Heyz Mandy...

Guess what? It's been resolved. She and I are at where I hoped we'd be. We're good friends... and things keep getting better. Today was the first time in a long time that we talked like as though nothing had happened in our lives... and it honestly felt really good. I'm not depressed anymore... I have her back... my mei and my good friend. She's my study partner... :) Me on cloud nine.

Today's teachers' day dance was a success... the crowd was sooo whoa... took me by surprise la... haha... and the dance was fantastic, to say the least. Before the performance, I was hyper tensed... eventually losing my tact at the Council... haiz... need to keep my temper in check again... so sorry Council... I love you guys...

tHEN, went back to VS. I SAW MISS KONG!! Haha... and my cat is still on her table... so cute. Hehehe... miss VS so so so much... and today played basketball, made four three pointers... and it was three consecutive three pointers... so happy. I haven't lost my touch.

Next thursday is the 20th Council versus the J1 ODAC match... I'm the keeper. Die-ded... haha... I hope I do well... I need to get my own set of keeper gloves le... being the default keeper. Haha... hope I dun mess up.

Tomorrow is busking... I'm going to be dancing... in front of so many people... at ORCHARD ROAD... *Faint*... someone please give me a hand yeahz? Hope that everyone I SMSed will be there...

Hopefully she'll be there. :)

Heyz Mandy...
I miss her... a lot... haiz.

Heyz Mandy...
Sitting in Physics prac lesson now, but as the labs are closed, I'm seated in a computer lab. Really depressed... I didn't say hi to her today, even though I saw her walking up the stairs. Then, I slipped into a zombified person... ok, I'm still zombified. Not talking until necessary, that sort of thing. I'm totally devoid of feeling, totally ostracised from the world, and everyone around me. People keep asking me what's wrong, I just keep shaking my head, waving a simple hi, or simply saying "Nothing, I'm fine." Keeping things simple, short and sweet. Not really in the mood to bother about anyone else. Can't even feel what my heart is feeling. It's a first that I've ever felt this way... and it's because of her... I've never felt so depressed, so dejected, and so lost and devastated about someone... I dunno anymore... I think I shouldn't even have her partner me for the dance. I'm going to swap places with Siva... yeah. I think that will be the best.

It just started raining. I feel like walking in the rain... Just let the raindrops wash away all the pain, the fear, the hurt... the weather so clearly matches my mood... I'm not exactly in the mood to do anything... Trying very hard not to cry in school... almost lost control of myself just now... almost cried...

Shih, I'm so sorry... I don't have the guts to talk to her... I don't want to make things any worse than it is now... I wish I was stronger, and I wish I didn't have to bother so much about how people feel... but... ultimately, I have a heart.... I hate myself... I really do... I feel so inferior compared to her... she's so talented, so lovely, she's everything that I could ever ask for in a friend, a mei, a stead... how can I compare with her? Compared to her, I'm like... nothing... I'm insignificant... I'm worthless...

I'm nobody.

Heyz Mandy...
Three words la... very very down. So many things happened today... and in the past few days as well... but to be it in overall terminology, I'm depressed, sad, hurt and wishing I don't have a heart. If I didn't have a heart, I wouldn't need to love someone, wouldn't need to care, wouldn't be hurt, wouldn't have to mend a broken heart... yeahz. Maybe living without a heart would be ideal... then we would only need to bother about ourselves.

I really like her... there. I've said it. Every little action of hers is noted by me. And how she can joke and laugh about with other people, but around me, she's so wary and distant. I finally know why. She dun want me to get close to her, dun wan me to be too affectionate, coz it makes her uncomfortable. I wish I could tell her how much it's hurting me, but I know I can't, because I brought all these upon myself. Why... why did things have to turn out this way? Why must I shed tears for this sort of thing. Why am I me? Mandy, tell me please? I hate myself more and more nowadays...

Then, the dance for teacher's day. I'm so scared and so stressed up about it. What if I can't do well, what if the choreography of the dance is a flop? What if it's hated by the crowd? What if the whole world hates it? What if the Council actually dislikes it? What if... so many what ifs! I'm so stressed out! Argh... maybe I shouldn't dance after all. It'd be the best option.

Chem practical today was a bit of a disaster... haiz... messed it up so so much... I'm such a failure.

Somebody just shoot me.

Heyz Mandy...

Now at home, close to the next day, and I just finished highlighting the important points of my internet source of the rise of McDonald's for PW... so decided to come and talk to you for a while.

Today is her birthday. It's also the first time I've ever spent $70 on a person, for that matter... and it's really kinda creepy, cause I've never been like this b4, being rebellious. Mom doesn't even know I took out $60 from my money box... if she did, then my head would be next on the chopping board. Haiz... well, anyway, gave her her present after morning meeting, which i was not at. I was the last Councillor to give her her present, and well... she hugged me. Ok, I hugged her too. Nvm, who hugged who isn't the matter... what's important is that she likes the presents, and she appreciates it. Now, I just hope that whatever I have written in the poem, or anything for that matter will result in anything. I hope she won't avoid me... I don't think I can take it if she avoids me. I'll positively collapse.

Finally finished choreographing the dance for Teacher's Day. I'm kinda proud of myself and Deepak for we choreographed from... um... 5.00pm all the way to 8.30p.m... so, yeah... I hope that all goes well... I don't wish for anything to happen. I'm like so scared that I'll goof up... I hate myself when I start thinking too much... But then again, I was never good at anything right? Haha... Anhua wld say "Stop thinking too much!" Good 'ol Anhua... :)

Would like to say that Rachel, dear fwend... you are the best. Thanks for everything so far. Hope that you life is more or less evened out now, and not as buys as it was previously. Though we dun have so much time to talk nowadays, would want you to know that you're always in my heart somewhere. I'll never stop caring for you de... so, must take care of urself. I miss the long chats we used to have, but I understand you have to handle your life first. :)

I miss her terribly... can't someone please help me from all these? Haiz...

Dear Mandy...

Hi again... I'm sitting in a computer classroom for GP lesson, waiting for the intended presentations to make their appearance on the screen. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, since I've already presented to the class, and a cute presentation at that, I'm guessing that this time, it's my turn to slack. :)

Got quite a few problems on my mind at the moment... the most pressing one is what to get her for her birthday... it's like... tomorrow? Argh... today need to0 go shopping le... have to find a teddy bear (but Deepak already got her one!), a matching bracelet (hopefully I can find one that complements a four leaved clover...), and well... a lot more stuff to get...
Ok, gotta listen to presentation. Get back to you later k Mandy? Cheerios!

oK... I hope this works... the tagboard is up... hope it works.

Heyz Mandy...

In a hyper, really, extremely depressed mood now... and I really don't know why. I can't get myself into a study mood, and promos is coming, edging nearer day after day. And then, there's Council... and her... I'll try my best to tell what I'm depressed about for each of the three categories k... there're still other minor details that are making me depressed, but well, I'll add on as we go along.

My academic standard in VJC isn't good... in fact, it can be closely related to unstable. I know that I've said I want to start studying, but to be honest... I haven't done anything at all. I can't even get myself into the mood to study for my upcoming Mother tongue exams, let alone do my tutorials. I can't keep up this way, but I can't help it. It's as though my body knows that it needs a break, and no matter how my head may be saying there isn't enuff time, my body refuses to listen. Nothing goes in as well... it feels so horrible! I just wish that for once, I could be able to be like in Sec 4, when I was studying for Prelims, but somehow or rather, the situation now and then is different. I know that it's not a good reason, using that as an excuse... I should just work harder.

Council... I suck. I'm not a good Councillor... I'm so demoralised in Council...? I just feel so mad at myself... I can't do the fixtures for carromfest properly, can't handle my emotions, can't keep myself in check, can't be a good role model, can't even remember to bring back the carromfest results, so now I can't type it out, can't have the initiative to check out carromfest things, can't see things through, can't be rationale, can't see the big picture, can't be level headed, can't be not baised, can't be there for people... what kind of a Councillor am I? I'm just someone who shouldn't have beem in Council from day 1... I should have been taken out of Council, should have just resigned. Life takes such a different toll her in VJC... Max was right... it's nothing like in VS. But... I've never doubted myself so much before! This really sucks.

Talking to Steph abt her now. And I dunno. Feeling even worse after hearing what Steph has said. But I guess I'm going to just wait and see how things go first. After the whole incident has blown over... maybe I'll be able to decide. Though I can roughly see how it's going to go, but... well... there may be a glimmer of a chance. I'll see how it goes.

Thanks to Anhua for being there for me... I really am glad to have found such a friend in her... she's easily one of my best friends in VJC... outside of Council, she's my number 1 friend. And if you want to talk about overall, she surpasses majority of the Councillors to me... she's never judged me for what i am... and she's always there for me... She's really a great friend.

Thanks also goes to Hui Yi, Steph, Rachel and Joanna. Thanks for your advice, thanks for your support. But don't place too much hope on me anymore. I'm not capable of living up to what you people believe in me. I'm very sorry. I'm not as strong as you people believe me to be, and I'm not everything that I wish I can be for you people. Forgive me for doing what I have to do... maybe distance is the best option for now. Yeah... so please don't blame yourself or anybody for it k... I'm just really tired and upset... blame it on me.

Heyz Mandy...

Feeling kinda down about the whole day today... haiz... let me fill you in k?

The day started off pretty fine... reached school at 7.40am, then went to VS with Meng Siong for a while. We both got a shock when we realised that there was no supporting contingent for the National Day Parade. Follow that, when we went to the Air Room, the Sec 3s resulted to turning to the teachers just because people in their batch of Sec 3s don't pay up Air Fund. NCC Air has started to rely on the teachers... that was never in our traditions. VS NCC Air has always been the unit that can survive even without having a teacher around... this batch cannot be an exception... they have to stand on their own, and they have to carve out their own niche for themselves on their own. It is seriously upsetting to see them treating the Air Room as their own hideout... playing cards in there. Goodness... and they don't have any more Air Tables! I was quite disappointed... told Farand to tell his Sec 3s to wake up. Seriously don't know what is happening to VS... I guess I have to make more time to go back more often. Haiz...

Then rushed back to school for the National Day parade. There was a mayhem in the Council room, with countless people changing into ethnic costumes, that I was running about from Welfare to Council room for a place to change. Finally managed to get the changing room, so me ran in and quickly did something I have not done for the past 7 months: speed changing. Haha... actually had the feeling like I was back in VS NCC Air camp again... brings back so many memories.

Then, rushed for the parade and coz I sprinted for the bus back to VJC from VS, aggravated that stupid muscle pull of mine at my thigh. So, in the midst, i sort of made it worse... but no time to stretch and ease the pain, so yup, went straight into marching. Then, entered this really concentrated phase. Focused on the flag post, command was given, and the contingent started marching in. Heard people saying "so sad!" and "very nice leh!" as we were marching in... but all in all, I just felt the pride and the honour I felt whenever I marched as a cadet in VS NCC Air... Haha... all in all, it was a good parade... our bangs were surprisingly coordinated, and everything was quite synchronised... think this was the best result we have ever produced amongst all the rehearsals. Made me feel kinda happy when the parade was over... coz it turned out to be quite a good parade...

Then, went to change. Got suaned by Mr. Tan, asking why I got so many badges on my uniform... I didn't know what to say. I just had to smile and shrug sheepishly... it was 4 years of hard work...all those badges... *sighs*... the concert segment was pretty cool. Especially the dikir barat by the MCS, the Indian dance by ICS, and Kylash's guitar performance was really cool. I've never seen anybody wield the guitar that professionally before! The community singing part exuded a strong sense of unity from the college, and then the mass dance was the best... enjoyed myself throughly.

Then was carromfest. There were so many commotions thanks to phototaking... so irritating... first Ms. Wee came to us and said the photoshoot was pushed forward to 10.30 bcause the concert ended early. So there was mayhem... Councillors started rushing to go change, and in the end, Siva said that the new confirmation was that there was no change in the time. So we resumed the activities. THen, Mrs. TIng and Miss. Tan and Mr. Teo came, and they told me to get the Councillors ready so that when we call them, they are ready to take the photo. Ok, so the message was passed down. And I started calling her... I didn't want a phot without her in it, and I also didn't want a phot without my Teddy in it, and I didn't want a photo without Xiao Yi in it, didn't want a photo without Steffie in it... to sum it up, I don't want a photo that has so many of my closest friends in Council not there! It's so unfair... the original photoshoot was supposed to be on tuesday, but we pushed it back simply because the Council teachers couldn't make it. But when 5 OF US can't make it, they can't even push it back... instead they scolded Siva for bringing it up, and made us stage a show so fake just so we can impress Mrs. Chan... I dunno... it seems like we're putting on a show just so the teachers can look good...? It all seems so fake and unreal... is this what being in Council is ultimately about? I was so pissed that I used all my force and punched the wooden scaffolding of the chin-up bars. It was the first time the Council ever saw me so pissed off I guess... cause after that, nobody dared to talk to me except Siva, Edrei and Sanjay... I just got so mad! I didn't smile at all during the photoshoot, and I gave curt and short answers to the teachers. Oh, and we have a new Council teacher that NONE OF US know about. Interesting how our teachers handle their own things huh? I just felt like walking off and not take the photo at all.

After that, carromfest resumed... so it gave me time to calm down and recollect my thoughts. I was considerably calmed down... then Meng came to tell me that the Council wasn't supportive of the OVA YC... it just felt so... I dunno... painful. I lost my cool again. Guess it was a mix of tiredness and anger... i flung everything away and just stood outside the Council room for ten minutes, calming myself down... Dom, Jo and Liss were there for me... thank you. I cldn't help but explain to Dom about everything... she made some good points too, but well... I guess Meng has his own valid points.

Dom, Jo and I went for lunch after that, and Zhe Bin joined us. We were quite against it actually, and tried to evade him, but to no avail... oh well... things don't always go out way anyway rite? Then me went home... din buy anything in the end.

Then came online. Chatted to her, but in the end, she ignored me completely... don't know what is going on anymore... I'm really tired too... was sleeping on the bus just now, and dreamt of her? That's really nuts! I'm really sinking in too deep. Haiz...

Then, thanks Rachel... for chatting to me despite you being busy. I really appreciate you being there for me all the time... I hope I can be there for you too... :)

Heyz Mandy...

Tomorrow is National day... but she won;t be there to see me march, coz she has speech day. Suddenly feel that I have really sunken in too too deep... I know that I ought to try to pull myself out of it, but part of me really doesn't want to. It's like... oh I don't know. I should just let life be the way it is, not telling her I like her... I guess I don't want to end up having to lose the friendship as well.

But... maybe someday I guess? Someday it will come true... that I wil be able to live a life alone.

Thanks Rachel. You couldn't have made today a better way to end it. Thanks for the conversation we had... u rest well and take care k? Get well soon dear... I'll be here for you.

Heyz Mandy...
Ok, I hereby vow never to cry in front of pple, and I was trying my utmost best to hold back tears in the Council room today... luckily no one took notice... trying very hard not to let reality take control of me... but somehow or rather, it always does. I want to be really happy... I want to make her happy... but I somehow don't seem to be the person who is able to do that. Not anymore... I'm like somebody that she has to take notice of... coz of my over-concerned personality... How do I let her know I like her?

No wait... not supposed to let her know I like her rite? It'll end up being too selfish on my part. Argh... can't stand it. This whole thing sucks... I just wish I could tell her, but I know I can't... I can only be there for her... and nothing else. Oh, and I should stop caring for her, cause she's more or less ok, having regained faith in her ex... there didn't seem to be any place for me to fit in in the first place... oh darn... I don't know why I fell for her in the first place even! Haiz... love... it's so confusing.