ON BENDED KNEE - BOYZ II MEN

Darling I, I can't explain,Where did we lose our love,
'Girl it's driving me insane.
And I know I just need one more chance,
To prove my love to you.
And if you come back to me,I'll guarantee,
That I'll never let you go.

CHORUS:
Can we go back to the days
Our love was strong.
Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong.
Can somebody tell me How to get things back,
The way they used to be.
Oh God, give me the reason,
I'm down on bended knee.

B-SECTION:
I'll never walk again,
Until you come back to me,
I'm down on bended knee.

So many nights I dream of you.
Holding my pillow tight I know,
That I don't need to be alone.
When I open up my eyes,
To face reality,
Every moment without you,
It seems like eternity.
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me.

REPEAT CHORUS.

MIKE:Baby, I'm sorry,
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I'm sorry I let you down.
Please forgive me.

I'm gonna swallow my pride,Say I'm sorry,
Stop pointing fingers, The blame is on me.
I want a new life,And I want it with you.
If you feel the same,Don't ever let it go.
You gotta believe in the spirit of love,
It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more.
No I don't believe our love's terminal.
I'm down on my knees,Begging you please,
Come home.

REPEAT CHORUS TWICE.
REPEAT BRIDGE.

Wanna build a new life,
Just you and me.
Gonna make you my wife,
Raise a family.

REPEAT BRIDGE.

This song is one of my personal favourite... it's a song that's sad, impactful, and yet those kind of slow ballads that are way up my alley. Hmm... well... this song can describe my feeling at the moment also... things now are rather confusing, complicated... and as I struggle to find my footing and my place, I find myself constantly being swept from under my feet...

Of late, I started to think about some things, and I realised that the stress is really accumulating. Not only do I have to balance my studies and projects, I now have to handle the DnD, as well as my pending reservist dates... Am I worried? Yeah, I don't deny it.. And yet, I find myself unwilling to tell people about these stress... I just take it all upon myself, clam up, and try to swim my way through a river fraught with obstacles. Might as well just shoot myself while I'm at it, because I seriously don't know where else to go or what else to do.

Arrows, trust, reliability, responsibility... I know I am all those, and capable of taking on much more... but some people don't seem to understand it when I say I really want to take a break from being the guy who's always at the forefront, leading the charge. I really have enjoyed being that silent guy in uni thus far... the one who just keeps to himself, minding his own business, and not worrying about having to face the scores of expectations people set upon you just because you are this guy that everyone knows.

I guess it's at this point i have to say that one reason why I'm hung on as long as I have is cause of God's grace, my motivation, support and inspiration in Rainie, and that group of close friends I have who never let me fall too far...

"You gotta believe in the spirit of love, It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more." This line stands out so much in the song I posted... I really believe that love can heal all things, and time heals all wounds. I really do.. And that's why I believe that tears aren't weakness... I believe tears are emotions, tears are expressions.. tears are only human. You cry when you're happy, you cry when you're sad, you cry when you're afraid, you cry when you're lonely and by yourself... and most importantly... you cry because you're strong enough to admit that sometimes you need a good cry, a warm hug and the presence of someone you love to give you that security that everything is going to be alright.

And... well... I guess that right now... I need just that...

Dear Mandy,

I went back to VJC to study today, and truth being told... it felt like old days... I won't say I was very productive... but I did manage to complete the tutorial for Linear Algebra I, which wasn't by any chance easy.. and I got started on my tutorial for EL 1101E, and had fun with Zhiyuan and Meng Siong in our chats.

I kinda wished I had more time to study and everything, but I guess I'm thankful for what I managed to complete. I'm actually looking forward to longer studying hours in a conducive environment... wherever it may be... be it at VJC, sometimes at home, with Rainie... well, really, the sense of completing an assignment or a reading really can be quite euphoric. It's weird... haha... an adrenaline rush from readings... never thought I'd say that in my life.

Had to rush off to Andrew's birthday party after that, and truth be told, I love his singing. His voice is so deep and so mellow that I really lost myself in it... THen there were the speeches by people about him... about what a good friend he has been, or the things that he has done that makes him so special, and indeed, I found myself quite enthralled by the ongoing speeches, and along the way, I started wondering what people would say about me. Haha... it's kinda weird, but I brushed the notion aside quickly, because I am pretty content with life thus far... well, the key word being pretty.

I trust God with what's going on in my life... but I do wish that Rainie was back in my life. Things between us of late haven't been the very smooth sailing... it suddenly occurred to me by and large, what has been causing rifts in our relationship have been mostly external factors. Though I'm not keen to say what external factors, but we have let what has been going on affect us... it's quite weird, to say the least.. but I sense that we have been shortchanged in our relationship. I myself haven't been the most secure in that knowledge either, and I'm gradually learning... though slow, but gradually.

But thanks be to God... for He always provides, and the affirmation that I received both from Him and Rainie give me the strength that I need to carry on strongly... I trust in God... and I believe in Rainie... :)

Dawn breaks... :)

Dear Mandy,

And oft it seems that the likes of time are simply a test of reality. Understand what I just typed, well, neither do I. I'm typing gibberish, and it feels like just the right thing to do.

I'm kinda lost... Lost in the frails and demands of university, lost in my own thoughts... and lost in the happenings around me. I'm just simply lost. I'm trying to cope with the everyday hassles of life, and yet, find myself seriously wanting. I've got to try to refind the me that I once was... because even I myself have realised that I'm losing that gentle, sensitive side of me... Perhaps I'm finding that it's better to protect yourself in a sense, because I don't really know most of the people that I'm going for lectures or the soon to take place tutorials. But I don't want to lose that soft, sensitive and understanding side of me in this plethora of growing up problems.

I can't seem to fathom the right words to say at the right times, and I cannot seem to hide my emotions as well as I used to...

Hmmm... perhaps I've been taking too much on for my own good? I have absolutely no idea... but studying sociology has been interestingly fun, and it did give me new insights when I went through the textbook just now... I can definitely relate to the part whereby it says that "They cannot cope with their personal troubles in such a way as to control the structural transformations that usually lie behind them."

Isn't it quite so true? I mean, how often has it that we face problems because of what society seems to deem as what the normal, average person should obtain? Or how we're completely bound by the rules that society throws at us? It really did open up my views about the whole thing, and well, so far, it hasn't changed my perspective much, but I'm pretty certain that in due time, it will.

After all is said and done... I guess I have to trust that God will be there for me, and that He will make a way. We all go through our tough times in life... but I believe God will bring us through it all. I just have to remain prayerful, and seek Him in times of need.

I have to say thank you to JoAan, Dommy, Sharon Tey, Sabrina, Jacob and Zhiyuan... for being there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. :)

And I have to say thank you to Rainie.. for being my motivation, inspiration.. I'm sorry of late I've been quite not the same... but I'll be back.. this i promise. Forgive me...

Dear Mandy,

"To be or not to be, that is the question." I guess this is an awfully famous quote that philosophers always use. Today marks the end of my first week in university, and truth be told, it's been quite tiring, to say the least. Though I did enjoy a couple of my university lectures, there were some that leave me worried, and a bit apprehensive about how well I'm going to do in uni.

I enjoyed my Philosophy, Sociology and English lectures, and though my China Film studies and math lecturers leave much to be desired, I think that I can do well if I put in effort and keep up with my readings, and my tutorials. It's time to be a different person... to be a hardworking mugger, and stop being involved in too many activities for my own good.

That being said.. a lot of people have sensed the change in my personality... where once I was the world's most sociable idiot, I've become a reserved chap whose sole purpose is to study hard and make it. And a lot of people have been even surprised at my change, but I realised that I kinda like being this way. Low profile, relatively unknown, and not being watched by everyone. It's nice to not have to shoulder the responsibility of answering to the demands of the social world, and to sit quietly and observe the world go by. Though I'm still the same spunky, crazy guy to my close friends, they too can sense my desire to become a deep, contemplative individual.

Of late, it seems everyone has been having a lot of personal problems to handle.. just want to say "Jiayou" to everyone, and there will be a brighter day. Hang in there, and if you have to, cry... I've learnt that tears are not a sign of weakness, but emotions... and it takes more courage to cry than to be strong. I believe that, i really do.

Rainie... thank you... for everything. You're still my inspiration, my pillar of support, and I'm thankful that you're in my life... I miss you...

Dear Mandy,

"Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,

No birth, identity, form - no object of the world,

Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;...

The body, sluggish, aged, cold - the embers left from earlier fires,

... shall duly flame again;'

-Walt Whitman

Loss is something that we all have to deal with someday. But these words that Walt Whitman wrote in his book of poems entitled "Leaves of Grass" make me feel that loss is always a learning lesson for something. "Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost" is so so true. I guess sometimes, we always forget that even if physically, someone is gone away from us, departed the planet to another paradise, he or she always has a special place in our hearts. And in that safe haven of our hearts, he or she comes alive in our memories, is remembered in our words, and is renunciated in our actions.

Abt Rainie? I shall use poetry again:

"I ne'er was struck before that hour

With love so sudden and sweet,

Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower

And stole my heart away complete."
- Anonymous

I don't really know who wrote that, so I'll just put anonymous. But it is quite sweet, the 4 little lines that describe the moment whereby you realise you're actually in love. It's a sweet, tender emotion. The first week of the 4 have just went by, but truth be told, it feels like an eternity since those 7 days went by, and there just seems to be 3 more to go.

I was watching 7th Heaven Season 2, and surprisingly 2/3 of the episodes I watched talked about loss in some way. Be it when Lucy's friend died in a car accident, or the announcement of the pending departure of Matt to an out-of-state university, some of the things that the Camden family said to each other, made me tear, for I was thinking about Rainie. But then again... what Wilson told Lucy stayed with me a bit... Here's how the conversation went:

Lucy: You said a member of the club?

Wilson: I meant the club that nobody wants to be in? The one where you lose someone you love and become an unwilling member. You're in it whether you want to be or not.

Lucy: I kind of thought that's what you meant. Because that's how I feel. Like I'm not like other people anymore. They want to help, they say they know. But they don't... not really.

Wilson: Look Lucy, I've been having a hard time lately. On prom night, I kinda realised that I like Mary, but I don't want to tell her.

Lucy: Why?

Wilson: Because I'm afraid of us getting too close. I'm afraid if I get close to her, she'll die.

Lucy: That's so weird. I feel the same way. Like everyone I know is 1 second away from leaving the planet... Me included. And you know, for the first time, I realise that I want to do something while I'm here. I mean, I must have been left for some reason. God must have some purpose for me to be living, if not, why was I not in that car?

Wilson: Right after my wife died, I felt the same way... why didn't I die? Why her? That was so unfair. I wanted to do something purposeful with my life. You can too, by being a great sister, a great daughter, and a good friend.

The rest of the story is kinda long, but the main gist of it all is that, when there was loss, they both felt the same urge to do something purposeful with their lives. Though the loss that they felt was a far greater loss - death, loss is essentially still pretty much the same. WHen you lose someone important to you, you lose a part of yourself, and that pretty much kills you. Some people may say that "It was meant to be", others just say things like "This really sucks!", but more often than not, people don't say out what they really feel, because they don't know if anybody else will understand exactly what it is they're going through. And that inwardly, they actually are glad to be alive, and yet, moving on is the hardest part of it all.

In another episode, there were 2 incidents that touched me greatly.This little girl, Sarah lives with her alcoholic father. THe Camdens helped restore the trailer's electricity, water and plumbing, and even furnished the trailer that it looked like home. However, it meant that his daughter had to stay with his mother or a foster home. The father, Joe, loves his daughter to bits, and vice versa. And he didn't want to give her up, but his condition would prompt social services and the police department to step in. And Joe was quite distraught, but Rev Camden said that if he really loved Sarah, he would do the right thing, as hard as it is. And Joe, for the love of his daughter, let Sarah go with his mother, so that he could be in a better shape to get over his alcoholism. And when he was sober, he would get Sarah back.

The Camden siblings then put together a thanksgiving for their parents, to thank them for having done such a good job raising them up, only to have Matt announce that he was going to an out-of-state university to study. Rev Camden then said that Matt had decided that he wanted to go away, and Annie said that though they'll miss him, but they want him to be happy, and so, it was time for him to leave the nest.

And yet, the most impactful statement that really really hit me came from Simon when he said "If you love someone, you have to let them go. And I love Sarah, and as hard as it is, it's best if she goes with her grandmother."

Someone once told me "If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. They may be happier in greener pastures." And these days, I believe that God has been leading me to slowly, but surely, be comfortable in trusting Him that He will make all things beautiful in His time. It's amazing how He works, and truth be told, I am learning how to trust Rainie more and more. Though I still know not how to show her that I trust her, and that I have done it the wrong way and using the wrong words, but I believe God's plan for us is beautiful.

At the end of this 1 month, whatever answer that Rainie gives, I will accept and respect her decision. But it won't ever change the fact that I'm still going to try my best to be her best friend, and I want to still be there for her in every aspect possible. So, that's the only promise that I can make. If I do get a 2nd chance, I will cherish and do my best to make it work with unconditional love and unconditional trust.

God bless all of you who read this article, for God has been so good to me, and I believe that He wants to bless all of us. I love Rainie, and I will let God take the wheel of my life, and let Him plan my journey for me. :)

Dear Mandy,

To put it mildly.. I miss Rainie.

I made a stupid mistake of doubting her and not trusting her enough, and well, now, we're on this one month "back to best friends" thing before we eventually re-evaluate whether or not we will take that step forward to going steady. I really wish I could turn back time, and take back whatever I had said that night... because I really am finding it difficult to cope without her presence around.

These last 3 days have been frought with tears at most weird moments, that deep, aching in the heart, that solitude, the heart-wrenching feeling of loneliness... it's all kind of difficult to surmise in words just how painful the feeling actually is. Without Rainie around... everything just doesn't seem to be as nice...

I guess the old saying of "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone" can technically be used here. I haven't lost Rainie yet... and I intend to make the most of this 1 month to regain her trust in me... I believe that she still has feelings for me... I just have to make sure that they grow stronger in this month, and that I myself get over that insecurity that she's going to leave me.. because I know now, that when she committed herself to me, her heart only belongs to me. I was daft not to see that... and this time around... if she gives me a second chance, I really am going to trust her, and fully appreciate this chance.

I pray that God will give me a 2nd chance in this relationship as well... that the things I do will find favour with Rainie, and eventually bring us both back together.

Rainie... if you do come by here... I miss you. I miss everything about you... I love you. I really do.