Dear Mandy...

I've successfully completed my EOCC term, and come Monday, I'll be returning to OCS for the final 3 weeks of my term as an Officer Cadet of the SAF. I should be extremely happy and overjoyed, but the truth is, I'm just normal happy, not like, crazily excited...

I've changed, it's true. I went for my platoon interview with my instructor... and after telling him some stuff, he told me somethings... I've become more mature now, and I know a lot about leadership. I see, observe and I understand. But until I've tried out what I understand can I really experience, and well... I can link activities to purpose... I found what he said very true... and I guess it's my fault that I didn't make it to the top 20 names... cause I lost it when I didn't appreciate and hold tight to the opportunity given to me to shine... I'm okay with that I guess? Haha... I'm glad I commission.

But with all that relief and gladness, I know that I'm not as competent as what an Engineer Officer should be, but I believe that life is a learning journey. Where I'm not as proficient, I should aim to improve. Areas where I'm proficient, I should maintain and wherever possible, I should improve on them too. I like the way I place my friends above me. I like the way that I make an effort to do things for them... it's a nice, warm feeling when they reciprocate the help with just a simple thanks and a smile... That's my simple contentment in life I guess??

I make a better friend than a lover. I believe that's very true now... I've seen so much in the last 5 months as an Engineer Officer Cadet... and I know now, I'm not entirely ready to be in a relationship... I love being able to help my friends, and I'm not that able to balance my friends with whoever becomes my steady. It's funny.. but true. And well... I don't know fully how things will work out? Because I find myself putting in lots of effort into each relationship I've been, but somehow, they just don't work out. Sigh... haha... I'll let things go naturally... yeahz... but I guess I need to know what I'm lacking as a steady... Big and huge point to improve on.

I'm more a giver than a taker, but the contrast between the two have sort of diminished cause of the Army. I need to take sometimes to be able to justify my stand, cause after all, a leader in the Army requires that... Trust in people... I don't know... doesn't seem to have changed much. Still as trusting as ever... and well... I can safely say that I'm quite content with life at the present, though not always true in the Army.

To Anhua... thank you for always attempting to keep in contact with me... I really appreciate it. I really miss you... things here seem to be a bit different without you around. There's lots of things I wish I could share with you, but I'll adjust. :)

That's all for now... take care, Mandy.

Dear Mandy...

I'm back from Crescendo, and I believe that my perspectives on things have changed. I saw many things I didn't agree on, learnt a lot and experienced a fair bit in my training stint there... in both Beaver Venture and the assessment exercises.

I learnt that it's not wise to be overly acommodating in the army. This is not VJC... I do not have a warm and caring family called 20th, I do not have friendly and lovely juniors, I do not have accepting and gentle friends to push me forwards. I am on my own. And I know this: I can still be the same caring, open and fatherly person as a friend, but I cannot be the "junior-first" and personal development priority leader. I can only be a commander. I cannot always lead. It's hard to explain this revelation, but I find it very true.

What i believe for in leadership, I guess it's not applicable here... I'm saddened greatly by that fact. It's because I see a relatively screwed up way of leadership by the higher authorities, I see people who blatantly criticise without accepting the reasons given... I see people who take responsibility and abuse it. I see people who refuse to accept they are wrong. And I see people who are not who they claim themselves to be. It's a startling sight, a sad one in truth, and I found myself thinking again and again... is this really the kind of life I really want to live? I guess not...

I became more violent, and more protective of my friends when they are criticised by people who think they know a lot but in truth know little. I became more isolated as I felt better off doing things myself as I know that if anything goes wrong, I don't have to answer to anyone but myself, and if I do so, I won't be bothered by people who use authority to walk over me. I kept everything bottled up somewhere inside, but of late, i explode one time too many. 20th and 21st should know that I try my best not to explode... but do the people in camp know that? Not all.

I can't deny I still have good friends in camp whom I tell lots of things to and we share thoughts easily. Zhiyuan, Timothy, Samuel are my confidantes in there, and there's of course YY. And in Crescendo, they specs that I got close to, Ming Jun and kenneth, and there's also Ben and Edmund. So technically, I'm not alone, but in truth? I still feel lonely in there... Haha... so much for being DTM... I'm probable DTL sometimes. :)

So there's my Crescendo take... please do not tell this around... I don't want people who're not close to me in camp to find out abt this... I can keep up my sanity for a month more, I'm sure of that... do me this favour... k?