Okay... I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me... I seem to be pissing off the people I'm close to. I don't know... haiz... changing myself isn't the way I want things to be in the first place. I don't know... haiz... don't know anything anymore... maybe I should just start working my butt off and forget everything and everyone. Its time I stood by myself, and stopped relying on people... I love my friends... I really do... but... haiz. Let's just say that it may be better for me to just go alone and not tell anyone... it hurts too much when so many things happen one after another.

Joanna and Theodora gave me a lot of encouragement today... really grateful to them. I really want to try out for the basketball squad... but I don't know if my mom will approve... and I don't know if I will make the team... but I guess there's no harm in trying out... then there's also Council and studies... argh... so much stress. Mandy, what would you do if you were me? Would you still go for it?

And Mandy... do you think I'm a good person? I'm starting to doubt myself again... haiz... I need some time... but I don't get any in VJC... or I hardly get any. I want to go to the beach... I want to talk to Jessie and Abby... I want to be there for Peishan and QiQi... I want to be the person I was in VS... I want to be the me I once was. But can I achieve all those again? I guess only time will tell. Ganbatte ne... life was meant to be sucky anyway.

Heyz Mandy...finally found time to log on and talk to you again. Well, things between me and Rachel are better, but i doubt we;'ll ever go back to the same closeness we once had. She's happy the way things are now, and well, if she's happy, I'll be... soon. Guess I won't be telling her as much as I used to le... very scared of how things are going to be... well.. nvm.

Realised that in VJC, everything I used to believe in seems to be wrong. I thought that as long as I was true to myself, people would see it... I completely forgot it took me more than 2 years for VS to accept me. What makes me think VJC is that quick in accepting me? I can seriously feel as though... I've changed myself...? I'm disappointed in myself already. Really... how could I let people change how i want myself to be? But in the end... it did happen. Haiz... forget it. No point saying anything already. Because even I myself, don't know what I'm talking about either.

Good night Mandy... it seems to me that life for me at the moment is only going downwards.

Heyz Mandy... I just came back from the Council BBQ, and I just hecked the heater, and just bathed at 10.30pm in icy cold water... it was so soothing... washes away all the pain that you feel. For a moment there, I actually believed that I was in a world without worries... the icy coldness took away all the pain that I feel... both inside and outside... that stupid thigh injury came back again. And its good! Now I can just inflict more pain on myself to forget the pain that was been welling up inside of me for a long time. Its not just problems with my friends anymore... its a lot of stuff. I'm so sick of having to be someone I'm not... I so want to be someone that I can be proud to say that I didn't have to change myself because of external pressure... but I can never say that anymore. Not anymore. I've become someone I'm not. I've become a shadow of who I am...

Mandy, I'm tired of everything that has been happening. I'm just so tired. I want to give up, I really do, but I know I can't. Darn, can't believe I'm crying now because of this. stop crying Daniel. There's no point... this is the path u chose, so stick to it. If you can't carry on through for any reason... remember u have to because of Victoria. It is the main reason for your existence. For Victoria School.

Well, at the end of the day, there's only one thing I can say I'm proud of. I kept up to my resolution... I have always believed, Mandy, that as long as my friends are happy, its alright if i end up getting hurt or upset... and well, I have managed to keep up to that today. I don't really feel like telling u what happened, Mandy, cause i'm seriously tired out... emotionally and physically. But anyway, I'm sure that you understand what I'm going through, even if I don't say anything... well Mandy, Im glad that I have you around. *Smuacks*

Wrote two poems today as well. but me shan't write it in today k... me shall write it in some other day. the beach served as a really good place... and I would have told people a lot of things...esp to people who are close to me... but I know that I'd tell Anhua and Joanna the most... but of the people who went to the bbq today... I know that if Rachel and I were still as close as we used to be... I'd tell her the most.

And you know what Mandy? I still would.

Council bbq tmr... whoopee.

Heyz... well, so much have happened in the short span of time, and well, I don't feel comfortable in telling you... oh by the way... I'm hereby naming this blog Mandy... it feels much better talking to a person then to actually be talking to an online webpage.

Mandy, I've suddenly realised that somehow, good friends don't always turn out to be the way you expect them to be? I don't know... its like, all of a sudden, I've lost the courage and faith in one of my friends, and Mandy, to be honest, it isn't a very good feeling... how once you were really close to a person... and the next, you just know that you can never be as close to that person anymore... Have you ever felt that way before Mandy?

And surprisingly, in this duration of time, I also realised that a good friend is one who will listen to you even though she doesn't know you very well, and you are able to chat with her for a long time... and not want to hang up the phone, even though you both have to study... yeah. Her name is Anhua, Mandy, and I'm really glad that I managed to meet and get to know her better throughout this duration of time. She's been such a great companion and listening ear to everything that has happened, and I find her a very wonderful girl... and sweet. Haha... yeah Mandy, if only you could meet her... I think you'd love her!

The mid year examinations are up in a week and a half. I don't think I'm really prepared at all... i just hope i can do fairly well... and to top it off, there's a whole lot of work that'll come in term 3, and I seriously don't think I'm prepared for such a workload... maybe I ought to mentally up myself... its going to be a rocky uphill journey, and to be honest? One that I'm not prepared for.

Well... me just watched "A league of their own" and I cried... especially when Betty received a telegram informing her that her husband had passed away in the war! And the thing is, the stupid postman didn't have the name written on the list? In the end, their coach grabbed the telegram from him, sent him out the door, and very very sadly walked down the row (coz betty's sitting at the end) and gave it to Betty with a heavy heart... and poor Dotti! She thought it was her husband... and Betty is the nicest member of the team... always caring for her teammates... so sad... the whole movie was very very touching... can't believe it... hehe...

Kinda happy about the way things are nowadays... hanging out with the Council, studying in the room with them, and just having fun playing sports after each session... i love the 20th... and I'm glad to say that I'm getting closer with the guys, and with my two bestest bestest fwends of Council... Jo and Rachel... u both are the best! U both always stick by me, no matter how dejected and how close i was to giving up on myself... they always stuck by me, and I'm so thankful to them for that. Thank you both for your present and your note today... I really love it... and i really am lucky to have such good friends in you both... Thank you.

Me intend to try out for basketball after mid years... but i somehow get the feeling that I won't make it at all... I think that I'm not up to standard... but its still kinda early... shall take this hols to train up, and see where i end up after that... haha... kinda optimistic rite? Regretted not furthering bball in sec sch... even though it eventually got closed down. Haiz... :s

kkez, so mid year is coming, and seriously, i think I've been kinda slacking... must buck up... today will be the last day of too much play than work! I shall be more disciplined... and i need to teach my mei basketball!! haha... hope i do a good job!

Desolation, despair, disdain, lack of faith in myself, giving up on myself... all these things are all what I feel nowadays. I can't show it, but neither can i forget or push it away... I can only... I can only fall deeper... I'm having second thoughts about Council, I'm thinking of writing a resignation letter... I'm thinking of giving up. I have never in my life ever felt this way before... and to make things worse, I can't show it to anybody at all...

I talked to Joanna about this just now... and she kept on insisting that I don't give up... its not worth it, giving up, after all that I've done for Council... she said I'm the emotional support for the Council... and during Soccer finals, she had the courage to start cheers because she was standing next to me. I'm sincerely very touched by what she said, and I am slowly picking myself out of that deep deep hole that I've fallen into, but I know that... it'll be quite some time before I can pick myself up from the desperation I've entered.

During the soccer finals, I cried... very very badly. And Bryan pulled me to sit beside him, and he scolded me. He made me face him, and he told me not to cry, not to do that to him. He knew very well that I was putting the blame on myself, I placed the soccer team's loss as a mistake on our part, knew that I was scared that we would get scolded, and also, he knew that I was feeling very upset for the soccer guys for they had trained so hard and yet they lost. But he also made me see a point... this is not VS where we would get the blame for things if they didn't go well. This is VJC... it is a place whereby only we are the true judges of how good we are... whereby only people who see us for who we are, see us for what we';ve done, can truly tell whether or not we have done what we can, whether we have done our job. And that made me stand up, stop crying, and walk on.

Benjamin talked to me. He said that he knew that yesterday was a depressing day, and a lot of the Councillors would be feeling like how the keeper, Malcolm would be feeling. But he said that even though they were all sprawled on the ground, crying because of the pain they felt upon losing the match, they still stood up in the end and came towards us. And that's what's important. And he also said that I am the captain of the 20th. I have to be the one who leads them all to stand back up on their two feet, and press on. Our journey is still in the early depths of time, and I have to be the first one to pick myself up and subsequently, the rest of the Council. He had faith in me that I could do it... but the problem is... do I? I seriously don't know...

Right now, the only 2 reasons that I'm staying, holding on for 20th Council is 20th itself, and the Victorian Spirit that burns within me. But, i don't know why, lately, its only the Victorian Spirit that drives me to excel... 20th... yes, they are there for me, and I do need them to be around... but well... maybe I've been seeing things differently... that somehow or rather... I'm no longer who I used to be anymore. Its like, I've built this wall around me... living as someone that I seem to be all the time, but deep down I'm not... that kind of feeling. As in, being a pretender. I'm so confused as to what my heart is telling me... I can't believe I have to go to the extent that I can't even be sure of what I'm feeling anymore... I feel so lost, so confused... I really wish I had a firmer hold on my emotions, and that I could read them now... but now, I seem to be so vulnerable... Why are things turning out to be this way?

Joanna is a really good friend, to have let me tell her all these just now... and I may be making my way up... but somewhere along the way... I'm pretty sure. I'll go sliding back down.
-Daniel-