Dear Mandy...

As the date draws nearer for me to leave for Canada, the strength of the bittersweet feelings just seem to get increasingly stronger and stronger. I'm keen to go, actually, but at the same time, I'm apprehensive about flying.

It's not so much so that it's a new environment, a new place.. cause heck! I think I've been exposed to too many new experiences and working and being by myself for the longest time that for some funny reason, I've managed to adapt, and accommodate quickly.. sure there are times when I'll miss home, esp when I was in the army, but I grew to assimilate and even enjoy the fact that I'm able to live and survive in the army without much problem after the first month or so... well, ok, adjustment period of one month for each new environment/camp I was posted to, with the exception of ever so wonderful OCS. That kinda took me much longer. =)

Perhaps the one thing that has the biggest gravitational pull for me to stay are my friends... wonderful people, especially those who're close to me. Of late? I've kinda realised that my close friend pool has changed yet again... haha... funny... it used to be Abby for the longest period of time.. since I think Pri 6 till Sec 4 that Abby and I were really close.. writing letters to slot into each other's mailboxes... meeting at our void decks every birthday... =) Then now... well, there're still the same pple that I'll run to if I need a shoulder or a listening ear... Jacob, Zhiyuan, Kristy Koh... and then there's the church people like Joel, Yvette, Felicia, Prisc... and of course, Cindy and Audrey. They're the people who I know have been there for me.... and who'll prob continue being there for me. =)

Let's also not ever discount God.. He who knows everything. =) He's always there, been there for me... and never changes. Amazing.

Perhaps this exchange is coming at a time when I need to just go away and rediscover myself. =) Actually looking forward, very much in fact to being in Canada.. where I heard the place that I'm going to is rather tranquil, quiet, and beautiful, and I mean beautiful scenery. It's almost a perfect getaway... =)

So why am I apprehensive? I wonder.. haha...

Dear Mandy...

I don't know, but I suddenly wonder about how important I really am. It's a kind of ironic situation where seriously just a little while ago, I was rather confident of where I stand, but suddenly, I don't think I am.

Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive. But then again, maybe I'm not. Perhaps my own insecurities in the past have resulted in an accumulation of insecurity. I don't know myself.

I can't deny that there's a lot in my heart, right now. Do I feel burdened? Yes, to a certain extent, I do. I just really don't know if I should be happy, sad, upset.. I have absolutely no idea. All I know, is that I just... don't know.

Say I don't know? That's probably me. Say I'm unsure.. mm.. I don't know either. I just.. really wish I knew what to do, or to say, or to just...

Somebody please tell me what to do?