Dear Mandy,


If anything, Code Blue is a wonderful show. This is one of the fastest shows this year that I've ever cleared... I started Episode 1 last Tuesday? And I just finished watching Episode 8 this morning. My goodness... But it's a very real thing. And as I watch the intern doctors go about struggling with balancing their lives with their fears and the situations around them, I can't help but think that it resonates so much with life and also, the responsibilities of being a teacher.

Just a description of what Code Blue is all about. Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi) plays Kosaku Aizawa. A calm, emotionless intern who is the most stable of the interns. Aragaki Yui plays Megumi Shiraishi: a gentle, endearing intern who is the most knowledgeable. Erika Toda plays Mihoko Miyama: a more headstrong woman, but with soft spots for her patients. Asari Yousuke plays Kazuo Fujikawa: a hyperactive, bumbling intern who strikes good relationships with his patients. Higa Manami plays Saejima Haruka: a flight nurse who is methodological, but carries many bad hurts. These 5 are the main people in the drama, with other seasoned doctors like Dr. Mitsui, Dr. Kuroda and Dr. Takashi who try to make their keep. They are all doctors at Shohoku University Hospital as Emergency Medical Service staff. They are trained to be emergency helicopter doctors, activated by a call, and shipped off to the location by a helicopter, and they have to react on the spot. There is no time for emotions, no time for pauses, and no room for mistakes.

And it isn't easy. They start off as rivals for the various positions, but through Shiraishi's gentle nature, starts to draw the team together to function together as one. As the struggles of living up to the demands of an emergency stat team grow, so do the emotions of each member, as they have to deal with differing situations: death, mistakes, emotions and disappointments. And it is weird, because I can tear at almost every episode, so this show somewhat touches a nerve within me. And i wondered what it was.

I realised that they are very much like how a teacher should be. We have minimal room for error, we work long hours, and there is hardly time for pauses in between. The biggest difference between doctors, nurses and teachers? While medical personnel determine life or death in a split second or a moment, teachers determine life or death across the years. While medical personnel deal with physical life, teachers deal with the inner life: choices, character, values. Similar, yet different, eh?

And that somehow led me to think about Philippians 1:21 - "To die is gain, and to live is Christ". Yesterday at our weekly Monday Prayer Point, we covered Galatians 2, and in Galatians 2:19-20, it says:

"For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
-Galatians 2:19-20

It is quite an apt reminder for the current series of "Extreme Discipleship" by the church pastors, and I can't help but think that it is very much like how the interns go about in Code Blue. I read before that the road of spiritual leadership is one of solitude, but not of loneliness- Solitude because we are the only ones who walk this particular path, but not lonely, because God is with us.

Sure, each of the interns have to go through their own difficulties, and that is something that they themselves can only solve. But that doesn't mean that they are alone. The team rallies around each other, supports one another, and I know, for me, I have the Lord. So I guess, as the tears fall down my cheeks, I realise that I am not crying solely because the scenes are touching. I cry because I resonate and understand what they go through.

It is not an easy journey, but in the midst of suffering, that's when we see God's heartbeat. =)

Dear Mandy,

It's funny how the more time I spend in NIE, the more I start to think as how a teacher should, but yet, not very comfortable with the ideals that NIE purports a teacher should be. Somehow, it reminds me of what a Pastor shared in service before.. it is hard to teach/ bring across things to other people when you yourself don't believe in it, or you don't see value in it.

Perhaps it's something that most teachers face.. but for me... I don't know. Being a teacher.. is it really where I'm called to go? I realise this question seeps in ever so often these days.

Okay! Lesson ended! Haha... see u!

Dear Mandy,

It is with rather mixed feelings I write in to you today...

As with transitions and movements, change in inevitable and movement is necessary.
As much as I know God's hand is moving in all this, and His plan and will will be done, I cannot suppress the furore of emotions that include wistfulness, sadness and joy for what has happened.

I guess God has His plans, and I also feel a tad apprehensive about the change.
But I know God will pull through, and I trust in His name. =)

God is good.

Dear Mandy,

"With broken heart and contrite sigh,
A trembling sinner, Lord, I cry:
Thy pard'ning grace is rich and free:
O God, be merciful to me.

I smite upon my troubled breast,
With deep and conscious guilt opprest,
Christ and His cross my only plea:
O God, be merciful to me."
-Thomas Campion

Quite nicely written. =)

Dear Mandy...

And so the NDP journey came to an end... It has been an amazing journey, one that I reflected more than ever. And it has really been a heartfelt journey. As you look at the heart above, with the interlinking hands, the red ball... it symbolises so much for me.

The unity of the Primers through linked hands.
The formation of one heart.
The red ball.. its' light isn't very obvious, it isn't as bright as an LED light. But it symbolises hope. It symbolises faith. A dim light attempting to shine despite not being bright. The belief that it can be seen and it can make a difference.

That pretty much sums up the youth of today, to a certain extent? Even as I'm sitting in lecture now, and we're talking about multi-literacies and multi-modality, it makes me think. Yes, our students evolve, yes, our students are now in a different league than we used to be.

But they still crave community. They need people to interact with, even if it may be online, but there is still the need for social acceptance and integration.
Many people who are online, also speak of united directions; the same passion, the same views. They wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't share the same drive as they do. The same desire to succeed in the power struggles of Maple Story or Legion.
And above all else.. there is the hope and faith. The hope that they can make their mark in the world, the tiny faith that they have that they can make a difference; be somebody.

And I think that it's important that we remember what the Lord said in 1 Timothy:

^"12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."

So from this, I wonder.. what is our role then? As teachers, leaders, adults; the ones that the children and youth look at to learn, follow, develop and grow from. Or even. To be like them. What should we do, and how should we live?

Things such as teachers who have 2 different facebook accounts, or adults to air their views wherever and whenever, and even, adults who do things such as blaspheme and comment without justification on issues.. what are we teaching our children?

I'm not too sure how best to approach them, but there are many expectations that are being placed on teachers. Indeed, as my lecturer just said, even what she says is loaded with meaning and intentions... what are the intentions we drive across with our words and actions? As teachers, do we conform, innovate, break out or facilitate? So many questions, so little answers.

I guess in the end, we decide and we choose how best to go about. Which role works best, which approach is best... such thoughts have flooded my mind very often these days... And even as my lecturer jsut vacated the microphone to go around to the class to solicit opinions, I see how boundaries are broken and norms are challenged.

It's an interesting journey of reflection. =)

Dear Mandy,

You have a ticket to heaven no thief can take,
an eternal home no divorce can break.

Every sin of your life has been cast to the sea.
Every mistake you've made is nailed to the tree.

You're blood-bought and heaven-made.
A child of God- forever saved.

So be grateful, joyful - for isn't it true?
What you don't have is much less than what you do.

-Max Lucado in "A love worth giving"

Dear Mandy,

I think I'm right when I say this, but I feel like a ship that's lost its' way and I'm trying to find a lighthouse that would guide my path.

And I came across this really wonderful quote from Max Lucado...

"A humble heart doesn't say 'I can't do anything', but instead, it says 'I can't do everything, but I play my part.'"

Perhaps it's the sheer simplicity of the statement, or the heart of the matter, which, by the way, I feel like my heart's kind of heavy. I feel to a certain extent, like there're too many things on my mind, and on my heart... and I'm thankful for the little nuggets of ease that the Lord gives, and the prayers that people send my way. And yet, at the pinnacle of it all, there is still something missing.

And it's something that I am reflecting on, even as I speak. I met up with BKC today (minus Pearlyn who had to work last minutedly), and it was a very comfortable, and much delayed meet up for us all. I really miss them. The quiet moments, the ease, the flow of sharing.. they were just wonderful, and it made me realise how much I am going to miss my batch of EL majors.

And then, perhaps that's what struck me. I miss the simplicity of life, the basic comfort of friendship, and, even as I've started my attachment, the passion towards things. Perhaps I have become too cynical, or I've forgotten to make time for myself.. I just... feel quite at a loss. And then I read that love does not envy, and it is not proud. Talk about a wake up call. =)

Dear Mandy...

Well, as I have officially completed my first week of being an Education Officer, I walk away with rather mixed feelings. On one hand, I love the colleagues that I have, and I realise that there's much things that in the last 2 days of Teacher Preparatory Programme that are very relevant, but there are also some doubts, questions and struggles within me as I try to come to terms with seemingly contradictory theories and actions. But more importantly, I give thanks to God for my wonderful team! Team 6!

Jeannette, Rebecca, Sze Wing, Jelvin, Vincent and I bonded very much in the last 6 days, and we've gotten so amicable with each other that we've started to joke and laugh at each other. From a combined car ride up today that was much mirth and cheer, we simply continued to bond over the day. From playing IPhone games, to writing random post-its, and even to friendly banter between us... it was just such a joy.

Hong Kong was a great getaway... I shan't say much, because the pictures on my FB says a thousand words. NDP has officially moved to the 10 to 10 timeline, and that's also a lot that's ongoing even as I speak..

Just yesterday at cell, Jim asked us to reflect on the last 6 months, and have we been empowered, exploding and experiencing the power of the Holy Spirit. And as I reflected, I realised just how much a struggle these last 6 months have been. If not for the grace of God, I doubt I'd have survived! And yet, the Lord is gracious and He provides...

Even as I ponder over the many things that occurred, and even the sudden information influx that came in yesterday, or even the emotions that ran through me as I drove home.. I guess there's more that I need to receive from God, because I'm limited by so much as a human... =)

Dear Mandy,
And so, the LoveBatam mission trip was from the 4th of June 2011 to the 8th of June 2011, and what a journey it was. =) There were 20 of us involved in this trip (Yan Xi was taking the picture), and it was definitely a journey that went according to God's will.

Firstly, I had NDP training in the morning, so Poon, Zhen Zhu and I took a later ferry over. By the time we reached, Jimmy came to fetch us in a van, and we headed to the first orphanage where the programme was already partly under way. It was short of amazing to see how open the orphans were to us, and how much they had warmed up to the team when we reached. Then when we moved into the song and dance segment, Yuen Shin led "Jesus loves me", and the kids launched into the Bahasa Indonesian version of the song. It was a very touching sight, and it really left a deep impact on me.

The 2nd day, the church service was magnificent.


This is the church that Jimmy preached at, and we attended as ministry leaders. It was definitely quite an experience, because firstly, it was our first Batam church service, secondly, we were ministering to people who hardly speak English, and thirdly, all of us were now ministry leaders. Quite a sight, if you ask me... especially since I was given a task last-minutedly to be a worship singer... and it went beyond my initial fears of having to pray for someone because of the language barrier. Because as a worship leader, my role would then be to create an atmosphere where God and His people can minister. The moment I stepped up on stage... and after a moment of worship, I moved into the Spiritual with God, and sensed so much emotion... it was quite an experience.

The second orphanage was a slightly bigger programme than the first, partly due to the larger number of people, and the more spread out age group. But God is good! I believe because He was with us, the actions we did, the words we spoke, and our countenance all reflected the Lord's grace and love. And that was what really mattered. When we ran out of things to do, the Lord would utilise us to maximise our strengths. It was beautiful to see how everyone of us played a part, and were committed to the programme and each other's success. It was a sight to behold. Kudos to the banquet team for cooking up a dinner for 65! And it was a good dinner, to say the least. =)

The next day saw us having a slow morning, and then a sudden twist of tempo as instead of plantation farming, we were to head to the countryside to paint and refurnish a church! Talk about a sudden change of events. From farmers-to-be, we became emergency painters and handymen! And that was when things started to get a tad tense, and even straining. Miscommunication was rife, and people were struggling to keep their emotions in check. But I think along the way, as we reflected, we realised that we are building the church! The dwelling place of God, or as Farand put it aptly, we were like Nehemiah, rebuilding the church of God. And that means so much.

I felt it was apt that Farand led us in a time of encouragement and affirming each other, because I felt that it was much needed. For too long in the trip, we were caught up with the operations, that there are times we forget to affirm and encourage. I was reminded of the verse in Ephesians, about how we should not give up meeting together, and to continue to spur and encourage each other to do good deeds. =)

So imagine our joy when we completed the refurnishing of the church come day 4, by 2.30pm in the afternoon. Here's the end product! =)


However, what truly touched me was when Pastor Philip thanked us, and said that his congregation had been praying for a refurnishing of the church and to paint it. And that really revealed to me that this trip was a God-planned journey. It rained in the first 2 days, but it'd stop or mellow down when we were at the orphanages to carry out the programme. But it prevented us from going to do plantation farming. Instead, because we were obedient to God, and we desired to serve Him and not idle, we ended up at this church, painting and refurnishing. And allowing these people in Batam to witness God's miracle of answered prayers, and above all else, to encourage them that our God is real. And He provides. =)

It is truly a sight to behold... and even as we did our reflections, there was so much to write, that 1 hour just wasn't enough. And I felt like it has been such a learning journey for me. The most important thing is this, as I quote from my reflections:

"For me, there is one main thing that I want to work on and live my life by. As reflected in Chapter 1.4 and 1.5, I want to be more considerate and sensitive to the needs of others. I would also like to be compassionate and loving in every single action, not just in meeting a big picture. When my actions, thoughts and my words come from God as its’ source, and follows the attitude of Christ-like compassion and love, then I will be able to live out God’s Word in everything, because my basis is love."

Even more important, is that I feel that in this season, I'm learning how to seek solace and comfort and affirmation from God first, and in Christ alone. As I quote from my reflections again...

"But then, what dawned upon me, was the simple question of the way I approached the situation, and the question of what is compassion and what is love. God reminded me that almost 6 months ago, I faced that question too. I recalled that love is firstly about God, and secondly, to do what benefits the person completely. “Completely” in this context, means that whatever we do, we put the needs of the person before us. That’s what I believe love really is. Sure… today we met felt needs, but I guess I took away the thought of have I really done what I did out of love? Every single part of it? And I realized that I didn’t really do so."

There's so much to learn, and so much to grow in, that at the end of the day, I shared with the team that "it's a reflective journey, but I feel that it is also the beginning of a new chapter".

Indeed. =) I'm walking towards the sun that rises even after the darkest night. =)

Dear Mandy...

The last couple of days have been eventful, meaningful, and also challenging...

NDP rehearsal yesterday was tiring, but it was very endearing to see how the different motivators gathered together to rally around one another... but for my NYP motivators, I see them encouraging each other, pushing each other, and trying to bond.

Had an amazing time today at the Lion King Musical at Marina Bay Sands, Sands Theatre. It was a brilliant show! The songs, the dances, the props, the costumes... even the stage atmosphere. It was very African jungle-like, very tribal, very real. And though there were some parts that I wish could have been better, but I think that overall, the show was worth the $88 that I paid! =)

What encouraged me was that there were 13 people! It was quite a successful outing, I feel. I didn't have time to have dinner with the gang afterwards, but I'm very certain that they bonded, and God's presence was with them. =)

I went for dinner with Vonne and Kaiting! =) Two lovely friends who I've known since Year 2 until now. They're 2 of my closest friends about. Full of laughter and mirth, never failing to share their views, even if it's hilarious, or sarcastic, and real. What I cherish most about these two ladies, is how they take it upon themselves to look out for me. Sure they tell me stuff about their lives, but they always take special effort to make sure I'm not running myself ragged, and always concerned about how I'm doing, and where I am.


I praise God for them.
Because they are truly truly briliantly wonderful friends. =)

Dear Mandy,

I think that many a time... our perspective determines the way we see things. It's as simple as that. It is differing perspectives that can sometimes lead to war. Differing perspectives can see different sides to a piece of text. Different perspectives end in different results.

So perspective is a big word. Just today, at the divine healing seminar, PS Derek Hong said that the attitude that we adopt when we read the Bible makes all the difference. Attitude, perspective. They more or less affect the way we do things, the way we read things, and the way we live life.

An optimist may be far happier than a pessimist, but a pessimist is, in many a time, headed for less pain than an optimist. But an optimist finds joy within pain (or so, I believe). And perhaps, that's what's so lacking... we lose hope all too easily.

I don't know... but hope is essential I guess... hope may be frail, but there is always hope in Jesus. I'm actually quite a bundle of incoherent thoughts at the moment... and part of me wonders about the possibility of a world without hope... I guess that's quite impossible, because where there's love, there's hope. =) It's just... there. Giving encouragement, spurring dreams, making differences.

I hope. Do you?

Dear Mandy...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Dear Mandy...

With the last paper on the 4th of May 2011, I officially ended the second semester of my 4th Year, and effectively, also, the last exam I'll ever take in NUS.. And I have mixed feelings. But as I reflect about this semester.. there's so much to say, and so much that I've gone through in this last semester, let alone these last 4 years, that I somehow feel that NUS has been an integral part of my life, much like how VS, VJC and NS have been. Funny how the older you go, the more lessons you learn, and the more significant each experience is for you. =)

This semester is the first, only and last semester that I overloaded on modular credits for the semester. 28 MCs... and a heck lot of work, and it was 13 weeks of non-stop running, most of the time. I found myself scrambling to find rest, rushing to get assigments and responsibilities done, finding time to get some exercise here and there, and basically forgot how to breathe.






This video really captured the essence of life for me. "But when we slow down, we discover that life has a natural pace. And it's good. We slow into a groove that's always been there. Life becomes better, more enjoyable and more fulfilling. We may do fewer things, but what we do, we do it well. We breathe" and also, "life is where you are and what you're doing right now." And as I reflected on this semester, I wonder... when was the last time in the semester that I actually breathed? Or slowed down to take a look around me? I realise now that last semester, I was more tired, a tad more cranky, more stressed.. but also.. more dependent on God.

But that's where my thoughts linger. As I read "When God writes your love story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy, there are many pointers that I come to know. I love the question they ask about "how far can we go to bring joy to our father's heart in this area (relationships)", so I extrapolated it to "in all the areas of our lives?" instead of just in the area of relationships. And I realise that when I come to a part where I'm dependent on God, I somehow miss the part whereby I know Him. Because I'm so caught up in doing my work, in serving, in doing ministry work... that I turn to Him because there's no other way. Not that God minds, because, "a broken spirit and a contrite heart, He will not despise", but then I don't experience and know Him.


I felt like the cartoon above.. I had to hurry up to slow down. But I'm thankful for the times that the Lord has brought me through this semester, and blessing me when I don't deserve to be, which is grace. But as I started the 40 days of prayer and fasting for TGIF, I knew that I can't go on this way. So I started reading a chapter of the Bible each night, on top of my daily devotion time in the morning. I know that I needed God more than ever... and at the end of the TGIF weekend, I think it was no wonder I fell sick... there were just too many things on my hand.




And so, in this season, I guess I'm trying to slow down my pace. =)
Is it wrong? I doubt it. Would people say that it's wrong? Definitely! But God never intended for us to run until we collapse out of sheer exhaustion. Jesus Himself went off by Himself to pray, and to communicate with God. He rested too. But the thing is this... slowing down is wrong if you slow down and do nothing. But if you slow down, in order to know our Father better, I think that it's definitely the right thing to do.

I value time for myself more and more.. and believe me when I say... it's still not easy. =)

Dear Mandy,

My apologies for the lack of posts in the last couple of weeks.. Been busy doing up some work and trying to make ends meet, and to be honest.. it's been a heck of a fortnight!!!

My birthday was sweet with the smses and the FB posts that people put, and the way the tribe celebrated it! I guess it's sweet to know people remember, and that, to me, is all that really matters! =)

Of course, the crazy fortnight began with a Korean skit on Thursday, with preparations that started on Tuesday!

This is the end product of our big painting session on Tuesday.. I think it's awesome, actually, that in 2 hours or so, we managed to get this out. Our skit was good... we stumbled a bit on our lines, and there was a bit of awkwardness in transition, but I got out of it a good friend, and a wonderful tutorial group!

Had a good time with Zihui after Korean class, and it was really nice to share, and to exchange pointers.. I think God is amazing, that He causes relationships and bonds to build so quickly despite knowing each other only in Week 3 onwards. It's been quite an amazing friendship with Zihui.

Monday was the submission of my Thesis, Korean final and also the submission of ACC1002X project, so the entire weekend was tight. From finalising my thesis on Friday, to studying for Korean test... I wasn't as productive as I'd liked, because I was really quite tired and even a tad angsty about it? But it was still a good session... so my thesis looks like this:

And my acknowledgements:


There were a lot of people who never stopped encouraging me, showering me with care and concern, and who helped me in making this thesis achievable.. I'm not sure if it's a fantastic thesis, but I do know that I started off by doing this because I wanted to do something related to God, and in the process, I submitted it with the intention that this thesis will glorify God in someway... Thanks to everyone who've helped me through this period, because it's a journey I won't forget. =)

Korean final went well, and hopefully I'll do well enough to get a B.. and then I submitted the Financial Accounting project, and then that's it. The end of the craziest day of this semester! =)

And even as I headed home in the rain... I just sensed God, and I know.. the sun had set on a crazy day? But it was beautiful. =)

Dear Mandy,

As I have finally completed reading "Cure for a common life" by Max Lucado, I feel very much impressed upon what he has written.

In 1 Peter 4:10-11, it says

^"10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. "

And so it says. Max sums up the book in one simple phrase:

"Use your uniqueness (what you do) to make a big deal out of God (why you do it) every day of your life (where you do it)."
- Lucado, Max (2005:7)

And this really encouraged me. To know that the Lord made each of us uniquely, to fulfill a purpose unique to us, and to make a difference. I am who I am, because the Lord made me so, and so, to use my gifts which He gave me to make a big deal out of Him daily, seems a trifle compared to what He did when He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us.

So, I took almost 3 months to finish the book. I let time catch up with me, my work catch up with me, so when I came across the chapters that told me that "God is with me", that our lives should be a "form of worship unto Him", to love our jobs and see it as a place where we can bring God into it, to take time purposefully to pause, and finally, to never be too big to do the small things, I found myself with a renewed perspective towards the things I do.

Of course, it is never easy. Max Lucado speaks of finding out what your S.T.O.R.Y. is... it's an acronym, that stands for your Strength, your Topic, your Optimal Conditions, your Relationships and lastly, to say "YES!". It basically means that when you find an area where your strength, topic, relationships and optimal conditions flow seamlessly, it is an area where you will say "yes!", because you're in a place where you can be used by God, and where you find God has called you to.

The question is... how many of us even bother finding that "yes" spot, or, as Max Lucado calls it, our sweet spot. How many of us trust God with patience and faith that He has given us gifts to excel in a given field, and how many of us just get caught up in the rat race of how prestige, status and money are the most important factors in this lifetime? Those of us who do, more often than not either find ourselves getting by day by day, or we struggle to smile. And this negativity soon becomes part of us, and we find it harder to be happy, because we've succumbed to the whirlwind of activity that seems to be deemed by society to be a defining factor of success.

It's kinda sad, I think... but I like what Max said... that we should always take a step out, take a break from the hassle and hectic nature of life, and just realign ourselves. It has to be purposeful.. after all, Max justified, Jesus did the same thing to. He would withdraw from the crowd to pray, to be alone.. that's why He ended up having to walk on water to the boat..

So I resolve... to read more and spend more time with God. It might mean compromising on other things, but I think I need to, and I want to. Because as things get tighter, so too, should we watch our time with God. It is always going to be a struggle, and the mind tends to think otherwise (typical Singaporean mentality), but that's why it's a journey of faith, and a journey of choice. And I firmly believe, that if we choose to honour God, then it's never going to be a bad decision. It might be a challenging one, we might be broken, but if our God is for us, then who can stand against us? =)

And Max ends off with two examples of people who lived using their uniqueness to glorify God? And he not only rounds off with a repeat of the phrase? But he also uses Lori Neal, as an example to show that when you find your area, your niche, and you give it your all, and make a big deal out of God? People don't just see you. They see God. =)

Amazing, the way our Lord works. =)

Dear Mandy,

I got back my results for the mid terms that I had last week, and they're not exactly the best ever. I'm almost 3 marks below the mean for Financial Accounting, and my Korean Quiz 2 is probably at the average mark, if not, slightly below.

And I feel like it's getting harder and harder to breathe and balance everything that I have on hand at the moment.

My thesis is getting along well, so really, that's a point that I'm really thankful for. Though there are time when I start getting worried about it for no apparent reason... like... am I writing something coherent. Are these findings well substantiated? Have I plagiarised anything? Have I interpreted the readings correctly?

And then there're the other modules that I'm taking this semester as well... Financial Accounting project that's coming up, Syntax research paper, and the other heavy module, Korean I, that has one quiz, one compo, one final, one speech test and one skit that is coming up really really soon.
I honestly feel kinda overwhelmed.

But at the G12 conference, I was reaffirmed once again of God and His grace, and this morning at QT, I think God was preparing me for the result release for ACC1002X, because it spoke about how God is with you, and how He'll always be there to protect you and guide you.

It's not much, but it's everything... knowing that no matter what, God will make a way out. =)

Dear Mandy,

It's the 2nd day of the reading week, and I'm already feeling the stress.
I don't think I can finish everything that looms ahead.

I am making progress on my thesis, but at the expense of ACC1002X and LAK1201 and EL4201. It makes me feel so guilty that Andrea's already forging ahead with EL4201, and I've done almost next to nothing. And then there's the ACC1002X mid-term next week, and the LAK1201 quiz and speech next Thursday too...

So I wonder.. is it because I'm just too lazy, too easily distracted, or what?!
I do enjoy the time I have alone, and with no other major distraction, pretty much like back to JC days where we would just enjoy studying, and then taking a short break for lunch, dinner and the odd fellowship and sports... it was such an enjoyable moment. We dedicated all our time to our studies, and through it we bonded.

But now it feels like I'm back in December in Council days. Where I had to learn to balance out Council commitments with my exams.. and it wasn't much fun..

So... I start to wonder.. is this what it means to die to yourself? I don't know... but one thing's for sure... I'm trying what I can to stay afloat, and I'm literally calm abreast the water, and paddling like mad below.. Thus... afloat.

I'm praying hard that I'll be able to graduate this sem.. and trusting God that though I'm struggling, He'll make a way.

Dear Mandy...

A furore of emotions washes over me once again...

And I realise I really like being a recluse, and being able to live life the way I want to.
I can't function well in a community... yeah. I've said it.
When I get tired, I tend to blabber off at the top of my mind without thinking..
And then I say the wrong things, crack the wrong jokes.

Goodness.

I want to go back to Canada.

Dear Mandy,

As I write this to you, I'm looking ahead to a Korean quiz on Thursday, part of my thesis submission come Friday, a research proposal presentation next Friday, and the continued flow of tutorials, assignments, and quizzes that is common when we start hitting the 5th week of a semester.

And it's challenging.
The more I do my thesis, the more I find myself enjoying what I'm doing, but it's a lot of work, that I have ended up sort of neglecting the other modules, and not as on speed as I would have liked. Which I realised when Ms. Park reminded us that there was a Korean quiz coming up. And I saw the vocabulary that I have yet to remember. And I almost started panicking there and then.

Not good.

But I think God has been faithful. As the recent devotions in the Eternal Life journal speak about how the Lord gave Daniel strength, I think I'm quietly encouraged with the promises that God is going to come through, that God will provide. And above all, that through it all, God is with me. That brings me much comfort. It is a struggle through life, but I'm really clinging onto these promises that He has given me.

And at times like these, He still gives me strength to continue to be there for people I care about and love. Though there are the odd few that I feel awfully guilty that I can't meet up with them as much as I'd like, I just want to let you know that you really mean a lot to me, and though we don't meet as regularly, but I'm keeping you in my prayers daily. =)

Pressing on. =)

Dear Mandy,

As I write in to you today... after sending Isaac off for his exchange at the airport, I found myself wanting to just get on any flight, and just head off. As long as I can get away from SG, as long as I can temporarily put aside the responsibilities and work that I have on my hand, and just... escape.

But I know that's not a long term solution.

And I know that's not the way to go. Somehow, I'll have to come back and face them. Somehow.. it'll just resonate.

So I start to think... Ever since the TDA Competition on 16th Jan 2011, I haven't been able to go for dance. First was CNY SCHC, and then I had to get my work done... and the increasing need to find time to just stone, and get a breather... which makes me wonder...

Isn't dance my breather? Well, yes. It definitely is.. but the need to make sure I'm on schedule seems to overpower it. I think I can do a lot more than I think I can. As long as I sleep less, and I milk every moment for what it's worth. And exhaust myself in the process.

And then it all led me back to wonder what's the purpose of life. Some may say it's to do the things you love, some may say is to follow your heart, some may say that it's making a mark for yourself, making a difference, changing the world.

I think... life is about making a big deal out of God in everything you do.
I love to dance, but I know that I love God more.

So, I have to guard my heart, and be prayerful. To be patient, to remember why I do the things I do. I do them to glorify God.

And that's all I need to know. =)