Heyz Mandy...

Okay, so yesterday was undoubtedly horrible... no questions asked. First time GM was that tense and well, it was a horrible experience, and more and more now, i'm beginning to feel like 20th isn't really as united as we thought it to be, and well, Deepak said something that got me thinking ta lot... should I be more accommodating and let him be? I don't know...

Suffering an identity crisis now... don't really feel right being around everyone... I feel like... haha... another of my favourite phrases... I feel like a pea rattling around in a pan of other peas... not sure of where I belong or how I fit in... sounds cliche huh? Well, unfortunately, that's the way I'm feeling now... and it isn't a good feeling, to be honest. Haiz.. hope I get out of it soon... :s

She's great... she really is... I think that she's fantastic... haha... and well... ok, I havent' really been talking to her lately... Ok, I'm nuts.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm feeling awfully tired. I really am... I just feel like throwing everything to one side and not bother anymore. I think this is what Anhua meant by "burnt out"... you just dun wanna do anything, and I somehow get the feeling that you end up being depressed and easily irritated. Meet me. bleahz... was so irritated with what happened today, and poured out everything to Bryan. I need a break... I can do with a one week break... but hey! I dun think I'll get it... life in JC.... *makes face* not what i expected.

Okayz, me wanna thank my best fwend in VJC... Chen AnHua... thank you... You've been consoling me and being there for me during this period of time... I really am glad to have u around... and hope I can be there for u when u need me too.

Heyz Mandy...
Did terribly badly for promos... I can't believe it... 3 Os... 39 and 39 for phys and chem respectively... like there's any difference... and 44.2% for Bio... gee... now how good is that... Everyone's being terribly nice to me... and I can only let them down with such lousy grades that I'm ashamed to call mine. G.P. is 45%... what has happened to me...? I put in effort... I know I did... but the results just seem to turn out the other way... I feel horrible, and I've completely lost all my confidence in myself... whatever happened to the performance that I've had in VS? It's like... in VJ... I'm not even half as good as I was in VS...

I dunno... a lot of people say that it's because that I've been spending too much time in Council that I end up not concentrating on my exams and don't have a strong foundation... maybe they're right... I have been spending an awfully lot of time in Council... I guess I can only rely on the re-examinations to pull myself back up, but the question is, can I even get promoted? I've gotten back 4 papers, and I haven't even seen any fifties and above... it's all forties and below... Mrs. Choo recommends that I drop a subject, but I really don't want to. I really need to spend my time lifting my results back up... I just have to try. This whole year... Council has taken up so much of my time... it's so unfair!

It's so unfair... I can't say that it's anybody's fault.. I can only say that I brought it upon myself... Why, why, why did I spend so much time in Council and neglected my studies? I love 20th... I really do... but recently, it seems like putting so much time and effort into it isn't any good at all... I just end up losing a friend, getting scolded for no reasons, getting more depressed than happy... Okay, wrong time to be lamenting... I should be scolding myself for not prioritizing well enough.

My class has been great... they offered to help me ask the teachers for an extra mark for biology so that I can ensure my promotion... and Anhua has been so nice to me... and of course, there is 19th... Wendy, Jeng Ying, Han Joo and Lauretta... I'm glad to have such good friends to stand by me... but I'm really upset that I had to let them down this way... I'm sorry people.

Wanting to cry... but I won't cry... at least not in front of anyone...

Heyz Mandy...

Dead tired... i dunno why either... lately I've been so weary and I can hardly keep myself focused... it's like as though I've completely lost my ability to be as hyper and enthusiastic as I used to be? I know that this is the wrong time to suffer from depression... but how can I help myself? I so want to just bury my head in the ground and never come back up... yeahz. Been having some thoughts about everything that has happened so far, and I'm afraid that well.... maybe it'd be better for 20th to be without me sometimes. *shrug* just a thought that has been going arnd in my mind for sometime.

Looking back to the times in VS, when VSPB was part of me... those were the days... Bryan, Joel Liu, Law, Joel Lee, Daryl, Pramod, Prakash, Fu Yee, Dinesh, Shazrin, Zulhairi... everyone was so cohesive and united... everybody was closely knitted and well... no matter what, everyone was there for each other, everyone worked for a common goal. There was real, true, raw spirit amongst us... and I guess I could say that majority of us worked not for ourselves, but for the good of the board, and for the pride of Victoria... I dunno... perhaps I'm being too demanding? But I don't feel the same spirit in VJC... I don't deny that I am happy with a lot of the friendships that I have made in VJC, and well, yeah, so far. But... I just want to feel the same spirit again... I want to so much... My heart yearns for the flame that can only burn even brighter when the people that are the heart of the school have the same aim... to work for Victoria. But, well... I guess it's hard to see the peak of the flame anymore... I love 20th, and I think they are a very worthy and deserving group of leaders and people... but... I know that it's demanding of me... I wish that the whole council would work for Victoria, and not for other reasons... I guess by now you will have guessed that one of the main reasons that I'm working so hard is for Victoria...

I don't dare to call her. Dun ask me why, but ever since some people have told me some stuff, i have not dared even to say hi to her. What can I say? I'm just not good enough for anybody. Isn't that a proven fact?

Thanks Vee... i really am glad that at this time of depression, I have someone like you to be around. Thank you so much.

Heyz Mandy...

I've been told that I ought to try not liking someone. Gee... why not. Goodbye everyone. I guess... it's more or less time to revert to Sec 1... the me in Sec 1. I don't know if I can bring myself to be the same insensitive, uncaring person I was in Sec 1 anymore, but I'll try.

I miss VS so much. I want to go back there. I really really do. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much for everything and everyone. Why should I make things so difficult for myself right? I should just mind my own business and heck everyone and everything unrelated to me.

But I dunno. I guess I can't bring myself to do that anymore.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm tired. I really am. Of life, of everything. Maybe I ought to spend time alone. Maybe I ought to try shirking my responsibilities for once.

"I wish i could be like a bird
To fly away and not be heard
Escape the troubles of the world
To fly around and be healed
From the hurt and the pain
That have grown and my life taint
When stress accumulates
And the road a long take
U just want someone to
Hold you and talk to
Just like the olden times
When the bell would just chime
Where are those now done?
All but gone?
I wish I knew for sure
Then maybe I'd be more pure."

Let's see if anyone can see the hidden meaning behind this poem.

Heyz Mandy...

I'm here after a long time... Promotional examinations was anything but good. It's been a rocky uphill journey that I've found to be reallie crazed. Oh well... I was really upset after the maths paper today... it was like, I knew I could do it, but my mind wasn't responding. It's so unfair. I had to fall sick and get sis's flu bug the night before math exam!? Then whatever I had learnt all dissipated into thin air... haiz... oh well... I shan't think about it.

Thank you to Peishan, Hui Zhi, Sara, Siva, Edrei, Sanjiv, Sanjay, Kaval, Kristy P, Sanjee, Melissa and Joanna... thanks for the concern that u all have showed me. I hope I don't let u all down...

Okayz, I am over her le. As in the her I've been talking abt for the whole time and never revealing her name. She's my mei, that's all I'm saying. Me now liking someone else... so now it's her turn to not have her name revealed. OK, i know that I seem to change who i like very fast... but I'm sincere in the people i like. I promise.

Okayz, think that's all for now... will update more next time Mandy! See ya!

Heyz Mandy...

Logging in for a while... before I log off and go study... I desperately need to finish meiosis and finish the notes for "Transport in Mammals" at least... haiz... what a life... but surprisingly, I enjoy this time cause there's a group of 20th pple studying together, and we have our fun in the midst of all these mind-boggling exam preparation and stress. Sanjay, Priya, Joanna, Sharon, Zhe Bin, Samuel, Li Juan, Siva, Sweetie darling... yupyup... it's a good mixture of buddy 20th fun and the cramming for the up and coming exams.

However, I keep thinking of her... and those Energy romantic stories about their previous loves... haiz... so touching la! Haiz... then I'm thinking about my present love... haha... ok, I shall not think that way... she's lovely the way she is... and I'm happy being friends... but well, if only we were talking as much as we used to? I don't know... I wrote her a letter le... to say that all I really wanted was to be her friend, and nothing else... but... but.. I get the feeling she never read it, and she probably threw it away? I don't know what to say or what to do le la... haiz... I miss her.

Welcome to my mei mei, Amie! :)

OKayz, me better go off to study biology. Take care Mandy!