Heyz Mandy..

In a blink of an eye... it's the end of block leave and come monday, i shall report to my new unit. Yes, I have managed to enter the prestigious Officer Cadet School, together with Deepak and Jason from council, Syaz from NCC (Air), Daniel Law from prefex, Amir from me study group... yeapz.. a lot of people made it to SISPEC though, and I for one am surprised I made it to OCS... I shall adopt a positive attitude and try my best in there... it's not going to be easy... but I have to try.

I went back to Elects camp to see 21st and the 22nd elects... and well, a lot of changes have been made to the camp, but i hope that things are for the better. The effects of the training can only be seen in the work and efficiency the Elects display in their undertakings. They do have potential... but it remains to be seen how they use it to their best.

And I love my darling... :)

Dear Mandy...

Ok, I've officially graduated from BMT, and have been promoted from the rank of RECRUIT to the wonderful rank of PRIVATE. Sounds kinda ironic, but hey! It's the end of BMT, and the start of a new phase... it just means to me that my NS life is moving on, and soon, i hope, that it'll be over soon... being in NS is really a furore of feelings to me... and also a period of time whereby i face lots of competition to be the best... perhaps this environment is good for me in a sense... forcing me to try to be the best... but well, I'm also trying hard to be content with what I have, and who I am... I really don't wish to prove anything... just pass whatever i need to pass, meet the minimum requirement, do my best. I believe that's the best for me...

Also got back my A level results le, though not exactly fantastic, but it's enough to get me to university, so I'm more or less contented with what I have. I did make an improvement, as did a lot of us, so just take it with a pinch of salt, and move on from here. This period of my life is one frought with disappointments and setbacks, and I cannot deny that I have been affected by it in terms of confidence and other things, but life goes on as it always does. One can only pick himself up from where he fell and press on courageously, making sure that he puts in enough effort to not fall back into the same pit. Even if he does, he's gotta regain his footing again. That's life.

Thinking back on all the memories that I made in VS, VJC and also in some weird sense, BMT. Realise that we all have made our own time ours to hold and have, something that is quite a memorable incident. Jing-Yi asked me yesterday to state my most memorable moment and most satisfying moment in my Council term. I said my most satisfying moment was the day we all took off our tags... and I realised that we actually achieved more than what we set out to do... and we had met our vision and our objectives... we had succeeded. My most memorable moment, were the times when we had reflections, or like the presentation that joel made, or when we were reading the letters of thanks given by other councillors, and that feeling we all felt... that for one single moment, it was the same. It may have been in varying doses, but for that one moment, everyone was feeling the same emotion, and it is indeed, the time when 2oth was truly, truly united as one council. Wonder if what i said makes sense to u, but it does to me... :)

Being in NS has made me realise the importance of time management and maintaining friendships. As Shih Yuan said... Cherish ur friends well... and I really am trying... but unfortunately, NS doesn't allow much time for that when u are concurrently in ur training phase... and that kinda sucks, but I'm going to have to live with it. Would like to apologise now to the people that I have been neglecting for the past year or so, and would like to ask for your understanding that I'm trying to make time. SO please pardon me for being MIA for so long... esp to Kalyn and Abby... yeahz. So so sorry.

I shall end here now... till next time.

Heyz Mandy...

Been some time since i last logged on to talk to u.... things in the army aren't as what i expected it to be... And of course, things really have been spiralling in a way that I didn't expect. Let me go into whatever i can, cause I'm not allowed to disclose SAF things.

I'm slightly disillusioned by what I'm seeing... and NCC leadership is def a difference from SAF leadership, but both has it's good and bad points of course... but I do so much prefer the old style of leadership by example and uniformity of it all. Efficiency and decisiveness is also less seen, and honestly... it's not what i expected larz... that's all...

My platoon is not bad, quite interesting personalities and good people that I enjoy working and being with. But there's not that usual sense of camaraderie... it feels more.... temporary between me and a lot of them... things are much different now, and it's hard to know when pple are real and when they're not... yeahz...

I became more self conscious of the things i do, and how successful i am... pitting myself quietly against certain pple, and well, when i don't do well, i lose a major lot of confidence in myself. Also, I'm unable to clear a lot of things there in the army... fall sick easily, that kinda thing? Yeahz... and also not a lot of time to myself and my friends. Using snail mail to catch up with certain people, but i know for sure... I'm not keeping up with them, and our friendship will be strained in some sense... sadly. NS isn't really worth so much time and effort if it stand against a lot of things u believe in... But I have no choice... so I'll just have to do my best.

Time flies, but memories stay. That's something I'm realising. I'm losing the naive thoughts i used to have, and becoming accustomed to the touch and go of life, but the long lasting impressions of the memories forged seems more important. Don't get me wrong. I still cherish my close and best friends... but life isn't allowing me to know pple better. Sigh.

Peace out.

Heyz Mandy...

Haha... so well, xmas is over, and it was better than previous years... spent it with Yingz, and though it was somewhat like a normal date, it was still memorable in it's own little sweet way... :)

Had PT on monday, and well, i realised that my fitness level is quite bad! Couldn't finish running 4.8km... that's how bad i got... sighz... i need to work out. But well, time's running short and I'll have to take what i can... yupz... sighz.

I'm going to miss everybody... :(

Heyz Mandy...

I'm officially back from China, and well, it was quite a nice place... I loved the scenery a lot... and well, I can't say much about the food there... coz it may have been 7 to 8 course meal, but there are repetitive dishes... chicken, pork, rice, fish, vegetables... yeah. It would have been ok if it was a different style of cooking each time, but try it being cooked the same way every one in three meals, and u get what i mean... coz I was in China for 8 days... go figure. Not to mention, i became a temporary baby sitter... taking care of this pri3 kid, who dislikes the food there, dislikes being in china, and since I could explain stuff to him properly, and get him to eat stuff, his mom kept pushing him to me. IRRITATING! Sigh, but well, the weather was nice there... nice and cold... quite up my alley... haha... and, like Anhua said... the weather is nice, but the pple quite ba dao la... there's no such thing as a pedestrian crossing when one is drawn, but that's for a separate matter.

Back from China, and I realise i don't have enough time to finish writing all my xmas cards before xmas... so to pple who read me blog, I'll ensure u receive ur xmas cards before the 12th day of xmas k? Haha... before 1st jan, at the latest... yup. I have about 40 cards to write, and well, please be patient... to pple who don't get a card... I love u all the same... and Merry Xmas to you all... U're in my heart always.

I miss my darling... she went to HK and won't be back till 23rd Dec... sigh... haven't seen her for 14 days le...!! Come back soon...

Heyz Mandy...

Okay... in a blink of an eye, SDD and the 20th SC Overseas trip in Bintan have come to an end... :( sadly of course...

SDD

2nd December 2004 saw the V JC 20th Senior Dinner and Dance take place at (once again, as always) Ritz Carlton Millenia hotel... yeahz... I must admit I wasn't very keen on going for SDD, but I went along as well... well, in the end, I didn't regret it... I'm glad I went actually... the girls were very beautiful (dressed up in their prom gowns and their individual styles) and the guys all very handsome in their suits (I'd like to say for once, but that wouldn't be true!). The night went well, but what was really memorable about the night (it definitely wasn't the food), was the memories and the pictures taken... I finally realised who are the people who I should have spent time with, and who I really treasure deep down inside... yeahz... There's a small list of people... Rachel, Kristy Koh, Kristy P, Hui Yi, Dominique, Gracie, Hui Zhi, just to name a few girls, and the guys... Sanjay, Siva, Deepak, Sanjee, and so on... and of course me best friend in VJC, though I haven't been talking to her for quite some time, Anhua... it was quite amazing how I could feel so much and come to sudden realisations about all these things, but it felt really... enlightening... yeahz... :)

After SDD, Me and David walked all the way from Ritz to China Black (which is near Lido) and we counted 8 7-11s and 4 MRT stations along the way... haha... it was a memory by itself, and one that I can't forget... I mean, how often is it that u can actually find someone willing to walk that distance with you, and along the way, the various stops that we made... swiss-o-tel, the PS 7-11 where we made our pit stop, and the long wait that we made at 7-11 opposite China Black until 4am in the morning.... it was a nice closure to SDD... following the taxi ride home with Guan Yi, Mojo and Jeremias... memories in their own sweet way.

6th December 2004 saw the 14 members of the VHC 20th SC set off for a council overseas trip to Bintan. I reported at the wrong venue, and I had to take a taxi from one end of the country to the other... wow.. that wasn't fun k... and I still wasn't the last! Haha... then the hyper seasick ride on the choppy sea.... it was freaky to see one table after another puking into blue barf bags (manz... first time i saw blue barf bags! I always thot it was gray or brown!) Our room arrangement saw the girls having a connected triple rooms, me, siva, david, joel and jacob having the connected double-triple rooms and sanjay, sanjee and deepak having the single triple room. The DTI room was also personally termed the Danger room, what with Sanjee's shaving cream, and the numerous pranks that the three of them played. Sighz... the weather wasn't good for the first two days, what with rain and cold winds, and the EXORBITANT PRICES! Haha... anywayz... we spent time at the activity centre with the ladies breaking numerous high scores on picture difference spotting and word formation, me breaking the basketball score to tally 157 (only to have it broken by some guy at 159!!) and to see the rest play pool. After that, however, all of us braved the drizzle to go to the swimming pool to play on the slide and develop ways of sliding down the slides. From single to the 5some down the slide... it was pure fun! We had lunch and dinner at the hotel, and well... after that, we went to the beach... it was nice.. the beach at night... and we scaled the rocks and had nice chats. That night, the main guys room chatted whilst shanky went to the DTI room to play cards, and we slept about 2am...

Woke up, then breakfast, followed by rain... so we went to the activities centre again... each of us headed for different activities, but deepak and I went to swim. Then i successfully locked myself out of the room, and luckily it was rectified. Lunch was at a seafood restaurant that had a very nice view of the sea and not bad food! After that, we went back to the hotel (by then, some of us were quite broke) to rest for a while as we debated over our next plan. After that, Siva had to leave, and the main guys room stayed with him, then the guys congregated at the porch to say bye... and it was totally hilarious! What with the bows and the flashing of body to Siva from Sanjee... it was funny! Then we went to the deep pool to swim and ended up playing water polo and basketball until we had to change up to go Angsana for a sponsored dinner from David! The food was good, the ambience was good, and the music was good. The DTI room guys and I went to dance, and I was to sing a song with Sangeeta on stage... it didn't go very well, but it was enjoyable... yeah. It felt nice to have the support of the Councillors, and it reminded me very much of the VS Speech days. After that, we went to Pasar Oleh Oleh to shop, and we found a place with moderate prices! Haha... the girls couldn't get enough of shopping though... but after that, we went back to our hotel rooms, and gathered in the main guys' rooms. We ended up watching tv for a while, and Rachel fell asleep! Haha.. I started doing some personal stuff and then the DTI room guys came in to dance! Deepak went wild! We slept after that, and well, it was nice sleeping on my bed by the window... it was a nice place...

Then the funny moments. Deepak and Joanna acted as a couple on a holiday. The constant "take photo!", and the mishaps that we all had. From losing spectacles, to breaking pumps, to having a ball stuck up a banana tree, and of course, the occasional missing spectacles and my ring... to the butt cracks and the lame puns... all made everything so much more memorable!!

The third day gave us plenty of sunshine, and after breakfast, we went to the beach to crash the waves and enjoy the sunshine! The waves were HUGE!!! And well, only Rachel and Sangeeta stayed with us and the rest of the girls went back to Pasar Oleh Oleh to shop. It felt nice to revert back to the childish moments... :) Then we went to the pool to play water polo, and tired ourselves out dutifully. After which, we went to wash up and go to the ferry terminal. There was a weird kind of feeling that passed between us... an unspoken bond that seemed to hold each of us together in a chummy kind of way. It felt wonderful, to say the least, and each of us bonded. We boarded the ferry, and as it brought us further from Bintan, somehow, I could sense each of us spending some time thinking on the memories, reveling in the universal language of friendship and love that held us together... it may be fate, but as the boat left Bintan, and I seemed to be absorbed in my book, I said a silent thank you to the 14 councillors who made this trip even more special.

To Jelly: thanks for a wonderful organised trip! And of course, the calm way you handle stuff is just cool dude! U rock!
To David: A roommate with lots of puns to lighten up the day! And our resident drink provider with a big heart! Wicked!!
To Sanjee: You resident prankster! You kept suaning everyone, and made the trip truly enjoyable! And ur dances! Haha... well done!
To Sanjay: Oookkaayyy! Haha... one of the ladies' men! Your fun loving nature made u a fantastic presence! Cool dude!
To Siva: Ladies' man number one! And also the one who had heart to heart talks with some pple! All the best for ur interview!
To Jacob: The person who was so fun to hang around, but not with pillows around! A fantastic person, with lots of laughter! Totally tubular dude!
To Sangeeta: The girl who sleeps the latest! Haha... but also a nice person to talk to! Chill gal!
To Joanna: Shopping queen la you! Haha... but also a fun person to have had around! Love Deepak arhz!
To Melissa: Though rather quiet, it was nice to have u around... you're a comforting presence always! And encouraging too! Way to go!
To Sara: Princess will always be Princess! Haha... you and jelly were so good coordinating this trip! Thank you!
To Hui Yi: Must take care of urself k? Back le, so dun miss ahem too much k? Take care mei!
To Rachel: Perhaps the one I'm closest of the girls this trip... thanks for everything... You're great!! Awesome!

Take care people... :) Love u.

Heyz Mandy...

Well, A levels is finally coming to a close after a good 2 years of JC life, I can't say I'm not happy to see it end, but it is a rather weird feeling. As in, after two years of non stop mugging in JC life, I finally come to the end and reach what I personally call the black hole. I feel lost... like you know, a part of me is dead. I don't know how exactly to place it, but perhaps its the fact that studying has got me a lot more new friends, and friends I can probably relate to, but it seems to just... I don't know... be kinda drifty. It's quite appalling, but I guess if anything, VJC has taught me to be less naive, and be more true... to yourself. But of course, I always successfully hide behind a childish image that probably applies better for me. :)

That lost feeling... it's so... I don't know... weird? I always thought at the end of my mugging years, I'd be totally happy... well, I am, but i never thought I'd feel so lost and off. Maybe it's cause I made some really good friends that I drifted from them of late... Anhua, Kristy mei, Hui Yi, Hui Zhi, Grace... and I still can't help but miss talking to them, and you know, catching up on lost times... but ever since I obtained my enlistment date, I realised that I'm not superman cause I don't have too much time to catch up with each of them as well as I'd like to... Sigh... life's like that... I need more personal time to myself as well, and before I enlist, I'd like to spend as much time as I can with Ying... time's not on my side.

Ok, shall end here for now... till next time then k?

Heyz Mandy...

Well, GP, Chem essays and maths paper 1 are over, and to be honest? I'm not exactly very optimistic about the outcome, especially since the people around me have a high tendency to point out mistakes in the exam, and letting me feel even more insecure about my paper... but well, I'm not complaining.... I've grown to accept people... ok, most people for who they are and the things they do. :)

Thinking back on stuff, and I would like to tell people who happen to go past here that I'm thankful the the tiny facets of my life that had you in it... it may even be just simple hi, or an indirect notion of contact, but in anyway, I'm glad for the chances that I've been given to know each and every one of you in some way...

hmmmmmm.... got so many plans after a levels that I think i need an organiser... seriously. sighz... life after a levels... dunno how it'll be like... except for the green uniform part... but seriously... not looking very good at that moment... i hope things go well...

kkez, shall end here... take care pple!

THE OYSTER

Anonymous

There once was an Oyster

Whose story I tell,

Who found that some sand

Had got into his shell.

It was only a grain,

But it gave him great pain.

For oysters have feelings,

Although they're so plain.

Now, did he berate

The harsh workings of fate

That had brought him

To such a deplorable state?

Did he curse at the government,

Cry for election,

And claim that the sea should

Have given him protection?

No- he said to himself,

As he lay on a shell,

since I cannot remove it,

I shall try to improve it.

Now the years have rolled around,

As the years always do,

And he came to his ultimate

Destiny- stew.

And the small grain of sand

That had bothered him so

Was a beautiful pearl

All richly aglow.

Now the tale has a moral;

For isn't it grand

What an Oyster can do

With a morsel of sand?

What couldn't we do

If we'd only begin

With some of the things

That get under our skin?

Here's a poem I read out of chicken soup that is quite meaningful, isn't it? A simple analogy to an oyster, something that is a culinary delicacy, can exemplify traits like perseverance, tolerance and determination? Maybe it's time we all took a step back and thought about some of the things that we're going through at this point of time... we're not saints... but we have the opportunity to be heroes... heroes of ourselves.

Heyz Mandy...

How fast time flies... in a blink of an eye, A levels is just 4 days away... when the clock strikes midnight on the 3rd november 2004, it signifies that it has begun. The dreaded A Levels... oh well... it's a hurdle I have to cross anyway, so I guess it's better to go ahead with it and take it as it is...

I dropped Biology as I got EEOO for my preliminary examinations... not good at all, and well, I dropped after a lot of considerations as I guess I am more suited to persue 3 A level subjects than 4. It's definitely a better option for me, cause i have more time, but unfortunately, perhaps I should have done that earlier... yeahz....

Suddenly had the startling realization that I'm not exacly living my life for myself... like I let others rule my decisions, and I always think for the welfare of other people before I do anything. It is good to a certain extent, but similarly, it is bad as well... I realised that I need more personal time to myself... to pursue the things I love, and to do things my way... I so want to go for lessons on modern dance, to spend time to find back my poetry and stories, to spend time with the people I cherish, to spend time with Yingz, and to play basketball and improve on the sports i want to... there're so many things I have yet to do... and so little time left... I'm almost at the end of my teenage years... I'm a kadult... somewhere between a teen and an adult. Someone with the responsibilities of an adult, but with the restrictions of a teen... haha... in other words, a in-between.. to the people reading my blog, do u ever feel the same way?

I feel a need to focus more... haha... sounds like Acuvue Focus Dailies... nvm... being lame... Need to stop being swayed to play, and need to start doing more work, and knowing when and where not to do stuff. Need to get a hold on myself... but I'll be totally changing the way I am... sounds superficial... sigh... I'll just have to try my best I guess... but yet, I am aware of the fact that many a time, the best you give is not enough... Well... that's so ironic, but as the World works, there's always an opposite... as Newton's 3rd law suggests... for every force exerted on a body A, there is an equal and opposite force acting on Body A... sighz..

Hmm... there's a saying "every person that walks past you has a problem greater than you.". I guess it's relatively true... because for every aspect, there's always a problem at a higher level than you... and you'll never know until you have managed to earn the trust of that person, and that too takes time.... I like being the way I am... but well, I can't help that not everyone accepts me the way I am.. I'm aware of that fact... so, I'm sorry to people who can't accept me, because I'm not changing the way I am.

The battle is coming upon us... A levels... we are the army chosen to fight this war... let us place our best efforts and skills to the test, and let us press forward... together, let's conquer the paper for the pen is mightier than the sword. :)

All the best.

i wrote a long entry. I dedicated it to everyone. Now it's gone. sigh.

Heyz Mandy....
Been long... actually tried to log in an entry to you during GP a few weeks ago, but the computer hanged, and there went my entry... haha.. but all in all, it's been a month plus since I last wrote into you...

Prelims are officially in full swing, and I already messed up my GP essay, and today's Physics practical... seems like I can't do anything right at all... keep faltering and slipping here and there... and well, I seriously hope it's no reenactment of promotional exams... sighz... anwyayz... I'm trying my best to work hard, and I really want to get 4 Cs and above... but.. looking at the situation now, I'm just panicking and scaring myself.. literally. What's worse is I constantly have no mood to study, and it seems liks perhaps I need to put in more effort into everything... sigh.. not good at all... bleahz..

Hmmz... and well, I have drifted far away from Council... and the funny thing is, it feels good... A group of us established a study group that I personally call the "Late night roof climbing study group"... hehe... I'm sure that the meaning is quite literally put across... haha... just so you know... we have fun and establish a lot of adventures too! there's me, Ven. Ling Sze, Serene, Ivy, Aishah, Nat, Sanjay, Sanjiv, Amir, Meng Siong, Nicole, Marcus, Zhe Bin and a few more... oh, and we don't all study together... we stake out different areas, but we're the ones who stay till uber late... so yup! Go figure!

Quite like the view of school at night... nice ambience, and a really good sense of tranquility... yeahz... haha... and of course, lying down and looking at the sky, that I have yet to do so at night.. only in the day, and it's really... breathtaking... :) I can't wait for a chance to do that at night, and hopefully it's a night full of stars.

Coming to an end of my life in VJC, and I'm rather looking forward to it ending... yeahz... can't wait!! haha... but of coruse, i have only about a month and a half before I get shipped off to NS... fun huh? haha... life in S'pore's like that... you win some, you lose some... no biggie... used to it already actually... :P... except that to ensure I'm on a safe route, I have to do well for A levels... sigh... I'm going to try for prelims... I have to try... for my little angel... :)

All the best, everyone!

Hey Mandy...
kinda weird... life is so saddening nowadays... well, except for a couple of things that still make me smile and know that there's actually still stuff worth caring about in VJC nowdays... oh wellz.... what can I say right?

Ever realised that naive thinking can't ever seem to last? I keep realising it... always thought that people would never change, would always show you their true side3 when u work with them so much... i guess I was wrong... haiz... what ever happened...? I dunno... I just hope that well... people will sort of reflecT?

Realise also I'm losing my temper more easily nowadays... and getting really upset at the fact that I see some people wanting a lot of care and concern from people, but they don't show it to others... consideration maybe is lost... but i dunno... dun wanna tink anymore...

Heyz Mandy...
Oh well... this holidays is coming to an end, and well, I can safely say that I spent majority of this hols studying... What to do? A levels!!! It's the last lap of my JC life, and this will be the last stretch of studying before I take a 2 year plus detour to NS... seems to be the typical Singaporean lifestyle of a student... *bleahz*

Okay... just a little series of events in the coming days... School reopens and block tests begin... then it'll be prelim practical exams, one week break, prelim, farewell assembly... :(... then all the way to A level practical exams, then A levels... then SDD which I haven't decided I wanna go for yet, and then it's a new life, and probably enlistment in NS... sighz... fun? Not exactly... but it's more like a phase...

Anywayz... I probably can't be staying overnight for NCC Air camp 2004... so sad! Can't partake in Phantom Walk! kaoz... haha... oh well... life's full of ups and downs... I'll classify this as a down...

Hopefully I can do relatively well and clear everything for block tests... I'd hate to have to fall into remedial, and to be classified under that "danger case" once again... not fun, definitely... last week le... have to pia all the way... And I'm a goner for my biology... I'm serious... there's just not enough time to rest, play, work, study, sleep, eat... u get the idea...

OK! TIme to persevere and work on!

-Life is about knowing how to maximise the time you have, and living it to the max!!-

Heyz Mandy... been too too long huh? Shall update you now...

Yes yes, to people who are curious to know, I am attached, and yes, if you've read my tagboard, her name is Shi Ying. :) She's a wonderful angel, and we've been together for one month and 17 days... nahz... this blog isn't for me to write about our relationship, but it's just something to update about, coz well... I'm sure my jies and my close friends who frequent this blog will want to know. :)

Stepped down already... and Investiture was okay... though our off day was spent going for multiple match supports... cricket was postphoned in the end, but soccer guys... they won SAJC 4-1! And CJ scored a hat trick, and soccer captain Andy added the fourth... the atmoshere there really brought back memories of my term as a red shirt and it was a good match, all in all... I spent the whole day with Shi Ying... and thanks to her, I really managed to maintain my composure despite crying in the morning during investiture... stepping down, and taking off my name tag... oh wells... :) thanks dear!

VJC managed to do pretty well so far in the sports sections... Hockey girls and soccer guys got champions! Table tennis girls, cricket guys, badminton girls managed to get first runners-ups! Tennis guys and girls got second runners up, cross country got both team third... Hopefully this winning streak will stetch on to kayaking, track and field, swimming... yeahz...

Had a LOONG chat with Bryan yesterday during Council room cleanup, and realised I really miss VSPB and the times I spent in NCC AIR and in VS... times really fly... and well, now I'm in year 2... and wishing I have more time to spend to have heartfelt talks with people, or just to do one last event together... but it's all over now... regrets will be there... 20th could have been a much more dynamic council... that's my biggest regret... but no point saying anything now... yeahz... must learn to let go.

Heyz Mandy...

Well, a lot has happened of late... let's see what happened... :p

Sports day... leading up to it was 5 days of intensive and time-wasting cheerleading practice... oh well... not that I would have bothered udner normal circumstance, but the fact that there was a Maths test that Saturday, I got kinda pissed off anywayz... yeahz... Luckily my partner was Jacinth... otherwise, I may have just erupted... :P

Anywayz, the training paid off when we clinched 2nd for CHeerleading Comp... but unfortunately, Pegasus came in last for the VJC Annual Sports meet.... hehe... u win some u lose some... ran 4 * 400m as well, but unfortunately, we came in last too... ran my best... but felt I could have done much much better... Anywayz, thanks to my angel who noted my unhappiness and came to find me, and spent the whole time with me... I really appreciate everything that you've done for me... From the time you came to look for me until the time you left... Every little detail... :) Still stays within me.

Maths test went okayz, but of course, there were the little flaws that me, being me, was prone to making... but oh wellz... no place for regrets, will have to work harder... but of course, I'll also have to hope with all my heart that the teachers don't decide to put the test immediately after a huge event... yeahz....

Yesterday we had a looong meeting about the restructure of Council... I ended up leaving hyperly pissed off, and thinking about what Bryan told me... haha... in a sense, and ironically, he has a point... oh well... what can I do or say... I'm stepping down in abt less than a month... I shall just do what I can, in the hope that 21st will buck up, and everything else that goes along with it...

Okayz, that's it for now... will update more next time. :)

Heyz Mandy...

Been sometime... and well, I'm becoming more and more disappointed with the way things are becoming... I mean... I'm already trying my utmost best to do what I can sometimes... and when things don't go well, I do get pissed off... and what some people can do, is just say that I got pissed off again, because that's just me, and say things like how they don't see how my getting pissed off can get anything done. I mean, they didn't even do anything to help out, and all they can do is comment and comment and comment... okay, so some people who tried to help did tell me to relax more often, get less pissed... but seriously speaking... I really feel like not committing to Council anymore. I mean, what's the point? I feel like I'm giving my all, losing all my personal time to a cause I dedicated myself to, for serving the school, and in the end, it just ends off with Councillors who are letting go because 21st has become more active, because of personal, ugly reasons that they harbour... how ironic...

Now, Siva has taken the optional idea... so now, pple can just come if they want to, and if they don't, then just do it ourselves... I really think no point making ourselves worried about attendance and committment anymore... it's just one more added problem I don't have the energy and the capacity to border over... it's easier to do things yourself.

Dear Mandy...

Heyz... I really feel hyperly out of place... haha... no matter where I go... in Council too... and I dunno... bu I feel like there's nothing much I can do except just carry on with life... heard a lot of things from people who I talked to yesterday, and it really got me thinking... about a lot fo things... about 20th, and some other stuff.

Looking at my previous entry, I suddenly feel that a lot of things can never be an idealistic case... it's like... I realised that I always believed that every single Councillor joined Council with some intention to serve Victoria... that word... VICTORIA, the epitome of my existence in Council. But as I look at the attitudes that some of us are adopting now... I'm seriously seeing for myself the true colours of certain people. How ironic... we have not even stepped down yet, and already we are acting like we are. Has everyone forgotten that we still have to guide 21st? Or have they already taken that their term of being in 20th is finally over, they have their personal time now? I seriously wonder... what did being a Councillor mean to some people, and how much was your intention to serve prevalent over your own personal reasons? True, without a doubt, throughout our term, people were committed, people served... but now that 21st is gradually taking over our duties, does it mean that we should have every reason to stop our work, to stop doing our work, to stop doing things in general? Look at something simple like Welfare Room duty, for example... enough said... We keep telling 21st to buck up, to put in more committment, to be exemplary Councillors... let me pose a question: Are we setting the example for them? I guess the answer will definitely vary from person to person, so yeah... I shan't comment. In fact, I know that I probably don't have the right to ask that question to everyone directly, because, like a lot of people would disagree, and continue arguing, saying that a lot of things come first... that 21st should be smart enough to know things, they should buck up themselves... but well, we should think about ourselves first. Evaluate ourselves first. I try so darn hard to set an example for them... but... nvm. People will just say I'm letting my emotions get the better of me anyway, no point. Well, I'm sorry for saying all these out to you, Mandy, but I seriously don't know how else to say things... because since nobody will agree/listen to them anyway, I can only turn to you.

Today, Jacob and Siva brought up the box to collect the Councillors letters to each other, to like, tell each other how we feel... and I have a lot to say... because as individuals, we all are special... but well... I dunno. The idea seems to have lost its impact on me... and I'm surprised that it has... though I still do support the idea and everything, but honest words from my heart are: I've lost all feeling from my heart for now, except to a special person. Give me some time to heal and get back my heart's feelings before I say anything else, but now, my heart seems to be filled with bitterness and a lot of hurt and pain... Haha... wonder how long I've kept all these feelings bottled up inside of me... perhaps... too long... yeahz... and now at the end of the term, I just gotta find some avenue to let it out... sorry Mandy.... yeahz... but thank you.

Shall end off here... see you.

Dear Mandy...
Back in the computer lab for GP, and surprisingly, I'm beginning to see things from an alternate point of view... suddenly out of the blue, I'm beginning to grow more and more unhappy at the things that are happening with regards to lessons, and Council. Its's like, I feel like as though I'm losing my patience, and getting tired out more easily... Let me see...

I feel like I've reached saturation point for lessons now... so so sick and tired of everything that is going on... taking time off to be alone and have personal thoughts is so difficult, and well, everything is going at a pace that is so frightfully fast, that keeping up seems to be all that I'm doing every single day... time to rest is lost, and now, I can't even control my attention span in class. It just seems as though I can only sit there, but I'm only physically there... I'm not there mentally... and I end up falling asleep against my will... the need to replenish my lack fo sleep is such a huge urge... and well... this can't keep up, but I'm afraid that it already has... I don't want a repeat of last year's falling ill just before Promos, and doing badly again... but what can I do? Everyday there's something new that disallows me to even call in sick... thankfully, the illnesses that I have been facing are relatively minor, and in a few days, I'll automatically heal and be back on my feet,.... but how much longer can my body keep up with this mental torture? I seriously am in doubt.

Okayz... and now, I dunno. I mean, when the year began and we had that major thrashing out session with 20th, everything went smoothly... it actually was FUN doing things, even if it was like, dirty work? But now... where has all that commitment gone to? Where is everyone's sense of belonging, and are people still looking out for each other, or are they just there for the sake of being there? There's so many things going on, and I can only stand and watch and stare, because I've come to realise that I don't belong in the Council... I just don't fit in. I don't know if it was my being myself that caused this... little... I don't know, feeling to have grown and bred inside of me, until now, it's extremely unbearable? It's so ironic... because I can safely say that people don't listen... yeahz... and though I agree that I'm also partly at fault, and guilty of that particular trait too, but all the differing opinions of Councillors in 20th have seriously turned against us. Add on the fact that there's a lot of animosity that is being kept under the carpet, just not being said out, says alot about people. I guess that a lot of us just want to end off our term happily? But I seriously am tired of everything... I'll tell you more next time, Mandy...

Thank goodness I still have my dear angel (my junior). Without her, I'm afraid that I would have broken down a long time ago.

Dear Mandy...
Suddenly sitting inside the Computer room, having GP lesson, but somehow, my mind is not on the lesson... but I've just been thinking about a lot of things... yeahz... and I don't know, but I think I want to be left alone... really really left alone from everything in the World. I saw/inferred/deduced, or whatever you want to call it, a lot of things in the last few days... and thinking of it, I realised that I'm pretty much not as good as everyone thought me to be, and I seem to see that some people are not acting they way they are around you, and for the first time in a long time, I feel that there's not much point in being myself to certain people... it's not just teachers, it's also students...

I... dunno what to say or do, but I know that there are people out there who need me to be there for them... and I will do that... yeahz... And to be honest, I'm getting more hurt and upset than I normally am... add on the new stressload that the Council has been under, I'm afraid that there's only so much I can take... but how much more can I take? I really am unsure... but I guess I'll go the whole way... but I'm seriously uncertain... Because the person that I needed to be there for me... or one of my two closest friends in Council... seriously isn't there. And yet, she's there for other people. Yeahz... I'm not in the mood to say anything more now, Mandy... but I seriously think that 21st may be closer to me now... then perhaps some members of 20th.

I'm really sad that I had to say that... but perhaps it may be true.