

So when I see my GESL grade, I could only... well... thank God?
It really is quite true when you look at it and then you realise that what you thought was horrible, when you commit your actions to the Lord and your heart seeks to bring Him glory, somehow He will bless.

I remember the verse that He gave me ever since I started being a teacher earlier this year:

Proverbs 3:3-4 (NIV)

^"3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
    bind them around your neck,
    write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
    in the sight of God and man. "

Truly... when I serve God in whatever capacity I can with the right attitude and heart, the Lord does bless. GESL meant so much to me because I was leading a group of dynamic individuals, and I was also doing something to bless the community. That, in all its essence and honesty, started off as a step of faith and obedience, and it became a blessing.When I remain faithful to the Lord, and as I do what I do out of love, the Lord will turn my fears into unexpected joy.

The entire GESL project was truly a journey of faith with my God.

And my God never fails. =)

Praise God.

Some Random Thoughts...

Dear Mandy,

I guess that even as the time has passed by so quickly, I stop to wonder about many things. Some I wish I could share openly here, others I'm happy to share, and the rest somewhat either confuses me or saddens me.

Life is like that.
A kaleidoscope of varying emotions, situations and conclusions.
And we sometimes don't really have a foothold on them.

But I guess that when we don't have a foothold on them, it becomes very clear that there are things that are just out of our control.
God says in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans He has for us. And His plans are to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future.
And that gives me great comfort. =)

But truth be told...
I doubt life was meant to be that messy to begin with.
I've always thought that life with God would have a clear picture.
But I find myself looking forward to my break, and yet wishing I don't have to go because I have much to clear.. and in that, I find myself torn.

How ironic. On the brink of my holiday, and all I'm thinking about is how confused I am and the amount of work that I need to get done.
But... my holiday is time between God and I.
So I will take it.

Simply because I need to draw near to God.
So holiday, here I come. =)

Some Post-Practicum Thoughts

Dear Mandy,

Practicum ended last Friday, and if anything, it was a very challenging and steep learning curve, but one that I left fraught with much emotion, purpose, and questions in my mind. Positive and negative alike.

I guess the greatest impact made on me were by the students. I absolutely love 3-3 and 3A1, and who can compare to my ever wonderful 2-3? I guess as I reflected on my lessons with them, I know that my motivation to improve as a teacher is because I want to see these children excel. To see them do well beyond their expectations, and to find confidence in their abilities above any other. They are people of potential, and they are beloved children of God, and I am quietly anticipative to know how well they'll fare.

Of course, I thank God that I'm in a very cooperative and helpful English Department! My CTs, Han Tong and Mrs. Hairul are amazing, and I think I like working in the environment that aids in nurturing and developing their personnel. I guess I really thank God for the favour that He has blessed me with? And with the kids and with the teachers, I realise that it is unmerited favour, and definitely not one to be taken lightly.

Then, there are the lessons themselves and the CCA that I'm taking.. much to learn, much to improve.

But then, a few questions come into my mind.
What can I do to improve myself as a teacher so that I can improve them as people. Syllabus development vs wholistic education is an ongoing debate that will hardly ever end, and so it is with much thought that I daresay this... Do what benefits the students most. Wholistic education merged with syllabus development is never easy, but I guess that it can be done.

That being said, this practicum period has really taught  me much, but it also showed me that I need to start being realistic. I cannot run the way I used to, and if I am called to teach, then I need to make concession and arrange my priorities in different ways and manners. I'm still praying and asking God to illuminate the way for me in certain areas, but in the same way, I also see my character flaws, and I'm also asking the Lord to change me to be more like Him.

I am tired though.. I think that it's been a long 10 weeks, and there is a need to take a breather before I bounce back into the fray. =)

Many thoughts, little time... or is it?

Dear Mandy,

So many thoughts and questions that keep going in my head... Some are redundant, some recalcitrant, and it kind of makes me wonder... "How come I don't have time to sit down and reflect about these questions and come to an astute solution?"

Imagine my surprise when God gently chided me... "Child, you didn't make time."

How ironic, isn't it? We always claim we don't have time, but we forget that we ourselves determine how we use the time that we have on our hands.

Many a time, we are afraid to use the time for what it's really worth. I know that the bulk of my time recently have been to do lesson plans or to complete marking assignments... on top of that... there's of course, time for rest and time for food. We tend to forgo the latter, and not really the former.

So I guess I was pleasantly surprised when I realised that I was ahead of my lesson planning (cheers).
Only to be brought back to earth thereafter, realising that my marking has piled up (no-cheers).
And the multiple other administrative stuff that I have to do, such as chase homework (goodness).
It's never ending, and it never stops.

So we keep running as though we are built on the world's toughest steel that will never wear or tear.
In my dreams.

We are human beings. We are meant to rest. We are called to be still and know that He is God.

And yet... I somehow find that God gets compartmentalised very quickly when the going gets tough.
I think it's because I know He understands, so I compartmentalise.

I should re-evaluate myself. =)

Simplicities

Dear Mandy..

Somewhere along the way... life got complicated.

I feel sometimes like I don't understand myself. =)
Or rather... I'm trying to understand myself, but often find myself short.

So... I feel like there are times when I try too hard to be understood.
Perhaps there's not much reason to be.

Then you suddenly realise.
Life is complicated because we choose to make it complicated.

Live simply so that others may simply live...

Random thoughts that go through my mind.
I'm surprised.

I guess as humans, we sometimes hope against all hope that we are appreciated and affirmed.
And we lament we don't get appreciated and affirmed enough.
I'll go the other way.

Perhaps we are affirmed and appreciated enough. Just not the way we expect it to be.
Or not the way we receive it, as Gary Chapman says.

A heart tug.
I think I found the term. =)
Or maybe a gravitated heart?
Hmm... nah. Too abstract.

And then I go one fullll circle...
And just simply say "oh. whatever. Que Sera Sera." =)

Dear Mandy,

There come several times in life when you realise that you're really taking on too much, and then you start to break down.

I remember in JC, Year 1... the week of the Promotional Examinations, it was raining daily, and as Councillors, we have to do morning duty. When it rains, we'd have to don these big yellow raincoats, and set up cones, and direct traffic so that the students coming to school can be dropped off quickly and effectively. As one of the councillors who're early, I'd always be one of those who'd start setting up the wet weather routes, and then hand over to the Councillors who are on duty when they come... I remember one particular day, when the Councillors were all late, and it were just 3 to 4 of us on duty. No Councillor came to help, even though we had called for help... In the end, our seniors came down to take over, and when I went up to the Council room all haggard and exhausted and wet, I saw a room full of my own Councillors. I walked away, broke down and cried.
I flunked my Physics paper that day.

And one month later, I got my Promotional results. OOOO. I had to go and beg and plead for a half mark for my biology paper so that I can get promoted. I got it, and I got EOOO... Nice.

And on top of that, we had to prepare for so many things. I got overwhelmed.
That I told my President I'm considering resigning from Council.

I didn't in the end of course. I had really good Councillors who rallied around me and helped me get through that difficult period of time.


And in the midst of practicum, I find myself trying to swim... Yes. Trying. Because it feels like I'm swimming with this big metal weight behind me, pulling me down. I would love to get rid of the weight, except that I am afraid that it may harm the sea creatures beneath me.
Not the best analogy, I know. But I'm sure you get the idea.

I haven't broken down this badly in a long run, but over the last one to two months, I have been severely drained. Trying to balance everything in my life has seriously taken its toll on me, and I feel like I've even changed to become somebody that I'm not. Yesterday, PS Kim Meng gave an altar call for people who feel like they have been giving too much and they are tired to respond to the altar call. So I went.. without a second doubt, I went.

And the moment I knelt down, I felt God's presence. So imagine my surprise when thereafter, I felt three hands on me. And to my surprise, they were my cell members. They took turns to pray for me, and I felt so overjoyed that God was affirming me with the prayers and the actions of my cell members. And Shaun came to pray for me, blessing me with Isaiah 40:29-31--- "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
I broke down terribly when Shaun pulled my head and rested it on his shoulders.

Shaun said that he knows that I am tired, and the Lord knows it. And the Lord is affirming me that He is pleased.

And so, I think I am faced with decisions in life. Whether I should continue juggling everything and stretch myself across so many areas... or I should focus my energy on one, and look to grow that one area in my life.

I made an appointment with Jesus at 5pm later today.
I know that He'll speak there and then. =)

Leadership is synonymous with brokenness and humility..

Dear Mandy,

Even as yesterday I was at leaders' meeting, and PS Roland and PS Eugene shared, I cannot help but agree with some of the things that were shared.

PS Roland shared his takeaways from the Bogota G12 Conference, and the quotes from John Maxwell truly resonated within me..

"Everything rises and falls on leadership."

"Leadership is not a value - it is a state of being."

PS Eugene's sharing truly made me even more reflective. He shared that "Leadership is about brokenness and humility". Sharing from Matthew 19:30, "³⁰ But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." As I started to think more about it, I wondered... brokenness and humility are two separate nouns altogether. Where one is a state of being (brokenness), the other is actually a value (humility). And then the big question: what's the difference between the two?

A value is something internalised, and that shapes your character. So humility is something that you attempt to be in all spheres of life. But a state of being is not forever. It is seasonal? And it does not have a fixed time, but it does not go on as long as a value would. As such, if I were to put them in an analogy, a value is like the sky, and a state of being would be a particular seasons. Sometimes, a season goes beyond the expected 3 months, sometimes it is less than an expected 3 months. And so, brokenness is like that. We don't know how long it may be, or when it may begin, but it is seasonal, and we will come out of it stronger.

And it truly made me think.. How do we see leadership these days? A lot of people in this world have ended up taking it as a position of authority, and even gotten proud with it in the process. And it truly caused me to reflect about my outlook on leadership and authority.. Have I been proud? Taking my position as a leader for granted? And the truth is, I think there have been moments that I have been feeling that way. And so, in my quiet solitude last night before the Lord, I humbly told the Lord that "I don't know how best to lead. But I know You do. Teach me."

I believe God heard my prayer, and He will answer in His time. 

Perhaps in the last sharing on unity, and this sharing on leadership, I try to find the connection between both. In my devotion this morning, it was directing us to keep our brothers and sisters in prayer. Talking about "prayer is for the small things that worry us and for the big things that overwhelm us". So true.

So for us as leaders, what does it mean...? How can we as leaders work towards unity? 

I had two thoughts...

1) Seek first to understand, then to be understood

2) Check back to make sure that what you understand is what the speaker intends to convey.

It starts from sincere love, and seeking to understand and listen to what people have to say.

Perhaps the biggest question for me was, do I? 

I will be praying. =)

IPOD 2012.. a lesson on unity, family and love.

Dear Mandy,

In the events that have unfurled over the last few weeks, a lot of questions about unity seemingly creep into my mind.

What truly constitutes unity? That's probably the first question most people would have.
To me... I think I consider a community that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm. Of course, I believe that it also has one alignment in heart and purpose... To glorify God would be my ideal purpose. Imagine if everyone were to edify, affirm and encourage, without seeking self-gratification or being inward-looking half the time? It would be amazing, wouldn't it? Because everyone seeks to encourage, nobody would feel lonely; because everyone seeks to affirm, people would be happy; because everyone seeks to edify, people would be open to share. How beautiful!

 

The clouds at the Ngee Ann Polytechnic Field

At IPOD 2012, NYP BB Primers sent a very small team of 14 people including Officers to participate. Essentially, we were the smallest Company represented today at IPOD 2012. And yet... I learnt so much from these lovely group of people.

 Team NYP

 The boys soccer team got thrashed badly in the group stages with 4-1, 4-1 and 3-0. The girls' Captain's Ball team made it to the 4th position. But through it all, I saw how both teams played for each other. They supported, they pushed themselves, and they truly gave their all. It wasn't much about winning. It was more of knowing what role they had to fulfill, and what they had to do in order for each other to be able to contribute to the success of the team.

Seeing how they rallied around each other when someone was injured. Taking additional time out from their lunchtime to support each other. Forsaking their rest time so they can cheer the other group on. And huddling together just so that they can draw strength from one another. When they were down, they started to cheer and encourage one another. It was a beautiful beautiful sight to behold.

And through it all, I cried when I debriefed them. I felt they played so well, that they truly deserved to get something away from it all. It's only the 2nd time I've openly shown my emotions to the Primers in tears.. but I somehow believe with all my heart that God taught them a lesson far more valuable than victory. That the process is sometimes more important than the end product.

They are a lovely bunch of people, and I know God has something great for them in store. I pray that this company will grow in size, but yet, always retaining that humble grounding.
That we are first and foremost a united family that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm, before we are a CCA in NYP.
That much, I believe is the mandate God has for NYP.

So imagine my heart's emotions when the I/C of the organising Committee for IPOD 2012, Olivia, smsed Jiejia to say that though we are not the biggest in number, but we have a one of a kind EXPLOSIVE passion and enthusiasm.
I knew, in my heart, that God has called NYP Primers to a new beginning- one that first began with love.

And so, I simply smiled.

Reminiscing about Canada..

Dear Mandy,

This is one reason why I love Canada so much. =)


Kudos to Angie for taking such a beautiful picture! =)

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!!

Dear Mandy,

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!

Happy holidays to all! =)

Reflections on Code Blue Season 2

Dear Mandy...



As I finished watching Code Blue Season 2, it really struck me that most medical dramas such as Grey's Anatomy, cannot avoid looking at the medical scenarios without thinking and reflecting about life.


I've included this scene about Hiyama and Shiraishi here, because it is the very scene that I talked about in my previous post. And as I watched the scene again, I can't help but realise that more and more pieces of this scene are put together.


They're medical doctors, Shiraishi is not suspended, but she chose to use her spare time to comfort Hiyama instead of getting some rest or getting documentations done. Hiyama puts on a strong front, but Shiraishi knows her well enough that she would insist on giving her a makeshift hug to let her know it is ok to cry. And Hiyama must trust Shiraishi well enough to carry oon crying and sharing.

Do we really see that in the world today? In people?
Or do we increasingly live in a society that is increasingly unappreciative?

Well, I was doing a reading on discipline methods and classroom management, and there was a line that said "Teachers do not have much autonomy or control over the syllabus, but they are the ones held responsible for the performance of the students", or something along those lines. And I smiled ruefully, because many a time, we are responsible for things we did not initiate or do. And in trying to keep up with these responsibilities and the expectations of the world and the people around us, we more or less end up losing ourselves and become more inward looking.

So perhaps we should reconsider. What would Jesus do?
He never cared. He would leave the crowd, go to a mountain by himself to pray.
And what are we doing?
Getting caught in a rat race.

Time to re-evaluate my priorities and my beliefs. =)