Heyz Mandy...
I'm at home now... no, I didn't pon school k... I went to see a doctor yesterday... and she gave me a 2 day mc... she prescribed me as overexhaustion and too stressed, and gave me paracetamol (it's a reknowned medicine) and some minor stress-relief pills. I never for once expected myself to get overexhausted or overly stressed... I never felt those coming... unless I don't know my body well, or else... *sighz* I'm not even bothering to find out if I am.

I wonder if she's thinking of me? I didn't want the Council to discover my absence from school actually, but in the morning, Siva said they had already noticed it... oh well, thanks people. But well, I keep getting this sort of funny feeling that I'm not really blending in with the Council... As in, I don't belong? It sounds really funny, but I feel like nobody in the Council likes me. It's like, they're just acquaintances that sort of thing? I don't really know how to explain it, but these two days are sort of like a breather from school... letting me go through all my thoughts, and hopefull letting me understand better what's going on... I love the Councillors... but if they really don't like me around, then I'll go somewhere else... if it really does come to that stage... I'll tender.

On Monday, we had Council vs ODAC soccer match, and we got thrashed really badly... 7-3. But ODAC, due to a lack in number of people, recruited Mr. Tan Yew Hwee, Mr. Seet Kok Wah and Mr. Peter Wee... they scored 6 out of 7 goals for ODAC. It's not a good reason to say that because they were teachers that's why we lost... If I was more able as a keeper... maybe we wouldn't have lost at all... I'm still feeling remorseful, coz if I had managed to stop the 1st and 3rd goal from happening... then maybe we'd have a morale boost and we'd be able to win... haiz... I'm just basically horrible.

And about her... I really wish I knew what to do... I saw her staring at me... but I know for once... things aren't like what they used to be...

Chi Ching mommy is the best! Yes Mommy, I will work hard... I don't want to let you down, I want to make you proud of me... Yes, I'll dance friendship dance with you during Openhouse... mommy rocks. :)

Okayz, me going off now... had enough lamenting online... take care Mandy... :)

Heyz Mandy... now sitting in Physics lesson, in a computer lab, and I just felt I need to talk to you... feeling really depressed, but not showing that I am... In fact, everyone thinks I'm hyper... Just the way I like it... nobody thinks there's anything wrong with me, but I know that there is...

I was walking to the concourse just now... And then she walked towards me... and then I looked down at my file, just the check that the papers were still there, and wanted to say hi, but when i looked up, she suddenly opened her physics tys and started leafing through it. Then we just brushed past each other as though we didn't even know each other. I'm really really confused. Are we or are we not friends?? She's like a totally distant person now... is it because she still feels uncomfortable around me? Or what? I'm so totally confused and hurt? I really wish I knew...

There's a match against ODAC later... finally, after dunno how long, we can play them... just wann get it over and done with... don't want to prolong it any further... I'm still the default keeper, and well, I dunno... I just wish that she would just say something to encourage me? Haiz... i wanna play basketball... I wanna let out all that darn hurt. Argh!

What do I have to do? Every morning when I wake up, I think of her... and then when I see someone who has the same hairstyle, or even a small resemblance to her, I want to talk to that person... How can i tell her that I don't like what is going on between us now? Please... tell me.... please...

Heyz Mandy...
Been sometime since I last wrote into you... how are you? Me? I'm down in the dumps and somehow or rather, I can't seem to find anyway to extricate myself from it.

She's driving me nuts. Supposed to go to Orchard then, my friend said that if i go along, she'd feel awkward and uncomfortable. So I said that if she does end up going, I won't go. In the end, she didn't go, sO i Went down instead. But well, the main point is... like... she said she wants us to be friends... she doesn't even say hi or bye to me. It's like, I'm non existent? And today, sitting and watching her with her class... I realise that I can't even make her laugh like her friends do...? I really am in a dilemma of what to do! I know that I do like her... but I just... I just... want to stop feeling like crying everytime I get hurt by her or things/words regarding her? Haiz... and things btwn us seem normal, as in, i talk to her more now, and sometimes even walk her to class, but i hear different things from different people? So exactly are we ok or not?

And then, there's so many ohter things. Promos for example. I want to mug, but my body isn't listening, and I can't get myself to. Argh. And I can't blame anyone else but me. So I have to get down to serious work. I've already committed errors for all three practicals, and wel, I can't not wokr hard now.

And well, I'm afraid that I've lost Abby as my best friend. We're drifted really far, and she said that "we're so near yet so far. We can;'t even find time to meet or anything." I guess maybe it's my fault for that happening. Not being able to find time for her... i don't know if things between us will ever go back to the way it was... but i hope that someday, it will.

Council. I'm insecure. I don't feel like i belong in there. I've been isolating myself from the council in the morning... not very good rite? studying at the grandstand... interesting place to be in the morning. U end up clearing ur thoughts sometimes...

But in the midst of all this hectic ruckus and all, I'm really glad that somehow or rather, I have good friends who care for me. Rachel and Anhua... they are so sweet and nice to me... Rachel even typed me a prayer! Let me include it yeahz?

"Father i juz pray for daniel rite now...
i noe tt he's facing lotsa problems in his life now
and tt he feels very frustrated and unhappy
God i juz pray tt you'll help him and see him through this difficult point
i pray that you'll give him concentration when he studies..
and that any fear or insecurities he has durin council times...
i juz pray tt u break it down...tt he'll enjoy himself durin council activities...
i pray tt u look after him and his family..
and that u help him work out how he feels towards her
Thank you God i pray that you bless Daniel and give him strength to last through these trying times
in jesus name i pray amen!!"

Nice rite? Rachel is fantastic. And Anhua is so nice... she is such a good confidante... oh well... I guess that everything will iron out in the end... but for now, I am going to revel in the fact that I have 2 wonderful friends. Friends who can sense I'm not feeling right thru simple sms and online conversations. Thank you both. So much.

Heyz Mandy...

Would like to tell a special someone... Jacqueline Tang... that I miss you, and I hope we're still friends. I don't know what has happened between us, but I just hope nothing's wrong... yeah. So, please tell me if u come by my blog k?

Okayz, the holidays have come to an end, but I wish that it didn't... I want so much to be studying the whole day with the councillors and Bryan... the lunches we had, the jokes we shared... Hui Yi's voice, Joanna's laughter, Grace's hugs, Bryan's music, Edrei's glasses, Law's wasabi peas, Siva's constant disappearances, Zahida's constant appearances... and so much more... it's kinda amazing what memories you can get studying with the Council and close friends... when sch reopens... I hope we can still study together and have lunch... k? :)

Banner painting is another memory... haha... how time flies. I only have 7 mths left of being a Councillor, and I don't know my good friends in Council well! I really want to... know Rachel, Joanna, Stephanie, Samantha, Hui Zhi, Sara, Kristy Koh, Siva, Kaval, Dominique, Hui Yi, Grace, Deepak, Edrei, Zahida, Joel Lee, Sanjay, Samuel, Lynette... so many people... 7 months... haiz time flies... I also want to spend more time with Anhua, my class... argh. 2 Years in JC isn't enough!! I miss everyone so much!

I think Energy's first album rocks! Haha...

Heyz Mandy...

Things between us are back to it's normal routine of not talking to each other. She didn't come for banner painting, neither did she come for general meeting, neither did we talk to each other on Friday, neither does she reply my sms, neither do I dare to call her, and she only replied yesterday when I smsed her that I wasn't feeling well.... and that was only one sms... I really don't know how to feel or how to act around her anymore... Everyone also thinks I should give up... but the truth is, I don't know if I want to or I don't want to... I'm torn into half! Haiz...I'll give myself more time first... no point rushing everything... just take my time, concentrate on promos first and then we'll see how everything goes along.

Promos... preparation isn't even really going at the pace I want it to go... Yesterday nothing went into my brain, and I ended up sleeping at... um... 10.30 or 11pm... very early. Haiz... and today got pw at 3pm at the freaking airport. I really am irritated at my pw group lorz... why can't we just get the whole thing over and done with at an easy and accessible place? Haiz, whatever la... just go there and get it done with. And then there's the promo bio prac this sat, meaning that that's one less day to study, coz I have to study for bio prac instead. What the hell... couldn't they have like put the prac during a school day instead? I would very much like to value whatever time I have and study the other pressing subjects. At the moment, I've only covered 3 maths tutorials, 1 bio tutorial, kinematics and oscillations for physics, and DNA for Biology. I have hardly touched maths or chemistry, and they have to do pw at 3pm. I'm really sick and tired of the whole pw thing. Just want to hurry up and get it over and done with. But after this 2nd draft of pw, there's still the presentation. Argh. I hate it la.

Sorry for having to vent my frustrations on you dear... but, whenever I'm sad, I know I can always turn to Anhua... she's my bestest fwend outside of council in VJC, and well... i think we've had 5 conversations that last for more than an hour and 30 mins le... and the funny thing is, we don't stop talking at all... just keep chatting and chatting, and then we dun feel like hanging up the phone, coz the conversation went on so fine... haha... Anhua, thank you... u r the best!

Heyz Mandy...

Well, haven't been her for quite some time... but well, I've just been to my jie, Michelle's blog, and well, it's kinda shocking how hurt and desolate she has been, to the extent of wanting to take her own life... jie... you have to be strong... no matter what, you have to be... it was you who helped me up and guided me along in P6, it was you who made me see the lovely nature of having a good friend... it was you who made me understand that being nice is something that I can do, not something that has to be inborn in me... there's so many things that I am indebted to you... don't just leave me now and not give me a chance to return all those favours... k?

As for myself... I was smsing Rachel the other day, and Rachel told me when she was chatting with her, she told her that she had made everything clear in the letter she gave me. She actually talks about me? That's something new... I thought I wasn't even worth being mentioned in her conversations... haiz... and she's not replying my smses at all... but she smses Deepak and other people... what am I to her? One can only wonder. But Hui Zhi and Sara told me to be patient... there shld be a chance... and I guess I will hold on.. coz I guess that I am in quite deep into the hole that I've dug.

We managed to raise #1000 for busking! WHOA... dat's really a lot... however, don't look at me to do it twice... It's really hard to dance for 6 straight hours... tiring, and well, as long as Mrs. Ting doesn't go, then I'll consider it... high chance if Mrs. Ting dun show up, I will do it. ;)

And Promos are edging nearer day by day. I have less than a month to revise my work... congrats Daniel... time to really work hard... you 3 completed tutorials are just a start, and ur 1.5 chapters of Phys needs more work. By the end of the hols, u have to complete at least a third of each subject. Deal? Deal.

Missing her lots.

Heyz Mandy...

Shall update u on what has happened for the past few days. On Saturday, I went basking... or busking, wadever the spelling is. :P Anywayz, it started out to be quite bad... nobody paid any attention to us when we were outside Wisma, and well, it started raining... and then people started getting really agitated and emotional... yeah, and after a moment's hesitation, we shifted over to the underpass at Lido. Surprisingly, the response we received over there was tremendous! People were actually interested in our performances, to the extent that someone even gave the harmonica band his name card, asking them to perform for him, and we received compliments that we danced very well. Oh yay! I just hope we make a considerable sum of money... *crosses fingers*

Sis, Abby, Shi Qi, Michelle jie and Gayne were all there... and we saw Jacqueline Seng and Jacqueline Tang. I miss Jac Tang... but well, there's so big a rift between us now, that somehow or rather, it's like... we're only hi-bye friends. It's really upsetting, and I think she hates me or something. She never returns my smses anymore, and well... that connection we used to have... I wish it was still there. *Sighzy* some things are out of my hands sometimes. But I guess it's also partly my fault... I shouldn't have lost contact with Jac. :(

A big thank you to the people who came down... esp Sis, Shi Qi and Michelle jie... thank you for the encouragement you gave me. Also, to Steffie, Amy jie, Jacob and to all the Councillors who came down... thank you too... for your time taken off to come down, for the smiles and support u gave us through ur presence, to the Openhouse ad-hoc for the organisation.. despite the last minute preparations, you people did a swell job. I'm proud of the way things turned out... and Steffie... I think you rock... :) You were not demoralised, and though u were stressed, u still tried to overcome it... you're a great friend and a great gal... :)

Went for tuition on Sunday, and was so surprised to see Jolene, Hui Ting, Amalina and Tiffany there... it was a good session nonetheless. I managed to understand Oscillations, and I got to know Hui TIng a little better... haha... it's really interesting... maybe I ought to stop doing Physics tutorials... kidding! Kidding... I'll still do them. :p

Then, was really touched on Sunday as well... thanks to Anhua and Hui Yi... Anhua is the best! Seriously... she's such a good friend... she smsed me to ask me if I was ok, after she saw how dejected I was on Thursday... and she could understand the predicaments I had gone through, and when I told her she was the first person I'd turn to outside of Council, she smsed me back saying that she'd try to meet up to my expectations and give me sound advice. She's really sweet. Thank you Anhua... for being you and never giving up on me. And Hui Yi... was so concerned, asking me about whether my headache was gone. I have good friends.

Today was also the cleanup of the ECO Corner in the Welfare room. Twinnie, Nette, Sharone, David, Samuel, Benny and Sanj came down and we rearranged our stuff, and we also opened up all the match support banners and took pictures of them... there goes my chance to take a photo with her. I miss her... I don't know how things are going to be tomorrow... will she avoid me again? I really wish I knew? I hope things go right... I hope... I just hope that we will be like how we were on Friday... just chatting like nothing would go wrong... chatting as though nothing happened.

To be honest, she's the one who gives me the strength and the courage to do what I am doing now... my mood revolves around her... it's not very good, and I know that I have tot ry and extricate myself from it, but... but... I just can't make myself do it. I don't even know her well enough... haiz... some kor I turned out to be...