Dear Mandy...

Suddenly being put to think about some stuff... didn't do a lot of studying today, and I dunno... was just put to think about a lot of stuff... the past few days... a lot of people suddenly called me... and I realised how bad I have been to be neglecting them and not trying to keep in contact... Abby, Lee Min, Kalyn, Erica, Samantha... haiz... and I also learnt alot of stuff from them...

Abby's kinda depressed about her life now... Lee Min's happy with hers, but worried for me, Kalyn wants to take a pic with me and she misses me, Erica says her board is going to collapse, and Samantha's going through a rough patch... I so want to be able to be there for them... but I can't even handle my own life... haiz... I am so screwed manz... hate JC life... but I will try my best...

Thinking back about the day I first became a nominee until now... the ups and downs we have had being in the Council. Shih Yuan just told me something, that has made everything seem so clear. The Council is made of many individual talents... and each to their own flaws and strengths. And you are proud of the Council when everyone maximises their potentials, and disappointed because of their flaws. How so true... thanks Shih... you summed up everything for me in just two sentences...

Suddenly feeling like I'm not a good Exco member... I think I've failed being one... I wasn't able to bond the Council... wasn't able to keep everyone's commitment in check... wasn't able to maximise the potential of people... wasn't able to do a lot of things that an Exco member should... I don't know... haiz... :(

Okayz... I think I should end here... gd nite

Heyz Mandy...

Oh well, had the Orientation bbq yesterday, and well, a lot has been happening of late, so maybe it's time to update ya...

Okayz... well, because of my fantastic results... I am in remedial programs and also under a pending talk with Mrs. Foo because I think that she may want me to drop a subject. but I don't want to... I shall try to common test one... but I seriously hope that I can pull my grades up... I'm worried about it... haiz... must work darn hard...

Then the orientation bbq yesterday... it was like so cool... haha... I spent less time eating (amazingly) and more time talking to the year 1s... suddenly I feel kinda regretful that I didn't get to know them better... Kandy, Ngee Leng, Yeowmay and Geraldine and a lot others... haha... and of course, spending time with Chiew Mei, Ling-Jen, Valmond and Jacinth. Add on Sam, Hui QIng, Zongwei, Chun Ying, YuYun, Priscilla Lua, Hwee Han and Maggie... the night did go well... Yesterday was also Melissa and Jacinth's birthdays... celebrated Liss's in style... haha... cake at the beach... and JAcinth and I took a picture whereby I carried her... haha... had a nice time... :)

Suddenly feeling like the time is passing so fast... like yesterday... we reached the pit at 7++ pm, and like, as I was talking, the time just kept flying until suddenly it was already 9++ pm... and by 10pm, I had to leave. So, Chiew, Ling-Jen and I went off... and on the way back, Sarah Ee smsed me... haiz... and the three of us were really saddened... wanted so badly to help her, but there was so little we could do... then, Chiew opened up to me more in the car, and I realised that actually, she's a very strong and independent girl... :) I like Chiew... she's such a nice girl, and her words and everything are always so heartfelt and true... I found another wonderful friend in Chiew... :)

I can't help but think about everything that has happened so far... and I wish that it would slow down... singing council song yesterday almost made me cry... argh... gotta stop being emotional over these things le... haiz... but how to? I really am going to miss everything... and everyone so so so much... haiz...

Dear Mandy...

Okayz... now it's time to update you on Orientation. Well, I had my re-assessments in the midst of Orientation, and I passed Maths re, but flunked physics and chem re.... haiz... I really have to buck up for this year and do well for my studies... I don't have much choice. Must buck up...

Okay, for Orientation, I'm attached to Triton... together with Chiew Mei, Chun Ying, YuYun, Hwee Han, Priscilla, Jacinth, Sara, Lynette, Zahida, YunXin, Ling-Jen, Hui Qing, Bingliang, Sam, Valmond, Joel, James, Kylash and Tze Yeong. My OG is a good OG... the OGLs are enthusiastic and spontaneous... and they are appreciative and sensitive too... I really am glad to have been in Triton. And I got closer to Chiew, and my boyfren, Chun, and Jacinth.... Of course, Hwee, Pris, Ling-Jen and Hui Qing are nice to me, and Kylash, Sam were great too. Haiz... I love Triton...

Being mass dance I/C and in charge of teaching the mass dances, I really am appalled at the response I get from the OGLs... everyone is so supportive of me... and I'm really upset that I couldn't be as good as you all would have wanted it to be... there were so many restrictions... Cheering went pretty well, and the warm-ups were totally creative! Haha... can't help but like the warm-ups... :P

But of course, as in every event, and especially for one that lasted 5 days, there are the downs to the event as well... There were some instances whereby I got pissed off at the Councillors, and especially for certain people... it's like... haiz... nvm... just that I realised that some people are not what they seem to be, and some people have been hiding things for a long long time.

Then at nite-o, the last time we will ever be dancing the SDD dance... It was so sad.... and the way we made our entrance... they announced each couple's names... and then, the reaction we all got was so fantastic... It was truly a moment to remember... the dance went quite smoothly... but when it ended, i cried on Kristy mei's shoulders... I was just so sad... and don't even talk about after nite-o... Triton OGLs went around hugging each other, thanking each other, and we ended up in a group hug and I cried again. Haha...

Then today's sea regatta... OGLs basically had nothing much to do... so we ended up dunking everyone we saw. And staying in the sea of course. That was fun... then Yunxin dislocated her knee while dancing mass dance... and it was so bad that we had to call an ambulance.She was crying very badly, coz it hurt a lot a lot... and we were all kinda freaked out... I still am, actually, but I hope Yunxin gets better... she's a nice girl...

Finally... on to the end... when sea regatta ended... I cried badly. This time on Shahidah and Priscilla Li's shoulders...It was over so fast... too fast in fact... I can't believe it... haiz... it's study time alright... and once this week is over, it's pure mugging time...

I'm really happy with the way my friendship with her is blossoming... this is a new her I'm talking about... haha... As in, I dunno... I just hope things get better between us as time goes by... :)

Okayz, been quite an entry already, and it's kinda late... shall hit the sack soon... take care Mandy...

Dear Mandy...
Orientation just ended and I cried... a lot a lot of times... twice in fact... but oh well... I'll leave the stories for a later date... :)

Anyway, I just wanna say a big thank you to a special person who has been there for me every step of this big ordeal, supporting me and being one of the closest friends I can ever find... Kristy mei... thank you.

Heyz Mandy...

I think today's orientation went very very well, but of course, there was the swapping of remarks between me and Edrei and Li Juan on the ride home, and there were of course the hidden remarks... I don't want to talk about it here, because I think that they have the right to tell people if they want to, but I can only say that I think that I'm finally seeing some people for who they really are. About time too I guess... haha... can't believe I'm saying this.

Want to take a stroll down the beach again... just want to hear the soft lulling of the waves on the rocks and to be able to feel the tranquility... but I wouldn't want to be alone.... the last time i did this was with Jessie... just me and her la... and we talked about so many things... we talked non-stop for 4 hrs... haha... miss those times...

Looking back on 2004, I realise that I made a lot of good friends in JC... shall name them now... from VJC: Kristy Koh, Chen AnHua, Gan Hui Yi, Joanna Wee, Seah Hui Zhi, Rachel Chia, Grace Natalia, Sara Lin, Kwan Li Juan, Lynette Wee, Dominique Pang, Lim Chiew Mei, Siva, Edrei Tan, Philip Deepak... ok, the list will go on if I do write down the pple who have been totally dear to me this year... but if I really can only choose 3 people who I care the most from the girls and the guys... I can tell you straight who they are... but of course I shan't disclose who they are....

Outside of VJC... Abby angel, Jessie twin, Jessamyn darling, Vee dear, Michelle jie... and a whole load of pple.... :) Thanks for making 2003 a bearable one for me... I love u all lots.

Here's wishing my dear pardner all the best for her ballet examinations!! :P

Heyz Mandy...

Well, OGL Camp is finally over, but it wasn't as good as I thought it would have been... a lot of things happened, and well, at the end of the camp, I was actually tearing... haiz... and it's not because I was sentimental about the camp ending or anything, believe me... it's just... I guess I got too tired and let my emotions get the better of me... it's a loong story... and I don't want to repeat it anymore... let my pardner and Kristy mei know is enough le...

OGL camp was quite fun to be honest... but the only thing that seemed kinda wrong was the fact that the Councillors wanted to be more serious with the OGLs... I guess they had their own reasons, but I thought the OGLs were quite good already... oh well.. I shan't comment here at all... but in the end, coz the camp ended quite well, then I guess that it's ok. Alls well that ends well...

Updated my story blog... so go help urself if u'd like to read more... and welcome to my twinnie darling, Dominique! Haha...hi twinnie! Love u!

Kkez, shall end here... me going to slp soon... take care Mandy...

Heya Mandy...
here's a new blog that has spurned off from you... this however, is a story blog... i'll keep adding excerpts from the story I'm working on to it... and well... the present one is entitled "Wish I knew".

THe addy is: http://treklove2.blogspot.com/

Feel free to go through it. :P

Heyz Mandy...
Merry Christmas to everyone... haha... hope this year will be a great christmas for you pple and may 2004 be a good year for everyone... :)

Okayz... now, I'm kinda scared of Orientation 1, what with everything that's going on... haha... the turnout for one hasn't exactly been up to the kinda standard that I would like it to be... and I'm pretty sure that it would have been more fun in we did have a lot a lot of people turning up for Council camp... :) oh well... I'm sure everyone has their own committments. :)

And I miss Kristy mei... she's fallen sick and is quite ill, judging from her voice and everything... but hey, she's strong... she'll jump back on in no time at all... haha... :)

And of course, I miss Grace... haha... she's gone to Indonesia for a good month and a half! Gosh... haha... so long rite? Come back soon Sweetie... and I have a new darling called Lynette Wee... haha... funny how my life takes a twist every now and then...

Met up with Sarah the other day... my mei... and she's going to ACJC... kinda sad... but I hope she'll come to VJC after 3 mths... I know she's always wanted to come into VJC.

OKayz... once again, merry christmas, and I'm going to study some maths... :P

Heyz Mandy...
After so long, I finally can blog without having the hassels of seeing this warning sign pop up with every single letter I put in an entry.. haha... so much has happened, so much to say...

SDD is the most recent big thing that has happened, but I shall talk about 2 very special people that have made life for me easier during this period of time... Hui Yi mei and Kristy mei. Hui Yi mei... thanks for accepting me for who I am, and always providing me with lots and lots of care and concern and always listening to me talk about my problems... I'm sorry I can't cheer you up and be a good kor to you. Kristy mei... thanks for the quiet moments we have when I'm with you... though we don't exchange a lot of words when we're together, but the silence that is between us is somehow very comforting and memorable in it's own gentle way. I'm sorry I'm not good company to you, but hopefully things get better with time.

A BIG FAT WELCOME TO MY PARDNER, HUI ZHI!!

SDD night was a magical night to say the least. Preparations was surprisingly quick and fun, and we flew about it like no problems at all... dance rehearsals were pulled off, and I daresay that Benny and I have good taste in walk-in music, choosing "True True" by Cagnet... it sort of gave the whole dance a romantic effect and i felt really touched at the effect it brought out. Then we went to change and get ready for the HORDE OF YEAR 2S.

I saw Chi Ching mommy first, and she was so sweet! She made these name tags for the WHOLE 19TH, and each had a personal message to him/her... so sweet right? Of course wad, my mommy lor... then I gave her her necklace, and she was so happy... I love me mommy. And I gave 6 other 19th presents... Wendy got this huge stuffed doggie that the 20th girls fell in love with, and Xue Ni got a bracelet... Jac was so surprised I got her something from Perlini's, Han Joo felt she didn't deserve it, but Han Joo's such a nice senior to me!! I think Han Joo is a very good angel to me... :)
Doreen was touched by my present, but most of all... Jeng Ying jie was also very very nice. She wore this green dress that 19th chipped in to get for her birthday, and when she saw the Perlini's, she was like "Oh my gosh! Thank you! Big HUG!"... I love me jie jie too!! Haiz... realised I;m going to miss 19th a lot a lot... especially the people i gave presents to... and of course, some of the guys... like HArminder, Harish, Kin Fei and Max.. and Sadu of course. Haiz...

Then SDD began... and all too soon, the dance began. We pulled off a relatively good dance... days of practise finally pulled off, and I was genuinely touched when I saw Melissa and the adhoc's faces of pride and happiness. They were gushing about the dance, saying that it was very nice... I guess for me, seeing them so happy made all the practises worth it... So if you ever come by, Liss, I'm glad that we made you happy.

The rest of the night went by pretty smoothly... and A LOT of seniors took photos with me... haiz... i'm gonna miss everyone... the dance item was really nice... and I bought roses to give to Lauretta, Rachel, Hui Yi and Joanna... haha... oh well... what can i say? Roses are beautiful, like the people I gave them to. Then we had to clean up... was a bit pissed off at the briefing we had before that, but i guess it fueled me to work really hard, and everyone was motivated too. In no time, we cleared up the banners and our cleanup, debrief was short, and time spent after that was very interesting.

We headed for two trips to 7-11... one all guy one girl trip, then one group outing, with which i went back early with er jie and Rachel... yeahz... then we slept for only one hour, and after that, we all went our respective ways the next morning. Some went to school, but others went home... it was a night to remember, definitely...

Heyz Mandy....

I'm seriously tired out... life is taking it's toll on me, and well..... it doesn't help that at the class chalet, I only spend the nights with my class... I enjoyed myself throughly at night.... the chat sessions, the bowling, the late night snack shopping, the movies... and most importantly, the company. I really got to know Pris, I-Lynn, Sanjee, Mojo, Leo, Jerry and ManHon a lot better, but what really was memorable for me... was the fact that I actually let go of some of the stress and actually felt relaxed for once... thanks to my beloved 03S13... u guys rock!

Okay.... she's still always there for me! That's really heartwarming to know... :P... I know, it's kinda dumb, but well, she may only want to be friends, but I really like her still... I dunno... just hope that things work out in the end...

Okie... me wanna write a story.

The void deck seemed to have an eerie glow in the dim moonlight. He sighed and slumped deeper down. The walls around him seemed to resemble a prison, closing in on him, shutting him away from the troubles of the world. Surprisingly, he welcomed the feeling of loneliness, reveling in the fact that he would be alone, away from the tribulations he had been going through.

His body was battered and bruised, and he could taste blood on his lips. He was always getting himself into such fixes, not knowing how difficult the situation was until he was in too deep... until he was unable to extricate himself. And sometimes, he wondered why he even bothered. His friends all seemed to be loyal, but at the last possible minute, chickened out. He scoffed at their cowardice, at their lack of courage, but he knew deep inside, he was scoffing at his stupidity.

He tried to hold back what was coming, but it was inevitable. One drop, then another, and soon, a flood of tears came. Because of his stupidity, he had lost his true friends to a world of gangsterism... his loved ones had tried time and time again to dissuade him, to turn him back to the right path, but he had turned a deaf ear on them. Now, he knew he was wrong... and he could only wonder if it was too late.

Suddenly, a gentle voice came to him. He turned to look into a pair of deep, caring brown eyes. She had came... but he did not deserve her. She knelt down beside him, and he could not tear himself away from her eyes. Without saying a word, she wrapped her arms around him and placed his head onto her shoulder. An indescribable feeling engulfed him... he felt at home. It had been so long since he had last felt that way. The warm feeling seemed to wash away all the hurt and the pain he had acquired and he had been feeling.

"You're always welcome home, son." she murmured.

As the sun slowly began to rise, so did he put away his past and move on, a new beginning with the sunrise.

Heyz Mandy...

She said she only wants to be normal friends...I ought to be happy with it right? Wrong. I dunno...as in... I don't know if I will stop liking her or what, but it just feels... I don't know... really really weird.It's just a feeling... like...I never really did anything much... but somehow or rather... things just got really out of hand... a lot of people started knowing,and well... you can probably fill in the blanks. Saw her today... and we crossed eyes once... but that was it. I didn't say hi to her or whatever, just said what I had to Jo and left. I don't really know how to react around her anymore Mandy... I still like her... I really do... What am I to do, Mandy? I guess I can only clear up this big mess that has happened... and just revert back to just her friend... but I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything more than what a friend should...

She's really a sweet and nice girl...I should be happy that she even accepts me as her friend, to be honest... for someone as lousy and lowdown as me. I shall not be unhappy... but I couldn't sleep last night...I kept thinking about her and what she said...and only caught like 3 hours worth of shuteye... Wenting, Hwee, Pat and Jo know about this now... but no matter how I smile or how I try,I just don't feel the same. Sure,I laughed at Amir's jokes, but my smiles... my actions...they just don't mean anything at all... they're just smiling for the sake of smiling,laughing for the sake of laughing. And this morning.... it really hurt so darn much.... I just can't believe that all this happened, to be honest. So this is what they call denial.

I guess....in the end, as long as she's happy, in the end, I will too...

Heyz Mandy...

I'm in this really bad situation now... and I know that everyone would tell me not to feel this way, but I hate myself. I wish I didn't care for anyone, and I wish that I wouldn't be affected by everyone's words or actions... though no doubt there are people who have never made me feel this way before, but I don't know... I don't feel right at home, I don't feel right in school, I don't feel right anywhere... suddenly I feel like being all alone isn't such a bad idea after all... I know that I've always been dependent on really close friends, because I used to believe that as long as I have friends, the world is a brighter place... as long as there's love, my life is complete. I was wrong.

Even though you have friends, when people who are closer to you actually say things that hurt you straight to the heart, does having friends actually make the World a brighter place? When there's love, but there's insecurity and there's uneasiness whereever you go, is your life complete? I'm so muddled by all these truths, all these harsh facts of reality... I so want out Mandy... I really do... why is everything this way? Why is everything I believed in disintegrating into thin air? Everything is so ambiguous Mandy... I know so much yet so little... I feel so much yet so meagre... How am I supposed to react? Yeah, be less sensitive, be less emotional... somebody will tell me that. Maybe they're right... I should change myself... I should. But how? And why? Just because I'm no longer who I am? Or am I? I'm so confused...

My beliefs, once so strong... and now so weak... they seemed so true Mandy, so so true... but why are they not so now? Why does it seem as though these two years are going to be nothing but tiredness, constant relentless studying and a loss of personal identity to being one of which you are just nothing but a person born and bred for studying? In a society where studying is the only way of survival, is that the reason why? But... why? I don;'t want to lose who I am, but what i believed in are now all so untrue...everything has been a lie, has it not? Jessamyn just told me that she hates JC cause people are so fake... and there's this horrible suspicion that it is true where I am now too.... not everyone, no, definitely not... but some people... and it's not just one... it's so many... so so many....

Sometimes I find myself fighting so hard to cling on to things I believed in... it's so sapping, so draining... and even though there's always someone who has never made me feel bad before... somehow or rather.... I miss the cohesive balances I used to have... I love 20th, I luv 03S13, and I definitely love the friends I've come to know... but I just see a lot of things I've never wanted to see in my life... and how... how I can only slowly tire out... and just.. I dunno... see myself slowly fading away?

Thanks Jessamyn... I feel much better now... I ought to see pple as being evil huh? :)

Heyz Mandy...
Doing PW now but thought I'd just come over and blog for a while... for the past few days, my life has been anything but interesting, taken up mostly by PW and MT studying... but of course, there were some really really memorable moments with her, but oh well... i'll go into each part one by one k Mandy? :)

Firstly, A Level Chinese exam... after all that extra chinese lessons and all that studying for Chinese, I hope it paid off... the paper had a very interesting comprehension passage... it was talking about the movie "Fly me to Polaris" in which Richie Ren and Ceceilia Cheung acted in... it was such a sweet sweet story... haha... shall I tell you about the movie Mandy? I think I should... :) "Fly me to Polaris" starts in a hospital for the disabled. This guy is blind actually, so he can't see... but he's got certain characteristics, like always drinking lemon tea with a lot of salt. After that... oh well...there was this nurse who always takes care of him. He fell for her... yeahz, and he only wrote it in his diary. This nurse treated him very well, cutting his hair for him, cutting his nails for him and just chatting and joking with him. Then, one day, he got involved in a car accident and died. Miraculously, he got a chance to come back for 3 days, but the conditions were that the people would not recognise him anymore. When he went back, he found out that the nurse was actually in love with him too... she was so upset that she had lost her personal confidante and closest friend... but no matter how he tried, he could not let her know who he was, for he was restricted by some unseen force... but in the end, she found out... but on his last day on the Earth. They spent their last hour together, she lying in his arms and holding him tightly, and he wishing that he could have more time with her. But all too soon, his time came and he left her with a series of shooting stars. It's a really romantic story, and one that you'll like even more if you had watched it... I would love to tell you the small details, but if I do... I doubt one day is enough for me to complete the story... :)

Then, pw. I'm really tired out... been sleeping at midnight or later for the past 4 days, and I still have dance choreography to do, because we have to show Mr. Teo the dance by 14th Nov, that's in like, 4 days!? Goodness... and we're one quarter through the dance... stress... and then tmr is oral presentation already... I'm so tired Mandy... but I'll hold on... for her... :)

And her... I had lunch with her, and the whole incident was really sweet Mandy... I'm thinking of asking her out someday... but well, wait and see yeahz? Haha... Hui Yi says I'm sweet when I told her what I intend to do... oh well... first, must see if i can even get the correct conditions and reageants... and, all this could be one-sided only... just have to wait and see...

OKay, better get back to pw... take care Mandy. LUV YA!

Heyz Mandy...
I guess there's no denying that I've fallen for her too deep... but I don't dare to talk to her... She's really a wonderful girl Mandy... someone sweet and nice and caring, and everything good... haiz... but I dunno... she's a swan and I'm a duck... kinda incompatible rite? *sighzy*

This period of time has been anything but fun. A Lev mt and pw is taking it's toll on me, and I'm getting sick of pw totally... haiz... hang on in there... it'll only be 3 more days. :s

Heyz Mandy...

Okayz, I don't know what is wrong with me... but I somehow feel that maybe I better stop caring for people. I don't want to fall for anyone anymore... it hurts too much, too often, too drastic a result. And to be honest... I never expected that I'd feel this way. I don't know... I really don't...

I'm a deluded and disillusioned person, according to her... okayz, maybe... haiz... whatever... I suddenly like the ballads I'm listening to... of course, since they're korean and japanese, I don't think I can write what the words are... but anyway, let's just say they reflect me? Sad, lonely, lost, dejected, and well, more or less off about myself.

To my mei, Hui Yi... glad that you're over your PMS-ing period, really glad for you. And, well, I didn't really do much... you got over the period yourself, so be proud of urself, cause you're really strong. All the best with you and OPH.

I've seen too much, done too much. I need... as in I really really really need a break. I'm so tired, I can't concentrate on my chinese studying, and there's too much going on at one time... I really don't know what I should do... I can't miss lectures because of whatever happened during GM... And similarly, I get so tired after every day... and on Mon, we still have Orientation 1 ad-hoc meeting... and we still have to do Project Work, because we have PW Oral presentation coming up... I WANT TO CONCENTRATE ON MY CHINESE! WHY DOESN'T THE COLLEGE UNDERSTAND!? And I heard that it's the science teachers who refuse to let up on the lectures, cause of SARS break... how long is an epidemic that wasn't caused by us going to haunt us with the effects it brings? Sometimes, i really don't get it...

Okay... sometimes I really wonder if VJC is really the place for me... as in, I love 20th, I love 03S13, I love my friends in VJC... and the teachers are quite nice... (quite being the word here... I still have my grievances)... but... in a world whereby I've lost my confidence in myself, to the extent that I'm putting on a facade... losing focus, losing faith... feeling better alone... yeahz, that probably sums me up. I really don't know what's come over me, and now, I don't dare to talk to her, and well, I really seem to be different... to me that is, I've been pretending to be alright... the only people who have managed to see through my mask is Hui Yi and Joanna... but... I'm not telling them anything as well.... until I want to I guess...? Oh whatever... I'm a failure, and I'm a loser. Nothing to say, nothing to defend.

Heyz Mandy...

Okay, so yesterday was undoubtedly horrible... no questions asked. First time GM was that tense and well, it was a horrible experience, and more and more now, i'm beginning to feel like 20th isn't really as united as we thought it to be, and well, Deepak said something that got me thinking ta lot... should I be more accommodating and let him be? I don't know...

Suffering an identity crisis now... don't really feel right being around everyone... I feel like... haha... another of my favourite phrases... I feel like a pea rattling around in a pan of other peas... not sure of where I belong or how I fit in... sounds cliche huh? Well, unfortunately, that's the way I'm feeling now... and it isn't a good feeling, to be honest. Haiz.. hope I get out of it soon... :s

She's great... she really is... I think that she's fantastic... haha... and well... ok, I havent' really been talking to her lately... Ok, I'm nuts.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm feeling awfully tired. I really am... I just feel like throwing everything to one side and not bother anymore. I think this is what Anhua meant by "burnt out"... you just dun wanna do anything, and I somehow get the feeling that you end up being depressed and easily irritated. Meet me. bleahz... was so irritated with what happened today, and poured out everything to Bryan. I need a break... I can do with a one week break... but hey! I dun think I'll get it... life in JC.... *makes face* not what i expected.

Okayz, me wanna thank my best fwend in VJC... Chen AnHua... thank you... You've been consoling me and being there for me during this period of time... I really am glad to have u around... and hope I can be there for u when u need me too.

Heyz Mandy...
Did terribly badly for promos... I can't believe it... 3 Os... 39 and 39 for phys and chem respectively... like there's any difference... and 44.2% for Bio... gee... now how good is that... Everyone's being terribly nice to me... and I can only let them down with such lousy grades that I'm ashamed to call mine. G.P. is 45%... what has happened to me...? I put in effort... I know I did... but the results just seem to turn out the other way... I feel horrible, and I've completely lost all my confidence in myself... whatever happened to the performance that I've had in VS? It's like... in VJ... I'm not even half as good as I was in VS...

I dunno... a lot of people say that it's because that I've been spending too much time in Council that I end up not concentrating on my exams and don't have a strong foundation... maybe they're right... I have been spending an awfully lot of time in Council... I guess I can only rely on the re-examinations to pull myself back up, but the question is, can I even get promoted? I've gotten back 4 papers, and I haven't even seen any fifties and above... it's all forties and below... Mrs. Choo recommends that I drop a subject, but I really don't want to. I really need to spend my time lifting my results back up... I just have to try. This whole year... Council has taken up so much of my time... it's so unfair!

It's so unfair... I can't say that it's anybody's fault.. I can only say that I brought it upon myself... Why, why, why did I spend so much time in Council and neglected my studies? I love 20th... I really do... but recently, it seems like putting so much time and effort into it isn't any good at all... I just end up losing a friend, getting scolded for no reasons, getting more depressed than happy... Okay, wrong time to be lamenting... I should be scolding myself for not prioritizing well enough.

My class has been great... they offered to help me ask the teachers for an extra mark for biology so that I can ensure my promotion... and Anhua has been so nice to me... and of course, there is 19th... Wendy, Jeng Ying, Han Joo and Lauretta... I'm glad to have such good friends to stand by me... but I'm really upset that I had to let them down this way... I'm sorry people.

Wanting to cry... but I won't cry... at least not in front of anyone...

Heyz Mandy...

Dead tired... i dunno why either... lately I've been so weary and I can hardly keep myself focused... it's like as though I've completely lost my ability to be as hyper and enthusiastic as I used to be? I know that this is the wrong time to suffer from depression... but how can I help myself? I so want to just bury my head in the ground and never come back up... yeahz. Been having some thoughts about everything that has happened so far, and I'm afraid that well.... maybe it'd be better for 20th to be without me sometimes. *shrug* just a thought that has been going arnd in my mind for sometime.

Looking back to the times in VS, when VSPB was part of me... those were the days... Bryan, Joel Liu, Law, Joel Lee, Daryl, Pramod, Prakash, Fu Yee, Dinesh, Shazrin, Zulhairi... everyone was so cohesive and united... everybody was closely knitted and well... no matter what, everyone was there for each other, everyone worked for a common goal. There was real, true, raw spirit amongst us... and I guess I could say that majority of us worked not for ourselves, but for the good of the board, and for the pride of Victoria... I dunno... perhaps I'm being too demanding? But I don't feel the same spirit in VJC... I don't deny that I am happy with a lot of the friendships that I have made in VJC, and well, yeah, so far. But... I just want to feel the same spirit again... I want to so much... My heart yearns for the flame that can only burn even brighter when the people that are the heart of the school have the same aim... to work for Victoria. But, well... I guess it's hard to see the peak of the flame anymore... I love 20th, and I think they are a very worthy and deserving group of leaders and people... but... I know that it's demanding of me... I wish that the whole council would work for Victoria, and not for other reasons... I guess by now you will have guessed that one of the main reasons that I'm working so hard is for Victoria...

I don't dare to call her. Dun ask me why, but ever since some people have told me some stuff, i have not dared even to say hi to her. What can I say? I'm just not good enough for anybody. Isn't that a proven fact?

Thanks Vee... i really am glad that at this time of depression, I have someone like you to be around. Thank you so much.

Heyz Mandy...

I've been told that I ought to try not liking someone. Gee... why not. Goodbye everyone. I guess... it's more or less time to revert to Sec 1... the me in Sec 1. I don't know if I can bring myself to be the same insensitive, uncaring person I was in Sec 1 anymore, but I'll try.

I miss VS so much. I want to go back there. I really really do. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much for everything and everyone. Why should I make things so difficult for myself right? I should just mind my own business and heck everyone and everything unrelated to me.

But I dunno. I guess I can't bring myself to do that anymore.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm tired. I really am. Of life, of everything. Maybe I ought to spend time alone. Maybe I ought to try shirking my responsibilities for once.

"I wish i could be like a bird
To fly away and not be heard
Escape the troubles of the world
To fly around and be healed
From the hurt and the pain
That have grown and my life taint
When stress accumulates
And the road a long take
U just want someone to
Hold you and talk to
Just like the olden times
When the bell would just chime
Where are those now done?
All but gone?
I wish I knew for sure
Then maybe I'd be more pure."

Let's see if anyone can see the hidden meaning behind this poem.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm here after a long time... Promotional examinations was anything but good. It's been a rocky uphill journey that I've found to be reallie crazed. Oh well... I was really upset after the maths paper today... it was like, I knew I could do it, but my mind wasn't responding. It's so unfair. I had to fall sick and get sis's flu bug the night before math exam!? Then whatever I had learnt all dissipated into thin air... haiz... oh well... I shan't think about it.

Thank you to Peishan, Hui Zhi, Sara, Siva, Edrei, Sanjiv, Sanjay, Kaval, Kristy P, Sanjee, Melissa and Joanna... thanks for the concern that u all have showed me. I hope I don't let u all down...

Okayz, I am over her le. As in the her I've been talking abt for the whole time and never revealing her name. She's my mei, that's all I'm saying. Me now liking someone else... so now it's her turn to not have her name revealed. OK, i know that I seem to change who i like very fast... but I'm sincere in the people i like. I promise.

Okayz, think that's all for now... will update more next time Mandy! See ya!

Heyz Mandy...

Logging in for a while... before I log off and go study... I desperately need to finish meiosis and finish the notes for "Transport in Mammals" at least... haiz... what a life... but surprisingly, I enjoy this time cause there's a group of 20th pple studying together, and we have our fun in the midst of all these mind-boggling exam preparation and stress. Sanjay, Priya, Joanna, Sharon, Zhe Bin, Samuel, Li Juan, Siva, Sweetie darling... yupyup... it's a good mixture of buddy 20th fun and the cramming for the up and coming exams.

However, I keep thinking of her... and those Energy romantic stories about their previous loves... haiz... so touching la! Haiz... then I'm thinking about my present love... haha... ok, I shall not think that way... she's lovely the way she is... and I'm happy being friends... but well, if only we were talking as much as we used to? I don't know... I wrote her a letter le... to say that all I really wanted was to be her friend, and nothing else... but... but.. I get the feeling she never read it, and she probably threw it away? I don't know what to say or what to do le la... haiz... I miss her.

Welcome to my mei mei, Amie! :)

OKayz, me better go off to study biology. Take care Mandy!

Heyz Mandy...
I'm at home now... no, I didn't pon school k... I went to see a doctor yesterday... and she gave me a 2 day mc... she prescribed me as overexhaustion and too stressed, and gave me paracetamol (it's a reknowned medicine) and some minor stress-relief pills. I never for once expected myself to get overexhausted or overly stressed... I never felt those coming... unless I don't know my body well, or else... *sighz* I'm not even bothering to find out if I am.

I wonder if she's thinking of me? I didn't want the Council to discover my absence from school actually, but in the morning, Siva said they had already noticed it... oh well, thanks people. But well, I keep getting this sort of funny feeling that I'm not really blending in with the Council... As in, I don't belong? It sounds really funny, but I feel like nobody in the Council likes me. It's like, they're just acquaintances that sort of thing? I don't really know how to explain it, but these two days are sort of like a breather from school... letting me go through all my thoughts, and hopefull letting me understand better what's going on... I love the Councillors... but if they really don't like me around, then I'll go somewhere else... if it really does come to that stage... I'll tender.

On Monday, we had Council vs ODAC soccer match, and we got thrashed really badly... 7-3. But ODAC, due to a lack in number of people, recruited Mr. Tan Yew Hwee, Mr. Seet Kok Wah and Mr. Peter Wee... they scored 6 out of 7 goals for ODAC. It's not a good reason to say that because they were teachers that's why we lost... If I was more able as a keeper... maybe we wouldn't have lost at all... I'm still feeling remorseful, coz if I had managed to stop the 1st and 3rd goal from happening... then maybe we'd have a morale boost and we'd be able to win... haiz... I'm just basically horrible.

And about her... I really wish I knew what to do... I saw her staring at me... but I know for once... things aren't like what they used to be...

Chi Ching mommy is the best! Yes Mommy, I will work hard... I don't want to let you down, I want to make you proud of me... Yes, I'll dance friendship dance with you during Openhouse... mommy rocks. :)

Okayz, me going off now... had enough lamenting online... take care Mandy... :)

Heyz Mandy... now sitting in Physics lesson, in a computer lab, and I just felt I need to talk to you... feeling really depressed, but not showing that I am... In fact, everyone thinks I'm hyper... Just the way I like it... nobody thinks there's anything wrong with me, but I know that there is...

I was walking to the concourse just now... And then she walked towards me... and then I looked down at my file, just the check that the papers were still there, and wanted to say hi, but when i looked up, she suddenly opened her physics tys and started leafing through it. Then we just brushed past each other as though we didn't even know each other. I'm really really confused. Are we or are we not friends?? She's like a totally distant person now... is it because she still feels uncomfortable around me? Or what? I'm so totally confused and hurt? I really wish I knew...

There's a match against ODAC later... finally, after dunno how long, we can play them... just wann get it over and done with... don't want to prolong it any further... I'm still the default keeper, and well, I dunno... I just wish that she would just say something to encourage me? Haiz... i wanna play basketball... I wanna let out all that darn hurt. Argh!

What do I have to do? Every morning when I wake up, I think of her... and then when I see someone who has the same hairstyle, or even a small resemblance to her, I want to talk to that person... How can i tell her that I don't like what is going on between us now? Please... tell me.... please...

Heyz Mandy...
Been sometime since I last wrote into you... how are you? Me? I'm down in the dumps and somehow or rather, I can't seem to find anyway to extricate myself from it.

She's driving me nuts. Supposed to go to Orchard then, my friend said that if i go along, she'd feel awkward and uncomfortable. So I said that if she does end up going, I won't go. In the end, she didn't go, sO i Went down instead. But well, the main point is... like... she said she wants us to be friends... she doesn't even say hi or bye to me. It's like, I'm non existent? And today, sitting and watching her with her class... I realise that I can't even make her laugh like her friends do...? I really am in a dilemma of what to do! I know that I do like her... but I just... I just... want to stop feeling like crying everytime I get hurt by her or things/words regarding her? Haiz... and things btwn us seem normal, as in, i talk to her more now, and sometimes even walk her to class, but i hear different things from different people? So exactly are we ok or not?

And then, there's so many ohter things. Promos for example. I want to mug, but my body isn't listening, and I can't get myself to. Argh. And I can't blame anyone else but me. So I have to get down to serious work. I've already committed errors for all three practicals, and wel, I can't not wokr hard now.

And well, I'm afraid that I've lost Abby as my best friend. We're drifted really far, and she said that "we're so near yet so far. We can;'t even find time to meet or anything." I guess maybe it's my fault for that happening. Not being able to find time for her... i don't know if things between us will ever go back to the way it was... but i hope that someday, it will.

Council. I'm insecure. I don't feel like i belong in there. I've been isolating myself from the council in the morning... not very good rite? studying at the grandstand... interesting place to be in the morning. U end up clearing ur thoughts sometimes...

But in the midst of all this hectic ruckus and all, I'm really glad that somehow or rather, I have good friends who care for me. Rachel and Anhua... they are so sweet and nice to me... Rachel even typed me a prayer! Let me include it yeahz?

"Father i juz pray for daniel rite now...
i noe tt he's facing lotsa problems in his life now
and tt he feels very frustrated and unhappy
God i juz pray tt you'll help him and see him through this difficult point
i pray that you'll give him concentration when he studies..
and that any fear or insecurities he has durin council times...
i juz pray tt u break it down...tt he'll enjoy himself durin council activities...
i pray tt u look after him and his family..
and that u help him work out how he feels towards her
Thank you God i pray that you bless Daniel and give him strength to last through these trying times
in jesus name i pray amen!!"

Nice rite? Rachel is fantastic. And Anhua is so nice... she is such a good confidante... oh well... I guess that everything will iron out in the end... but for now, I am going to revel in the fact that I have 2 wonderful friends. Friends who can sense I'm not feeling right thru simple sms and online conversations. Thank you both. So much.

Heyz Mandy...

Would like to tell a special someone... Jacqueline Tang... that I miss you, and I hope we're still friends. I don't know what has happened between us, but I just hope nothing's wrong... yeah. So, please tell me if u come by my blog k?

Okayz, the holidays have come to an end, but I wish that it didn't... I want so much to be studying the whole day with the councillors and Bryan... the lunches we had, the jokes we shared... Hui Yi's voice, Joanna's laughter, Grace's hugs, Bryan's music, Edrei's glasses, Law's wasabi peas, Siva's constant disappearances, Zahida's constant appearances... and so much more... it's kinda amazing what memories you can get studying with the Council and close friends... when sch reopens... I hope we can still study together and have lunch... k? :)

Banner painting is another memory... haha... how time flies. I only have 7 mths left of being a Councillor, and I don't know my good friends in Council well! I really want to... know Rachel, Joanna, Stephanie, Samantha, Hui Zhi, Sara, Kristy Koh, Siva, Kaval, Dominique, Hui Yi, Grace, Deepak, Edrei, Zahida, Joel Lee, Sanjay, Samuel, Lynette... so many people... 7 months... haiz time flies... I also want to spend more time with Anhua, my class... argh. 2 Years in JC isn't enough!! I miss everyone so much!

I think Energy's first album rocks! Haha...

Heyz Mandy...

Things between us are back to it's normal routine of not talking to each other. She didn't come for banner painting, neither did she come for general meeting, neither did we talk to each other on Friday, neither does she reply my sms, neither do I dare to call her, and she only replied yesterday when I smsed her that I wasn't feeling well.... and that was only one sms... I really don't know how to feel or how to act around her anymore... Everyone also thinks I should give up... but the truth is, I don't know if I want to or I don't want to... I'm torn into half! Haiz...I'll give myself more time first... no point rushing everything... just take my time, concentrate on promos first and then we'll see how everything goes along.

Promos... preparation isn't even really going at the pace I want it to go... Yesterday nothing went into my brain, and I ended up sleeping at... um... 10.30 or 11pm... very early. Haiz... and today got pw at 3pm at the freaking airport. I really am irritated at my pw group lorz... why can't we just get the whole thing over and done with at an easy and accessible place? Haiz, whatever la... just go there and get it done with. And then there's the promo bio prac this sat, meaning that that's one less day to study, coz I have to study for bio prac instead. What the hell... couldn't they have like put the prac during a school day instead? I would very much like to value whatever time I have and study the other pressing subjects. At the moment, I've only covered 3 maths tutorials, 1 bio tutorial, kinematics and oscillations for physics, and DNA for Biology. I have hardly touched maths or chemistry, and they have to do pw at 3pm. I'm really sick and tired of the whole pw thing. Just want to hurry up and get it over and done with. But after this 2nd draft of pw, there's still the presentation. Argh. I hate it la.

Sorry for having to vent my frustrations on you dear... but, whenever I'm sad, I know I can always turn to Anhua... she's my bestest fwend outside of council in VJC, and well... i think we've had 5 conversations that last for more than an hour and 30 mins le... and the funny thing is, we don't stop talking at all... just keep chatting and chatting, and then we dun feel like hanging up the phone, coz the conversation went on so fine... haha... Anhua, thank you... u r the best!

Heyz Mandy...

Well, haven't been her for quite some time... but well, I've just been to my jie, Michelle's blog, and well, it's kinda shocking how hurt and desolate she has been, to the extent of wanting to take her own life... jie... you have to be strong... no matter what, you have to be... it was you who helped me up and guided me along in P6, it was you who made me see the lovely nature of having a good friend... it was you who made me understand that being nice is something that I can do, not something that has to be inborn in me... there's so many things that I am indebted to you... don't just leave me now and not give me a chance to return all those favours... k?

As for myself... I was smsing Rachel the other day, and Rachel told me when she was chatting with her, she told her that she had made everything clear in the letter she gave me. She actually talks about me? That's something new... I thought I wasn't even worth being mentioned in her conversations... haiz... and she's not replying my smses at all... but she smses Deepak and other people... what am I to her? One can only wonder. But Hui Zhi and Sara told me to be patient... there shld be a chance... and I guess I will hold on.. coz I guess that I am in quite deep into the hole that I've dug.

We managed to raise #1000 for busking! WHOA... dat's really a lot... however, don't look at me to do it twice... It's really hard to dance for 6 straight hours... tiring, and well, as long as Mrs. Ting doesn't go, then I'll consider it... high chance if Mrs. Ting dun show up, I will do it. ;)

And Promos are edging nearer day by day. I have less than a month to revise my work... congrats Daniel... time to really work hard... you 3 completed tutorials are just a start, and ur 1.5 chapters of Phys needs more work. By the end of the hols, u have to complete at least a third of each subject. Deal? Deal.

Missing her lots.

Heyz Mandy...

Shall update u on what has happened for the past few days. On Saturday, I went basking... or busking, wadever the spelling is. :P Anywayz, it started out to be quite bad... nobody paid any attention to us when we were outside Wisma, and well, it started raining... and then people started getting really agitated and emotional... yeah, and after a moment's hesitation, we shifted over to the underpass at Lido. Surprisingly, the response we received over there was tremendous! People were actually interested in our performances, to the extent that someone even gave the harmonica band his name card, asking them to perform for him, and we received compliments that we danced very well. Oh yay! I just hope we make a considerable sum of money... *crosses fingers*

Sis, Abby, Shi Qi, Michelle jie and Gayne were all there... and we saw Jacqueline Seng and Jacqueline Tang. I miss Jac Tang... but well, there's so big a rift between us now, that somehow or rather, it's like... we're only hi-bye friends. It's really upsetting, and I think she hates me or something. She never returns my smses anymore, and well... that connection we used to have... I wish it was still there. *Sighzy* some things are out of my hands sometimes. But I guess it's also partly my fault... I shouldn't have lost contact with Jac. :(

A big thank you to the people who came down... esp Sis, Shi Qi and Michelle jie... thank you for the encouragement you gave me. Also, to Steffie, Amy jie, Jacob and to all the Councillors who came down... thank you too... for your time taken off to come down, for the smiles and support u gave us through ur presence, to the Openhouse ad-hoc for the organisation.. despite the last minute preparations, you people did a swell job. I'm proud of the way things turned out... and Steffie... I think you rock... :) You were not demoralised, and though u were stressed, u still tried to overcome it... you're a great friend and a great gal... :)

Went for tuition on Sunday, and was so surprised to see Jolene, Hui Ting, Amalina and Tiffany there... it was a good session nonetheless. I managed to understand Oscillations, and I got to know Hui TIng a little better... haha... it's really interesting... maybe I ought to stop doing Physics tutorials... kidding! Kidding... I'll still do them. :p

Then, was really touched on Sunday as well... thanks to Anhua and Hui Yi... Anhua is the best! Seriously... she's such a good friend... she smsed me to ask me if I was ok, after she saw how dejected I was on Thursday... and she could understand the predicaments I had gone through, and when I told her she was the first person I'd turn to outside of Council, she smsed me back saying that she'd try to meet up to my expectations and give me sound advice. She's really sweet. Thank you Anhua... for being you and never giving up on me. And Hui Yi... was so concerned, asking me about whether my headache was gone. I have good friends.

Today was also the cleanup of the ECO Corner in the Welfare room. Twinnie, Nette, Sharone, David, Samuel, Benny and Sanj came down and we rearranged our stuff, and we also opened up all the match support banners and took pictures of them... there goes my chance to take a photo with her. I miss her... I don't know how things are going to be tomorrow... will she avoid me again? I really wish I knew? I hope things go right... I hope... I just hope that we will be like how we were on Friday... just chatting like nothing would go wrong... chatting as though nothing happened.

To be honest, she's the one who gives me the strength and the courage to do what I am doing now... my mood revolves around her... it's not very good, and I know that I have tot ry and extricate myself from it, but... but... I just can't make myself do it. I don't even know her well enough... haiz... some kor I turned out to be...

Heyz Mandy...

Guess what? It's been resolved. She and I are at where I hoped we'd be. We're good friends... and things keep getting better. Today was the first time in a long time that we talked like as though nothing had happened in our lives... and it honestly felt really good. I'm not depressed anymore... I have her back... my mei and my good friend. She's my study partner... :) Me on cloud nine.

Today's teachers' day dance was a success... the crowd was sooo whoa... took me by surprise la... haha... and the dance was fantastic, to say the least. Before the performance, I was hyper tensed... eventually losing my tact at the Council... haiz... need to keep my temper in check again... so sorry Council... I love you guys...

tHEN, went back to VS. I SAW MISS KONG!! Haha... and my cat is still on her table... so cute. Hehehe... miss VS so so so much... and today played basketball, made four three pointers... and it was three consecutive three pointers... so happy. I haven't lost my touch.

Next thursday is the 20th Council versus the J1 ODAC match... I'm the keeper. Die-ded... haha... I hope I do well... I need to get my own set of keeper gloves le... being the default keeper. Haha... hope I dun mess up.

Tomorrow is busking... I'm going to be dancing... in front of so many people... at ORCHARD ROAD... *Faint*... someone please give me a hand yeahz? Hope that everyone I SMSed will be there...

Hopefully she'll be there. :)

Heyz Mandy...
I miss her... a lot... haiz.

Heyz Mandy...
Sitting in Physics prac lesson now, but as the labs are closed, I'm seated in a computer lab. Really depressed... I didn't say hi to her today, even though I saw her walking up the stairs. Then, I slipped into a zombified person... ok, I'm still zombified. Not talking until necessary, that sort of thing. I'm totally devoid of feeling, totally ostracised from the world, and everyone around me. People keep asking me what's wrong, I just keep shaking my head, waving a simple hi, or simply saying "Nothing, I'm fine." Keeping things simple, short and sweet. Not really in the mood to bother about anyone else. Can't even feel what my heart is feeling. It's a first that I've ever felt this way... and it's because of her... I've never felt so depressed, so dejected, and so lost and devastated about someone... I dunno anymore... I think I shouldn't even have her partner me for the dance. I'm going to swap places with Siva... yeah. I think that will be the best.

It just started raining. I feel like walking in the rain... Just let the raindrops wash away all the pain, the fear, the hurt... the weather so clearly matches my mood... I'm not exactly in the mood to do anything... Trying very hard not to cry in school... almost lost control of myself just now... almost cried...

Shih, I'm so sorry... I don't have the guts to talk to her... I don't want to make things any worse than it is now... I wish I was stronger, and I wish I didn't have to bother so much about how people feel... but... ultimately, I have a heart.... I hate myself... I really do... I feel so inferior compared to her... she's so talented, so lovely, she's everything that I could ever ask for in a friend, a mei, a stead... how can I compare with her? Compared to her, I'm like... nothing... I'm insignificant... I'm worthless...

I'm nobody.

Heyz Mandy...
Three words la... very very down. So many things happened today... and in the past few days as well... but to be it in overall terminology, I'm depressed, sad, hurt and wishing I don't have a heart. If I didn't have a heart, I wouldn't need to love someone, wouldn't need to care, wouldn't be hurt, wouldn't have to mend a broken heart... yeahz. Maybe living without a heart would be ideal... then we would only need to bother about ourselves.

I really like her... there. I've said it. Every little action of hers is noted by me. And how she can joke and laugh about with other people, but around me, she's so wary and distant. I finally know why. She dun want me to get close to her, dun wan me to be too affectionate, coz it makes her uncomfortable. I wish I could tell her how much it's hurting me, but I know I can't, because I brought all these upon myself. Why... why did things have to turn out this way? Why must I shed tears for this sort of thing. Why am I me? Mandy, tell me please? I hate myself more and more nowadays...

Then, the dance for teacher's day. I'm so scared and so stressed up about it. What if I can't do well, what if the choreography of the dance is a flop? What if it's hated by the crowd? What if the whole world hates it? What if the Council actually dislikes it? What if... so many what ifs! I'm so stressed out! Argh... maybe I shouldn't dance after all. It'd be the best option.

Chem practical today was a bit of a disaster... haiz... messed it up so so much... I'm such a failure.

Somebody just shoot me.

Heyz Mandy...

Now at home, close to the next day, and I just finished highlighting the important points of my internet source of the rise of McDonald's for PW... so decided to come and talk to you for a while.

Today is her birthday. It's also the first time I've ever spent $70 on a person, for that matter... and it's really kinda creepy, cause I've never been like this b4, being rebellious. Mom doesn't even know I took out $60 from my money box... if she did, then my head would be next on the chopping board. Haiz... well, anyway, gave her her present after morning meeting, which i was not at. I was the last Councillor to give her her present, and well... she hugged me. Ok, I hugged her too. Nvm, who hugged who isn't the matter... what's important is that she likes the presents, and she appreciates it. Now, I just hope that whatever I have written in the poem, or anything for that matter will result in anything. I hope she won't avoid me... I don't think I can take it if she avoids me. I'll positively collapse.

Finally finished choreographing the dance for Teacher's Day. I'm kinda proud of myself and Deepak for we choreographed from... um... 5.00pm all the way to 8.30p.m... so, yeah... I hope that all goes well... I don't wish for anything to happen. I'm like so scared that I'll goof up... I hate myself when I start thinking too much... But then again, I was never good at anything right? Haha... Anhua wld say "Stop thinking too much!" Good 'ol Anhua... :)

Would like to say that Rachel, dear fwend... you are the best. Thanks for everything so far. Hope that you life is more or less evened out now, and not as buys as it was previously. Though we dun have so much time to talk nowadays, would want you to know that you're always in my heart somewhere. I'll never stop caring for you de... so, must take care of urself. I miss the long chats we used to have, but I understand you have to handle your life first. :)

I miss her terribly... can't someone please help me from all these? Haiz...

Dear Mandy...

Hi again... I'm sitting in a computer classroom for GP lesson, waiting for the intended presentations to make their appearance on the screen. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, since I've already presented to the class, and a cute presentation at that, I'm guessing that this time, it's my turn to slack. :)

Got quite a few problems on my mind at the moment... the most pressing one is what to get her for her birthday... it's like... tomorrow? Argh... today need to0 go shopping le... have to find a teddy bear (but Deepak already got her one!), a matching bracelet (hopefully I can find one that complements a four leaved clover...), and well... a lot more stuff to get...
Ok, gotta listen to presentation. Get back to you later k Mandy? Cheerios!

oK... I hope this works... the tagboard is up... hope it works.

Heyz Mandy...

In a hyper, really, extremely depressed mood now... and I really don't know why. I can't get myself into a study mood, and promos is coming, edging nearer day after day. And then, there's Council... and her... I'll try my best to tell what I'm depressed about for each of the three categories k... there're still other minor details that are making me depressed, but well, I'll add on as we go along.

My academic standard in VJC isn't good... in fact, it can be closely related to unstable. I know that I've said I want to start studying, but to be honest... I haven't done anything at all. I can't even get myself into the mood to study for my upcoming Mother tongue exams, let alone do my tutorials. I can't keep up this way, but I can't help it. It's as though my body knows that it needs a break, and no matter how my head may be saying there isn't enuff time, my body refuses to listen. Nothing goes in as well... it feels so horrible! I just wish that for once, I could be able to be like in Sec 4, when I was studying for Prelims, but somehow or rather, the situation now and then is different. I know that it's not a good reason, using that as an excuse... I should just work harder.

Council... I suck. I'm not a good Councillor... I'm so demoralised in Council...? I just feel so mad at myself... I can't do the fixtures for carromfest properly, can't handle my emotions, can't keep myself in check, can't be a good role model, can't even remember to bring back the carromfest results, so now I can't type it out, can't have the initiative to check out carromfest things, can't see things through, can't be rationale, can't see the big picture, can't be level headed, can't be not baised, can't be there for people... what kind of a Councillor am I? I'm just someone who shouldn't have beem in Council from day 1... I should have been taken out of Council, should have just resigned. Life takes such a different toll her in VJC... Max was right... it's nothing like in VS. But... I've never doubted myself so much before! This really sucks.

Talking to Steph abt her now. And I dunno. Feeling even worse after hearing what Steph has said. But I guess I'm going to just wait and see how things go first. After the whole incident has blown over... maybe I'll be able to decide. Though I can roughly see how it's going to go, but... well... there may be a glimmer of a chance. I'll see how it goes.

Thanks to Anhua for being there for me... I really am glad to have found such a friend in her... she's easily one of my best friends in VJC... outside of Council, she's my number 1 friend. And if you want to talk about overall, she surpasses majority of the Councillors to me... she's never judged me for what i am... and she's always there for me... She's really a great friend.

Thanks also goes to Hui Yi, Steph, Rachel and Joanna. Thanks for your advice, thanks for your support. But don't place too much hope on me anymore. I'm not capable of living up to what you people believe in me. I'm very sorry. I'm not as strong as you people believe me to be, and I'm not everything that I wish I can be for you people. Forgive me for doing what I have to do... maybe distance is the best option for now. Yeah... so please don't blame yourself or anybody for it k... I'm just really tired and upset... blame it on me.

Heyz Mandy...

Feeling kinda down about the whole day today... haiz... let me fill you in k?

The day started off pretty fine... reached school at 7.40am, then went to VS with Meng Siong for a while. We both got a shock when we realised that there was no supporting contingent for the National Day Parade. Follow that, when we went to the Air Room, the Sec 3s resulted to turning to the teachers just because people in their batch of Sec 3s don't pay up Air Fund. NCC Air has started to rely on the teachers... that was never in our traditions. VS NCC Air has always been the unit that can survive even without having a teacher around... this batch cannot be an exception... they have to stand on their own, and they have to carve out their own niche for themselves on their own. It is seriously upsetting to see them treating the Air Room as their own hideout... playing cards in there. Goodness... and they don't have any more Air Tables! I was quite disappointed... told Farand to tell his Sec 3s to wake up. Seriously don't know what is happening to VS... I guess I have to make more time to go back more often. Haiz...

Then rushed back to school for the National Day parade. There was a mayhem in the Council room, with countless people changing into ethnic costumes, that I was running about from Welfare to Council room for a place to change. Finally managed to get the changing room, so me ran in and quickly did something I have not done for the past 7 months: speed changing. Haha... actually had the feeling like I was back in VS NCC Air camp again... brings back so many memories.

Then, rushed for the parade and coz I sprinted for the bus back to VJC from VS, aggravated that stupid muscle pull of mine at my thigh. So, in the midst, i sort of made it worse... but no time to stretch and ease the pain, so yup, went straight into marching. Then, entered this really concentrated phase. Focused on the flag post, command was given, and the contingent started marching in. Heard people saying "so sad!" and "very nice leh!" as we were marching in... but all in all, I just felt the pride and the honour I felt whenever I marched as a cadet in VS NCC Air... Haha... all in all, it was a good parade... our bangs were surprisingly coordinated, and everything was quite synchronised... think this was the best result we have ever produced amongst all the rehearsals. Made me feel kinda happy when the parade was over... coz it turned out to be quite a good parade...

Then, went to change. Got suaned by Mr. Tan, asking why I got so many badges on my uniform... I didn't know what to say. I just had to smile and shrug sheepishly... it was 4 years of hard work...all those badges... *sighs*... the concert segment was pretty cool. Especially the dikir barat by the MCS, the Indian dance by ICS, and Kylash's guitar performance was really cool. I've never seen anybody wield the guitar that professionally before! The community singing part exuded a strong sense of unity from the college, and then the mass dance was the best... enjoyed myself throughly.

Then was carromfest. There were so many commotions thanks to phototaking... so irritating... first Ms. Wee came to us and said the photoshoot was pushed forward to 10.30 bcause the concert ended early. So there was mayhem... Councillors started rushing to go change, and in the end, Siva said that the new confirmation was that there was no change in the time. So we resumed the activities. THen, Mrs. TIng and Miss. Tan and Mr. Teo came, and they told me to get the Councillors ready so that when we call them, they are ready to take the photo. Ok, so the message was passed down. And I started calling her... I didn't want a phot without her in it, and I also didn't want a phot without my Teddy in it, and I didn't want a photo without Xiao Yi in it, didn't want a photo without Steffie in it... to sum it up, I don't want a photo that has so many of my closest friends in Council not there! It's so unfair... the original photoshoot was supposed to be on tuesday, but we pushed it back simply because the Council teachers couldn't make it. But when 5 OF US can't make it, they can't even push it back... instead they scolded Siva for bringing it up, and made us stage a show so fake just so we can impress Mrs. Chan... I dunno... it seems like we're putting on a show just so the teachers can look good...? It all seems so fake and unreal... is this what being in Council is ultimately about? I was so pissed that I used all my force and punched the wooden scaffolding of the chin-up bars. It was the first time the Council ever saw me so pissed off I guess... cause after that, nobody dared to talk to me except Siva, Edrei and Sanjay... I just got so mad! I didn't smile at all during the photoshoot, and I gave curt and short answers to the teachers. Oh, and we have a new Council teacher that NONE OF US know about. Interesting how our teachers handle their own things huh? I just felt like walking off and not take the photo at all.

After that, carromfest resumed... so it gave me time to calm down and recollect my thoughts. I was considerably calmed down... then Meng came to tell me that the Council wasn't supportive of the OVA YC... it just felt so... I dunno... painful. I lost my cool again. Guess it was a mix of tiredness and anger... i flung everything away and just stood outside the Council room for ten minutes, calming myself down... Dom, Jo and Liss were there for me... thank you. I cldn't help but explain to Dom about everything... she made some good points too, but well... I guess Meng has his own valid points.

Dom, Jo and I went for lunch after that, and Zhe Bin joined us. We were quite against it actually, and tried to evade him, but to no avail... oh well... things don't always go out way anyway rite? Then me went home... din buy anything in the end.

Then came online. Chatted to her, but in the end, she ignored me completely... don't know what is going on anymore... I'm really tired too... was sleeping on the bus just now, and dreamt of her? That's really nuts! I'm really sinking in too deep. Haiz...

Then, thanks Rachel... for chatting to me despite you being busy. I really appreciate you being there for me all the time... I hope I can be there for you too... :)

Heyz Mandy...

Tomorrow is National day... but she won;t be there to see me march, coz she has speech day. Suddenly feel that I have really sunken in too too deep... I know that I ought to try to pull myself out of it, but part of me really doesn't want to. It's like... oh I don't know. I should just let life be the way it is, not telling her I like her... I guess I don't want to end up having to lose the friendship as well.

But... maybe someday I guess? Someday it will come true... that I wil be able to live a life alone.

Thanks Rachel. You couldn't have made today a better way to end it. Thanks for the conversation we had... u rest well and take care k? Get well soon dear... I'll be here for you.

Heyz Mandy...
Ok, I hereby vow never to cry in front of pple, and I was trying my utmost best to hold back tears in the Council room today... luckily no one took notice... trying very hard not to let reality take control of me... but somehow or rather, it always does. I want to be really happy... I want to make her happy... but I somehow don't seem to be the person who is able to do that. Not anymore... I'm like somebody that she has to take notice of... coz of my over-concerned personality... How do I let her know I like her?

No wait... not supposed to let her know I like her rite? It'll end up being too selfish on my part. Argh... can't stand it. This whole thing sucks... I just wish I could tell her, but I know I can't... I can only be there for her... and nothing else. Oh, and I should stop caring for her, cause she's more or less ok, having regained faith in her ex... there didn't seem to be any place for me to fit in in the first place... oh darn... I don't know why I fell for her in the first place even! Haiz... love... it's so confusing.

Heyz Mandy, back again...
Days nowadays are nothing but stress... just clinging on by a mere thread to some stuff at times, doesn't seem good. Plus, nowadays, I sleep soo early, and yet, I'm still weary and tired at school. I don't get the logic, and I still am trying to find an answer... guess I'm just too weary.

Feeling like everything nowadays is very confusing. All of a sudden, my life revolves around a certain someone... and it's really confusing and weird, cause I'm hyper sensitive to anything she does, and the whole thing just seems to be really... oh I don't know... it's just... oh, I give up... it's very weird! That seems to be the best word I can use to describe the way I'm feeling about everything now... *makes face*... Think I hate myself.

Thinking back about Intra Council chalet... thinking of the beach, and the memories of VS LTC, just standing there, staring at the sea with Bryan... singing old songs that we used to sing in VS... the memories just flooded back one by one, and we immersed in it. Then we were talking to Ben and Harish abt the mackerel tradition that was unfortunately, abolished once leaders were not allowed to go to the campfire of the junior's LTC... P.E. dept... u pple keep making things worse... can't we keep our traditions at least?

I feel sick. Think I'm falling sick. Haiz... what to do? :) Life's like that.

Heyz Mandy, back again...

Came back from Intra chalet, and I must say that talking to Siva, Edrei, Joel on the first night and Bryan and Dom on the second night was quite enriching... I guess Bryan and Dom are right, if I really do like someone, I should go all out for her... Problem is, I still dunno who I like... yeah, I know that I said I like Anhua, but I'm now really confused... Wish there was a way to clear my mind about all these... really tired of getting hurt, and having people saying that I like people too easily, and so on... the just hope that once I do clear my mind of all these confusing thoughts, I'd be able to see it through, and not suffer anymore pain in the span of it all.

During the chalet, I realised just how much my mei, Kristy was going through. I'm sorry Mandy, I can't tell you anything about it, but all I can say is that for a 17 year old, she does have problems that are really too heavy on her. I dunno... as a kor, I so want to be there for her whenever she's down and everything, but at the same time, I'm sick and tired of coming across as someone who's touchy feely. Maybe I shouldn't be so caring to people after all right? What good comes out of it? I don't really know... haiz... but then again... I won't ever stop caring for people... Don't ask me how I know about it Mandy... I just do...

Realised that depression for me is very very common nowadays... found that I spent a lot more time sitting at the steps leading to the beach as compared to the building during the chalet. I don't mind... I managed to find Orion belt again, and seeing the twinkling stars in the sky... somehow just wish that everything was kinda like the stars... just distant and faraway, yet beautiful for all to admire... someone who has no worries at all.

Oh well Mandy, I guess it's about time to return to the books. Can see my chinese hmwk calling me... take care Mandy, will tell u more next time...

Heyz Mandy... back again. You know, I've stopped writing in Hannah... and I've returned to writing in Jasmine... but still, not as much as I used to. Recently, I've been more accustomed to being isolated, or wanting to be isolated. I dunno... seems like being alone is the best way to be nowadays... I step into the Council room, take a look around at the people in the Council room, and realise that somehow or rather... they aren't my truest friends. I know that it is wrong of me to say this Mandy, but... well... I don't know... my bestest friends from Council are still Rachel and Joanna, but I just don't feel like telling them anything... I don't want to lose them again... I know I don't, but i just feel like... it's really hard to put the feeling into words, Mandy, but... you get what i mean...

I told Abby this... in VJC, I don't really have anybody to confide in... And Abby was so nice about the whole thing. She kept trying to cheer me up... then said "you still have me!" then smiled at me in that smile that only the two of us know means a lot to each other. And she slipped her arm through mine as I walked her home on Wednesday... really miss my bestest best friend. She cld immediately tell there was something wrong with me... and then gave me a hug when I needed it the most... Haiz... those days are so rare nowadays. Looking forward to Wednesdays a lot now.

And then... about Anhua... I don't know... I know that I still really really like her, bt at the same time I'm getting so scared that I'll make her uncomfortable cause I sms her or talk to her too much... I don't want to lose her... like how i lost other pple...

I keep getting myself into these sort of things... sick and tired of everything... I feel like just letting go of everything... just to be able to... Oh, i don't know... just want to be able to stop feeling... I want to stop being someone who cares... but I can't... and the feeling is so horrible Mandy... it hurts so much... Council isn't a place for someone like me... I've been closing so many doors, but yet... somehow or rather, I still can't help but stil care about people... and still be ultra sensitive. I just wish... I just wish that... oh what the hell. I just wish I was dead.

Heyz Mandy... today's the last day that I actually have fun... starting tmr, it's time to follow the timetable planned and to work reallie reallie hard. I'm aiming for getting As for Promos, but must maintain a C grade average. Kinda high... but me going to work for it... I hope I end up collapsing like how i almost did on friday.

Looking back at everything that I';ve been through Mandy, and I realise how much I haven't been... i dunno how to say it, but I guess it's something to do with my friends... how much I haven't been able to give them the time they need, how busy they really are... that sort of thing. Not being a very good friend now am I? Haiz....

Oh well... it's about time I started to be more like myself... the me I was in VS... the one who did things for Victoria, the one who works for Victoria. It's about time I reverted back to that kinda person... because that was and is still the main and most important reason for my becoming a Councillor and ending up in VJC.
For Victoria... thy sons are we... thy son am I.

Heyz Mandy... I feel like a bit of a failure... apparently the Camp Instructors of VS are totally no hope. And the Camp Leaders make me feel like I failed in my duty of training them up well. 15 out of 49 instructors turn up for banner painting. 4 work on a 9m by 9m banner, and 11 touch up a finished banner... what a mix up in proportions. And then, the Camp Leaders got pissed when Bryan and Law scolded them... haiz... looks like VS is really losing its touch... the leaders themselves are... how to say? Getting more and more lenient... and they failed to induce the Victorian Spirit into the Camp Instructors. I feel so lousy.

Then, Anhua smsed me... she noticed i looked rather bothered by everything... so she smsed me to ask me... i told her the situation in brief, and even though she sort of misunderstood... still, having her around is still the best... She really knows how to make people feel better, and I really am grateful to her for being there for me always. I hope I don't make u feel stifled Anhua... I'll stop de k?

ACJC invest today was quite fun. Met Shih, Mich, Li Shan and Ashley again... but I really miss Shih and Mich. They both cried... stepping down today wad... and i couldn't help but cry as well... the first time i saw Shih cry... and seeing Mich so upset, then when the ACJC 27th Students' Council President gave his speech, the tears dropped. Now I really understand why 19TH cried when they stepped down... I can sincerely feel the pain now... after working very hard for Council, and forging all those friendships... suddenly, in a day, you're no longer a Councillor. And then reality hits you, and u know that just like how suddenly, u r no longer the active Council, how someday, u may just drift apart from each other. Its really saddening... I will miss 20th... esp Joanna and Rachel... and I will miss Anhua... Anhua, if u really go abroad, I'll go find u de k? We talked abt it le.... :)

Okiez, shall end here... gd nite Mandy.

Hey Mandy... back after a stint. Well, got back 3 results... Physics is 37.8 (O), Chem is 45.5 (E, Coz they lowered the passing mark), and Maths is 57(D). Not very good, so I'm going to work even harder. Once match support for National Track and Field is over, I'll start my studying... lemme tell you my intended timetable k?
Monday: Physics
Tuesday: Chemistry
Wednesday: Maths
Thursday: Biology
Friday: Misc
Saturday: Phys and Chem
Sunday: Maths and Biology
There we go... well of course, I'll do my tutorials before I get down to revision and I'll cake out time for Council stuff. Plus, I promised Rachel I won't get sick, so Mandy, I'll have to accomplish all these things... haha... geez... think I'll end up breaking the promise I made with Rachel.

Been very tired lately... and it has been noticed by Sharon. Haiz... Mandy, I didn't make the basketball team... didn't play my best that day. Thank you though, to the people who made me feel better... Joanna, Rachel, Kristy P, Sara... and most importantly, Anhua. She's really great Mandy... Well... I guess I ought to take care of myself in these few days... really miss the easy going times, but hey... no rest for the weary i guess...

Cheering prac later... haha... must remember my role of supporting the MRS... jiayou everyone... as Anhua told me... we'll pull through together. :)

Heyz Mandy... well, I'm beginning to think that everything I used to believe in regarding friendship is being proved wrong in VJC. Was i too naive to believe in things the way I did? maybe... I just wish that the world could be more innocent? Whereby I could trust in friends the way i did? Knowing pple see me for who I am, accept me for who I am...? Well, guess its unfair for the world to do that... because I don't rule it, so I guess from the very start, it was wishful thinking. Sorry Jo, its my fault... you do need a break from me. Everyone does.

Sometimes Mandy, i think about resigning from Council. I don't know... its so tiring... and its not physically... its emotionally... I'm drained. So much... I need a hug... and a shoulder to cry on... but who can I find? Haiz... maybe tomorrow I'll go to my hideout in school. Its... really great being there. Dunno la... u feel more at ease with things there...

Exams are over, and well... know i won't be doing too well.. haiz... Mandy... my life is so topsy turvy... haiz...

Hey Mandy... its 4 papers down and one left for mid-years. And out of the four I've taken so far, I think I'm going to fail two... chemistry and physics... can't believe it... haha... Mandy, it feel kinda unfair. U actually studied so hard... and in the end... you are faced with a paper u still can't do. Haiz...

Just went through Rachel's blog, and realised that what she said is kinda true... life in JC is going too fast... I wish I have more time so that I can spend time with the Council, and balance out my studies and know more pple better... yeahz... to pple who are thinking of her... don't even go further... its in general... ;)

ok, me going back to my maths... ganbatte ne!

Okay... I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me... I seem to be pissing off the people I'm close to. I don't know... haiz... changing myself isn't the way I want things to be in the first place. I don't know... haiz... don't know anything anymore... maybe I should just start working my butt off and forget everything and everyone. Its time I stood by myself, and stopped relying on people... I love my friends... I really do... but... haiz. Let's just say that it may be better for me to just go alone and not tell anyone... it hurts too much when so many things happen one after another.

Joanna and Theodora gave me a lot of encouragement today... really grateful to them. I really want to try out for the basketball squad... but I don't know if my mom will approve... and I don't know if I will make the team... but I guess there's no harm in trying out... then there's also Council and studies... argh... so much stress. Mandy, what would you do if you were me? Would you still go for it?

And Mandy... do you think I'm a good person? I'm starting to doubt myself again... haiz... I need some time... but I don't get any in VJC... or I hardly get any. I want to go to the beach... I want to talk to Jessie and Abby... I want to be there for Peishan and QiQi... I want to be the person I was in VS... I want to be the me I once was. But can I achieve all those again? I guess only time will tell. Ganbatte ne... life was meant to be sucky anyway.

Heyz Mandy...finally found time to log on and talk to you again. Well, things between me and Rachel are better, but i doubt we;'ll ever go back to the same closeness we once had. She's happy the way things are now, and well, if she's happy, I'll be... soon. Guess I won't be telling her as much as I used to le... very scared of how things are going to be... well.. nvm.

Realised that in VJC, everything I used to believe in seems to be wrong. I thought that as long as I was true to myself, people would see it... I completely forgot it took me more than 2 years for VS to accept me. What makes me think VJC is that quick in accepting me? I can seriously feel as though... I've changed myself...? I'm disappointed in myself already. Really... how could I let people change how i want myself to be? But in the end... it did happen. Haiz... forget it. No point saying anything already. Because even I myself, don't know what I'm talking about either.

Good night Mandy... it seems to me that life for me at the moment is only going downwards.

Heyz Mandy... I just came back from the Council BBQ, and I just hecked the heater, and just bathed at 10.30pm in icy cold water... it was so soothing... washes away all the pain that you feel. For a moment there, I actually believed that I was in a world without worries... the icy coldness took away all the pain that I feel... both inside and outside... that stupid thigh injury came back again. And its good! Now I can just inflict more pain on myself to forget the pain that was been welling up inside of me for a long time. Its not just problems with my friends anymore... its a lot of stuff. I'm so sick of having to be someone I'm not... I so want to be someone that I can be proud to say that I didn't have to change myself because of external pressure... but I can never say that anymore. Not anymore. I've become someone I'm not. I've become a shadow of who I am...

Mandy, I'm tired of everything that has been happening. I'm just so tired. I want to give up, I really do, but I know I can't. Darn, can't believe I'm crying now because of this. stop crying Daniel. There's no point... this is the path u chose, so stick to it. If you can't carry on through for any reason... remember u have to because of Victoria. It is the main reason for your existence. For Victoria School.

Well, at the end of the day, there's only one thing I can say I'm proud of. I kept up to my resolution... I have always believed, Mandy, that as long as my friends are happy, its alright if i end up getting hurt or upset... and well, I have managed to keep up to that today. I don't really feel like telling u what happened, Mandy, cause i'm seriously tired out... emotionally and physically. But anyway, I'm sure that you understand what I'm going through, even if I don't say anything... well Mandy, Im glad that I have you around. *Smuacks*

Wrote two poems today as well. but me shan't write it in today k... me shall write it in some other day. the beach served as a really good place... and I would have told people a lot of things...esp to people who are close to me... but I know that I'd tell Anhua and Joanna the most... but of the people who went to the bbq today... I know that if Rachel and I were still as close as we used to be... I'd tell her the most.

And you know what Mandy? I still would.

Council bbq tmr... whoopee.

Heyz... well, so much have happened in the short span of time, and well, I don't feel comfortable in telling you... oh by the way... I'm hereby naming this blog Mandy... it feels much better talking to a person then to actually be talking to an online webpage.

Mandy, I've suddenly realised that somehow, good friends don't always turn out to be the way you expect them to be? I don't know... its like, all of a sudden, I've lost the courage and faith in one of my friends, and Mandy, to be honest, it isn't a very good feeling... how once you were really close to a person... and the next, you just know that you can never be as close to that person anymore... Have you ever felt that way before Mandy?

And surprisingly, in this duration of time, I also realised that a good friend is one who will listen to you even though she doesn't know you very well, and you are able to chat with her for a long time... and not want to hang up the phone, even though you both have to study... yeah. Her name is Anhua, Mandy, and I'm really glad that I managed to meet and get to know her better throughout this duration of time. She's been such a great companion and listening ear to everything that has happened, and I find her a very wonderful girl... and sweet. Haha... yeah Mandy, if only you could meet her... I think you'd love her!

The mid year examinations are up in a week and a half. I don't think I'm really prepared at all... i just hope i can do fairly well... and to top it off, there's a whole lot of work that'll come in term 3, and I seriously don't think I'm prepared for such a workload... maybe I ought to mentally up myself... its going to be a rocky uphill journey, and to be honest? One that I'm not prepared for.

Well... me just watched "A league of their own" and I cried... especially when Betty received a telegram informing her that her husband had passed away in the war! And the thing is, the stupid postman didn't have the name written on the list? In the end, their coach grabbed the telegram from him, sent him out the door, and very very sadly walked down the row (coz betty's sitting at the end) and gave it to Betty with a heavy heart... and poor Dotti! She thought it was her husband... and Betty is the nicest member of the team... always caring for her teammates... so sad... the whole movie was very very touching... can't believe it... hehe...

Kinda happy about the way things are nowadays... hanging out with the Council, studying in the room with them, and just having fun playing sports after each session... i love the 20th... and I'm glad to say that I'm getting closer with the guys, and with my two bestest bestest fwends of Council... Jo and Rachel... u both are the best! U both always stick by me, no matter how dejected and how close i was to giving up on myself... they always stuck by me, and I'm so thankful to them for that. Thank you both for your present and your note today... I really love it... and i really am lucky to have such good friends in you both... Thank you.

Me intend to try out for basketball after mid years... but i somehow get the feeling that I won't make it at all... I think that I'm not up to standard... but its still kinda early... shall take this hols to train up, and see where i end up after that... haha... kinda optimistic rite? Regretted not furthering bball in sec sch... even though it eventually got closed down. Haiz... :s

kkez, so mid year is coming, and seriously, i think I've been kinda slacking... must buck up... today will be the last day of too much play than work! I shall be more disciplined... and i need to teach my mei basketball!! haha... hope i do a good job!

Desolation, despair, disdain, lack of faith in myself, giving up on myself... all these things are all what I feel nowadays. I can't show it, but neither can i forget or push it away... I can only... I can only fall deeper... I'm having second thoughts about Council, I'm thinking of writing a resignation letter... I'm thinking of giving up. I have never in my life ever felt this way before... and to make things worse, I can't show it to anybody at all...

I talked to Joanna about this just now... and she kept on insisting that I don't give up... its not worth it, giving up, after all that I've done for Council... she said I'm the emotional support for the Council... and during Soccer finals, she had the courage to start cheers because she was standing next to me. I'm sincerely very touched by what she said, and I am slowly picking myself out of that deep deep hole that I've fallen into, but I know that... it'll be quite some time before I can pick myself up from the desperation I've entered.

During the soccer finals, I cried... very very badly. And Bryan pulled me to sit beside him, and he scolded me. He made me face him, and he told me not to cry, not to do that to him. He knew very well that I was putting the blame on myself, I placed the soccer team's loss as a mistake on our part, knew that I was scared that we would get scolded, and also, he knew that I was feeling very upset for the soccer guys for they had trained so hard and yet they lost. But he also made me see a point... this is not VS where we would get the blame for things if they didn't go well. This is VJC... it is a place whereby only we are the true judges of how good we are... whereby only people who see us for who we are, see us for what we';ve done, can truly tell whether or not we have done what we can, whether we have done our job. And that made me stand up, stop crying, and walk on.

Benjamin talked to me. He said that he knew that yesterday was a depressing day, and a lot of the Councillors would be feeling like how the keeper, Malcolm would be feeling. But he said that even though they were all sprawled on the ground, crying because of the pain they felt upon losing the match, they still stood up in the end and came towards us. And that's what's important. And he also said that I am the captain of the 20th. I have to be the one who leads them all to stand back up on their two feet, and press on. Our journey is still in the early depths of time, and I have to be the first one to pick myself up and subsequently, the rest of the Council. He had faith in me that I could do it... but the problem is... do I? I seriously don't know...

Right now, the only 2 reasons that I'm staying, holding on for 20th Council is 20th itself, and the Victorian Spirit that burns within me. But, i don't know why, lately, its only the Victorian Spirit that drives me to excel... 20th... yes, they are there for me, and I do need them to be around... but well... maybe I've been seeing things differently... that somehow or rather... I'm no longer who I used to be anymore. Its like, I've built this wall around me... living as someone that I seem to be all the time, but deep down I'm not... that kind of feeling. As in, being a pretender. I'm so confused as to what my heart is telling me... I can't believe I have to go to the extent that I can't even be sure of what I'm feeling anymore... I feel so lost, so confused... I really wish I had a firmer hold on my emotions, and that I could read them now... but now, I seem to be so vulnerable... Why are things turning out to be this way?

Joanna is a really good friend, to have let me tell her all these just now... and I may be making my way up... but somewhere along the way... I'm pretty sure. I'll go sliding back down.
-Daniel-