Dear Mandy,

I'm in a revolving world of spinning thoughts and messy feelings, and I don't really like it. Everything seems to be coming together in a world of mumbo and jumbo, and in the end, i'll probably get gumbo. I feel once again like a pea in a great big pan with other green peas.. not knowing where I belong or where I fit in... or in this case... what constitutes the real me.

In this season of a certain.. stepping back.. I'm starting to lose a bit of sensing about who I really am. Though the basis is easy... but the execution is difficult, and the ideology that comes with it, confusing. We can understand the basis, but the execution is seriously daunting. And when we try to analyse why, we come across so many gray areas that make things so difficult and seriously mind boggling. But this doesn't address the question as to why the sudden loss of self identity... why the sudden... lapse of being unsure of who I am.

Who is the real me? How do I treat my close friends? Am I constant in my actions to everyone? And... how much am I willing to compromise on being who I am, or doing what I feel, in accordance to what others deem of me. Is the final question asked, what is the basis for my doing certain things? Then why the contradiction? How am I to acknowledge that this person is one of my closest friends about, and then ask me to treat that person as to how I'd treat a normal acquaintance? The two sides don't seem to tally to me, and though I know that there is a reason for having to be as such, but they just don't seem to match. Reverting back to being normal acquaintances and working it back up is one thing... completely having to change the way I do things, is another matter completely... am I slowly becoming somebody I'm not...?

I'm wondering if this is really God's plan for me... is all this suffering because God wants to make me into a better person? To relinquish my smaller radius of personal space, and learn how to treat everyone the same. Gosh... I have completely no idea. I should probably spend more time in prayer...? But somehow... where does this entire line end, and where does it start? And what are the grey areas that need clarification? And at the end of the day... the who, what, where, when and why... still fall short of answers that can truly truly answer my confusion.

I don't know anymore... you know? I thought I did, and I thought that I could handle things well, and be submissive and all, and everything else. But perhaps that rainbow at the end of the storm is just what it is. An illusion of light. Nothing concrete... it's a painful realisation, huh?

Dear Mandy...

Does not being needed feel that way sometimes? Does the sweet tangy taste of romance constantly call out and beckon to you? Does reading, even so much as watching a couple get together after all the obstacles bring a tender twist to your heart, wondering "Why can't that person be me?"

Well.. I don't have all the answers... but there have been times whereby I feel that way myself. I can be reading about Menion Leah fighting all the trolls and gnomes in "The Sword of Shannara" and find myself adrenaline rushed, only to sigh ruefully when he finds his comfort in the arms of Shirl Ravenlock, the girl he falls in love with. I could be watching Yamada Taro fighting to accustom himself to living out of his comfort zone and sympatising with him, and then feel a tender twist when I see how Takako helps bring back the smile to his face. It's quite amazing, this tender emotion that people call love, and every now and then, I can't help but smile tenderly at how amazing it really is.

And yet, I find myself trusting in the Lord for His time, and though impatient at times, perhaps the whole essence of it all is that it's really trusting in His time. It isn't easy, definitely.. but it's really the promise of something beautiful at the end of the journey that would motivate most people to learn how to trust in the Lord, and really not be anxious in what is going on. Sure.. there are times when I really wish that the person I like would so much as tell me something encouraging, or what not, but then, I'm reminded that I should find my soul's satisfaction in God alone when I pray about things... It'd be nice to have that kind of affirmation... but isn't God's affirmation so much better? =)

But of course, we're just human, so once in a while, a bit of affirmation that comes my way is really appreciated. Like how Gayne thanked me today for having been there to support and encourage her while she was freaking out about collecting her A Level results... it gave me this nice warm feeling. Of course, there comes along some feedback about yourself in general, and you are alikened to an alarming wake up call that not everyone's like you. *Shrug* So we learn, so we pick ourselves out.

But what Cheryl told me also stays strong with me. That I should just be myself... just be a bit wary of the things I do. Jacob also gave me good advice.. about how I should maintain a purely professional relationship with people i don't know until I'm sure that they're worth sharing more with. It's probably a learning lesson, but I'm glad for it in any case.

I'll keep walking, and as I walk, I'll keep learning.