Irritated... the stupid com had to jam, and now my most precious poem is gone... so saddening. Haiz, so sick of life in general. Its a mess. Lacking behind in studies... ECO has many problems that may come... Council internal conflicts has began, oh man, can't believe I actually feel like crying and feeling this pain in my heart. How did we end up like this? I know that htese problems will be inevitable, but its really so hard to accept the fact that its like that. Elects now don't feel like much of a home anymore.. we seem to be divided, not together... and there's so many requirements of me as a person and as an EXCO member... image... that irritating word, which has been stressed to me one time too many.
And then, the thrashing sessions that are coming up pretty soon. Just hope things don't turn out bad. Slipping into that self-depression and inferiority complex again... once again it has surfaced. Let it take over... I;m seriously no longer in the mood to care abt myself anymore... just slip into depression la. Just for once, when I can not worry abt the things that I'm being expected to fulfil... just for once... to be a good and simple friend. And to be a good and simple person... is it really that hard to ask/

-Daniel-

Ok,so its the release of the Presidential Election results tomorrow... I don't know, but I get this hunch that I may not be the President, ever since I heard that the charts of votes per candidate were out on the plasma screen, I got very demoralised... even though the fact that it wasn't according to candidate number and it kept jumping about, but there is one candidate whose number of votes is easily double the next candidate, and it really feels demoralising. Was very upset, and even though the charts got taken off, the feeling just totally felt horrible.
I've decided to let things go naturally and just go with the flow... should listen to my heart and where it takes me already. No point clinging on to something that will never be mine... I just get hurt more and more, easily depressed. Haiz... Rachel is right I guess... :)
20th invest banner is looking really good, and coming on really nicely, but throughout my part of painting, I was just painting mindlessly, concentrating on what I was doing... yeah, it was really nice to be all together again, but somehow... I just didn't feel in it... could be the fact that Sharon was pissed when I was teasing her and she just flared her anger on me... I'm seriously needing to keep myself in check... less sensitive... i managed to suppress my hurt, but to be honest, I'm seriously wondering if i made the right choice...
Jasmine just told me to look on the bright side of life and move on... I've done my best and what I can for the Elections, so no matter what happens, I have to be happy and proud of what I've achieved so far. Thanks Jasmine... I'll keep that in mind... :)

I am so confused... I don't know whats come over me... I can't tell my feelings, I can't grab a hold of my feelings... I'm feeling so lost... like I'm spiralling around in this zone, that won't let me go. I'm feeling like I have no identity... like I'm nobody... why? Why am I feeling this way? At this time? When... I can't be this weak... but I just want to hide away... i just feel like crying... YEsterday, was crashing the RSPT meeting, and then I borrowed Rachel's shoulder, just to lie on... and things felt much better. But I don't want to burden anybody with anything. Rachel believed me when I said that I was just tired, but deep down inside, I know that that isn't the case.
Just... just could somebody... please tell me what's wrong with me? Please?

Tomorrow will be the start of 3 days of speeches and question and answer sessions. I'm getting ready to get personally bombed for Q and A already... but... so scared that I can't be strong. And 20th too... yesterday, there was an O2 evaluation, and it dragged on for veyr long, from 10.30pm till 2am in the morning... I got tired, so my patience got fried... and when ZheBin just said that he wanted to talk to the invest ad hoc abt our mistakes when it is so obvious that they have gotten the main problems solved, I just lost it, and got very agitated. Haiz... can't help it, think that ZheBin and I can't really work together, no matter how I try. Haiz... how? This isn't how its supposed to be right? Sighzy... another problem to solve.

Another problem that just came into the picture... my studies... still have to find a way to balance everything... and so far, the only solution is to sleep less. :( Haiz, I need to get my act together... so much stress... :(

I MISS JACQUELINE TANG XUAN XIU! Haha... such big letters some more... can't help it, ever since she left VJC, though a lot of the Elects don't say it, deep down, they do miss her. She's really a sweet and gentle girl... haiz... I need her around... she's my closest friend of the Elects... even though there's still Grace, Rachel, Joanna and Melissa, my new closer friends... no one can really replace Jac... she's special. Haiz...

Well... I have officially worn the grey tag. The tag that was these two big words... "Presidential Candidate" and the stress is on. I'm trying to control my enthusiasm, and my emotions, and its been hard... maybe I haven;'t been trying enough. I'm still quite hyper active, and still do speak what comes in my mind. Looks like I'm going to be whacked by the VJC Cohort for Question and Answer... I'm going to have to be strong... and not think so much abt it.... Until its over... then I'll find somewhere to be alone.

Invest prep has started! Its a hectic schedule again, and I'm happy... I'm back with the Elects... that's what matters. I'm in programme and in charge of the entrance and music... yay... something that I am quite happy to do. haha... but I have to make the entrance simple... haiz... and narrow and straight... dunno what to say le... :S

HAMSTER DANCE! Hahaha... Elects' Dance... is still only at the first 1 min 15 secs of it... :) how fun! haha... but i have fun doing the dance... :)

"Times may be hard,
Some people may grit and bear it
But we are 20th Elects, precise as a dart
We just smile and do it.
Together we'll move on
No one left behind
Let bygones be bygones
Always you are a part
Once an Elect always an elect
A 20th quote we hold dear
To Jac, Lynn, Evelyn, a pact
Always a part of 20th, not just words mere."
-Daniel Lim-

Today felt really weird. Feel like crying as well... seriously don't know what's coming over me. Tomorrow school will reopen, and I miss the 20th Elects so much... its surprising how I've managed to go through everything in VS mostly by myself, but now that I've come to VJC, I'm becoming more and more vulnerable and sensitive. Can I... can I actually change myself? Will I be able to? I'm seriously starting to doubt myself already... can I carry on? Will I let 20th down? Am I a good presidential candidate? I won't pull out, its not me to pull out when things have already gone this far... but... things are so confusing now... I need Abby and Peishan to be around... but perhaps... this time, I'm seriously on my own.

Invest prep, morning duties, lessons, presidential elections will all be carried out simultaneously starting tomorrow. There's so much work to be done, looks like its going to be one really high ride coming to a place near you.

"To be strong is something that we all want to be
But take a time to pause and maybe you will see
That strength and courage isn't the strength u need
Instead its the heart inside that completed the deed."
-Daniel Lim-

Yesterday's grooming session was nothing near fun... on the contrary, it was totally weird. All of us got individual comments, and well, mine was actually quite expected, but not the one about me going on stage and kissing people... now where did that come from... haiz... no matter what, the entire grooming session was just about stage presence and body language and image... how to act so well, and not disgrace 20th, 19th or the teachers in charge of Council... making me feel that the elections are more or less becoming sort of like a facade... something that isn't really very real, nor true. Something pre planned... and now, I seriously don't know what to write for my speech at all. :(

Had a really long chat with Rachel yesterday, and I realised that the Elects may only seem united... deep down inside, there's quite a bit of unhappiness towards each other... all being suppressed. And Rachel pointed out a lot of things... elections to be Elects should be altered slightly, so that its not based on popularity... and some other stuff... it was a really rewarding hour and a half phone call yesterday... hope Rachel isn't too tired out today because of it.

The stress is on. Feel totally horrible and out of place, even more since now Mrs. Ting's grooming session. A speech that is 5 to 10 minutes long... a dignified, impactful, relevant speech, that seriously, I find very hard to write... how in the World am I going to be able to keep the VJC student population attentive!? And make it 4 speeches... haiz... its one feat I'm going to find difficult... this elections is truthfully getting more arduous as the time passes... :(

Well... I got into the top 4 presidential candidates, and to be honest, I don't feel really up to the mark. I'm so scared of what may happen next. Question and answer sessions... the constant awareness about image... the stress... its all coming on. What if i can't balance my grades and council work? Won't I be letting the Council down? All these thoughts... keep running through my head.. like a relentless bullet train that doesn't stop working. Haiz... I can only take things one step at a time I guess.

Today, Fedora questioned me if I still liked Anthea... think she's disgusted with me for gradually not liking Anthea le... but how can I explain? I can't like a girl who can demoralise me so much, now can I? Not saying that... Anthea is a very nice girl, but... I would like someone who has the ability to encourage me, even though she's not on about the school, but at least someone who is willing to try, because his or her friend is trying his or her best to do something. I don't think I'm making sense...

SARS getting worse... now, its 6 pple dead... haiz. School may be extended... and then what about investiture? Will it still be on 22nd Apr 2003? So many things happening at the same time... its a miracle that my mind hasn't exploded from too many thoughts going through my head... :)

"Tomorrow is a brighter day,
Or so, some people say
But somedays, it isn't so...
Coz days have different flows...
I wish for your days to be good
And you'll always be in a happy mood
Cause when you're happy, I'm at ease...
As I love you more than this"
-Daniel Lim-

"Tonight the stars shall shine so bright
In honour of your beauty
The moon may hide for its so bright
The stars that shine for me
Its amazing how the light appears
from ur eyes when you smile...
Stars so far and yet so near...
Caught in your eyes beguiled"
-Daniel Lim-

Today is my first time writing in this blog... kinda weird, but hey, don't new things start out weird from the very beginning? Should give a big thank you to Rachel for getting me in this... haha... can't help it, this idea was too tempting to give up. Always been looking for new options so I can get my thoughts down ASAP, without any worries that I may forget it as time goes by... now finally have a spot on the net to do this... so my first entry will hereby be dedicated to my dear friend, Rachel Chia... hehe... Thanx Rach! I owe you one!

The SARS outbreak is basically driving a lot of pple nuts... hehe... no offense or anything... but well... I guess its natural to worry. Surprisingly, the 20th Elects are still the same... still happy-go-lucky and "crazy" to a certain extent, but guess we do feel for the victims... so much that I wanna get it... feel how it is like, and then I can better understand the pple who are suffering from it... then perhaps I can help ease their suffering, coz I know what they want and how they feel. Guess this is a little far fetched... :)

I can't believe I actually made it as a candidate for presidential elections for the 20th SC... a lot of fears have recently slipped into my mind... and well... feels really pressurized despite the fact that I may not become top 4... but the stress is on. Just thinking of what Chi Ching, Max, Jason and Amy have told me... to watch out more for my image... haiz... i was expecting it anywayz, the warning abt being too emotional to come along someday... :s

I miss Jacqueline... though I said I'd only be her friend, won't cross that line.. deep down inside, I still do like her a lot... and I seriously wish things took a different direction. I undestand her reasons, but it feels kinda unfair, and yet, I can never get angry at her... I miss her a lot.

Ok, shall end my first entry here, on my birthday as well.. how quaint! haha... I love 20th SC... they are the most wonderful lot of people... nil sine labore