Dear Mandy...
Ok, so I leave for Crescendo, Thailand this week... am I prepared? I dunno... i can safely say I'm somewhat prepared, but I'm definitely not as confident as I know I should be... perhaps it's because everything is still so ambiguous... or maybe it's because if we fail the mission as appointment holders, we are under the Out of course list... or maybe it's because it's the first time we're working with specialists... I have no idea... Haha... but I believe Crescendo will test me physically and mentally... and I will try my best.

I guess? Personally, I hope Crescendo will give me some of my confidence as an appointment holder (if i get one) back. But my main objective for Crescendo is to do my best, and to help anybody who needs it in my platoon to let them commission... I really don't wish for anybody to be out of course. Especially when some of them are close and capable friends of mine.

I dunno.... recently, my temper and patience is awfully low in camp, but awfully high out of camp. Is it because I'm tired of being someone I'm not? Of having to accept and take a lot of things? I dunno... this week we had rehearsals for the Engineer Training Institute's assumption of command parade, and I'm like in the middle row and also the timer la... and then... I was selected by the sergeant to be the I/C for the last day, also the day of the parade... I was supposed to get the contingent to form up at the form up point by 1115hrs... and by 1114, we were still at the rest point, so i got the contingent to run to the form up point, just to see the instructors are not there, and so I got them to sit down. It spawned so many spiteful remarks from the specialists, and some of the EOCC.... it cut. Things like that... I dunno. I try, and sometimes, things get to me... but thanks to good friends who give me constructive advice. I appreciate it.

I miss 20th, Anhua and other good friends. Spent this week catching up with 3 friends... Maggie, Tryphena and Chiew Mei. It felt... awfully good. Haha... will catch up with u all in due time. Till then, do hold on...

Luv u all lots.

Dear Mandy...

Haha... how shall I begin? I feel like a lost soul floating around in nowhere land... haha... I guess I'll start with the simple things, shall I?

EXERCISE CRESCENDO shall begin somewhere come next week, when we fly on the 31st October 2005. From there on, it's total mission mode, as the moment we touch down in Kanchanaburi, it's no joke, all operationally ready. And this time, we're going along with the Corporals, the specialists to be... it should be fun, and I hope that we can all work together to make Crescendo a fun and memorable experience.

But on a more personal note, I know that I'm not mentally ready for Crescendo. I've been brought through such an emotional roller coaster that I myself don't even want to expect anything anymore... just take it if it comes. I mean, I believed that I'd get an admin appointment in Crescendo, cause after I was stripped from CWC, I've never been given anything more than sect comd and sect 2 IC, and the best was CSM in EXERCISE UNICORN... but I'm not getting any admin appointment in Crescendo. Suddenly thinking if getting stripped of my appointment meant that I'll be black marked for life, or if I've done something wrong in the previous exercises and days that made me not selected, but perhaps I'm thinking too much. What's important is the field appointment, which I should be getting (if not, I'll really be ready to cry), and I'll just do my best.

I'm really quite glad that there are people who appreciate me and accommodate me, but I myself learn that not everyone's like that. Being in SOCE and the Army has definitely made me more vulgar (something that all of us are trying to curb), more tired, less patient, less tolerant... yeahz... I dunno... it also seems like we've been punished, scolded, and endured through so much shit and sweat and toil that we've adopted a heck care, just do it attitude... it's quite sad, actually... cause it made me think back about the council... and how we were actually happy doing all these crazy crazy things. Those days are over for now... and though army does make me morph into someone who reflects a lot on my actions and behaviours cause I'm constantly contradicted and unhappy, but I know that it at least makes me more appreciative of the world outside.

What makes me happy is time spent in VJC every weekend or book-out. I feel so much happier in that place... Studying, chatting with the normal few I've grown so close to... Ngee Leng, Yeowmay, Jing-YI, Santosh, Sumitra, Audrey, and my angel, Min Xuan. I am thankful for this group of juniors who accept me as part of their circle of friends.

20th... u guys are great... haha... Sanjay has been so encouraging, Samuel is me buddy in SOCE (unofficially), and Jellie is well, jellie! Haha... and to the XXth crew who miss everyone else... cheer up... things will be better... once the holidays come, I'll try to organise something... yepz... maybe a BBQ in VJC again, like the one we did for out Council Camp! Haha.. till then, take heart, keep the faith, and love u pple always.

Dear Mandy...

To put it simply... I'm drained. Haha... yeahz... I dunno, I seem to have lost my zest and my will to carry on despite whatever happens to me... haha... I dunno... it was to the extent I felt there was no point carrying on with things the way they are at the present moment.

Today is the first real book out I've had for the past 2 weeks... I never thought I'd see the day... cause had range the last 2 days in which I did really badly and even suffered a major loss of confidence before I told myself to heck it, and just do what I can... haha... total bobo shooter I tell u... haha...

EX UNICORN, the local summary exercise ended just the previous week over the weekend, and what an exercise. I found myself banging pickets and pulling concertina wire and literally falling asleep while hitting pickets, to the extent I almost fell into the con wire... scary... cause we worked from like 8pm non stop until abt 3 am before we got out PPO and set out for live mine arming... u can imagine how tired we all were... and imagine that if I, the ever crazy energizer battery of 20th SC can end up like that... i guess it speaks volumes...

Gosh... I missed VJC openhouse... first time in 4 years... goodness... I was extremely upset... but well, I'm glad I have good friends in SOCE... Timothy, Samuel, ZhiYuan, Ying Yi, Jing Xin and Maureen and EC... haha... nice pple, all of them... I think i successfully formed a VJC foursome in Samuel, me, Timothy and Zhiyuan. I guess I'll never leave VJ... :)

Everyone's no longer attempting to keep in touch... haha... though Siva started something, and I'm attempting to stay in contact with me bez friend from VJC, Anhua, and Kristy K and Gracie thru e-mail...but locally? I shan't comment. I try... or rather, I attempt to do so... and haha... it led me to Meng Siong! Haha... it's at these times u see who really bothers to stay in touch... sometimes...it's the simple things that show a lot.

To me friends... I luv u all in me own special way. :) Don't forget me.