Dear Mandy...

It's now CNY... how fast time has flown... I'm already close to 2 months in 30SCE... It really felt pretty surreal... u know... about how I'm supposed to be already ingrained into the lifestyle of 30 SCE, to know pretty much what I'm supposed to know, and yet... I'm still trying... you know? There's still DOO duties to be familiar with... and there's still so many up and coming events, including my IPPT and SOC to clear, that I honestly feel like there's so much more I need to do to make myself more proficient... I'll keep trying. :)

On a separate note... I really need to re find my place in almost everywhere... What do I want to be, and what do I want to achieve? It's been so long since I've last contemplated that thought... I feel... as I always say... like a great big pea rattling around in a pan with other peas, not knowing where I belong of fit in... yeah. That pretty sums up my feelings... haha... oh don't get me wrong, I may be afraid of faulting or not making things happen, but I am still thankful for the challenges.

Life is funny sometimes... and yes, I'm beginning to just like this line in the Sonnets: The sun itself sees not till the heavens clear... if you people know what I'm talking about.. :)

Dear Mandy...

Have you ever felt like you're not good enough for somebody? I feel that all the time... It's not really so much if I'm a good friend or not, I think I make an above average friend... It's whether I'm good enough for the girl of my dreams...

I'm not saying I have someone in mind... it's just... I've never seen myself as being a perfect boyfriend for my special someone. I have my flaws... and it's not something I'm proud to say I have... I'd like, very much, to be that sweet, loving, wonderful boyfriend that all the girls that are happily attached say about their boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't live up to the expectations of my special someone... I try... so so hard sometimes... but it's not always enough...

You know? I want to always be there for my special someone... to be able to protect her from harm and the harsh realities of the world... to be her strength, her support... to be her superman? Haha... that's a literal term... but I'm not all that. How can I be? I'm restricted... I'm a workaholic... I'm so much contradicting what I want to be for my special someone... I don't even know if I have the courage to tell my special someone that I feel something more than just friends towards her...

Haha... 4 failed relationships, and I place the blame on myself, because if I had been able to do more, perhaps it wouldn't be 4 failed relationships, but one wonderful, meaningful one... I'm afraid I've lost the capacity to take that kind of pain anymore, u know? It's to the extent that... well... I'm just happy to... to be seen and not overseen? As in... that as long as she's happy, and she's still in contact with me... I guess I'll be happy for her as well... Maybe I won't even want to get attached anymore... because... I'm not certain I can bring my special someone happiness anymore...

It's just a few thoughts that went through me when I watched "Sweet November" and "A Cinderella story"... it just sets me thinking, you know?

Dear Mandy...

It's the long CNY break now, and I could really use the breather... haha... everyone's busy this time of year. Be it school, or army... things are pretty hectic around this time.

The new applications for the VJC 23rd SC have came in... and so are the Musicfest forms! Haha... everything's picking up once again, and pretty soon, it's going to be the match support season! I can't wait to go down to the matches that are coming up! To cheer, and revel in the supporting phase... SO MUCH FUN!!!

Haha... alright... got nothing else to say le... will write more when I'm in the mood...

Dear Mandy...

I'm so touched by a testimonial I just received online...

"Friendship is never an accident. It is always the result of high intentions, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution. It represents the wise choice of many alternatives. This guy understood every bit of that and i am thankful to have such a fren... heez..=) Take care ya? Seeya soon!!!"
-Jasmine

It's awfully sweet and simple... yet touching and really really... it's one of my most favourite testimonials by far! Actually...it's easily one of my top 2 most favourite and most meaningful testimonials... Jasmine's and Kristy mei's... :) I'm awfully thankful for them... especially Jasmine's testimonial, cause I've hardly done anything much for her... So... thank you Jas... :)

On a separate note.. CNY is coming... wow... so fast... and then, and then... it'd be Valentine's Day! Haha... I guess it's going to be another lonely day. :)
I love me friends.

Dear Mandy...

I now understand why people are workaholics... I think I'll become one before time... When I'm out of the office, and someone calls me, and it's Army related, I can get all flustered, and wish I was back in the office with all my things around me... and well... it does stop me from thinking about a lot of other things... and I'm definitely more focused...

And yet, it is draining... I am very tired at the end of the day, and it is all I can do before I lie on the bed as one of the earliest people in the bunk to sleep... Haha.. so unlike me right? I find that no matter how many hours of sleep i get.. I'm not rested enough the next day to be fulling awake the entire day in the office... but I digress...

I find joy in going to NTU to find people... friends... haha... and It's nice... really... to be able to find someone non-army related... where for that 2 hours plus, you are just... you... even in Uniform... can u believe? I forget I'm in uniform when I was there! Haha... I almost reverted to myself if it wasn't for the fact that I'm green and the others are not! Haha..

Goshz... I'll end here... haha...

Dear Mandy...

I was in VJC all alone in the Council room when I came across our old SDD file... I sat down, and started flipping through the file, and suddenly, I felt transported back in time, to 2003/2004... to being an active VJC Councillor. And that feeling... that... adrenaline rush! That nostalgia... I almost broke down right there and then... as I thought back on every single event, every single activity that we'd been through together as Councillors of the 20th Students' Council.

It's so sad? That our Council all go our own separate ways... but I do believe... someday, we'll all be back together again... but never a full council. I believe strongly abou that... that someday... :)

Dear Mandy...

Isn't it funny how everything is actually ambiguous, but it all depends on personal opinion to make it seem not ambiguous? Haha... I mean, it's perfectly alright to take a side, but if you look at it, and be neutral about it, you realise that actually, you can see that the truth lies that it can go either way... for every one thing, there is an opposite... I remember Newton's laws of forces... For every force exerted there is an equal and opposite force... try using that in real life... :)

Well, I've been thinking and thinking a lot of late, whenever I am awake, alert and free... about lots and lots of things... and if you ask me... I have absolutely no idea why I'm thinking so much either! Haha... it's weird, but a sort of calm weird cause I'm thinking of things that are related to me.. that may make me a better person, that may make my life slightly better, but I digress. Haha...

I've never felt so miffed before... haha... two good juniors of mine who confirmed the movie of Elizabethtown on thurs, just cancelled it yesterday! So sad!! :( Haha... but nvm... things like this always happen. So, yep! I'm used to it!

I sent my mei off to NYU today, and it was such a huge party there... haha. But I'm sad to see her go.. she's been such a good friend.... :) Haha... I like talking to her... haha..

Alright... that's all for now... may write more later if I start contemplating even more things... haha... so yep. Later!

Dear Mandy...

I'm gradually settling in, but there are my bad days... haha. I mean, so far, I think that I'm doing enough to stay alive, but sometimes, it takes a huge toll on me. I can commit simple mistakes, but hey... I need to learn to be better, and I hope it's a hard way of learning!

Well, actually, I have nothing much to write... just felt like coming here to say what's on my mind. I really wish that there was more I could do... Oh well... I'll try. :)

Dear Mandy...

After some rest, and having sufficiently calmed down, I'm pretty sure that I'm stable now. Thanks to Kalyn, who gave me a huge wake up call yesterday, and my jie, LTA Yee San and Jasmine Chan... Haha... things aren't as bad as they seem... it's perhaps the fear of testing the unknown in the army that holds me back and makes me seem vulnerable. I guess that's probably the case. Thanks also to the people who care a lot for me and are willing to be there for me, I appreciate the gesture. :)

I think that what Shih wrote on her blog is kinda right... I believe I'm partly guilty of that as well... That's probably why I try to keep everything to myself.. haha... or rather, why I complain so much sometimes... Perhaps it's self pity, which isn't that good... Haha... the thoughts in my head are not coherent... neither are they forming logical sentences... My mind is a tad of mumbo jumbo now... :S

Dear Mandy...

Have you ever felt like you're in over your head and you are just bogged down by everything that has suddenly came to clamp you over your head? I'm suffering that now... or rather, everytime something happens. In my new role in 30 SCE, I'm suddenly having to really contemplate everything before I make a decision... the army seems like it's mostly about covering your own ass, which trust me, isn't the way I like it. I used to love being able to forge ahead with a new idea, testing the water, trying it out, which perhaps has rubbed off on me and resulted in myself being less meticulous, and which I think is a good thing with regards to my new job, making me more meticulous.

What I'm really upset about is that I can't seem to do anything right... and I'm getting very unhappy about that... I've committed mistake after mistake, and it's really something I need to curb... it's not that I'm not trying... I am... but sometimes, I just can't seem to get things right, no matter how I try... I'm weary, and tired, and there's so many things to do at one shot.... the last two days... on sat and sun... I slept a total of 10 plus hours excluding at night, because I just felt lethargic, and perhaps also a need to escape the harsh reality of life that has pressurised me into being a workaholic at a computer again... I don't want that! I look at my list of things to do, and I can sense sleepless nights and long hours once again!

It's really pretty lonely when you look at it through my eyes sometimes, and what makes me feel slightly better is the understanding that I get from my own batchmates and the people around me... those that are understanding, that is... It's something that I'm beginning to appreciate, no matter how small the gesture.

And the worst part of it all... I have nobody to talk to about it when I sometimes feel on the brink of breaking down... Apart from Zhiyuan... who understands me in camp, and Anhua, who accommodates my long, lamenting e-mails... but I really am afraid to approach others anymore... they're busy with their own lives, burdened by their own problems... what gives me the RIGHT to add on my troubles to their accumulating scale of stress? Add on the fact that everyone is slowly slipping away... it's another thing that I wish wasn't happening... you know?

Dear Mandy,

Well, initiation is over, and surprisingly, I had fun during field initiation, but i didn't quite like the night and the mess initiation... haha... how shall I put it? Night initiation was purely pointlessly tekkaning la... i mean, waking us up in the middle of the night at midnight to pump and scold us... makes no sense now... and mess initiation is just people asking stupid, redundant questions that we can only get right if we were to guess correctly and lady luck smiled upon us then...

Field initiation was fun because of a few reasons... everyone was crazily enthusiastic... even the Captain and the Lieutenant who joined us Xiao Xiong 30, 2LTs.. haha... covering ourselves with mud, being doused with iced water in push up position, doing SOC with FBO, leopard crawling approximately 100m, caservacing twice... then the STB, and the merlion part... everything was tiring, taxing, but fun and it really bonded us quite a fair bit...

On another note, I was kinda sad I couldn't go to the mass dancing at Suntec City... they played all 6 mass dances for the first time ever! And there was 19th and 20th there... so cool... a lot of them, in fact... and mass dancing! Gosh... how I wished so badly I could be there for that... I miss dancing with my council, I miss dancing with my seniors... and the fact that this is 22nd's O1... sigh... some senior I turned out to be right? Haha... though it's not my fault, but still... haha... oh well... :)

In any case... life now... though still feeling weird and foreign, is slowly showing the light behind the gray clouds. :)

Dear Mandy...

How does it feel when you know that you're on the way back for 4 days of pointless, harsh treatment, all for the sake of something called initiation? I've never liked initiation when it's just for the sake of it... I mean... do you really think that by making us run ragged, waking us up in the middle of the night for stupid things can make us feel more welcome in the Corps? I'd honestly like to see that... Will I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement at having survived the initiation? I mean... you're all rational people... why allow yourself to be stuck in the same vicious cycle over and over again?

I'm feeling lonely and perhaps accustomed to the new, really true quote I saw... "Command is lonely"... I guess OCS sort of rubbed off on me... yesterday's council gathering... I had lots of fun... but I could feel I was more reserved...

I remember Vee saying something about how she wants to cry, but she doesn't want to cry alone.. well... I'm afraid that's how I feel. I'm afraid, apprehensive... and yet I try to be strong. I know that this is something I have to overcome myself... being independent... that's how it's supposed to be, isn't it?

"Sometimes it feels no one understands...
I don't even know why I do the things I do.
When pride fills me up till I can't feel my soul,
will you break down these walls and hold me through?"
- Corrinne May: "Journey"

I'll try to be optimistic.