Leadership is synonymous with brokenness and humility..

Dear Mandy,

Even as yesterday I was at leaders' meeting, and PS Roland and PS Eugene shared, I cannot help but agree with some of the things that were shared.

PS Roland shared his takeaways from the Bogota G12 Conference, and the quotes from John Maxwell truly resonated within me..

"Everything rises and falls on leadership."

"Leadership is not a value - it is a state of being."

PS Eugene's sharing truly made me even more reflective. He shared that "Leadership is about brokenness and humility". Sharing from Matthew 19:30, "³⁰ But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." As I started to think more about it, I wondered... brokenness and humility are two separate nouns altogether. Where one is a state of being (brokenness), the other is actually a value (humility). And then the big question: what's the difference between the two?

A value is something internalised, and that shapes your character. So humility is something that you attempt to be in all spheres of life. But a state of being is not forever. It is seasonal? And it does not have a fixed time, but it does not go on as long as a value would. As such, if I were to put them in an analogy, a value is like the sky, and a state of being would be a particular seasons. Sometimes, a season goes beyond the expected 3 months, sometimes it is less than an expected 3 months. And so, brokenness is like that. We don't know how long it may be, or when it may begin, but it is seasonal, and we will come out of it stronger.

And it truly made me think.. How do we see leadership these days? A lot of people in this world have ended up taking it as a position of authority, and even gotten proud with it in the process. And it truly caused me to reflect about my outlook on leadership and authority.. Have I been proud? Taking my position as a leader for granted? And the truth is, I think there have been moments that I have been feeling that way. And so, in my quiet solitude last night before the Lord, I humbly told the Lord that "I don't know how best to lead. But I know You do. Teach me."

I believe God heard my prayer, and He will answer in His time. 

Perhaps in the last sharing on unity, and this sharing on leadership, I try to find the connection between both. In my devotion this morning, it was directing us to keep our brothers and sisters in prayer. Talking about "prayer is for the small things that worry us and for the big things that overwhelm us". So true.

So for us as leaders, what does it mean...? How can we as leaders work towards unity? 

I had two thoughts...

1) Seek first to understand, then to be understood

2) Check back to make sure that what you understand is what the speaker intends to convey.

It starts from sincere love, and seeking to understand and listen to what people have to say.

Perhaps the biggest question for me was, do I? 

I will be praying. =)

IPOD 2012.. a lesson on unity, family and love.

Dear Mandy,

In the events that have unfurled over the last few weeks, a lot of questions about unity seemingly creep into my mind.

What truly constitutes unity? That's probably the first question most people would have.
To me... I think I consider a community that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm. Of course, I believe that it also has one alignment in heart and purpose... To glorify God would be my ideal purpose. Imagine if everyone were to edify, affirm and encourage, without seeking self-gratification or being inward-looking half the time? It would be amazing, wouldn't it? Because everyone seeks to encourage, nobody would feel lonely; because everyone seeks to affirm, people would be happy; because everyone seeks to edify, people would be open to share. How beautiful!

 

The clouds at the Ngee Ann Polytechnic Field

At IPOD 2012, NYP BB Primers sent a very small team of 14 people including Officers to participate. Essentially, we were the smallest Company represented today at IPOD 2012. And yet... I learnt so much from these lovely group of people.

 Team NYP

 The boys soccer team got thrashed badly in the group stages with 4-1, 4-1 and 3-0. The girls' Captain's Ball team made it to the 4th position. But through it all, I saw how both teams played for each other. They supported, they pushed themselves, and they truly gave their all. It wasn't much about winning. It was more of knowing what role they had to fulfill, and what they had to do in order for each other to be able to contribute to the success of the team.

Seeing how they rallied around each other when someone was injured. Taking additional time out from their lunchtime to support each other. Forsaking their rest time so they can cheer the other group on. And huddling together just so that they can draw strength from one another. When they were down, they started to cheer and encourage one another. It was a beautiful beautiful sight to behold.

And through it all, I cried when I debriefed them. I felt they played so well, that they truly deserved to get something away from it all. It's only the 2nd time I've openly shown my emotions to the Primers in tears.. but I somehow believe with all my heart that God taught them a lesson far more valuable than victory. That the process is sometimes more important than the end product.

They are a lovely bunch of people, and I know God has something great for them in store. I pray that this company will grow in size, but yet, always retaining that humble grounding.
That we are first and foremost a united family that seeks to edify, encourage and affirm, before we are a CCA in NYP.
That much, I believe is the mandate God has for NYP.

So imagine my heart's emotions when the I/C of the organising Committee for IPOD 2012, Olivia, smsed Jiejia to say that though we are not the biggest in number, but we have a one of a kind EXPLOSIVE passion and enthusiasm.
I knew, in my heart, that God has called NYP Primers to a new beginning- one that first began with love.

And so, I simply smiled.

Reminiscing about Canada..

Dear Mandy,

This is one reason why I love Canada so much. =)


Kudos to Angie for taking such a beautiful picture! =)

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!!

Dear Mandy,

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!

Happy holidays to all! =)

Reflections on Code Blue Season 2

Dear Mandy...



As I finished watching Code Blue Season 2, it really struck me that most medical dramas such as Grey's Anatomy, cannot avoid looking at the medical scenarios without thinking and reflecting about life.


I've included this scene about Hiyama and Shiraishi here, because it is the very scene that I talked about in my previous post. And as I watched the scene again, I can't help but realise that more and more pieces of this scene are put together.


They're medical doctors, Shiraishi is not suspended, but she chose to use her spare time to comfort Hiyama instead of getting some rest or getting documentations done. Hiyama puts on a strong front, but Shiraishi knows her well enough that she would insist on giving her a makeshift hug to let her know it is ok to cry. And Hiyama must trust Shiraishi well enough to carry oon crying and sharing.

Do we really see that in the world today? In people?
Or do we increasingly live in a society that is increasingly unappreciative?

Well, I was doing a reading on discipline methods and classroom management, and there was a line that said "Teachers do not have much autonomy or control over the syllabus, but they are the ones held responsible for the performance of the students", or something along those lines. And I smiled ruefully, because many a time, we are responsible for things we did not initiate or do. And in trying to keep up with these responsibilities and the expectations of the world and the people around us, we more or less end up losing ourselves and become more inward looking.

So perhaps we should reconsider. What would Jesus do?
He never cared. He would leave the crowd, go to a mountain by himself to pray.
And what are we doing?
Getting caught in a rat race.

Time to re-evaluate my priorities and my beliefs. =)

Code Blue Ep 8: Mihoko Hiyama

Dear Mandy,

As I finished watching Code Blue Season 2 Episode 8, I'm drawn to what Mihoko Hiyama went through, and once again, am amazed at how I can relate to Mihoko...

In tending to a brain-dead 6 year old child, Tsubasa, his mother cries when she slowly comes to a realisation that her son is dead already. So in tears, she says that she would like to hug her child with her two arms. Mihoko, moved and trusting in the mother, unhooks the breathing machine, and lets his mother hug him. Point to note: the child would have died in a couple of hours, at most a day. The mother did not sign the "Do not resuscitate" form.

So, imagine what happens when the mother's brother decides to sue Mihoko and the hospital, because he thinks that she killed his nephew.

Mihoko is shaken, the hospital is shaken, and what is endearing is how Aizawa, Shiraishi, Saijima and Fujiwara rally around her. Mihoko breaks down because the mother's brother says in her face "you're a murderer". And it was heartwrenching when Mihoko says "I told myself I'll always remember the thanks that a patient gave me. Never did I expect that today I'll be called a murderer." And cries. Shiraishi, sitting beside her, initially pats her back, but is shoved away by Mihoko. So, she boldens, moves nearer, and pulls Mihoko near in a simple hug. Mihoko resists, but breaks down even more in the process.

So at the hearing, Tachibana, Mihoko's supervisor, tells Mihoko to share her true feelings. She is encouraged also by the head of Surgery. So she shares the true proceedings as to what happened. Especially how she thought that she had established understanding with Tsubasa's mother, before proceeding to unhook the machine. Of course, she was blasted with it, but Mihoko, infuriated, blasts out by saying "signing the DNR form is as though you are asking his mother to say her child is dead! And I just want to minimise any further pain to her!" before pausing and saying "any doctor who asks someone to sign a DNR form and remains calm and methodological about it is completely nuts."

At the end of the episode, Aizawa finds Mihoko in the emergency room. After a brief conversation, Mihoko cries badly as she says "I'm afraid to face the patients anymore. I'm scared of interacting with them."

As I reflected on Mihoko's predicament.. I realise that people hurt people. And sometimes, people want to get revenge as a means of venting their own anger, sadness and hurt. And more importantly... people are always focused on the end product, and very few people actually focus on the process. And I somehow sense that it is in the process, that there are much unseen tears, blood and perspiration. Simply because people don't care. As long as the end product looks good, that's all that matters. And that is a sad fact.

I realise that as much as I trust people, somewhere deep down, I'm scared too. We all have been hurt along the way by people in one way or another.. and many a time, nobody truly sees the hard work behind all the events and activities that are put out. Increasingly, we live in a world that is not as appreciative as it used to be? And perhaps that's why God calls us to live life differently. God is always concerned about our processes, our lives, and what we go through. And He's there every step of the way.

Perhaps that's why the old saying goes? People may fail you, but God never fails.
So, despite all my fears, apprehensions, and shortcomings, God still cares and loves.
I'd pray for Mihoko.. really. =)

Shiraishi in Episode 3 of Code Blue Season 2

Dear Mandy...

I just finished watching Code Blue Season 2's episode 3. It was a really heartwrenching moment for me actually..

The scene begins with talking about how human beings are generally people who lie? And in the disaster whereby someone fell, and there was a stampede, Shiraishi came across this guy who had breathing difficulties. So on the spot, being emergency doctors, Shiraishi had to insert a catheter into his lungs. However, due to the guy having heart problems, was forced to do surgery there and then.

The Shiraishi of Season 1 would have faltered, and considered the feelings of the people around, but as her experiences have, moulded her to become a cool, calm operating doctor, doing what is needed without room for emotional consideration. She was forced to stop massaging the heart of the victim, because his heart simply would not take it. And in her face, the guy's mother screamed "Are you a devil? How can you stop when he still has consciousness?" To which, Shiraishi just looks down and mumbles an apology.

It isn't until afterward when Shiraishi and Aizawa are forced to take the train back to the hospital as they were the last two on the spot, that Shiraishi lets her emotions run over her when she sees a mother and child conversing in the train. Aizawa shields her from public eye by standing in front of her, and Shiraishi just lets her emotions flow.

As i reflect on Shiraishi and what she did... part of me can't help but understand and resonate with what she is going through. How many times have I had to shelf my emotions and just do what is required of me, only to truly truly come back thereafter, and let the emotions wash over me overwhelmingly? The truth? Quite a few. So I really thank God that He comes through in my moments of weakness.

I'm not as strong as I seem to be, and yes, I do cry. I do worry.
I just happen to become really good at shelfing things. =)
Thank God for Him, because otherwise, I'm not sure what I'll be.

So.. will I stop shelfing things? I don't think so.
Will I start to share more so that I don't let the shelf clutter too much? Well, I'm not sure.

But I do know that God clears that shelf for me ever so often.
It's just a difficult and lonely journey to walk, but one that's never alone. =)

Comeback Madonna Special!

Dear Mandy,


When I watched this movie, and this song came on in Episode 11, I really fell in love with it.

It speaks of pursuing your dreams, it speaks of coming back in a different light, but living true to your dreams and beliefs.
If you ask me, it is kind of hard to live out your dreams in today's world, and I take my hat off to those who do.

I sometimes have weird and crazy thoughts of going to try out for auditions when the Korean companies come to Singapore? But I also know that's not my calling. I love to sing, I enjoy dancing, but truth be told, I see myself living out my childhood dream of being a teacher in time to come. God has been really good, and the experiences that I've gone through thus far, have always led me to come back to a teaching approach and profession.

But in any case.. this is one song that will always remind me not to give up when the going gets tough. =)
I love the bridge the most. =)

I hope you enjoy this song and be as inspired by it as I was. =)

Dear Mandy...

It's not even been 24 hours yet, and somehow, the year ahead looks challenging already. =)

GESL... Ministry... NIE... each bring to the table a different issue, and I'm tempted... very tempted... to just put down the World and say farewell as I travel around it. But as I say: I'm tempted. I know I won't do it.

In just a paltry 24 hours.. it's driving me to an extent that I'm already asking God to help see me through this year. Because for starters... it's not going to be easy, because if this is an inclination of what is to come, then I think I'm in for a rough ride. Then again.. nobody said it'd be easy.

I'll see it through by grace. =)

Dear Mandy,

Merry Christmas!!

I find it quite warm and snuggly inside always during this season... So much so that as I listen to Christmas songs, and the rain falls outside? I start to imagine that they're snowflakes instead. And that kind of makes all the difference. =)

Isn't it amazing how in the coldest time of the year, Jesus was born? Almost as if it's a symbolic thing, that He would come in the coldest, darkest time, to give us hope and guide our path.

Love, actually, is what Christmas is all about. =)

Dear Mandy,


And so I finished watching Personal Taste... a total of 16 episodes, and I have to admit, this Korean drama really was more engaging to me than "Only You". Certain episodes of "Only You" I fast forwarded cause it was really boring, but for Personal Taste, I watched it till the end, cringing whenever In Hee or Chang Ryul tried to break up Kae In and Jin Ho... ahha.. will explain about the actors in a bit.

Well, the synopsis goes like this: Jin Ho is an architect, whose family went broke because of Chang Ryul's father, and so they have been at loggerheads ever since. In Hee and Kae In are roomies in the really wonderful house that Kae In's father build: Samgojang. The show starts with Kae In, a carpentress, dating Chang Ryul, only for him to break up with her, because he had been double timing Kae In with In Hee. They are about to get married when a bewildered and shocked Kae In unwittingly steps in and breaks up the wedding. Jin Ho, on the other hand, finds out that Samgojang is the basis on which this huge project for an art museum is banking on. And so, through a series of misfit events, he moves into Samgojang and starts an unlikely friendship with Kae In, who thinks that he is gay.



Well, one thing leads to another, and Jin Ho and Kae In find themselves falling in love with each other. What complicates matters is that In Hee falls for Jin Ho, and Chang Ryul falls for Kae In again, and so, it becomes a very complicated story that involves Jin Ho's mother, Chang Ryul's father, the director of the art museum project and this woman obsessed with being Jin Ho's wife. There're also a pair of blundering friends known as Yong Soon and "hyung" to all. Haha.. can't remember his name. So it's a series of sweet moments, but sad moments too. I like the ending though. =)


Throughout the show, Kae In would randomly give weather updates, predicting how her mood would be and how tomorrow would be. I especially love the ending quotes:
Kae-in: “It’s not always going to be a life of clear skies. But even if I encounter darkness, if I go with this man I can muster the courage to walk through.”
Jin-ho: “I ran without stopping, but I was always a child running in circles. But I met this woman, and learned that stopping to breathe…could take me farther than I ever knew.”

I think that it's very true. =)
In all situations, I have God to see me through the darkness. And when my rest is in God, I can run farther than ever before.



Perhaps this movie does let me realise that it is possible to have a simple relationship after all. There's no need to complicate things, but as Mother Theresa encourages to "live simply so that others may simply live", perhaps in a relationship, it would also be possible to have it simple too. Though some may say that Korean dramas tend to exaggerate things? But I think that underneath it all, it highlights something. If in a relationship, the couple were honest and trusting, then it would last, wouldn't it? Kae In exemplified this the most. No matter what the circumstance, in the end, she still puts her trust and faith in human relations, and that every human has a soul. Isn't that similar to the unconditional love that God has in us?


A simple show, but one where I learnt a lot. I'd really recommend watching this. =)

Dear Mandy,

Happy Grandparents' day!!

As the 3 days of tumultous events came to an end... One thing is for sure, God's grace and presence was with me throughout. And despite running and executing events and duties, God still made sure I was ministered to, and that there will be breakthrough in my life.


Ask me how I feel right now? I feel like the picture above. A moment of peace, serenity and tranquility, but on the verge of tears, because God is so good, and so awesome. Let me run you through the last few days.

The whole challenge would begin come Friday, but leading up to it was a series of small events and incidents that needed to be completed in order for the weekend to run smoothly. So in addition to attending cell group, I scheduled PT with one of my cell members, and English classes at NYP, I also found myself scheduling short meetings and settling much administration to get things going. Not to mention, I had to milk what I could to study for a maths exams on Saturday.. it wasn't a very fun week to say the least.

But then I think that it is apt that some readings this week was about how suffering draws us closer to Christ, and so I thank God for Thursday, where I was not only able to study for the exam in a great measure, I also met a close sister for an impromptu lunch, and PT with my cell member. All this, and Friday came around.

That's Ming Na (in blue), or who I call Na Na, teaching the youths for the very first event of our GESL Intergenerational Programme. Sulogna (to Ming Na's right) is assisting her, and Kaie See (Ming Na's left), observing the students. While this all seems to be nice, cozy and smooth, behind the scenes, the leaders were scrambling a bit. I was frantically trying to tie down a location for Sunday, while Wei Biao was trying to discuss the possibilities of having some of the youths go later for an event so we can hold the Sunday event at that particular time. Imagine the relief when God came through. The youths could go later, so we had the venue, and it would set the stage for the catering orders to go through, and the house visits.

The youths seemed excited and keen, and I thank God, because He sent the right people to us. And so, we went for lunch. Then, we embarked on our house visits. I really thank God for my GESL team, because they are so committed to the cause. Yee Ying went around despite her heel injury as best she could, and then my members actually went around beyond their own blocks. Two of them even went around to ask people along the streets! That is how committed we are. And I truly thank God for them. But it was exhausting, and so I went to East Coast to study, explaining the picture of the beach. And it was a good session. A chance to relax, and breathe.

Then cell. Danny and Evelyn came, and it was a very fun time for us all. But Danny's word was very impactful, and I believe that it spoke to each and every cell member.

And then, Saturday, the day of my maths exam and BB SG, came.
The paper was ok, manageable, and I trust that God will make a way and pass me.
And then I went to BB SG. It is quite a huge event, being honest, and when I see how SP work, I cannot help, but marvel at their efficiency and creativity in anchoring the project. I ended up being the transportation and auxillary person, but it allowed me to see the bigger picture and scheme of things. But driving around is tiring, and as there was much to do, so we reached service 10 minutes before it began. I parked, and seeing no seats, went upstairs to sit.

The message by PS Eugene was on Extreme Delight.. delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart.. and one part that really spoke to me, was when PS Eugene talked about rejoicing even in our sufferings... and I think I realised just how exhausted physically and mentally I was, and emotionally, I was struggling too, because of the exhaustion. So I decided to humble myself, and asked Irving, sitting beside me, to pray for me.
There was much breakthrough, and indeed, a very apt prayer. It allowed me the peace and confidence to be able to minister to Edwin thereafter, and I thank God for His provision. There was breakthrough for me when I humbled myself to ask Irvin to pray for me, because I think I tend to keep to myself too much sometimes. =) God ministered even in tiredness and busyness. =)

Went home, did some admin, slept, and then woke up early this morning for GESL. I felt God's presence even in QT, and so, headed out from home at 9am. Went to pick up Wei Zhong, and we had breakfast at Burger King. We then headed out for our second round of house visits thereafter, and this time, we had more people, so we split. Some of us went to the coffee shops and residents' corner to ask them to come, and well, the turn out wasn't exactly fantastic, but little did I know what God had in mind.


This is the terrarium the elderly and youth constructed. Ice breakers led by Ming Na and Yee Ying was brilliant! And the terrarium project was also quite good. Definitely there was intergenerational engagement, but also, without a doubt, I also agree that it could have been better. But to see the elderly being so engrossed in building their terrariums, occasionally supporting and suggesting to the youths what they could do. I think it was a very endearing sight! And the high-tea was fantastic as well. Really quite thankful...

Felicia came, and she shared about how she thinks our project meets a certain need and direction that they are thinking about, and she would love to use our project idea. I was quite encouraged. And that was when I knew that our project was definitely something that taught me that it is important to focus on the process; sometimes more than even the outcome.


This turnout despite having house visited 100 over units, would be deemed by many to be a failure. But each of my GESL mates learnt so much through the house visits, and it was a huge step out of comfort zone for us. Actually, Singaporeans have their polite and kind sides too. Sure, they are reserved, but they are kind. But it is difficult to do community projects- that's my 2nd learning point and reflection from this. Without establishing proper rapport and bonds, it would be difficult to engage the people. I was pleasantly touched with the feedback my group came up with though. I think we all have the same heartbeat after seeing the effects of our project.

Felicia's visit made it all the more special for me, because she really took time out of her crazy schedule to come. Really love this sister of mine. =)

Above all, when Felicia shared that today is grandparents' day, I was sitting at LJS having my dinner, and I almost just cried there and then. Because FAMILIES came, not just single elderly, and it was a symbolic celebration for grandparents, wasn't it? So God provided what seemed like a bad result, to become a time of celebration and appreciation.

God is good. So.. at the end of the day...

I saw the power of human emotion.
I saw the tenderness of human relations.
I wept gratefully at the awesomeness of God and His provision.
Amen. =)

Dear Mandy,


I just finished reading "The Wednesday Letters" by Jason F. Wright, and I cried uncontrollably at the end scene (not revealing what it is because it'd be a spoiler".

The technical facts? This is a book that is a surprisingly easy read, and draws you deeper and deeper into a plot. It's fraught with raw human emotion, and yet teaches so many lessons. The language is moderate, very few advanced vocabulary, but the simplicity of the book just lends itself so much more the the simplicity of human emotion. It is raw, it is real, and at the same time, it is a choice.

On to the synopsis.
The story spans the events that happen among the three children of Jack and Laurel Cooper after both died in the same night in each others' arms: one from a heart attack, the other from cancer. And with the packing up and the unfolding of events, they discover that their father wrote to their mother every Wednesday. Every Wednesday, he would write, recapping, recalling, reflecting, and in most letters, tenderly expressing how much Laurel means to him, and how much God works in him so that he can be a better man and a better husband. This shocked their children, for they never knew. Each child discovers the things that their father did for them, and how much each of them mean and are loved by him. There is much healing, much reconciliation, and much tears that come. But with the joy, a hidden secret is revealed. One that rocks the family, one that has them grasping in thin air for something that they never expected nor imagined.

And that's where the lessons come in. It's a book that exemplifies extreme forgiveness and extreme love and humilty- and an unabashed complete abandonment of reliance on God. It's powerful in its own way. You would understand what I mean when you pick up the book and read for yourself, but one thing is for sure. A Godly man will impart Godly values to his children and the people who he leads and interacts with.

I want to be such a person. I really do. Someone who understands that he is constantly learning and growing and being moulded, yet lovingly reflecting the Lord's countenance and grace to others, and inspiring others to do the same. A loving husband, and a loving father, and a loving friend to all. There's indeed so much that I have to learn in this... but I know this much: quoting Malcolm Cooper, the youngest son of the Cooper family:

"I will fail. But I pray you will never give up on me, though I will surely fail again.
More than anything, I pray I will always deserve you."

The Lord will never give up on me. And I pray, someday, I will be married to a woman that I will say the same words to- meaning every word I say.

And I love that the epilogue requires me to open an envelope and read a final letter. =)

Dear Mandy,

Sometimes I wonder if growing up is a good thing. =)

The older one gets, the more one thinks, the more responsibilities one has. It's quite a routine, vicious cycle. 'ere go all the talk about perspective, choices and attitude. But I think the truth is such... we are all entitled to who we decide we are. I can be laid-back, heck care and laze around like a snoop, or I can choose to be anxious, worried and mull over every choice I have to make and essentially missing out on the moment.

Wait. The moment? What moment?

The moment whereby you just throw things to the wind and give your best, knowing that things are in God's hands.

One of the best things I love about being a Christian, is knowing that God provides what He knows is best and sufficient for us. The age-old saying "100% man, 100% God"... and something I read once in Jerry Sittser's book "When God doesn't answer Prayer"... it goes along something like we pray and give our all to God, but we also trust that His plan is the best. We don't hold on tightly expecting God to give us what we ask for, but we ask humbly and trust completely in what the Lord will eventually do. =)

In some sense, it seems like the paradox behind the Lord's Prayer, doesn't it? When we ask the Lord that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven, essentially, we ask for His will, not our desires and our wills to be done. =)

And so, as tired and weary as we may get sometimes? I feel that there's more to it than expected, because God knows best. =)

Dear Mandy,

Even as the semester in NIE comes to a close, I find that the recent weeks have truly been quite a revelatory if not apprehensive season. I guess in part to the recent sermons on eXtreme Discipleship, and also the questions that keep going through my mind in addition to the responsibilities that have been increasing, I find myself suddenly thrown a curveball.

"Where is God in all that I do?"

That kind of struck me a bit hard. Because as Tuesday's cell group went, I realised in discussion with a sister in Christ, that when the going gets tough, we run more towards God and the Holy Spirit. But on the contrary, we tend to want to solve the issues and the problems that we face BEFORE we come before God. Meaning... we only turn to God as the end point after everything is done, or when we're at our wits end. But, then again, God wants to be the center of everything that we do. Just in Quiet Time this morning, the Lord told me:

"I am the Alpha and the Omega.. and every other letter in between."

And through it, the Lord seemed to be telling me that I am not just the beginning and the end, but I am also there in every aspect and every part of the journey from your creation to your end. And that really struck me. I started wondering how much of God is in my life- does the Holy Spirit permeate every pore and every page of the book of my life? Chances are, the answer is no. And I really like the call by Danny to pray in tongues every day for 20 minute slots. Rather than setting aside one full hour to pray, which is good, but taking time off in the midst of all the activity to pray for 20 minutes is actually more challenging for me, because it means that I cannot really draw up a plan in my regular 1 hour blocks that I do. I force myself to put God in my on-the-spot plans, rather than just my daily routine plan.

Which brings me to the revelation that I had this morning... (It feels like a thesis!! So excited!!) Now, as what God has said, He is not just the Alpha and the Omega, but every other letter in between. So, in essence, this is a fluid paradigm that can be applied in many different areas. Let me give an example:
A church has a beginning (when it is founded), and an end (maybe apocalypse), and in between, there are many chapters. Perhaps the milestone marker of its growth, or when it expands from being a local church to one that sends missionaries. That is the common directional growth of the church, and God should be in every aspect of its growth.
And then, there are the individual members of the church. Each member too has their own beginning (their creation) and their end (death), and all the growing up that takes place in the development of one's life. This is their own individual journey.
Does it not show how awesome our God is? He loves each of us so dearly, that He cares about each development of individual lives, and also, about institutions, countries and the World. That is how much God loves us, and that is how detailed He is about our development and our lives.


Jesus loves me, us, you and the World, just the way I/we am/are.
That's... how amazing our God is. =)

^"13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-Psalm 139:13-14

And then I came across this in Philip Yancey's "Grace Notes", which is the reading for today.
And that was the 2nd question God threw me today: "If I know that God loves me so much, then what should I do for Him?" And this reading answers it succinctly.

And so, I prayed. =)

Dear Mandy,


If anything, Code Blue is a wonderful show. This is one of the fastest shows this year that I've ever cleared... I started Episode 1 last Tuesday? And I just finished watching Episode 8 this morning. My goodness... But it's a very real thing. And as I watch the intern doctors go about struggling with balancing their lives with their fears and the situations around them, I can't help but think that it resonates so much with life and also, the responsibilities of being a teacher.

Just a description of what Code Blue is all about. Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi) plays Kosaku Aizawa. A calm, emotionless intern who is the most stable of the interns. Aragaki Yui plays Megumi Shiraishi: a gentle, endearing intern who is the most knowledgeable. Erika Toda plays Mihoko Miyama: a more headstrong woman, but with soft spots for her patients. Asari Yousuke plays Kazuo Fujikawa: a hyperactive, bumbling intern who strikes good relationships with his patients. Higa Manami plays Saejima Haruka: a flight nurse who is methodological, but carries many bad hurts. These 5 are the main people in the drama, with other seasoned doctors like Dr. Mitsui, Dr. Kuroda and Dr. Takashi who try to make their keep. They are all doctors at Shohoku University Hospital as Emergency Medical Service staff. They are trained to be emergency helicopter doctors, activated by a call, and shipped off to the location by a helicopter, and they have to react on the spot. There is no time for emotions, no time for pauses, and no room for mistakes.

And it isn't easy. They start off as rivals for the various positions, but through Shiraishi's gentle nature, starts to draw the team together to function together as one. As the struggles of living up to the demands of an emergency stat team grow, so do the emotions of each member, as they have to deal with differing situations: death, mistakes, emotions and disappointments. And it is weird, because I can tear at almost every episode, so this show somewhat touches a nerve within me. And i wondered what it was.

I realised that they are very much like how a teacher should be. We have minimal room for error, we work long hours, and there is hardly time for pauses in between. The biggest difference between doctors, nurses and teachers? While medical personnel determine life or death in a split second or a moment, teachers determine life or death across the years. While medical personnel deal with physical life, teachers deal with the inner life: choices, character, values. Similar, yet different, eh?

And that somehow led me to think about Philippians 1:21 - "To die is gain, and to live is Christ". Yesterday at our weekly Monday Prayer Point, we covered Galatians 2, and in Galatians 2:19-20, it says:

"For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
-Galatians 2:19-20

It is quite an apt reminder for the current series of "Extreme Discipleship" by the church pastors, and I can't help but think that it is very much like how the interns go about in Code Blue. I read before that the road of spiritual leadership is one of solitude, but not of loneliness- Solitude because we are the only ones who walk this particular path, but not lonely, because God is with us.

Sure, each of the interns have to go through their own difficulties, and that is something that they themselves can only solve. But that doesn't mean that they are alone. The team rallies around each other, supports one another, and I know, for me, I have the Lord. So I guess, as the tears fall down my cheeks, I realise that I am not crying solely because the scenes are touching. I cry because I resonate and understand what they go through.

It is not an easy journey, but in the midst of suffering, that's when we see God's heartbeat. =)

Dear Mandy,

It's funny how the more time I spend in NIE, the more I start to think as how a teacher should, but yet, not very comfortable with the ideals that NIE purports a teacher should be. Somehow, it reminds me of what a Pastor shared in service before.. it is hard to teach/ bring across things to other people when you yourself don't believe in it, or you don't see value in it.

Perhaps it's something that most teachers face.. but for me... I don't know. Being a teacher.. is it really where I'm called to go? I realise this question seeps in ever so often these days.

Okay! Lesson ended! Haha... see u!

Dear Mandy,

It is with rather mixed feelings I write in to you today...

As with transitions and movements, change in inevitable and movement is necessary.
As much as I know God's hand is moving in all this, and His plan and will will be done, I cannot suppress the furore of emotions that include wistfulness, sadness and joy for what has happened.

I guess God has His plans, and I also feel a tad apprehensive about the change.
But I know God will pull through, and I trust in His name. =)

God is good.

Dear Mandy,

"With broken heart and contrite sigh,
A trembling sinner, Lord, I cry:
Thy pard'ning grace is rich and free:
O God, be merciful to me.

I smite upon my troubled breast,
With deep and conscious guilt opprest,
Christ and His cross my only plea:
O God, be merciful to me."
-Thomas Campion

Quite nicely written. =)

Dear Mandy...

And so the NDP journey came to an end... It has been an amazing journey, one that I reflected more than ever. And it has really been a heartfelt journey. As you look at the heart above, with the interlinking hands, the red ball... it symbolises so much for me.

The unity of the Primers through linked hands.
The formation of one heart.
The red ball.. its' light isn't very obvious, it isn't as bright as an LED light. But it symbolises hope. It symbolises faith. A dim light attempting to shine despite not being bright. The belief that it can be seen and it can make a difference.

That pretty much sums up the youth of today, to a certain extent? Even as I'm sitting in lecture now, and we're talking about multi-literacies and multi-modality, it makes me think. Yes, our students evolve, yes, our students are now in a different league than we used to be.

But they still crave community. They need people to interact with, even if it may be online, but there is still the need for social acceptance and integration.
Many people who are online, also speak of united directions; the same passion, the same views. They wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't share the same drive as they do. The same desire to succeed in the power struggles of Maple Story or Legion.
And above all else.. there is the hope and faith. The hope that they can make their mark in the world, the tiny faith that they have that they can make a difference; be somebody.

And I think that it's important that we remember what the Lord said in 1 Timothy:

^"12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."

So from this, I wonder.. what is our role then? As teachers, leaders, adults; the ones that the children and youth look at to learn, follow, develop and grow from. Or even. To be like them. What should we do, and how should we live?

Things such as teachers who have 2 different facebook accounts, or adults to air their views wherever and whenever, and even, adults who do things such as blaspheme and comment without justification on issues.. what are we teaching our children?

I'm not too sure how best to approach them, but there are many expectations that are being placed on teachers. Indeed, as my lecturer just said, even what she says is loaded with meaning and intentions... what are the intentions we drive across with our words and actions? As teachers, do we conform, innovate, break out or facilitate? So many questions, so little answers.

I guess in the end, we decide and we choose how best to go about. Which role works best, which approach is best... such thoughts have flooded my mind very often these days... And even as my lecturer jsut vacated the microphone to go around to the class to solicit opinions, I see how boundaries are broken and norms are challenged.

It's an interesting journey of reflection. =)