Dear Mandy,


Merry Christmas!


This is a picture of Angkor Wat in the wee hours of sunrise, and truth be told... it is a majestic sight. I've only just came back from Cambodia on Saturday, China before that, and well, also been for Christmas Service, as well as "Tell the World - A Christmas Eve Service" and now, it's Christmas. A lot has happened in the last few trips, eventful, and full of God's grace, and being perfectly honest, I've been awed constantly by what has happened and have seen, once again, the beauty of God's plan in His time.





This is a picture of a dance that the children that I spent time with in Sunrise CHildren's village put up. In truth? Time in Siem Reap (the place in Cambodia where the Orphanage was situated) seemed to pass by so slowly... time was not of the essence, and I found myself really enjoying the sweet, somewhat crawling pace of life, as for once, I didn't really feel pressurised into having to conform to a otherwise hectic life of planning, events and activity. I was content to just take things a step at a time, without thinking too much (Ok, I know, this is not possible. Fine..) and just enjoying the time with my friends.

During the time in Cambodia, it was... really much a time of fellowship over Munchkins, puns and accents. Well, the big picture for me, however, was still the immaculate presence of God, and how He watched over all of us. Sure, we met a lot of unexpected circumstances, but in all honesty, it was a through and through experience about God and His amazing grace. For the 7 of us who went up there... XiaoYun, Rachel, Audrey, Joel, Randy, Isaac and I, I guess we all walked away with a new learning experience and a whole new outlook on life.

Christmas is here, but the honest truth is that it hasn't really sank in, apart from the fellowship that I share with my church friends. If anything, I'm really growing to love each and everyone of them, and after having spent close to a year and a half in JB tribe, I guess I can safely say that I really couldn't picture myself being anywhere else. :)

Christmas is a celebration of Love and of life... and I completely agree with that. God's greatest gift and blessing, was when He sent Jesus to us on this very blessed day. And because of that, we have eternal life. Well... that just makes Christmas even so much more meaningful to me. :)

Merry Christmas, everyone. God bless you. :)

Dear Mandy,



In the blink of an eye... 3 exams are over... and to think that this time last week, I was fretting and worrying over my exams... wow.



Yesterday, we had a guest speaker... Nick Vujicic... and he is a living testament to the abundant grace of God. Born without limbs, the outlook he adopts towards life, and his simple purpose in life sets it all for him. Though indefinitely, maybe he comes from a well to do family that can provide the healthcare that he needs... but one cannot dispute the fact that his emotions are going to be a tad similar to everyone else- the initial despair, the hopelessness, the feelings of defeat and anguish- the temptation of giving up. But God came to him, an gave him a purpose. At the age of 25, he has lead thousands of people to salvation, and he believes that that is God's purpose for him. That through his predicament, he can lift up other people; that he can be a major blessing to people... that he can be the spark that people need to find their way back to the arms of our great God.



I brought Fionna to the service, and she hasn't changed much, to say the least. It was truly heartwarming to see this student of mine, who used to give me attitude, become a somewhat gentler and more mellow young lady, with no loss in her usual spunk and sass. And the best part of it all, is that it was really thanks to God for giving her good friends, and changing her heart. Well, I believe that Nick's message really reached out to her too.



When I went on stage to hug Nick, I mean, really, he's one great guy. And when he said "I love you", something struck me, and I've been thinking about it ever since.



During his message, he said that humans basically need to hear 2 things:

1) that we are loved

2) that everything's going to be alright

How often it is, that the most basic things are what makes us happy and contented? I was doing my philosophy revision paper just a while ago, and in Plato's Republic, Cephalus implies that being rich is necessary but not sufficient for happiness. And that really got me thinking, I guess... haha... Where did we lose our innocence and naivity of what make u essentially human? Aud says that the devil came in and clouded our minds, and I guess that that's really true too.

The exams so far.. well, God's been with me throughout this entire journey, and I'm really glad that He has helped me through this period... Prayer really calm me down, nd honestly speaking, it has helped me answer some tough questions in the exams too! Haha.. Praise God for His abundant grace!!

Well, as I look at it, 2 more papers remain, and after that, I fly off to China, and subsequently, Cambodia. Then come back, rush-write all the Christmas cards, then do some last minute Christmas shopping.. and that's when the mad rush escalates again. Rush the planning for Dinner and Dance for OVA, attend FCBC's Countdown party, do the 2 camps I'm called up to do, plan my modules for next semester, clear the OVA Dinner and Dance, and try to push away Victorians' Day, which is hard to do, looking at it. Darn.

Life's busy! Haha.. but I guess that's just the way it is..

Dear Mandy,

The countdown is nearing as I'm preparing to leave the house in about 30 minutes more and have my exam that is due at 1pm. Yes, my battle is about to begin, and what Cheryl told me yesterday really was super comforting. She said that I have God on my side, and that He'll provide for me. Haha... suddenly, my troops seem much more ready for battle. Thank you, Cher.. :)

Well, even as I'm mentally psyching myself for the exam, I guess I should just go in and give it my all. No point panicking, no point being paranoid... just go in there, and give it nothing less than my best. What will be, will be. *Frowns* That seems to be my favourite phrase these days.. haha.. *smiles*

Being paranoid about my exams is something that's always been the case, you see? I mean, last time in VJC, I actually blanked out during my maths exams... and ended up flunking my math prelim exams... well, I was sent for the re-test, upon my teacher, Mrs. Chuah, wanting to give me a 2nd shot. I didn't let her down this turn around as I hopped back with a C, which is um, well, I think I scored a 62 for the exam, a huge jump from my 42 in my prelims. It spear-headed me to a B for my A levels for Maths... and well, that's why I love Mrs. Chuah so much. ^^

And yet, university has been an immensely emotional rollercoaster journey thus far, but the first semeste is coming to an end, and I'm resolving to leave it all up to God already. My preparation phase this week has been really productive, to say the least, and I guess that right now, the important thing is just not to panic and to just go in there, and do my best. Forget all the past experiences that I faced of academic inability i VJC, and forget all the past assessments that I've had for Linear Algebra. The time is now, the determining factor is here. It's do or die now.

And even as I take my foot off the pedal, and let Jesus take the wheel, I do too, have to thank the people who kept me calm and composed last night... Sabbie, Rainie, Meng Siong, Zhiyuan, Jacob, Benny, Cheryl and PILA!! Hahaa.. yes yes, Pila, you. :) Thank you for just talking to me, even if it was just 4 simple sentences!! Hahaa.. :)

Well, onwards to my first battle of the exam war!! :)

Dear Mandy,

And the exams are looming nearer and nearer.. I've got 5 more days till the start of the first paper, and well, these days, studying in VJC and in NUS have made me rather productive, I feel, but I'm still apprehensive.

Well, I evaluated the odds, and I realised that I like studying in VJC more than in NUS... I feel more carefree there, and it's honestly home to me. I have the swing, which has become my favourite companion, and the garden, and the two friends who I'm really comfortable around, as well as the occasional surprise guests that come by, like Si Min and Nigel. Haha.. the two friends who I study a lot with are Zhiyuan and Meng Siong, who've been with me since Sec 1. Meng is this... hardworking machine who's always got his aim that he works relentlessly for... of the three of us, he's easily the most hardworking and ambitious one. Then there's Zhiyuan, who's the alternative point of view. Of the three of us, he's easily the most realistic and unorthodox one. Ever seen someone study Chemistry standing on his chair? Well... u get the idea.

When I study with these two people, I feel a natural need to study hard, and at the same time, a natural ease that allows me to see clearly what is going on. They provide so many insights, and it is heartening to know that all of us are going through similar situations, and we share it outwardly with each other. It's a really nice feeling, and one that makes me feel better irregardless of things.

I'm worried for the exams still, but I can sense that I'm getting better.. well, more prepared. But I guess until I take the first paper, I won't really settle down and get into the mood... It struck me when I managed to find some personal time for myself at the swing on Thursday, how much I've missed having personal time to myself to just... think. And I think I prayed to God while I was there, cause many thoughts were going through my mind, and I just kinda felt God easing all my worries and fears about life in general. His presence was really... comforting. And I got a glimmer of that long awaited personal reflection time that I craved badly.

Similarly, I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready to head back into a relationship for now... and that, until I finish all the commitments on my hand, which will stretch all the way to either January 14 or March 10, depending on whether I get Victorians' Day at hand, I'll probably remain single. Time is definitely not on my hand, and I'm not keen to just jump into a r/s for the sake of it again.

I'm also looking forward to working as a camp instructor again, with a camp in the first week of January! Whoo-hoo! Haha... back to days of momentary escapism and camaradrie amongst the instructors. I guess that camps really are a form of momentary bliss.. haha.. an offer to be away from the normal stress of the working word. A campfire to hype the mood, a group of campers that you know you can motivate. And also, more learning lessons for us NOT to get too close to our campers. That is something that I'm defintely going to learn.

On a side note... I need a break. And I don't know when I'll get it, but I know that in God's arms I can find my rest, and that where I am weak, He is strong. I'm really glad that Kristy's coming back soon... and I also have to find time to meet up with Maggie, Gracie, Gayne, Rainie, Zhiyuan, Jacob, and also, for my Church friends like Pila and Cheryl. Haha.. I've got a packed schedule... but I'll get by it. Because everything in His time. My Lord will provide for me.

"Just a closer walk with Thee

Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea

Daily walking close to Thee

Let it be, dear Lord, let it be...

I am weak, but Thou art strong

Jesus, keep me from all harm

I'll be satisifed as long

As I walk, let me walk, close to Thee

Just a closer walk with Thee

Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea

Daily walking close to Thee

Let it be, dear Lord, let it be..."

Dear Mandy,

I have absolutely no idea why I'm feeling really demoralised, tired and down and out of sorts. And it's really freaking me out. I just get this feeling like I'm not going to do well for exams, and I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing now is right, or if I'm going to get anywhere, or even... if what I'm pursuing right now is what God has for me.

It's disconcerting to say the least, and the comments that I have received for my Sociology essay aren't exactly the best. I thought that I'd done it pretty ok, but well, I kinda missed the objective, and it wasn't what they were looking for. Coming at this kinda time, it really isn't the best feeling whatsoever, and it just gets me wondering how well I'm going to be doing for my Philosophy paper as well. Coupled with the fact that this morning's lab quiz didn't go as well, I'm wondering just what is it that I'm doing right here, right now.

Am I really cut out for this sort of higher education clause? I can't remember what I've studied the day before, I'm losing sleep, and I should be stressed, but instead, I feel myself somewhat being lost in this huge vortex of a lack of direction, and a very... frail figure, like as though any minute now, I'm going to fail my exams. I really don't know what I need to get myself back on track, and I know that I'm running out of time to find that winning formula to do well, and be prepared for the exams. Just what is going on with me?!

Ugh. I'm just holding on as well as I can without breaking down, but I let myself be affected one time too many by others around me, and I really... just sincerely... wish that there was more that I could be doing, or can do. In truth, I kinda admit that despite my increase in my efforts, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to pay off. And that feeling, completely and totally sux. It;s worse than in JC, where I know that I focused too much on Council and ended up rushing to catch up, because I know that I didn't really build up my foundations. But isn't now different? I mean, I'm trying and putting in more effort... and yet... I'm just... short of the mark. *sighs*

Who am I trying to kid? My days of strong academia are really fading out... how did I manage to juggle everything in VS? I guess I now know.. the subjects that I had tuition for, I did exceptionally well, and flopped in those that I didn't have. But that isn't supposed to be the case now, isn't it? I mean.. what have I gotta do..? Go find tuition for uni subjects? That's impossible! But well... I chose this path, and I know that God led me to it. I just have to trust in Him, and put my best foot forwards.. that's all that I can do for now. But it is still awfully disconcerting... I need to get this out of my system and evaluate myself better.

Well, as of now, the only thing I have left is just to keep trying and try harder. I just have to I guess.. because.. as of now.. I'm fighting a battle that I have to succeed myself. Watching ElizabethTown gave me a couple of mixed effects... let me explain.

Drew Baylor's major flop at Mercury Shoes, and his being a completely charming person to his relatives at ElizabethTown at his father's funeral kinda sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling to come to terms with my inadequacy, and yet, I'm also having to live up to this stereotype of what is typically me. I don't know, but in sense, I'm just trying really hard, to find a firm, secure footing. In comes Claire Colburn... Claire is a happy-go-lucky woman, who is an intruguing presence to Drew. Drew spends a lot of time with Claire, and after the night that they spend together, Drew admits all his hidden feelings to Claire. And Claire, sweet, sweet Claire, told him that it really doesn't matter. And this line that she told him, really struck me: "You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to FAIL BIG and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me." It really struck me, and I think that that is an affirmation that I just have to keep trying. University was never meant to be easy, and even right now, I'm seeing that. What will be will be. I'll just keep working at it, and trust that God will somehow lead me out of this battlefield with my head held high, and having conquered the 1st Semester of University life as an undergraduate.

Life isn't all it's spruced out to be, but everything in its time. I'll keep working on it.

Dear Mandy,

Well, I'm just sitting here, supposed to be reading eithe CH2292A notes or doing some Philosophy, when I suddenly felt aimless and lonely, and decided to write in to you.

Now, is officially the mugging season, and I'm cranking up my engine *rev rev...* to become a mugger machine. And as of now, I think I'm in pretty good stead, I just need to really get my biological clock to adjust to sleeping at 2am, and to wake up at the times I've planned to wake up. Of late, it's been hard to wake up... haha... oh well... mugging is the life, the essence.. or, as someone told me, I'm officially married to my books. *shrug*

I really wonder how these exams are going to be like, and how I'll fare. I mean.. I'm really a tad slow for now, but I realised that I've covered a fair bit of ground also. Which, in all honesty, surprises me. I'm beginning to understand how to study English Language, and I love studying my sociology. Philosophy has given me new insights, which I realise I've been using when some people come to me with their problems... and China Film Studies.. the lecturer is driving me nuts. That being said, Linear Algebra stands as my biggest problem for now, but Meng Siong is helping me.

Well, on and off. That's my mentality. On and off. No no, not like the Karate kid "Wax on.. wax off.. wax on.. wax off.." *SHeesh* The on and off mentality is to take things with a pinch of salt. Knowing when to say yes and when to politely reject. Yep, learning how to say no is really a great tool when tempered with compassion and humility.

ARh. 18 more days till the big EXAMS! Haha.. forwards!!

Dear Mandy,

It's raining now, and a sweet, old song came to mind...

"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
and let me be alone again."

It's a nice song and a very old one at that, and well, I love hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it falls... "Heaven's tears" someone calls it.. and I start to wonder. Are they tears of joy, or tears of sadness? Haha.. maybe I think too much. ^_^

Well, God has been so great, and so real this week, that I'm really overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. Not only did He bless me with love, and a broken spirit, He also gave me assurance of my efforts in Him, when the mission trip's planning, DnD planning all made progress, and my grades gave me renewed vigour to press on. Except that I've been procrastinating.. haha..

I haven't been able to really get down to studying these few days, and though I attribute it to Philosophy essay and Sociology term assignment, I know that it's more than just that. But today, during service, where it talked about wisdom and intelligence, somehow or rather, I just know that God as speaking to me. And when I responded to altar call, and my own cell leader came to pray for me, I knew what I have to do. And it's FULL INTENSIVE MUGGING!! Hahaha.. oooh, I like that.

Recently rekindled some stagnant friendships, and the feelings are good nonetheless... and I also came to a harsh realisaton about a couple of facts also. It's really interesting, sometimes... how God's plan works, but I can also sense that His time and His plan is beautiful. And truth be told, I'm really really thankful that Rachel brought me to church, and I got saved. God has been so real to me, and I just don't know how to thank Him for all the grace He has given me.

Special thanks has to go out to Jacob. Haha.. of late, we've been having so many interesting conversations, that I'm finding myself more relaxed and happy. Hahaa.. of course, and Deepak.. for all the Linear Algebra funness... and Zhiyuan... the dude who always gives me an honest perspective about things. Of course, thank Pila for all her nice nice songs, and KrisK for hearing me rant about some stuff.. haha.. thanks guys!!

Dear Mandy,

Yeah, I've kinda disappeared for a good month plus, but the truth is, I haven't really been having any inspiration of late to do any blogging. But after doing so much linear algebra, and still uncertain of how well I'll do for the mid term tests, I'm seriously dying out. Haha... what can I say? Hmm... this is Week 8 of uni.. and here's some of my views!

1) No matter how hardworking you are, the workload never stops piling up, and it's a never ending flow of tutorials, readings, lectures, projects and essays... and when you have a mid term test, you make a huge sacrifice of studying for the mid term test, and neglect your daily routine of lectures and tutorials, and when your mid term test is over, your workload and the amount of catching up to go for indefinitely doubles, and you find yourself suffocated by the amount of work you have to do to catch up. Even as I take this 1hr break from my linear algebra revision, I'm mentally counting the number of readings, tutorials and webcast lectures I have to catch up on. If it helps, of my entire Sociology course book, I've only read 1 out of 10 readings. Each reading is about 15 pages... I rest my case.

2) Next, it doesn't mean that the more hardworking you are, the more definite you will do well for your exams and essays. I mean, objectively speaking, if we are to really be on par, then oh gosh... we'd have to survive with like 4 to 5 hours of sleep each night, give up going out too often, and give up your personal time to actually be able to keep up to mark with all that's going on, and to have extra time to do extra revision so you can ensure that you retain everything that you have learnt, and can apply them when the time comes.

3) Uni is hard to adapt to, given that the pace is crazier than JC, and the diversity of everything is WHOA!!!! Hahaha... I'm trying hard to find similarities between all the modules, but all 5 are rather diverse, and well, so much in depth that it really makes JC pale in comparison. Whoever said that Uni isn't as stressful as JC? I'm aiming for a good CAP score of abt 4.0, and well, to look at it that way, and my recent English test of 18/30, I need to work even harder than I am now...

Well, those are the 3 main views that I have at the moment, and well, if anybody disagrees, I welcome the disagreements. Of course, I have had moments of inspiration, and moments of dissipation... but hey... that's life, isn't it? And I think God gave each of us our own set of challenges, aspirations and expectations to hit, and I do believe that if God leads us to it, He will lead us through it. He will make a way, when there seems to be no way. Amen!

I need a breather, and after this mid term tests are over, I will go for a nice long run. Hahaha... I miss running... and of course, I miss the times in VJC where we'd have all those long, nice chats about nothing in general. Or sitting at the Council stairs, sitting by the swings, and the endless bouts of Polar Bear. Hahaha... memories won't fade away? But time doesn't wait for us... it always moves on, and that's the irony of time. Time can come to a standstill in nostalgia, yet moves doubly fast when the nostalgia ends.

Thank God though, for His presence and His love... that sweeps over me to tide me through rough times. I'm constantly reminded of His promises to me, like how during service yesterday, Joel prayed for me, using the example of the Samarian woman... and I really felt God's words through Joel hitting me hard.

And of course, there's Rainie... things between us have mellowed down, indefinitely... cause both of us are busy with exams and our own stressful academic lives, and she'll be going to Shanghai this coming Thursday. Will I miss her? Yeah, I will, because despite the mellowing of emotions, she's still by and large, a very important part of my life. She's still my motivation at times, and I do realise that when I get depressed, she's still the first few people I think of, and the one I would really like to turn to.

Well, back to Linear Algebra! :)

ON BENDED KNEE - BOYZ II MEN

Darling I, I can't explain,Where did we lose our love,
'Girl it's driving me insane.
And I know I just need one more chance,
To prove my love to you.
And if you come back to me,I'll guarantee,
That I'll never let you go.

CHORUS:
Can we go back to the days
Our love was strong.
Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong.
Can somebody tell me How to get things back,
The way they used to be.
Oh God, give me the reason,
I'm down on bended knee.

B-SECTION:
I'll never walk again,
Until you come back to me,
I'm down on bended knee.

So many nights I dream of you.
Holding my pillow tight I know,
That I don't need to be alone.
When I open up my eyes,
To face reality,
Every moment without you,
It seems like eternity.
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me.

REPEAT CHORUS.

MIKE:Baby, I'm sorry,
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I'm sorry I let you down.
Please forgive me.

I'm gonna swallow my pride,Say I'm sorry,
Stop pointing fingers, The blame is on me.
I want a new life,And I want it with you.
If you feel the same,Don't ever let it go.
You gotta believe in the spirit of love,
It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more.
No I don't believe our love's terminal.
I'm down on my knees,Begging you please,
Come home.

REPEAT CHORUS TWICE.
REPEAT BRIDGE.

Wanna build a new life,
Just you and me.
Gonna make you my wife,
Raise a family.

REPEAT BRIDGE.

This song is one of my personal favourite... it's a song that's sad, impactful, and yet those kind of slow ballads that are way up my alley. Hmm... well... this song can describe my feeling at the moment also... things now are rather confusing, complicated... and as I struggle to find my footing and my place, I find myself constantly being swept from under my feet...

Of late, I started to think about some things, and I realised that the stress is really accumulating. Not only do I have to balance my studies and projects, I now have to handle the DnD, as well as my pending reservist dates... Am I worried? Yeah, I don't deny it.. And yet, I find myself unwilling to tell people about these stress... I just take it all upon myself, clam up, and try to swim my way through a river fraught with obstacles. Might as well just shoot myself while I'm at it, because I seriously don't know where else to go or what else to do.

Arrows, trust, reliability, responsibility... I know I am all those, and capable of taking on much more... but some people don't seem to understand it when I say I really want to take a break from being the guy who's always at the forefront, leading the charge. I really have enjoyed being that silent guy in uni thus far... the one who just keeps to himself, minding his own business, and not worrying about having to face the scores of expectations people set upon you just because you are this guy that everyone knows.

I guess it's at this point i have to say that one reason why I'm hung on as long as I have is cause of God's grace, my motivation, support and inspiration in Rainie, and that group of close friends I have who never let me fall too far...

"You gotta believe in the spirit of love, It will heal all things,Won't hurt any more." This line stands out so much in the song I posted... I really believe that love can heal all things, and time heals all wounds. I really do.. And that's why I believe that tears aren't weakness... I believe tears are emotions, tears are expressions.. tears are only human. You cry when you're happy, you cry when you're sad, you cry when you're afraid, you cry when you're lonely and by yourself... and most importantly... you cry because you're strong enough to admit that sometimes you need a good cry, a warm hug and the presence of someone you love to give you that security that everything is going to be alright.

And... well... I guess that right now... I need just that...

Dear Mandy,

I went back to VJC to study today, and truth being told... it felt like old days... I won't say I was very productive... but I did manage to complete the tutorial for Linear Algebra I, which wasn't by any chance easy.. and I got started on my tutorial for EL 1101E, and had fun with Zhiyuan and Meng Siong in our chats.

I kinda wished I had more time to study and everything, but I guess I'm thankful for what I managed to complete. I'm actually looking forward to longer studying hours in a conducive environment... wherever it may be... be it at VJC, sometimes at home, with Rainie... well, really, the sense of completing an assignment or a reading really can be quite euphoric. It's weird... haha... an adrenaline rush from readings... never thought I'd say that in my life.

Had to rush off to Andrew's birthday party after that, and truth be told, I love his singing. His voice is so deep and so mellow that I really lost myself in it... THen there were the speeches by people about him... about what a good friend he has been, or the things that he has done that makes him so special, and indeed, I found myself quite enthralled by the ongoing speeches, and along the way, I started wondering what people would say about me. Haha... it's kinda weird, but I brushed the notion aside quickly, because I am pretty content with life thus far... well, the key word being pretty.

I trust God with what's going on in my life... but I do wish that Rainie was back in my life. Things between us of late haven't been the very smooth sailing... it suddenly occurred to me by and large, what has been causing rifts in our relationship have been mostly external factors. Though I'm not keen to say what external factors, but we have let what has been going on affect us... it's quite weird, to say the least.. but I sense that we have been shortchanged in our relationship. I myself haven't been the most secure in that knowledge either, and I'm gradually learning... though slow, but gradually.

But thanks be to God... for He always provides, and the affirmation that I received both from Him and Rainie give me the strength that I need to carry on strongly... I trust in God... and I believe in Rainie... :)

Dawn breaks... :)

Dear Mandy,

And oft it seems that the likes of time are simply a test of reality. Understand what I just typed, well, neither do I. I'm typing gibberish, and it feels like just the right thing to do.

I'm kinda lost... Lost in the frails and demands of university, lost in my own thoughts... and lost in the happenings around me. I'm just simply lost. I'm trying to cope with the everyday hassles of life, and yet, find myself seriously wanting. I've got to try to refind the me that I once was... because even I myself have realised that I'm losing that gentle, sensitive side of me... Perhaps I'm finding that it's better to protect yourself in a sense, because I don't really know most of the people that I'm going for lectures or the soon to take place tutorials. But I don't want to lose that soft, sensitive and understanding side of me in this plethora of growing up problems.

I can't seem to fathom the right words to say at the right times, and I cannot seem to hide my emotions as well as I used to...

Hmmm... perhaps I've been taking too much on for my own good? I have absolutely no idea... but studying sociology has been interestingly fun, and it did give me new insights when I went through the textbook just now... I can definitely relate to the part whereby it says that "They cannot cope with their personal troubles in such a way as to control the structural transformations that usually lie behind them."

Isn't it quite so true? I mean, how often has it that we face problems because of what society seems to deem as what the normal, average person should obtain? Or how we're completely bound by the rules that society throws at us? It really did open up my views about the whole thing, and well, so far, it hasn't changed my perspective much, but I'm pretty certain that in due time, it will.

After all is said and done... I guess I have to trust that God will be there for me, and that He will make a way. We all go through our tough times in life... but I believe God will bring us through it all. I just have to remain prayerful, and seek Him in times of need.

I have to say thank you to JoAan, Dommy, Sharon Tey, Sabrina, Jacob and Zhiyuan... for being there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. :)

And I have to say thank you to Rainie.. for being my motivation, inspiration.. I'm sorry of late I've been quite not the same... but I'll be back.. this i promise. Forgive me...

Dear Mandy,

"To be or not to be, that is the question." I guess this is an awfully famous quote that philosophers always use. Today marks the end of my first week in university, and truth be told, it's been quite tiring, to say the least. Though I did enjoy a couple of my university lectures, there were some that leave me worried, and a bit apprehensive about how well I'm going to do in uni.

I enjoyed my Philosophy, Sociology and English lectures, and though my China Film studies and math lecturers leave much to be desired, I think that I can do well if I put in effort and keep up with my readings, and my tutorials. It's time to be a different person... to be a hardworking mugger, and stop being involved in too many activities for my own good.

That being said.. a lot of people have sensed the change in my personality... where once I was the world's most sociable idiot, I've become a reserved chap whose sole purpose is to study hard and make it. And a lot of people have been even surprised at my change, but I realised that I kinda like being this way. Low profile, relatively unknown, and not being watched by everyone. It's nice to not have to shoulder the responsibility of answering to the demands of the social world, and to sit quietly and observe the world go by. Though I'm still the same spunky, crazy guy to my close friends, they too can sense my desire to become a deep, contemplative individual.

Of late, it seems everyone has been having a lot of personal problems to handle.. just want to say "Jiayou" to everyone, and there will be a brighter day. Hang in there, and if you have to, cry... I've learnt that tears are not a sign of weakness, but emotions... and it takes more courage to cry than to be strong. I believe that, i really do.

Rainie... thank you... for everything. You're still my inspiration, my pillar of support, and I'm thankful that you're in my life... I miss you...

Dear Mandy,

"Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,

No birth, identity, form - no object of the world,

Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;...

The body, sluggish, aged, cold - the embers left from earlier fires,

... shall duly flame again;'

-Walt Whitman

Loss is something that we all have to deal with someday. But these words that Walt Whitman wrote in his book of poems entitled "Leaves of Grass" make me feel that loss is always a learning lesson for something. "Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost" is so so true. I guess sometimes, we always forget that even if physically, someone is gone away from us, departed the planet to another paradise, he or she always has a special place in our hearts. And in that safe haven of our hearts, he or she comes alive in our memories, is remembered in our words, and is renunciated in our actions.

Abt Rainie? I shall use poetry again:

"I ne'er was struck before that hour

With love so sudden and sweet,

Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower

And stole my heart away complete."
- Anonymous

I don't really know who wrote that, so I'll just put anonymous. But it is quite sweet, the 4 little lines that describe the moment whereby you realise you're actually in love. It's a sweet, tender emotion. The first week of the 4 have just went by, but truth be told, it feels like an eternity since those 7 days went by, and there just seems to be 3 more to go.

I was watching 7th Heaven Season 2, and surprisingly 2/3 of the episodes I watched talked about loss in some way. Be it when Lucy's friend died in a car accident, or the announcement of the pending departure of Matt to an out-of-state university, some of the things that the Camden family said to each other, made me tear, for I was thinking about Rainie. But then again... what Wilson told Lucy stayed with me a bit... Here's how the conversation went:

Lucy: You said a member of the club?

Wilson: I meant the club that nobody wants to be in? The one where you lose someone you love and become an unwilling member. You're in it whether you want to be or not.

Lucy: I kind of thought that's what you meant. Because that's how I feel. Like I'm not like other people anymore. They want to help, they say they know. But they don't... not really.

Wilson: Look Lucy, I've been having a hard time lately. On prom night, I kinda realised that I like Mary, but I don't want to tell her.

Lucy: Why?

Wilson: Because I'm afraid of us getting too close. I'm afraid if I get close to her, she'll die.

Lucy: That's so weird. I feel the same way. Like everyone I know is 1 second away from leaving the planet... Me included. And you know, for the first time, I realise that I want to do something while I'm here. I mean, I must have been left for some reason. God must have some purpose for me to be living, if not, why was I not in that car?

Wilson: Right after my wife died, I felt the same way... why didn't I die? Why her? That was so unfair. I wanted to do something purposeful with my life. You can too, by being a great sister, a great daughter, and a good friend.

The rest of the story is kinda long, but the main gist of it all is that, when there was loss, they both felt the same urge to do something purposeful with their lives. Though the loss that they felt was a far greater loss - death, loss is essentially still pretty much the same. WHen you lose someone important to you, you lose a part of yourself, and that pretty much kills you. Some people may say that "It was meant to be", others just say things like "This really sucks!", but more often than not, people don't say out what they really feel, because they don't know if anybody else will understand exactly what it is they're going through. And that inwardly, they actually are glad to be alive, and yet, moving on is the hardest part of it all.

In another episode, there were 2 incidents that touched me greatly.This little girl, Sarah lives with her alcoholic father. THe Camdens helped restore the trailer's electricity, water and plumbing, and even furnished the trailer that it looked like home. However, it meant that his daughter had to stay with his mother or a foster home. The father, Joe, loves his daughter to bits, and vice versa. And he didn't want to give her up, but his condition would prompt social services and the police department to step in. And Joe was quite distraught, but Rev Camden said that if he really loved Sarah, he would do the right thing, as hard as it is. And Joe, for the love of his daughter, let Sarah go with his mother, so that he could be in a better shape to get over his alcoholism. And when he was sober, he would get Sarah back.

The Camden siblings then put together a thanksgiving for their parents, to thank them for having done such a good job raising them up, only to have Matt announce that he was going to an out-of-state university to study. Rev Camden then said that Matt had decided that he wanted to go away, and Annie said that though they'll miss him, but they want him to be happy, and so, it was time for him to leave the nest.

And yet, the most impactful statement that really really hit me came from Simon when he said "If you love someone, you have to let them go. And I love Sarah, and as hard as it is, it's best if she goes with her grandmother."

Someone once told me "If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. They may be happier in greener pastures." And these days, I believe that God has been leading me to slowly, but surely, be comfortable in trusting Him that He will make all things beautiful in His time. It's amazing how He works, and truth be told, I am learning how to trust Rainie more and more. Though I still know not how to show her that I trust her, and that I have done it the wrong way and using the wrong words, but I believe God's plan for us is beautiful.

At the end of this 1 month, whatever answer that Rainie gives, I will accept and respect her decision. But it won't ever change the fact that I'm still going to try my best to be her best friend, and I want to still be there for her in every aspect possible. So, that's the only promise that I can make. If I do get a 2nd chance, I will cherish and do my best to make it work with unconditional love and unconditional trust.

God bless all of you who read this article, for God has been so good to me, and I believe that He wants to bless all of us. I love Rainie, and I will let God take the wheel of my life, and let Him plan my journey for me. :)

Dear Mandy,

To put it mildly.. I miss Rainie.

I made a stupid mistake of doubting her and not trusting her enough, and well, now, we're on this one month "back to best friends" thing before we eventually re-evaluate whether or not we will take that step forward to going steady. I really wish I could turn back time, and take back whatever I had said that night... because I really am finding it difficult to cope without her presence around.

These last 3 days have been frought with tears at most weird moments, that deep, aching in the heart, that solitude, the heart-wrenching feeling of loneliness... it's all kind of difficult to surmise in words just how painful the feeling actually is. Without Rainie around... everything just doesn't seem to be as nice...

I guess the old saying of "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone" can technically be used here. I haven't lost Rainie yet... and I intend to make the most of this 1 month to regain her trust in me... I believe that she still has feelings for me... I just have to make sure that they grow stronger in this month, and that I myself get over that insecurity that she's going to leave me.. because I know now, that when she committed herself to me, her heart only belongs to me. I was daft not to see that... and this time around... if she gives me a second chance, I really am going to trust her, and fully appreciate this chance.

I pray that God will give me a 2nd chance in this relationship as well... that the things I do will find favour with Rainie, and eventually bring us both back together.

Rainie... if you do come by here... I miss you. I miss everything about you... I love you. I really do.

Dear Mandy,

Ecclesiastes 3:10-11
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Where life suddenly became a very emotional journey for myself, I'm brought once again back to the foot of the cross. What do I mean? Well... let's see..

To say that after working so much in society, I've become rather jaded with all the hidden facets of working life that people always never say about. The politics, the ironies, the system that threatens to destroy the passion that people joined the particular profession for. Ultimately the fact that we are all just human never fails to sink into this particular part of reality. How oft it has been that the innocent, naive outlook on the world just seems to sink back into a deep, bottomless pit that leaves us groping in amazement at the wonder of how dark the world really is.

Sure... we find along the way moments of joy, and moments that serve to let us remember the passion that we joined our profession for. And yet... I'm beginning to realise that it's difficult for passion to sustain when there're so many factors that threaten to stifle that passion, and put an end to creativity and innovation. In a sense, Pastor was right when he said today in SOL that Singaporean minds have been programmed to always strive to be the best. It isn't until we all get much older that we realise our childhood could have been really sad. Sure, we're thankful that we managed to get such a good education, and even because of it, we're where we are, but it's rather sad when we see that grades are all that matters, and see a gradual loss of mannerisms and charisma that once was predominant in students. And in a sense, this competitive edge that was instilled in us can be what leads us to backstab each other in an attempt to make it, once again, to the top of our respective fields. It becomes a devious, entangled web of deceit and war, which, in all honesty, irks me. Whoever said war had to be fought by the armies when our personal wars are enough?

And then, there're the standards of society that we have to relate to, and the conformities that silently dictate the way we work. It does get draining, but then, things took a twist.

Of the last 2 weeks, the book of Daniel kept being raised up. Both in SOL, in service and even by Rainie. It's been quite amazing, and well, I stopped to think about what God was trying to tell me. And it hit me all at once, when Rev Melvyn was praying for Pastor Eugene today. There's going to be a lot of challenges that are going to rise up, and I need to be courageous, having a pure heart, and the ability to move amongst kings to get through these challenges.

Today during service, they were singing 'Beautiful saviour', and well, I cried. I really didn't want to... but God seemed to convict me, and I fell to my knees and prayed. Praise God, for Joel then knelt beside me, and prayed for me. God seemed to send him Ecclesiastes 3:10-11 to say to me, and Joel told me 3 times before he ended the prayer that God loves me. And I really believed it, and I knew, that yes, God is moving powerfully amongst us.

Today's message was on Abraham, and as I listened, I realised that the 2nd and 3rd point that Rev Melvyn was talking about spoke a lot to me. Walking in step even though we don't understand, and worshipping in sacrifice even when we cannot afford it. The essence of it all was, very simply, until we have obeyed, we will not understand, faith comes from the word of God, and to beieve in God for the impossible and to give back to God the greatest blessings that He has given us.

I responded to altar call... I realised that I needed direction, and well, I just basked in the Lord's presence and His love washed over me. I knew then and there, that God will provide a way out for me, but it's only whether I trust him. I told Joel what happened later, and He told me that God is speaking very powerfully to me, and that I should learn to trust God and His plans for us in all that we do. In God's time, He would make all things beautiful...

Without a doubt, I really thank Rainie for having been there for me. For listening to me tell her the details of what happened in camp, and for being my confidante in times of desolation. I really am thankful to her for having been there for me, and I pray that God will continue to watch over our relationship, and that He would send His angels to protect us. I guess right now, we all just need God...

Praise God for His unconditional love, and all of His blessings!

Dear Mandy,

Well, it's been a while, and where normally I'd blog about my camps, somehow, I feel compelled to blog about something else.

These few days have really been quite draining... emotionally, physically and mentally.. I guess that to run around from place to place after camp really doesn't help in making you feel any more rested...

I think back about my Secondary School, JC and army days, and suddenly realise that I miss those days, all of a sudden. When you become an adult, you suddenly realise that you're pretty much on your own... you have to fend for yourself, increased responsibility, and more often than not, you find yourself in a huge, lonely world of your own, and you miss the days of being in a bunk, or being in school, working with a bunch of dynamic individuals who you had made such a strong bond with.

Be it VSPB, Council or my army buddies, the main fact remains that when you felt troubled, you knew that you could just walk into any of their rooms, or turn to any of them during school, and you know that they're there for you. And we can also end up sharing our fears and our worries together... that's what I guess I was missing. Now, working as a camp instructor, I found back a bit of that open option when we all finally find time after lights out or during wash-up that we sit and try to bond. But the sad fact is, very rarely is it anything more than just friends... there's not much sharing of your inner fears, and more commonly, there sometimes isn't anything more than just working together to get things done.

But I'm quite glad that God blessed me with a wonderful tribe, who's quite supportive of things. But more importantly, I'm very thankful that God blessed me with Rainie, Jacob and ZhiYuan. Jacob and ZhiYuan have been the most influential pillars of support and advice, and have been there for me when I needed guidance in certain things.

But Rainie has been everything to me. She's been my confidante, my secret keeper. The one that I turn to when the sun doesn't seem to shine, and the one that never gives up on me. I share the most with her these days... and I feel that it's not going to be the end. For someone so young, she displays a maturity that belies her age, and that honestly makes me very glad that I have someone like her. Praise God for His blessings and His miracles.... because He gave me one in Rainie...

Dear Mandy...

Well, if I thought Secondary School camps were tiring, I guess that's because I hadn't met Primary School camps... The last 3D2N spent with Hougang Primary for their Primary 5 outdoor adventure camp really gave me a reality check when I realised just how much more patience, energy and resilience was needed.

Not saying that they were a bad bunch of kids, but it was pretty obvious to me that some of the students were pampered, and quite difficult to talk sense to. They stood so firmly by their own decisions that honestly speaking, I felt that explaining things or even telling them things seemed to fall on deaf ears, if the explanations didn't fit what they wanted to hear. I got pretty exasperated at times, and truth be told, I wasn't the only one either.

I was assigned Group 2, which happened to be the best class of the Pri 5s, I think.. and well, we all had our own little problems with each individual group. I wonder if I had handled my group well, actually... I had a guy who had problems differentiating if he was more female or male... a guy who was super stubborn, another guy who always wanted things to go his way, another guy who was quick to put the blame on people... and a whole lot more... that trust me, I'd rather forget than remember.

My best camper for the group was Claudia, who had the most initiative in the group, and was pretty helpful. Truth be told, I sincerely couldn't find a person that really stood out... though for previous camps I could easily point out 2 or 3 individuals who had been outstanding, but for this group, I had to go with who had shown more initiative and benefited the group. In this case, it had to be Claudia... of course, I enjoyed making fun of Marilyn, the group's "Meh Meh", and was pretty impressed by Sharlene and Alison's calm, composed manner when it came to clearing the abseil station. Of the guys... Ye Heng was pretty nice, and Joshua really knew what he was doing when it came to things. That's about all there is to it.

As June comes to a close, I'm quite looking forward to July... where there'll be lesser camps, and more funny things... OVA Meeting, the holiday to China... and hopefully a break as well.. I can't even get a firm foothold on the events that I have on hand to do, and as I look at it, I seriously feel like I have to plan my time really well. It's all such a huge transition for me... and I do feel apprehensive... 21 years of age, and still not sure of the world and my place in it... and the coming of important, life changing decisions that could possibly shape my path. That's what's scary...

I'm just glad that God is with me... and also glad that He sent Rainie to be a part of my life. I really love the times that we both pray together, because it makes me feel like there's 3 people praying... Rainie, me and God... His presence always seems to be near us when we pray together, and it makes me feel really really blessed. :)

Dear Mandy,

And 2 camps with 1.5 days of rest in between is seriously no joke. I now have a very sore throat and a voice that has become very very deep. But I really enjoyed myself...

I took Jurong West Secondary School for my first ever Jalan Bahtera camp from 14 to 16 June, and I was assigned Grp 3, which consisted of half the class of 2E2 2007. I was a bit apprehensive when the whole thing began, being perfectly honest. I mean, I haven't been at Jalan Bahtera since I was in Sec 4, and man... I was quite worried.

THe time spent at JWSS in the morning was pretty fun. It was my first experience with CAMP HA, and seeing how the Major Groups challenged each other with their cheers and everything. My group had 9 girls and 5 guys, including a sec 3 hockey player. My partner was Norvin, and he took the other half of 2E2. And we had a moment of momentary laughter when we tried to learn their school song. It was hilarious to see us learning, even if I do say so myself.

I guess what was the most impacting for myself for my 2E2 DareAngels during the camp was simply that I gave them a lot of nicknames, and my group was awfully close. JoAan became JoAan-nified, YuanNing became Ah Yuan, JiaXin became XiaoXin, Michelle became Mich, Jing Qi became QiQi, and lastly, Charlene had the most! Charmander, Char-manified, Elephant Cat Mouse and CHar. Hahahaha... she almost pengz. Hahah... I guess that for 2E2, their campfire item was very adventurous. It was something different, and especially in the case of JoAan, I hope I managed to nurture and encourage a budding and promising young leader.

As camp ended for JWSS, I reflected myself and spent some quiet time with God, and I prayed for each of those DareAngels. Yes, indeed they have dared to challenge themselves, and they have even gone one step further in thinking out of the box, and making the best out of what they have. I was awfully awfully proud of those Sec 2 angels.

Hougang Secondary School had their camp from 18 to 20 June 2007, and they were a different lot to begin with. THe groups were randomly formed with people from all the classes, and they were Sec 3s and 4s. In general, the Hougeans, as they are called, were more mature, and it took a lot more than just being plain childish and rah-rah to get their engines cranked up. Along the way to JBAC, I had to think in the short time span that I had, how I was going to motivate them to break out of their shells.

Well, in all honesty, as time passed by, they slowly broke out of their shells, and by the end of night activity, I found out that my Group 5 Accomplished were not people who responded well to rah-rah, but instead, were individuals seeking insight and reason. I stand corrected, but I feel that my Group 5 (G5) are good kids; they just wished that they were spoken to like adults, and explained to about why certain things were done. And it really inspired me to understand that I am always going to be involved in teaching.

That being said, I started to realise that each and every one of my G5 had a different approach to things, and I started to take my time to try and break through to each of them. The most prominent thing about G5 has to be their maturity and the calmness that they adopt to doing things. I could hardly rush them unless it was really urgent. And well, the unique individuals. They were really a mixed bunch of personalities... the extremely quiet, the enthusiastic, the jokers, and others far between. And I guess for them, it was harder to gel as a unit, as as team. So imagine how proud I felt of them when they all worked together to make things happen as the camp wore on. They continually got closer, and closer.

2 people I was very impressed and proud of had to be Jazreel and Shiny. Jazreel had to be constantly motivated and encouraged to go up and clear the horizontal trapeze. She climbed up halfway then came down... went up again, then crossed to the first line, then backtracked. It took her close to 15 minutes before she attempte to cross the trapeze...and even then, she took quite some time... normally, I'd be a bit edgy, but with Jazreel, God somehow told me that I needed to be patient, and Praise God for His grace as I continued to encourage her non-stop. Jaz lost her footing and slipped in her attempt to reach the 5th rope, but her efforts impressed everyone who were there. For Shiny, it was his daring attempts to overcome his fear of heights to clear the challenge pole. He slipped on his first attempt, and fell head first, and became the joke of the group, but on his 2nd attempt, despite his fear, he cleared it.

As the campfire came, and went, I was very very proud of my G5. They gelled, they were united, they proved their teachers wrong. And as we headed back to school, I spent some quiet time again with God, and prayed for the members of G5. God told me that compared to the first day that they came for camp till the end of camp, they have improved significantly, and they have been an impressive, and promising batch of young adults.

Next camp will be next week, and I return to a Primary School for the camp. Praise God for His shower of blessings!

I haven't been able to spend much time with Rainie these few days, and truth be told, I have missed her... We still managed to sms and chat to each other occasionally, but I miss being able to share things with her face to face. I guess nothing beats talking to someone in person because then, u'd be able to see the true emotions that person is showing. It's more endearing. :)

Well, onwards to the next challenge!

Dear Mandy...

I was just thinking back about a couple of things, and a lot of random thoughts just flowed into my head... and well, some of them came from my own quiet time with God yesterday, and others with recent events.

I guess a lot of times, we ourselves find that we are unable to really understand the things that God has written for us... and many a time, we are crying out to God, asking Him, why? More oft than not, we only find out that it is God's best plan for us, or it is a test of faith in Him, or a challenge that we have to overcome in order to proceed on to the next better plan God has for us.

Once again, someone I hold very dear to me cancelled an outing... it's the 2nd one in as many weeks as well. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed or upset, but when I see people who have not even seen their other halves or best friends for 6 months, or hardly even contacted them for a year, and yet, their relationships still remain very much strong, I am encouraged. And I understand that it's just God's way of testing our relationships, and also, how strong we are in Him. For, as in what Joel told us during our Cell on Boy Meets Girl, if two people in a friendship or relationship have a very strong covenant with God, then they won't ever be too far apart from each other, because they find their strength, and their solace in God.

Yesterday, as I was doing my quiet time with God, I was reading Romans Chapter 12, and I came across these verses:

Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere."

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Romans 12:14-16 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited."

And well, I kinda just felt very much at ease with the world in general. God has been so great, and He has really blessed me abundantly. He blessed me with Rainie, He has been protecting me, and He has led me through a path that has been uniquely designed for me by Him... I'm running my own race, even as I speak, and for that, I am very thankful. I'm not running another person's race... I'm running mine.

And at the end of it all, I'm brought back to the Bible verse that Rainie and I both love:

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

And I tell myself, that love is by and large the greatest emotion, and the most unconditional concern we can give anybody... :) That is my inspiration for now.

Dear Mandy...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear...

Our presence automatically liberates others."

The essence of this scene only serves to let me know just how much when we shine forth God's light, how we, in turn, give others the opportunity and the liberty to shine forth God's light and be the best that they can be for Jesus, for their loved ones... and for themselves.

How often is it, that we are all consumed by our own fears... and like the "Leap of faith", how afraid we are of stepping out into nothingness. Or how, sometimes, we are just afraid to trust. And when we are afraid of our own power... when we are afraid that we ourselves will get consumed by our own pride, our egos, our... human self esteem or inferiority complexes that will in turn eat at us each and every day... robbing us of our right to shine.

CHildren shine... they really do. Their innocence and naivity makes them the perfect examples for those of us who have lost ourselves in the hectic rush of everyday work. We become... robots where we only remember of our own work.. and neglect that we do need a little light, love, care and concern from those around us. But each step we take to let more of that other someone in, is a stepping stone to emitting our own light in our own worlds.

The question is... are we willing to? Or are we too scared to step forth and shine?

Dear Mandy...

THE JB TRIBE WARRIORS CREED

I am a Warrior

I am a Warrior in the army of GOD.

The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer.

The Holy Bible is my code of conduct.

Faith, Prayer and the Word are my weapons of Warfare.

I have been taught by the Holy Spirit, trained by experience, tried by adversity and tested by fire.

I am a volunteer in this army, and I am enlisted for eternity.

I will either retire in this Army or die in this Army,

but, I will not get out, sell out, be talked out, or pushed out.

I am faithful, reliable, capable, and dependable.

If my God needs me, I am there.

I am a warrior, I am not a baby.

I do not need to be pampered, petter, primed up, pumped up, picked up, or prepper up.

I am a warrior. No one has to call me, remind me, write me, visit me, entice me, or lure me.

I am a warrior, I am not a wimp.

I am in place, saluting my King, obeying His orders,

praising His name, and building His kingdom!

No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy or give me handouts.

I do not need to be cuddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to.

I am committed. I cannot have my feelings hurt bad enough to turn me around.

I cannot be discouraged enough to turn me aside.

I cannot lose enough to cause me to quit.

When Jesus called me into this Army, I had nothing.

If I end up with nothing, I will still come out even, I will win.

My God will supply all my needs, I am more than a conqueror.

I will always triumph. I can do all things through Christ.

Devils cannot defeat me. People cannot disillusion me.

Weather cannot weary me. Sickness cannot stop me.

Battles cannot beat me. Money cannot buy me.

Governments cannot silence me, and hell cannot handle me!

I am a warrior.

Even death cannot destroy me.

I am marching, claiming victory.

I will not give up. I will not turn around.

I am a warrior, marching Heaven bound.

The above was the Warriors Creed for my church tribe, JB TRIBE's annual camp, held from 8 to 10th June 2007. Well, I didn't really agree with the part on "No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy or give me handouts. I do not need to be cuddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to" Hahaha... I'm sure Rainie, and a lot of my friends around can testify to that. Hahaha.. I'd fail that portion in an instant!

But that aside, this camp has been very much one that exceeds my own expectations in what I gained from the camp. I was touched and convicted very much by God, and He showed me things that I myself didn't even know. I went in with a very basic expectations.. to know God more, and to well, bond with the family. I never expected God to literally give me a hand-wrapped gift with a ribbon on top, handed to me on a silver platter!

I was drafted into Escudo, headed by Wei Lin and Vanessa, and joining me under this legion were WeiRong, WeiLiang, Victor, Jin Kang, Sheryl and Yee Leng. We are also known as Escargots, but more affectionately called the chopping board gang. Our shields look like chopping boards, and our cheer was... cute. "CHOP ARH!"

I reached camp at about noon on Friday, and well, the activites were pretty slow... making our shields, and then learning how to use them as well as target practice... Then, everyone started appearing after work, and in no time, we were abt 40 strong. That was when we had our "Leap of Faith". It was quite interesting... it all began with Ps Jim asking us to reflect on our lives, and we did... but after we reflected for about 30 minutes, everyone started being very restless. In particular, Isaac, Andrew, Victor and myself started congregating and chit chatting... then I got called.

I was blindfolded, and U-Jin guided me up the stairs and around corners and corridors... and there was a very very long wait. Somewhere along the path, U-Jin helped me wear a belay harness and a helmet! I got kinda confused about why a harness and helmet were needed, and normally, I'd be panicking by now, but somehow, God seemed to be with me... and beside me, and I felt calm and at peace. U-Jin was also very comforting, and I walked up with faith. And then, they led me out to the roof, and made me climb up first a bench, and then a platform... and asked me to take a step out into nothingness. I had every opportunity to take off the blindfold, or choose not to jump, but U-Jin ended off with "I believe you can do it." So I took a deep breath, stepped out....... and landed on my butt.

I took off the blindfold as instructed then, and realised that i had jumped off a table. Almost immediately, the essence of what I had just did hit me, and Ps Bel told me to go reflect about the experience and write it down... and I didn't know what to write, but suddenly, God seemed to inspire me, as for the first time in a long time... I wrote a poem about an experience...

Trust... that's what it was about.

Faith... that which is all around.

Combined the two in this exercise,

And realise courage increases a mound.

For it is about life.

You trust God and those around you.

You keep the faith.

And firmly believe that they are true.

It was a blindfolded journey;

We knew not what may come.

And yet, we forged on;

A warrior who believes in God to none.

We'll face more challenges,

And we struggle to stay ahead

of life's ever changing curveballs,

and pray we come not to an end dead

And in that moment, we believe.

Is like freefalling without thing,

like stepping out into the unknown,

And searching what life means.

And when you fall safe,

You feel relief, gratitude, joy

And you remember of the faith,

And how it is much like life's toil.

Well, that's that.. after that, we had a short debrief and sharing session. Ps Jim talked about 3 Ws: Wait, Walk and Willingness, before we adjourned for supper. And that closed the first day.

On the 2nd day, we started with quiet time with God, before we went for a morning run... and it was a great feeling... the run together, the chats with Isaac, the motivation... was really quite a good feeling. And then, the short sprint, before we realised we were supposed to play a game for breakfast... it was the equivalent of the chinese game show whereby you have to match word for word and then attempt to link the first syllable of the next food with the last syllable of the previous food. It's called "Shi Zi Lu Kou", and we were given Jwee Kuay (Rice cake) as our first food... and with each food we eat, we have to do a task. First task was to say prayer for the Committee. Then we got Kway Teow Mee... and Mee Soto... and Soya Bean... and fruits... and fruit juice... and seaweed... and vegetable crackers. Our tasks included drinking 1litre of water, blessing someone, exchanging food with another group, doing jumping jacks and sing"If you're happy and you know it" facing the hawker centre. We had fun.

We headed back to school, and went to the AVA theatrette where Ps Bel talked to us about feeling small, and how God loves to use those who are small to achieve that which is big, and used the story of Gideon as an example. She also rebuked us if we belittled people, and ended off by saying that it's not how much we can give that matters, but it's what we can give and how we give it that counts to God. And then, she opened the altar. It took some hesitation, but I went forth, kneeled down. I was actually devoid of emotion, but when Ps Jimmy laid his hand on me, I started sobbing uncontrollably... tears just kept falling down, and I had no idea why. Ps Jim then prayed for me... I remember hearing "A broken and contrite spirit, God will not despise"... and that made me cry even harder... Ps Jim was so tender in his prayer for me... and I really couldn't fathom my tears... It wasn't until after Ps Jim finished praying for me, and I was left there by myself, that God spoke to me... and He told me that I was crying, because I felt that whatever I did was never enough. And I shared that with Ps Jim after I had calmed down considerably, and he told me, and brought me back to Ps Bel's words, especially about the boy who gave up 5 loaves and 2 fish for Jesus to use to feed the 5000. And I felt very much encouraged.

After the word, was lunch, and after lunch we had some time to make our shields before we had station games. It began with a game of charades, before we split. One group goes across the road and tries to act out things for the other group at the other side of the road to guess. It was rather hilarious, and the word "Transformers" was exceptionally hilarious. Hahah.. we all had a good laugh before we headed back to school and we were told to come up with our own group cheer. And, we, the Escudians, came up with a hilarious cheer. We marched in to orders of "Chop", and then Wei Lin would ask us a flurry of questions: "Are you hungry?" "Do you want to eat chicken?" "How about pork?" Of which we'd all scream "Chop arh!". Then Wei Lin would ask "How about chilli?" and we responded with "Chop Chilli Chop Chilli Chop Chop Chop!". Then we gathered and placed our shields together, screaming "Escudo..... CHOP ARH!" Hahaha... quite funny. We won the best cheer competition, as well as the "Shi Zi Lu Kou." Hahah.. Escudo rocks!

After that, we had station games, and it was pretty fun. We started off with a game whereby we could only have the stated feet and hands on the floor, and we ended up being in push up position, and all sorts of funny positions... haha... and then, we had this game whereby we had to use cardboard to move from one position to another, and a game called minefield, and ended off with this interesting game involving string and knots. Ohhh... we had fun, definitely...

After that, we had Ps Jimmy's word... and this time, he spoke about perseverance. We serve a great God, and He wants us to have great hearts to do great work. And Ps Jimmy said that "Great works are not done through strength, but by perseverance." We also sang "I will run to you"which further enhanced the statement "Not by might, not by power, but by the spirit of God." I felt very encouraged by it.

Halfway through a "evaluation", the lights went off, and we found out that a dragon had kidnapped Ps Bel. And we had to save her. So we placed out things back in the bunk, and headed down to Victor Sim, where we had to burst balloons to get a number and do a task. We felt tempted to tackle Vic, cause he said he's not the dragon, but oh well... hahaha... :P We did all the tasks and found out that the dragon lair was the basketball court. On the way there, we were ambushed by water bombs, and we ran there. In the commotion, we started stealing water bombs and promptly had to be stopped and briefed. Well, not briefed... but more like interrogated by dragons, and we tried to save Ps Bel. The proceedings took a little long though, and the game had to be cut short, and we mummified 4 people... Sheryl, Isaac, Alicia and one more person I cannot remember who. And we had to protect them from water bombs thrown by the dragons, and eh... PS Jim, YongHua, Clarence, U-Jin and Victor Sim... the dragons were Yan Xi, Yuen Shin and Felicia. Hahaha... by the first round, the mummies were all de-mummified, and we spent the next 7 rounds just getting bombed and retaliating. It was fun. We had a debriefing after that, and supper, before we did some cleaning up, and we adjourned for the night.

The next morning was a mad rush... we had to bring our stuff to the music room, and then we did area cleaning, while me and Yuen Shin helped the auntie to pack food. It was a rushed morning, and by the time the cleaning was done, by God's grace, the food was also ready! Haha... so we had breakfast followed by a closing fellowship service in the music room... Ps Jim and Ps Bel prayed for all of us individually, and Ps Jim's prayer for me was really touching. I felt so blessed at the end of the camp, and I sat beside Wei Lin for a while before both of us prayed for Wei Liang. Actually is Wei Lin prayed for Wei Liang... I gave him a hug after that, and he felt better. Then I went to Weirong for a while.. before Andrew, Sanjee and me gathered together, and assaulted Isaac with a hug. Then, we all sat and talked for a while. I think our cell bonded significantly!

Camp ended with us boarding the bus, heading for Expo... but as the bus slowly pulled out of GMPS... I looked back, and know that God touched each and every one of us in His own special way. We were warriors for God now, refreshed in His love, renewed in His heart, and ready to shine forth His light in our conquest for victory. We have our races to run... and we shall run it with renewed vigour. Glory to God!

Dear Mandy,

A moment to remember

This is a VERY SAD CLIP!!! I have the VCD, and I cried... it is a very very touching movie that speaks volumes about unconditional love... seriously feel that this movie was filmed very well. :) Enjoy it!

Dear Mandy,

Well... I finished running the World Harmony Run yesterday, and goodness... 25km without training is seriously no joke. The run was quite fun, in itself. We went to a lot of religious places, though I would have loved very much to have had stopped at a church, but because the churches were all having their sunday services, so there were no Church stops. Though a bit sad, but the run was an experience not to be forgotten. We all ran at a pace of about... 1km in 7 to 9 minutes, and we all ran together.

We stopped at 2 mosques, 1 Buddhist temple, 1 Sikh Temple, 1 Hindu Temple, before we ended off at the merlion park at Raffles Place there... Halfway... from the 4th to the 5th stop, which is between clocking about 16 to 17km that time, my left knee started hurting quite badly. It was an old injury that started from... I think was AHM last year that this problem came about... haha... think my knee can only accommodate a distance of up to 18km. Hahahahaha... sad.... and now, I'm starting to wonder about the Standard Chartered Marathon of 42km come end of the year... haha... but, I'll trust in God.

The main fact is... I hardly trained.. I clocked 4.5km prior to the WHR, and before I ran off, I prayed to God... for strength, to see me through the 23km. I managed to cover about 21km, minus off the 2 km that I spent on the bus nursing my knee... and I feel that it really was quite a good haul, considering the lack of training... haha...

Was quite glad I ran this with ZhiYuan also... we had really interesting conversations along the way, and well, it was nice having someone who cared enought to slow down his pace for a struggling, and limping runner like me. Hahaa... Thanks bro... and yes... I will run more often with you.

Arhz... feel like I;m really becoming quite complacent. This break has really become a break. Hahaha... a break from EVERYTHING ELSE! hahah.. quite content to just bum around and everything, and waiting for CAMP HA to call me for my next camp... other than that, I just honestly am enjoying this break, but sometimes, the fact that I'm bumming around just totally makes me feel weird. I'm just too used to working already. Hahaha... I'll probably have to find something to do... like finish reading my books (i still got 3 books to finish...)... or go run more (Then i remembered JB Tribe's 7 000km challenge)... or go hang out with friends more... but the last one, I thought about it, and realised that there really are only a few friends I'd love to do that with... Rainie and Corina.. Jacob, Joel, Edrei, Sanjay, Sanjiv... JB Tribe... Gayne... Certain 20th girls and certain VJC girls... Zhiyuan... yeah! Hahhaa.. that's about it... I think after all that I've been through, I'm just content with a small group of close friends. Hahaha...

The friendship between Rainie and me has developed well... I really am thankful to God for having blessed us in this progressive development... haha.. so much has happened, and they've all been pretty good. We've also started to have our disagreements also... but somehow, they have turned out pretty ok. It's really quite amazing. Hahah...

Life so far, has really been good... I'm glad. :)

Dear Mandy...

Well... I completed my first camp for CAMP HA on Tuesday... a maths enrichment camp for the P3 and P4 students of Huamin Primary... and well, I really experienced quite a fair bit, and came to a realisation about others.

The P3s were harder to handle as compared to the P4s, but I had fun with both levels anyway... I got the best class of P3 for day 1, and what was supposed to be the worse class of the P4s for day 2. Amazingly, though the activities for both days were the same, the level of maturity and the creativity of the P4s really surprised me. THe P3s spontaneity and dynamicisim also left me quite impressed...

However, I came to a realisation also of how increasingly pampered the younger generation have become. Though they did well in this day camp... but if I were to convert it into a more rugged camp.. I think that majority of them wouldn't have lasted this well...But that aside... i could also see why certain people behave they way they do in secondary school... it's because it was built up from primary school.. and it gave me this cold truth, that it may even be stemmed from kindergarten, or much younger... to these kids, it could be a means of survival.. being rebellious, being defiant... or it could be a result of being overly pampered... that they expect things to always go their way. I didn't know whether or not i should be worried for the future generations, but i do believe there is cause for concern. Has our system produced people who only care about academic excellence that they neglect about personal development? ONe can only wonder... but I do hope I'm wrong.

In any case, my P3 group got overall 1st and my P4 group got overall 2nd, missing out on getting first by 10 points. I was so so proud of my groups. Hahaha... I walked away with a very fulfilling experience...

That being said... I was re-watching this movie, "Gridiron gang", and I really felt inspired to do more for the students who stepped to the wrong side. Well, for Singapore, it means the people who have attitude problems, who are defiant, who are violent... though in America, it's the people who kill, who rob, who steal, etc etc... but in the Singaporean context in schools, it's trying to motivate people to study. But then, i stopped short, when i thought "Would I be stifling the creativity and potential of these students?" Because looking at it, they are the people who don't want to conform to an elitist education system where the only thing that matters mostly, are results, performance and achievements. It's become a rather jaded system that everyone has to rethink about. Of course, let's not forget the fact that small fry like us can only air our views privately, so I'd have to stop short here... but I really feel a need to re-evaluate our direction, and what is it that we really want out of our students.

I discussed a lot of things with Rainie yesterday, and came to understand a lot of truths. Well, our friendship really is developing well... in the short span of close to 1.5 months, we;ve grown to understand each other pretty good. And in the retrospect of social pressure and everything... I still believe that if it's in God's will, He will make a way for us. Of course, on our end, we have to be faithful and prayerful, but I am committing this relationship into God' hands, and praying for the best.

Both of us belong to a "Slide-phone family" which also involves Corina and Chuen Heng. Hahaha... quite funny actually.. Corina calls me daddy, so she's my daughter, and CHuen Heng calls Rainie mommy... so he's Rainie's son. But in truth, we are, what i used to call the Mugger 4. Hahaha... the 4 of us used to be the ones in ITR studying for mid years... and we grew to develop our SPF (Slide-phone family) courtesy of Corina. Hahaha.. we all also have our own individual traits... Rainie's the bo chup one, I'm the most childish, Corina is the blur one and Chuen Heng's the toot one. Hee... so funny. :P

Well, I think that life at the moment is really great... I'm really really quite happy about things, and looking forward to more to come. Praise God for His love and grace!